Are all families dysfunctional?

Monica I was commenting on the example given by icanhandthemback, I did not give the example.

I deliberately did not use the word dysfunctional, which I think is much more extreme than "not functioning in a particularly healthy way".

I agree that functioning families work around each other's foibles and adapt. However I think that "coercion" and "threats" are not always direct and spoken. In the example icanhandthemback has given there is not enough information about why her DIL made the statement she did about her mother, but the fact that the comment was made suggest to me that things may not be quite as straightforward and "healthy" as they should be.

However, who knows.

Madgran77 I do not think that the example you give means that the whole family is dysfunctional. On that basis there would be no functional families for a dysfunctional family to be compared with.

A functional family is one where everyone adjusts and works with everyone's little foibles. Currently the SiL is happy to spend all his Christmases with his wife's family.

If at some point the SiL insists that they should have Christmas with his family, or on their own at home. The MiL in question, may well resist the move when suggested but if the younger couple were insistent, would have to give way, but would probably adjust to the idea and accept it, even though she would prefer to monpolise there every Christmas. That is what functional families do.

If she cut the D and family out of her life and every member of her family agreed with her - then you are talking about a dysfunctional family.

Other times, a family will lovingly work round one family member's foibles. As long as there are no threats or coercion and the adjustments are voluntary and people are happy to make them then you are talking about a functional family.

My DIL has a very close relationship with her family with two parents who have stayed together and seem happy. However, sometimes when I listen to her talking about it, I can't help thinking that it all functions very well now she is married with 2 kids because things have carried on the same with family arrangements and my son is quite happy to slot in. For example, if DIL ever said she didn't want to go to her parents for Christmas, by her own admission, her Mother would fight tooth and nail to change her mind. To me that suggests that if you toe the family line, you function well. If you try to forge your own path, it won't

Interesting point icanhandthemback.

To me, a family that is unable to "let go" of ways of doing something as members change and grow is not functioning in a particularly healthy way. In the example that you give, at least one member of the family (your DILs mother) is not functioning in a healthy way in her relationships with her adult child; she is not allowing them to develop independently beyond the family.

I imagine that it is hard for you as what you describe suggests that your family is not considered relevant for consideration within the functioning/traditions of your DiLs family, they just do their thing and you have to accept it. I empathise with that situation.

buylocal this comment of yours interests me:

"My soap box relates especially to the idea of daycare for under 3s - one day society will make the link between this and later mental health and the ability to have healthy relationships."

Am I right that you think daycare for the under 3s is not a good thing?

My childminder colleagues and I often care for a child from a baby up to a teenager.
Many times we've been the one stable factor over these years in some children's chaotic family arrangements.

I am the main reason my family is dysfunctional - very hard to come to terms with and I’m wracked with guilt.
Would never go into online but it’s very hard to deal with.

Guilt & regret - never worked out how to overcome either.

I think you don't know what happens behind the scenes.

I am someone who doesn't discuss all my family business with other people. I don't boast about the good things either.

What I do is make conversation about my family without going into things too deeply. People may imagine things are 100% perfect but that would be wrong.

At the moment we don't seem to have family problems but you never know what's round the corner.

another post that seems to be resurrected from a few days gone by,,

does this mean a shortage of new posts? not that I post any!

My dad married my godmother and my mum married my godfather. My godparents were married to each other prior.
I am adopted, as is one of my brothers. I also have a half brother (from Mum and stepfather marriage) and a double stepbrother and stepsister (from godparents' marriage).
My half brother doesn't have children but the rest of us each have one boy and one girl.
I have led a privileged life - 4 parents and 4 siblings to play/argue with.
I wouldn't change a thing (other than losing 3 of my parents too early) but I'd be lying if I said it's all been a bed of roses!!

I also wonder about kibbutz-style upbringing, where the peer group is the unit. Is an alternative way of raising children, without the close family influences, likely to be less disfunctional or more so? There will be different pressures on the children.

Nothing is black or white, but the whole picture isn't black and charcoal grey either. That is the impression given by those who say that ALL families are disfunctional. The vast majority turn out descendants who are well -rounded individuals living balanced lives. Not pleasant for those who have suffered, but by no means universally "all families".

I wonder how many psychiatrists and psychologists are in the profession because they come from definitely disfunctional backgrounds, so their theories reflect their own experiences? They are helpful to others in the same boat, but not to those indiscriminately included in the poem, "They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad . . " etc

I don't think all families are dysfunctional but they all have their problems. I think it all depends on what you call "functional" too. Very often, you think a family is functional and then something happens to highlight the cracks or an inability to adjust to new circumstances.
My DIL has a very close relationship with her family with two parents who have stayed together and seem happy. However, sometimes when I listen to her talking about it, I can't help thinking that it all functions very well now she is married with 2 kids because things have carried on the same with family arrangements and my son is quite happy to slot in. For example, if DIL ever said she didn't want to go to her parents for Christmas, by her own admission, her Mother would fight tooth and nail to change her mind. To me that suggest that if you toe the family line, you function well. If you try to forge your own path, it won't. Is that a dysfunctional family? Is it normal? Coming from a majorly dysfunctional family, I don't have a clue!

