Feeling lost, young Gran, empty nest & lonely.

Alltheglitterglue.... Yes I can relate to what your saying. I have 5 children. When my youngest started playschool I did a childcare diploma at nightschool then went to work in his playschool where I stayed once he started infant school. I adore children, all mine are grown up now, my girls have all left home, but my 2 sons one 31yrs old the other 22 years old still live at home with me and husband. But I still yearn to have more children, it's like a permanent ache and need that I feel. However that's an impossibility now. Sadly I don't see much of my grandchildren, so after lock down I'm going to ring around schools to see if they need volunteers for playground duty, I might even go back to working with children, but at the moment my health isn't too good, so I don't want to take something on then have to let them down. But I totally understand your empty nest syndrome, even though my nest isn't empty, it's still no longer required. I would still like my nest filled with little ones. So why don't you look for volunteering jobs with youngsters, it will help with those feelings your having. All you'll need is an enhanced DBC check I'm not sure what they're called now. But you know what I mean. There are many positions to fill if you like working with children .

I’m sorry your are going through this. You have had some good advice from others on here and I’m sure you’re going to be ok. It’s totally understandable you feel like this and are grieving for your loss. I felt like this when my son left 18 months ago and although I’m happy for him, it still hurts like hell. I’m getting there though , slowly. I’m gradually changing things in my life for the better and exploring what I want to do and you will do this too I’m sure, it just takes time. Every now and then though the feelings of loss come back and I get so emotional, which sometimes takes me by surprise but I guess I’ll get used to that too. I suppose what I’m saying is don’t try to rush things, take your time and figure out what you need to do, you’ll get there. Good luck xxxx

Like everyone I was in your position some 20 years now and it was very painful when the last DS left home. When it happened both my DH and I sat looking at each in silence feeling quite sad, the house was so so empty. Next day for my DH, his life continued as normal and went back to work whilst I wondered around the house and because I had spent 30 years in Europe had no one to confided in and was very lonely.

So I started to look for work but soon realised, that in England, 30 years of childcare and a home manager with good qualifications counted for nothing because I was too old at 52 accept for voluntary work, that is working for nothing as I have done all my married life.

I began to realise how much I missed little children and so retrained as a nursery teacher and never looked back. I spent the next 15 years as a Montessori teacher manager and loved every minute of it. When I retired I once again missed the children but now have grandchildren so my joy of being with little ones continues.

My point is, the loss of children to the big wide world is natural but painful and you need time to adjust.
Like any major change you have to readjust. So do not rush into making rash decision, take your time to assess your options. For the first time since you got married and had a family you can think about yourself, what you like to do, or always wanted to do but family duties took over.
It is your turn to choose.

Good luck

Happy Mother's Day to all you lovely mums and grans out there. But especially to those who haven't had a card or gift.

Although a single parent I can’t say I felt this even when the second one left home. I was still working and, as they got older, had been able to establish my own social life and downsized. Until lockdown we all visited each other regularly and they loved to come back for home cooking BUT we all agreed our lives had moved on. I’ve not seen youngest, who lives in another city, since last September but he rings every day and eldest and family are my bubble. I’ll always be a mum but, at this stage of my life, I can enjoy being an independent person again

My thoughts and best to everyone who didn’t hear from their DCs today

Apologies, there have been so many posts that I’ll be here forever if I go back through to respond to everyone individually.

To answer some questions:
We had/have plans and plenty of them, this pandemic has left us unable to do all of them.

That’s the crux of the problem really.
Covid.
Although I think that I still would have felt the grief I don’t think I would have felt it quite as keenly if it weren’t for lockdown because I would already have thrown myself into all of the things already suggested.
DC3, our last one at home, left as their new home was ready the weekend after lockdown 1.
All things considered, I had been bearing up very well and remaining optimistic until January of this year when I simply lost my mojo.
As much as I had resisted, Covid (lockdown) fatigue finally got me.

DH and I do make a point of spending time together, we get on very well. Like anyone, we’ve spent a year now shut in a house together. We haven’t once argued but it wouldn’t matter who we both are as people, there’s only so much you can find to talk about

We already know the area we want to move to, last year we were going to stay in B&Bs in that area to scope it out and we will again, as soon as we can.

