I’ve been a toxic daughter in law!

I think lockdown has given us the chance to look at life and ourselves in a more searching way and how brilliant that you have had this realisation. Flowers, cards, apologies, improved behaviour are all appropriate but I might be inclined to let her read your post.
It is so honest and demonstrates how sorry you are and how badly you want to put things right. Let her see your honesty and confusion and ask for a fresh start.

I think a lovely letter saying how grateful you are for their help and support (less emphasis on the negative) then move forward as you plan. Credit where it’s due. Having such an epiphany about yourself is tough. Please be gentle on yourself. If you’ve had mental health problems it will have been a tough time for you. Good luck.

Just do it what feels natural to clear the air between you.
I’m one of those MIL that has felt sadness & frustrations with my DIL.
I would love to have better relationship with her. Good luck.

My situation is slightly different in that I have a step daughter who I found incredibly difficult for years, I wasn’t the other woman and she had a great relationship with her father and her stepdad.
Having always loved children I felt hurt and confused but carried on just treating her fairly and being kind ( I cried on many a friends shoulder)
20 + years later she one day came out with “ I think I owe you an apology, I’ve been vile and I don’t know why”
It really made such a difference and we are so very close now.

Cortinaj
Well done. Better late than never. Life is so short. We could all do with being more understanding. We’re not perfect either.

I was awful and no-one ever pulled me up and told me to behave myself. I’m so sad to have caused grief to my in-laws who were actually not in the least unkind to me.

Mothers’ Day is coming up so all of you who still have Mothers or M-in Laws can at least send a lovely card. Make the most of it.

If she doesn't like confrontation and awkward conversations begin by respecting that. She would probably appreciate some flowers- it's spring the first daffodils or a bowl of bulbs. She might even recognise it as the start of something new. Then maybe text her sometmes asking how she is and arrange a post lockdown meet up.

Our DiL was extremely unpleasant for about 5 years after she got together with our DS - refused to join family parties, rude to our friends, jealous of the relationship our DS had with his sister - I could go on. And on. It upset us very much.
I think she was very unhappy and insecure, thousands of miles from her own home and family, which she had fled. But gradually, although nothing was said aloud, as she and our DS became established in their lives (careers, house, no children by choice) she has changed and is invariably pleasant and polite, if not very sociable.
Mummymoo2015, if you feel the need to apologise, I think your MiL would accept it gladly. But change your attitude too! As has been said, actions speak louder than words.

If you opened up to you MIL and explained how you feel it could do wonders for your future relationship. It’s difficult to know what to do for the best if your DIL is difficult as you don’t want to spoil your relationship with her, your son and your grandchildren. I know, I’ve been there so, unfortunately, tend to keep my distance for fear of being tagged as interfering.

it is great that you are realising you have been difficult. the dynamics of families can be difficult add on anxiety and pnd?!
Your awareness is the change for everyone.They will see the change in you, why not say you have been suffering ,and in someway they have know anyway? My DIL was so difficult even nasty ,i suspected there was a mental health condition ,or either she was just a nasty person.After the birth of her last child she had a breakdown and is receiving treatment.She is now lovely and she said to me 'you must think I'm a nutcase' I replied 'not at all, it is so nice to see you well' I always loved her like my daughter,now it's so much easier.

If your mother in law doesn't like confrontation, a quick, ' I really appreciate all the support you've given me in the past even if I haven't said so before', might be enough. Maybe flowers too, but I would let actions speak for you from then on. I hope you enjoy your relationship from now onwards.

I would do both , I’d write out a heartfelt letter and give it to her along with nice bunch flowers , that way there would be no need to make conversation over it unless MIL feels she would like to , then I’d move forward in a nicer and more loving way to show that you really do care . How nice of you to realise how difficult you’ve been in the past and you now have time to put things right . I wish some people I know would think the same ...would make a better world .

Maybe send her something special for Mother’s Day and then keep working on yourself to behave better in future. Lockdown has given a lot of us an opportunity to pause and reflect on past behaviour, self included and I’ve been found wanting!

Do it ASAP. I was not the nicest DIL that I could have been. It doesn’t keep me awake at night as it was so long ago but looking back my actions or lack of them must have been very hurtful.