Elegran

That is not to Emily but to others earlier in the thread, who stated that all families are disfunctional. Clearly they aren't!

Most people develop survival skills which allow them to function in spite of adverse experiences- this can also just be described as being part of the human condition - most people are unaware of their own and their family's dysfunction (not disfunction) - which is fine - but anyone who thinks they are perfectly balanced is deluded. All on a continuum of course - nothing is black an white. My soap box relates especially to the idea of daycare for under 3s - one day society will make the link between this and later mental health and the ability to have healthy relationships.

Facebook is one of the worst forms of social media. I envied other families that were so happy and loving. Theirs lives seemed perfect compared with mine. The lessons I learned were that you should never make your happiness dependant on other people. Their lives weren't perfect as I discovered when their marriage broke up. People may say they are happy and successful but you don't know whats around the corner for them or you.

No, people dont broadcast problems in their families they skip over it and only speak or post the good things, its more normal to be adnormal.

Humans are eveloved with the primary goal of eating, sleeping and having progeny.
"Families" are an invention, not a natural category, though we like to point to animals "familes", none except humans get married, or get into such deep ideological bonds.
We should not expect any specific model of human family to work as expected. Our particuar one ,married with 2.4 children in a life long bond we like to kid ourselves it is a natual arrangement. Human societies throughout history and across cultures have had VERY different models for the perfect family and I am sure that they have all had their own successes and failures be that polygamous, polyandros, matrilocal, and patriarchal.
So, yeah all families have their "black sheep", their failures, and their discontents.

I have always profoundly disagreed with the opening line of Anna Karenina, It should be the other way round.

For some families to be dysfunctional. some have to be functional as well.

As for the family described bt the OP never met one like that described. I assume those like that are the dysfunctional ones. The rest of us muddle through, we have our triumphs and disasters. I never bother with people who bore me and boasters are a bore.

We're all beautifully disfunctional. Whoever said life was ever going to be beautiful, successful or happy? No-one. But, life is full of absolutely beautiful moments, interspersed with wondrous successes and times of unbelievable happiness.

Our family has its moments. I am the type who is happy to make the happy bits and the small stuff public if anyone is interested. but think that the big stuff is nobody else’s business

No idea but mine is!!!!

Oh, geekesse, snap, snap and snap agai! You and I are right, of course.

I used to feel way behind in the 'bragging at the school gates' scenario but many years later realised that all the other 'confident, happy, successful' Mums weren't so perfect after all. The teenage years are difficult enough without feeling as though I should hide our kids' misdemeanours, I found it exhausting, so kept away. Eventually all turned out well and we have two very lovely boys, happy,(ish), qualified, working, one with a partner and a baby! All is well in our world, and that is what matters to us. I have stopped comparing our family with others, we are content and comfortable with each other, what more could I ask?

I have yet to meet a family that hasn’t got some underlying disharmony. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are all at each other’s throats, but it’s human nature that we don’t all get on with each other, whether family or friend.

A friendly acquaintance during the teenage years was fond of telling everyone that her DD was perfect - they had never had a moment's worry about her behaviour. We who knew what her DD got up to - via our own teenage offspring who moved in the same circles - kept our heads down and said nothing.
A few people have said to me over the years they wish they had my life; I have grimly but silently reflected that if they 'walked a mile in my shoes' they might think very differently, but I have never felt inclined to discuss big family problems or ongoing serious trouble with anyone - and there has been plenty of both. So - the dysfunctional family may look perfect; those who think they have a perfect life may well be dysfunctional - but what is a normal life? Who is to say what isn't?

Interesting because I have a friend who seems to always get everything she wants. She is an avid photographer who posts on Facebook frequently about the “fabulous” day she’s having skiing, kayaking, apple picking - whatever. I’m close enough to know that she was estranged from her mum and her dad passed after a long illness so her life has had some “downs.” I also know that she’s become estranged from what were very close friends. I finally realized that she has been, in general, pretty lucky and gets everything she wants - but her secret is that if, for any reason, she can’t get something, she convinces herself that she doesn’t want it. She easily dismisses or disdains things that others may want that she doesn’t have so, in essence, she’s basically structured herself to be happy, if that makes any sense.

There's only my sister and I left in our family and we both get on each others nerves cos we are so different and when I listen to friends about theirs we are not the only ones. All families I think have to have problems of some sort, it can't always be wonderful. My sister only contacts me when she needs me for something, I seem to be the one always contacting her to check she's ok. My best friend who I've had from school cares and knows more about me than my own sister which is sad.