Dreading arrival of second grandchild AIBU

@ellypat if you're worried that speaking to DD will upset her you could speak to your SIL to explain. This is an open ended commitment, you could end up transporting both children until they're old enough to get themselves to school by which time you could be 10 years older. Think of yourself and speak out NOW.

If a couple decide to have more children, or even if there is an unplanned pregnancy, it is not yours.

I would be very concerned for the little boy and his sibling. Being brought up by parents who cannot even cope with one child, and when one of the parents has obvious mental issues is a recipe for disaster.

The divide between the generations these days is not what it used to be. Once upon a time a woman of 70 was respected for her age and not expected to do all the things that Grand-parents have to do these days. Fortunately I am not in this position with my two Grand-children as they live too far away.
I lose out in that way - but us oldies have to look after our health especially in these difficult Covid times.........Make your boundaries before it is too late and good luck.

Looks like heaps of sound advice which all boils down to the samet hing: in a calm moment (not an angry or tense one) explain that you cannot say that you will undertake care of new baby too. Suggest that maybe they get extra help with the little boy as he is certain to play up even more once new baby arrives. Explain it all with love and care for them all - leave yourself out but do be honest and straightforward about what you can and can't do.

I know I couldn't look after my DGs every day as it would also be to exhausting. Also if I'm being honest , I enjoy being able to do what I want to do , when I want to do it. Even if it's just doing nothing !
Have a word with them and say you are finding it all a little hard going.
It should not have been a good enough reason to have a 2nd child knowing No 1 is already a handful thinking grandma is just around the corner to be at beck and call. Reclaim your life.

I would recommend sitting down for a chat with SIL. He doesn't have pregnancy as an excuse. He needs to start coping better with his own child and taking more responsibility.

On a positive note, this second baby may prove to be a much easier child, and may be a real joy to you.

If they cannot cope with one child how do they think having another one is going to help.

It seems to be assumed now that grandparents should be taking a share of the childcare and that if you dont want to then their is something wrong with you.

It may be an awkward conversation saying you are not doing it anymore but the conversation will take minutes the childcare could go on for years.

I remember when I looked after my first granddaughter so that my DIL could go to work and then they announced she was pregnant again. I waited for the subject to come up and simply said no, I am not looking after two! I stood my ground and DIL was massively upset because she had to give up her job in a school and go back to working evenings. But she got over it. I knew I would be exhausted looking after two small children and I was only in my fifties!! I am so glad I was assertive about it, because normally I am too soft. Parents should be responsible for their own children and the more you do the more they will expect. You deserve to be able to do what you want to do at your age, we all do.

So hard for you - torn between caring for so many and no support for you. I think like someone else said, that the other grandparents may be the answer. It needs an honest adult conversation between all parties - for the sake of two children who will need stability and love in their lives. Any negative feelings from one party to another must be set aside in order to look after and ensure a satisfactory outcome for the children. This might be impossible of course but I feel very sorry for those children.

You are in a very difficult situation and sound like you feel isolated and forgotten. Our situation is easier but has been horrendous to manage. Our son has 3 children aged 4 and under. Our daughter in law is insecure at best and volatile at worst. We had terrible ruptures in our relationship with him over childcare but resolved to do whatever we could as we could see how hard it was for him. However when I was hospitalized with pneumonia this year and my husband has health problems we decided we had to put our health over their expectations. We have told our son this but are anxious about what will happen when she returns to work next year. Our heads know what to do but our hearts lag behind. We are fortunate however as the children are easier to manage than your grandson. I found it helpful when our GP supported us in our decision.

I agree with most of what has been said. I found my DGS a bigger handful than his older sister and had to restrict my time with him. When you tackle your DD I suggest you tell her that you love having him but are not finding it easy because of your age, that you want to make sure his time with you is fun and positive and he doesn't have to put up with a tired old GP. You could look for some help from his daycare- is there someone you could car share with so you only do some days taking their child as well on your days? Even a couple of drop offs would give you a break.
I wonder how much longer he has in daycare? What will happen when he reaches school age?
Hope you can work something out. GCs should be a joy not a trial.

Maybe just a couple of times say you have to be somewhere else and can’t look after dgs and maybe they will realise just how much you do for them and not take you for granted. Shirt sharp shock sometimes world to get control back!