A friend had a 'toxic-SIL' and all the family found her stand-offish, difficult and abrasive. A couple of years ago the SIL had treatment after long term mild depression which began as post-natal depression many years before. She finally got help after the kids left home for universit, which gave her some space for herself. The person just explained about the depression and has changed, now getting on well with everyone and far more involved and positive. It wasn't done as a big reveal or anything, just as part of normal conversation.

I literally could've written this post myself 6 months ago. My MIL isn't the easiest person to get along with on occasions. I've been with my hubby for 18 years (3 kids) and the amount of sulking me and his mum have been with each other is unbelievable! ? It took my hubby losing his job at the start of the pandemic for me to see the truth and the truth is; she's always had our back. She's a devoted grandma and a very loving mum. Yes, she can be a pain in the bum sometimes but can't we all... ??‍♀️ I sent her a massive bunch of flowers with a card saying "thank you for all you do. We all love you very much". FIL said she was in tears when she received them. That was it. I make more of an effort than I've ever done and just trying to see things from her point of view more often. So far, so good. Xx

I was a toxic daughter-in-law. My in-laws, from my first marriage, were wonderful to me. Far better than my own parents. They were also annoying in many ways, eg he never listened to what you said the first time, and made you repeat every sentence. That drove me mad. However, looking back with hindsight, and now as a mother in law, I realise they were just trying their best and I wish I could apologise for my behaviour towards them. It’s too late now.

I was in the brunt end of a over zealous mil. Her apology came to me weeks before her death in a very odd but understandable way. It meant the world to me to have her say not quite sorry but near enough. She talked about her being demanding and that I had always been there for her. I think she knew over the forty years her son and I had ha swords many a time about her attitude and unkind words. He actually didn’t get what I got off her and never really speaks about her now. So sad. But yes move forward and write her a letter or pick a time when you are bath together again and say it kindly and with feeling she will appreciate this so much, good luck and well done for seeing this.

I think what ever you do Mommymoo2015 it will be appreciated.
I think alot of good has come from this covid lockdown tbh,it`s made alot of people look at their relationships/friendships and how they have behaved be it good or bad.
I wish you all the very best and agree 100% with the Gransnetters advice.

I totally agree with NellG - and I respect you for your ability to have clear eyed understanding of your behaviour. You look to me as if you are opening up to accept responsibility - and it isn't easy to do that. And you also look as if you have a good heart and care, while also having had challenges and stresses. I salute you and strongly suggest you look at NellG's response and if you can follow what she says. I wish you well and think this is likely to turn out to be a very important time for both you, your husband and your in-laws. You won't change over night and don't worry if you go back to old ways - so long as your are ready to acknowledge and accept the reality, you will be able to say sorry when appropriate and go ahead far more happily. Do not beat yourself up! It doesn't help change and just makes you feel bad - which makes it harder to be who you want to be. Acknowledge, accept, and be as kind as you can to yourself and to others.

Me too

I'd feel very uncomfortable with a conversation like that but a bunch of flowers with a card saying 'thank you for everything you do', signed just by you, would be lovely and very much appreciated. That's all, make your future actions speak louder than words. I've just done this with a family member, can't remember why we started off badly, but it's never too late to get along better.

I know "say it with flowers" is an advertising slogan, but very apt on this occasion, I think. I'd love it too, if you are my DIL. She's been a really judgemental b***h! But I would forgive so long as it was genuine, and in your case it sounds as though you've had an epiphany. Bless you for your honesty. I hope it all goes well for you. X

There is always a good reason to make an apology -either face to face or by letter.
Have you ever thought that the way your MiL behaves towards you is because of the way that you have been treating her?
At the very least, give her a call and say straight away , before she puts the phone down on you that you want or need to apologise.
Don't expect an overnight change in her attitude to you though as she will probably wait to see that you really mean it - your hard work begins now!

My father's advice to me was never put anything in writing you do not want to be used in evidence in the future.
Change your ways if you feel you need to, be different towards them not over the top but kind.
They have never confronted you about it so perhaps going forward in a different manner is the best. See what happens.

Make the gesture, by letter by all means as you feel your MIL will be most comfortable this way.

You have down what many of us never bother to do, look honestly at our past behaviour and try to make amends for what went wrong. Good for you.

You deserve the satisfaction of knowing that you have done everything that is possible to make up for it, and I don't think you will have that satisfaction unless you apologise.

Your MIL may be too embarrassed to answer, but at least you will know you have done what you could.