What would you do?

It's a sad impasse which has dragged on for 5 years. You mentioned that your DH was equally at fault. Does he accept his fault in the whole situation. For peace of mind I think she should be sent an equal share. It's strange to me that he's reluctant to do so. And basically it's totally unfair. Especially since he's also equally responsible for her distancing herself.

I thought tax wise only £3000 was the most you could
give anyone in one year.
I beg pardon if that is considered a large amount,

This happened in my family. My mothers granddaughter stopped having anything to do with her or any of us. No one quite knew why. When it came to writing her will my mother asked for my opinion on whether she should be included in legacies with her other grandchildren. I thought she should and she was. And as I was the executor I saw it through and no she has never acknowledged but I’m pleased we did. Because we don’t understand everything and one thing my mum was really good at was not fueling family feuds. So I think your DH should include her. Let her work out her problems but don’t add fuel to the flames.

Definitely not.

Set up trusts for the grand children with her share and let her know what you have done

Could you perhaps contact all the children, telling them you have some important good news which will benefit all of them.
Add that you think it best if you could all meet (in person or by zoom) so that you can explain properly.
Curiosity might just get the better of her.

Give the money to other and save her portion until DH feels happy about giving it to her or open account for GC as part of university fund.

I would ultimately share equally among children, but in this case, maybe allow it to filter through to her that you have had a windfall, but delay sharing it with any of the children for a while to see if she makes any effort to communicate with you. It might only be for the money initially, but if it starts the process of at least talking/coming together again, perhaps those bridges could be slowly mended.
Just a thought, but hope she is ok otherwise and not in some sort of controlling relationship where she has not been "allowed" to keep in touch.

No, I wouldn't send it but would keep it in case you made up later. Is she still in touch with other members of the family? If not, she would not know that the others have had money.
You could always leave it to her in your wills if you want to be fair.

I would send a message saying that you have a substantial gift for her that will need to be paid directly into a bank account; please can you have the details? That should get a response!

I think I would drop her a card explaining the situation re the money and saying that that of course there is an equal share set aside for her should she feel that she would like to be part of the family again. You continue to hope to hear from her as you have done ever since she first cut ties.

I think she should be informed that there is a sum of money waiting for her and could she just write or phone and say where she would like it paid into or would she prefer it to be put into her children's accounts?

personally and from my own experience I would send it and a friendly letter explaining equal shares and how are you but zero mention of meeting up, bygones or anything....but your OH received the money and its his daughter so I think I would say to him that its up to him and whatever his choice you will support him in it.

I would divided whatever sum equally and ask each child in turn to visit you "to discuss a financial gift" and those that turn up, get given a cheque - and hopefully, stay for a bit longer. She should receive the letter too, but only be given the cheque if she turns up - that should also give your OH the opportunity to talk things over with her (and may get over any barriers she feels over making a move to patch things up - sometimes people can go for years because they don't know how to start to repair things). If she doesn't turn up, put the money in a separate account for when she finally does. That way, you're treating them all the same - up to her whether or not she responds.

If it was me I wouldn’t give it to her, she’s an adult she could have at least sent a text or card to thank you for birthday gifts. Why should she be treated the same when she’s not treating you the same. By giving it to her without any discussions will just think she can carry acting like she is. She’s a grown adult not a child of entitlement.

Decide if it's unconditional love or revenge that tops your agends, I guess

I’d give her a much smaller proportion than the others.

Toughie.... but on balance I think she should receive the same amount as her siblings ... perhaps it would be a good opportunity to try heal the breach “Here’s the same amount as everyone else, we would love to see you, let’s clear the air, but if you don’t want to do that then just know we’re sad, we love you and we are here when you are ready”

I would hesitate too. But perhaps, if your DH lets her know that there is a sum of money waiting for her should she decide to get overherself, she may well run back! As they cyically say "Where there's a Will, there's a relative!"

You are all so nice! No I wouldn't give it to her.

Spot on BlueBelle all your husband's children should be treated in the same way bytheway. Maybe it will help heal the rift.

It is a hard one. It's your husbands call to make. His daughter has caused him hurt and upset.
Also she accepts the money sent as presents but does not acknowledge them, which is wrong
Your husband has reached out to his daughter before and she has not responded for 5 years, she is a adult and has made that decision, I would respect that, but she must also accept the consequences. She cannot complain if he does not gift her as well as his other adult children.

I agree with Grandmabatty and Monica.
The one way to ensure that the estrangement was permanent would be to treat this D differently from her siblings.

I also agree with Aveline, that D may be wanting to repair the situation but doesn’t know how.

So I think that great care needs to be taken that while the money mustn’t be seen to be a bribe or enticement, it does somehow offer D a way back in to the family without ‘losing face’.

If it’s a large sum of money I would even consider asking my solicitor (we have a very nice one) to send a letter with the cheque, explaining the circumstances of the gift & that it comes without conditions, but that OH would always be open to seeing his D again.

Putting the transfer of money into the hands of a third party removes the emotional element of the situation.

I wouldn't give her the money. Like everything in life there are responsibilities and they work both ways. She has chosen to estrange herself and their are consequences.

I would treat all children the same regardless of fallout. Hope it soon patches up.