I would love to become a foster carer, particularly to teens, teens with babies too, and it’s something that we have talked about. DH says that he can’t do it and I have to respect that.

To the person who said that I was lucky to have a 6 bed house and downsizing to a 4 bed is hardly downsizing; yes, we are ‘lucky’. What wasn’t as lucky (and this is very outing if you live near us, though I am going to say it because I feel incensed) is that both of my parents died within 24 hours of each other, as a result of the same act. They were not much older than I am now.
That post/poster made me cry.
I would gladly have lived in a smaller house all these years to spend an hour in their company.
Please don’t judge people before you know their situation.
We want a 4 bed because, of our 4DCs; 1 has 2 children and all of our other DCs have said they want children too.
All things considered, I think we may find a 4 bed a squeeze at times.

Which brings me to all the bereaved, all the lonely, of those who have been forgotten, left out or, like me, are just struggling to adjust to an empty nest.
I don’t pray as such, so I’m sending you my best thoughts and I’ll wish for sunnier days for all of you

What no Mother’s Day card What a disgraceful behaviour
A home made one costs nothing so just meanies
So sad to read this soooozeldflooze

For me the empty nest feeling never goes away it is just replaced with another kind of nest - full of friends, neighbours and new interests. If you love having a full house get involved, there are plenty of people needing a cuppa or a place to meet and chat (WHEN we get let out again of course). Meanwhile you can reach out to some local groups online. I have joined a sewing group and we shall all meet one day for a 'show and tell' of our projects
We also downsized and we have met so many nice new neighbours and have some really good friendships building up. We go for walks and take a flask of coffee and sit at opposite ends of a bench!
This is just another phase of your life, embrace it and it will grow, it takes some getting used to and as others have said soon your flock will be passing through again and then you'll be longing for some time and space to yourselves!
Give yourself time to grieve and the feeling will change from sadness to recalling the happy memories while you build new ones

On a radio programme on grieving, it was stated that one year and one month is a minimum time for initial grieving - time is needed for all those 'firsts' without someone, (birthdays, Christmas, important dates and memories) to pass. After my DP died, I was quite ill and my doctor, who is wonderfully perceptive, said she was not surprised as DP's death was exactly one year before. It took me by surprise and she was exactly right. I really think you are grieving - now your last DC has gone you are missing all of them. It is also the first anniversary of the end of and era, ie being 'a Mum for 30 years'. In addition, this is the one year anniversary of lockdown too, and all that has probably hit you hard when you weren't expecting it. You are in a good situation, have lots of formulated plans, a happy marriage and a career. Your children sound caring, level-headed and independent, so even if they don't yoyo in and out of your door as my AC have, you ARE still their Mum and they will involve you in their lives. Allow yourself time to be upset and you will feel better soon.

Join your local WI. Still effective during lockdown and you can join in by zoom etc.
You can move now, take advantage of stamp duty holiday??
Time for you now . Make plans to encompass what you want to do for the next 10 years perhaps. April 12th sees a release for some lockdown so join a walking group, go swimming, set up a book group. You are bright, healthy, go for it!

i was widowed at 39 after being my dh carer for 7 years, my son was 16, by 19 he had flown the nest, i have a grandson who has just turned 2, this past year has been hard not seeing him and his family in person, we face time and have facebook so i see the little one. it has been lonely this past year and difficult to keep busy due to covid and lockdowns. i understand that moving at the moment is difficult but you could maybe start planning by clearing the house, looking at areas and what they offer if you are going to a different place, join some online groups or volunteer if your work life allows it. lots of hugs and look after yourself.

I really identify with your post alltheglitterglue. I thought I had prepared well for my kids leaving - a good and demanding job, friends, hobbies - but it hit me like a ton of bricks. Son went to America and daughter to Canada and I felt almost as if I was suffering a bereavement, I had so much pain. I used to stand in their rooms filled with such sadness I couldnt even cry. I had DH, but I wanted to be a family and not a couple, with all the hustle and bustle of family life. I saw all this as a weakness and felt guilty that I couldnt cope. I can promise that it will get better. Ten years on I never stop longing to see the 'kids' and am overjoyed when they call, but it does get easier with time. What saw me through was keeping very very busy and planning things for the future, rather than dwelling on the past. Difficult at the moment I know, but the summer and hopefully better times are on the horizon.