Oh ELLYPAT. I really feel for you. Most of us gran’s on here have most probably been in your situation. I loved helping out with my DGC, but I was younger and enjoyed it (mostly).
The time has come to sit down with your DD and SIL. They have to realise how the pressure is becoming too much for you. As other’s have said, the resentment you’re feeling now will become much worse if you don’t make a stand now.
As for taking your DGS for a couple of hours because they’re exhausted beggars belief. Your DD has mental health issues but your SIL hasn’t! He could take him out to a play park or similar to tire him out. Maybe you could ask your DD to have a couple of hours out with you and DGS. I think it’s a very weak excuse on their part to palm him off!
Would it be possible for you to contact SIL’s parents to put them in the picture? Maybe they would be happy to help. It’s worth a try.
Do come back to us and let us know how it progresses. ?

I have a group of lady friends where out of 7 of us, there are 3 that find themselves in the position where they cannot attend events, have to cancel things or leave early because of a regular committment with grandchildren that has no end in sight other than their own death or the grandchildren being of an age when they no longer need ferrying. My friends continually moan about the situation they are in but all feel unable to speak up and say this is too much and it means they have no life and are getting very tired or that they have health issues they are juggling.
My husband and I are emergency carer for our grandchildren ( we have 9- all under 10 and 2 more on the way). We will drop everything to help when needed in an emergency but have told our children they need to make proper professional childcare arrangements the rest of the time. We see them all regularly but at times to suit us and we invite them for sleep overs from time to time and away on holiday for weekends.
When the first was born I said I did not want to be called "Nanny or Nanna" because I was their grand parent and not their child nurse. They call me Grandma at my daughters' choice.
I am very happy with my situation and do not feel I am missing out on anything in respect of my grandchildren but I would say that and others will say they wouldn't swop their caring arrangements for the world. The point is its up to the individual to decide what they can and can't do.

Perfect timing to get help from mental health team and for referral to Children and Family Services or your equivalent of that.
Plenty red flags here showing a need for extra support.
Little boy could also being experiencing symptoms of ADHD.
Best of luck, keep pushing for the help. If you don't ask you don't get.

This is an awful situation but an honest conversation is the best way forward you won't be any help at all if your own health starts to suffer sometimes the more we do the more is expected having GC should be a joy as grandparent not a source of anxiety

The consensus amongst our wise group on grand net appears to be speaking up. Think of your own health and well being when doing this and help the family to seek alternative support for their kids as it is out there and can be reasonable depending on their circumstances. Good luck x

lemongrove is so correct, our children donot see us at our age.
good in one way, but then, they have never been "old" so how could they understand, if we don`t tell them

of which I am guilty!

yes, we older parents have to accept that if we don`t say, how can our children possibly know..??

thanks for the lesson

As everyone has said, you need to speak up now. Is there a reason your DD cannot use public transport to take the little one to nursery? Find another nursery nearer? Who is going to take him to school?

Be specific - e.g. you can manage 3 days a week taking him, but no more etc.

In the long run it will be better to have the discussion rather than continue doing things and feeling unhappy or resentful.

I put my hands up, I did the same with my parents. Looking back, I wonder how I could have been so unthinking but I had a lightbulb moment whilst reading this thread. What my Mum did was to look as if she was going to take on the task but then started letting me down. I became extremely resentful because it was causing me great problems at work and it became a very difficult. I also felt hurt (rather unreasonably I can now see) that it was just another area she was favouring my first born over my second.
I think a lot of the problems could have been avoided if I had been less unthinking and she had been more open about not wanting to do it. Clear communication is key and if it can be done without recrimination, it is a powerful tool for change without upset.

You MUST discuss this with your daughter and as soon as possible. How is she supposed to know that you're struggling if you don't tell her?? Maybe approach it from a "I feel we're going to have a problem, and I wonder how the two of us can sort it out?" Make it a joint issue and see if the two of you can come up with a solution where she feels she has some support from you, and you feel that you're giving her what you can (and don't feel guilty)? But you MUST tell her and you MUST decide in advance where your limits are and stick to them, no matter what she says.

The other Grandparents need to step up and help. It's absolutely wrong that it all falls on you.

I am the same age as you and completely understand how you feel.

I wish you well and hope you can get folk to see that there's a limit to what you can manage.

Your daughter may have to start using taxis on occasion ?

Listen to the sound advice you have here from others. Many of us including me have been in a similar position. We are taken for granted as parents and grandparents but we are not as young as we were.
It's nice to be able to help out when possible but it's not our duty to be full time carers. You must be honest you will feel guilty but you can't live your daughters life for her. If she is having another baby it's her responsibility to look after her family by organising childcare.

Until Covid, I helped out at a local family centre that had many mother and baby/toddler activities. Very low cost or free. Contact your health visitor, if you have one or look online for anything your area has to offer. Go with DD at first if that would help and good luck.