Disrespectful grandchildren

Hithere ... How horrible for a 13 year old to be in the middle of the pandemic, for sure cannot be easy for her!

Right now, her cell is her lifeline to her social life.

Two things I'd point out here....

It's horrible for EVERYONE having to deal with living through this pandemic, not just snowflake teenagers, and the mobile being the lifeline to this girl's social life.... she's got schoolwork to do and family she needs to respect, her social life is NOT meant to come before any of those other things, in fact, IMO, she doesn't deserve a social life UNLESS she behave properly, if remove her phone until she does!

I had that issue with one of my daughters. Have to say my grandchildren have very good manners and are all very polite but then I don’t live with them and that makes all the difference. The one who was like that would do nothing round the house, slam doors, talk back and was generally an absolute pain to be with. To cheer you up, she has grown into a lovely woman with a lovely family and is very neat and tidy so something must have got through!

Decent manners are an essential part of growing minds and if children have not learned how to be respectful by 13 then they need some sharp reminders that they don't rule anyones' roost! The " chickens are coming home to roost" for a great many parents, grand parents and great grandparents and the blame for all the disrespect, lack of manners etc lie solely with the adults who don't install boundaries with real meaning.

Why is everyone making excuses for what is unacceptable behaviour?

I had this problem years ago with my teenager, it was a constant battle and stream of abuse.. Now she blames me for her lack of qualifications because I didn’t ‘care’ enough. In retrospect I wish I’d got her to sign something saying that she’s aware of the work she should be doing and she takes full responsibility for her actions in refusing to undertake it. At least it might make her sit up and think.

The problem as I see it is that her mum is trying to be a friend rather than mum. 13 is a horrible age even without this pandemic, but if she's not doing any schoolwork then her future will suffer. I suggest that she has her phone for as long as she wants -after doing her schoolwork. Her mum must be paying for it, so it's her mum's phone .

This is typical behavior and yes, covid has a lot to do with it. First you must always exemplify the behavior you wish to see. Second, she is your granddaughter and not your daughter. You can tell your daughter privately that this fighting hurts you in your home. You can, as the owner of the home, hold a household meeting at a designated time. Have an agenda written down to follow, and give them each a copy at the table. Make a list of house rules to follow for all of you. It can be designated chores, or choice of chores. It can be all fights must take place in a bedroom, not in the main part of the house. Consequences are they have the choice to move out. If your daughter lacks parenting skills then ask her if she would like your advice. If she says no, then honor that but rules for the household hold. Covid is not easy. I fight with my husband over the littlest of things and he downright gets nasty. Remember, consequences for the 13 year old should be the mother's decision. Consequences for your daughter are your decision. You have every right, if you are paying the rent, to expect your daughter to have fights in their bedroom.

Paddyanne, I agree the being on the phone all the time and being unwilling to help is normal 13yr old behaviour, but not calling your mother nasty names. When my daughter was that age she'd have got a slap (fortunately I didn't have the name calling problem with her), but nowadays I think I'd definitely not do anything for that child or speak to her until I'd had an apology. Of course it goes both ways, if the mother badmouths the daughter then it kind of makes sense.

Goodness grandtante that was extremely harsh... No doubt it isnt easy living with your Daughter and Grandchild either but not ideal for them either I expect...

Hormones are all over the place so the pandemic is a double whammy.
Missing their friends ,stuck at home 24/7 with Mum and Nan .It really is a difficult time for us all...

Have a family meeting. Agree responsibilities (list them before hand and each of you choose - discuss those that ste less desirable, make sure its fair and dont make the choice for her). When responsibilities are done her time is her own, dont spoil it with nagging. She needs to feel she has some control her own life and is respected. She also has to notice it works both ways. If she uses an inappropriate tone then dont 'hear' her or respond. Try to connect. Start an in house book group. That worked for me and my grandson. He thought it was silly, cooperated to humour me and found he really enjoyed it.

Who pays for her phone? Take it off her for a set time.if she does her school work she can have it back

I was a terrible teenager (as my mother frequently reminded me in later years!). I disagreed with most people and told them so. I wasn't brought up badly. My parents were as strict as most others. It didn't stop me arguing with them. I didn't of course have a mobile phone, my escape came in the form of books. When I was offended I escaped to my bedroom with one. I remember not being able sometimes to stop my behaviour. It was years before I realised it was linked to my hormonal cycle. If I were you I'd keep a diary and try to work out your DGDs menstrual cycle. You may find there are certain times of the month when she is more difficult and argumentative. If that is the case perhaps you can tackle the matter better when she is in the right mood.

Well, I apologise if I sounded rude, but you are doing children no favours by allowing them to be difficult just because they are teenagers and there is a pandemic.

The adult world does not tolerate this kind of behaviour, and the whole point of raising children is to teach them to cope with the world they live in.

Yes it's a horrible time but have some respect i wouldn't do anything for her

Someone told me once the definition of a teenage girl is "someone who doesn't want you but needs you"
Good luck

grandtanteJE65
Totally agree with you children get away with far to much these days!

Just a typical teenager . Full of raging hormones and who thinks the world is against them . You just have to ride it out .

My D is fostering 3 of my GD's children and has had a couple of " set-to's " over laziness and untidyness with twin teens ( 15 this year ) and a soon to be 12 year old.
She's like a sergeant major but it works ! No games.

In the animal world this sort of behaviour happens all the time with the young challenging the mature. I think humans are just the same but don't expect it because we consider ourselves to be too civilised.
I was the most biddable child, too terrified to say boo to a goose but I remember going through a period of time where I swore at one of the house staff at boarding school, gave her a piece of my mind on more than one occasion and actually got into a wrestling match with a chocolate cake much to the astonishment to anybody who knew me. It didn't last very long and although I was never quite as biddable again, I was a lot easier to deal with.
All my children have been through the same thing and they've all turned out ok. Shouting at them just escalated the situation and if cornered, they felt obliged to defend themselves. The next few years are when I think children need their parents most to keep a watchful eye and be there to talk to when they are feeling at their most vulnerable. If you build up too much of an enemy situation, you deny them that communication advantage.

Be neutral much as it upsets you is the safest way around this.

Gosh SheilaSue, that's awful, I'm so sorry

This thread reminded me of this too

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jil6Or1Mtbc

the funniest episode was Kevin washes the car

stjohngirl, it's bad enough suffering your own children being teenagers, so hats off to you living with grandchildren taking it out on you aswell she'll emerge out the other end at some point

Sadly typical 13 year old girl behaviour.

Very easy to judge Mum and consequences, but this is such a tough situation for everyone and lockdown plus puberty must be a nightmare !

Horrible for you though and very different to how we were brought up !

DGC????

I agree about giving her no reaction, she's a typical 13 yo, she'll grow up.

If grandmothers, not mothers