It's safe to say, many of us mothers have been through this. You are in good company. After being involved and needed by children for 30 years, with a purpose of the highest order, you now have been relegated to a different position. Unfortunately it's something you go through and fortunately when you get to the other side you are glad to be there. First, allow yourself to grieve. This part of your life is not gone, but is very different. So its okay to feel low. I think I promised God that I wouldn't blink this time if he let me do it again. This is a time where you try things. You take a class or two of an interest, you try gardening, you reach out to neighbors your age and invite them for a walk, you invite your husband to try a new restaurant, you look up Meetups online and see if anything grabs your attention, you invest more interest in your work, strive for a higher position or take the time to try a job you have fancied, if your finances are good. 50 is very young. Believe it or not, your new found freedom will look unbelievably wonderful in about 2 years. You will be in a much better place. You are grieving that that part of your life has changed. New experiences are on the horizon. Reach out.

Have you thought of volunteering or joining something such as a Book Group?

Slowly but surely, you'd meet new people although I accept that it would be different from having your family in the house.

I appreciate it is hard at the moment but, when society opens up, perhaps it will be possible for you to meet new people to fill in the gap.

Sorry to hear this but you are not alone ...you are lucky that you still have your husband ....is there nothing you could do together ? At the moment things are difficult with no travel, no contact with family etc ......I have one daughter who lives miles away but have had no contact (her choice) for 14 years ....I know where she lives (internet wonderful !) and I send cards, birthday, Christmas etc....no idea when my grandson's birthday is and cannot even make any financial provision for him without knowing his dob or his mother's consent, so I have made my Will and left everything to friends and charities ! So please be glad you are NOT alone .......all families are different, and maybe you can still talk to your family or chat on video .......think carefully before you make the move during present restrictions, why not go look, when permitted (!) at places you think you might like to live, book a hotel or b & b and spend a few days in each place.....researching what is available ...i.e. things to join, proximity of transport, medical etc for when you get older ...ease of travel to see family (so nowhere too remote, for when you can no longer drive).....read about each place (online before you go if you like)....make some plans for visiting each place ...that will keep your mind off being alone (I live on my own and had planned this year (and last !) to travel...now its all gone, so far .....so, you could join the Virtual U3A and find a subject that interests you ...there is so much you can do online ...learn a language etc...you will find something if you keep looking ! Good luck

Very good advice & comments here. Yes, "empty nest syndrome" can affect some of us worse than others, depending on our "make-up" I suppose - I suffered a complete breakdown when it happened to me, without my families support, I wouldn't have made it at all. And I never want them to know that it was the "last straw" that tipped me over, I don't want them to feel bad as I should've been able to deal with anything for the family, I tried so hard, but it just took me over and I was completely within its power. So, heed advice given here by others and keep well. (I'm ok now but it took me a year to get completely well).

alltheglitterglue Thanks for sharing about empty nesting. There’s so much in there that I can relate to. It’s not stuff you would wish on anyone else, but you’re not the only one who feels that way. It’s a part of life that I thought I’d be better at, but hey-ho, live and learn. Nice to read the comments. Gransnet is great - a space where worries and grumbles can be aired and kindly discussed. It’s likely that after the unprecedented difficulties of the last year we’ll be happy to accept any pluses thrown at us and have a new outlook on life. All the best to you ?

I've mentioned this before that I must be an awful mum. I don't miss my kids being at home. I like to see them when they visit but am equally as happy when they've gone. I've two fab AC who are making their way in life doing what they should be doing and I'm enjoying not parenting (although do get asked for advice etc). I love my empty nest wish I could have had it at 50. Enjoy your freedom, find a hobby, make new friends there's a whole world outside of parenting. X

alltheglitterglue

“It’s strange, we’ve been preparing for their leaving for years so I don’t understand the shock, grief and sense of loss. I feel stupid and that I’m being over dramatic but you are right grannygranby it does feel like I’m experiencing delayed grief.”

Thank you for your post. Grannygranby expressed the feeling of grief very well. I also have 4 children with 9 years between them, and some of my GC are well into their teens! I had a very busy professional life, so not many local friends as I worked long hours. Our children live across different parts of the country and have busy lives. The youngest moved out a couple of years after I took early retirement.
I think you have to be kind to yourself and recognise that there is grief for the loss of a busy family life, which when you have 4 children is hectic for many years. As a mum you are at the centre of everything. I too feel sad this stage of life is at an end and it’s been worse over the last year as we have seen almost nothing of our DC and DGs.
We nearly downsized last year but it all fell through in the lockdown. I hope you will feel better when lockdown lifts and “normal” life can start again. Meanwhile I have found that reconnecting with old school and uni friends, doing more of the things I enjoy with OH, and just thinking about myself as more than a mum all help.
As you are still working are there professional networks you can join? I have made a couple of good friends that I am still in touch with that way.
I know how it feels and good luck!

Enjoy your free time? I do! I can drink a cup of tea while it's still hot, watch a tv program uninterrupted, take up a new hobby (painting, local history, crochet?), have a full night's blissful sleep! Then there's Facebook, Skype with the adc., music? The list is endless!

I totally understand glitterglue. It's a very weird time. I still can't get my head round it. My daughter left the country aged 21, just after my 50th birthday in 2005, and never came home apart from brief visits once a year. She is happily married, works and lives in the Caribbean after training as a chef at the Ritz in Paris! She works as a chef on the big super yachts. My son went off to university in 2006, and never came home. Usual visits, and about 6 months living with us while they saved for a year travelling. He met his current partner at uni, and they are still together, bought a house and seem happy. His partner has said she will never have children, and my daughter works in an environment which is not conducive to having children. I will never have grandchildren, which is sad for me (I think both my kids, and their partners, would make great parents) but is absolutely their life choice. My husband had a serious stroke in 2018, aged 60, and I am now his carer. It is not the old age we thought we'd have. I often feel terribly lonely - not just "empty nest" but profoundly, sadly lonely. My husband's stroke means he has been left with a "dangerous swallow", and other disabilities, so he chokes and splutters through every meal, so he can't be left on his own, which makes it feels like we are both in prison. We are moving this summer if everything goes through, and I am hoping we will find new friends, and new interests and new opportunities in Weston Super Mare. It's been a huge challenge, moving through this pandemic, but is possible. I think maybe you need to move ASAP. A big house is filled with memories, and you need to make new memories and have new things to be excited about. It's tough, but if you have brought up children who are independent, successful and reasonably happy, then you have done a fabulous job. And even if it feels like good parenting comes back to bite you on the bum, life is still out there waiting for you to grab it by the balls :-()

It’s a great time to love house to the area you want to be in which will give you focus! Grästorp time to reach out to others great time to get settled to look forward ti the rest of your life. As I believe life after Covid will be different yes and what a great time to place this foundations in somewhere you want to be. Focus on Making your new home the place the DC and DGG will want to be. Big open plan kitchen / eating area etc etc. Why wait focus on what you want rather than the empty nest! Make the best of the future so inviting you’ll be over run with them all !!!
Remember focus on what you want rather than what you don’t have ! ❤️

Erm, 4 bedrms& more reception rooms isnt really 'downsizing' much is it??Some of us arent that lucky.

Yes, if you're still working, volunteer for after work hours (just a couple of hours even?) Or on days off? Just to keep you connected to others and a chance to help you feel 'useful' and make new friends amongst other volunteers perhaps?

It is difficult, I was widowed and experiencing “empty nest” as the last of my three children went to uni. I found myself rattling round a big four bedroom Ed semi. I used my bedroom, a smaller sitting room, kitchen and bathroom only. The thing is our children do not always take everything with them. I found myself quite emotional looking at the doll’s house, and football trophies.
I had to bite the bullet and downsize after about 18 months. It was the best thing I ever did. I find myself very fortunate that I have always had lovely neighbours.
My children never returned home once they had left, but I didn’t either. You do quickly get used to your own space and at your own pace.
You sound like a lovely caring mum and grandma, you will eventually settle and be proud that you have brought your children up to be confident and more than able to step out and make their own lives.
Sending my best wishes.