Is this normal for 69?

Hi thanks for the new replies. I never knew my mums dad as he’d cut her off, but apparently he was the same and did the scary silent treatment and sudden rages and told her she was useless and fat, so I think that’s possibly why she’s like that.

It sounds to me. as though your mother has problems that need addressing. She is treating you (and everyone else by the sound of it) extremely badly and you, as others have said, need to withdraw. You need to ask for help as soon as possible for both of you.

I don’t understand either, why she gets your care allowance. Surely you should be getting that?

Please take your medication as prescribed. Speak to your GP about your weight.

Look after yourself. Try to get some counselling. It sounds as though you need to talk to a professional

Not only is it abusive behaviour but also controlling and that's something you must call a halt to.

First of all do not come off any medications do not lower any medications unless it is done with complete supervision of the mental health team They really are not to blame for leaving you as you are reasonably stable in their eyes and they are run ragged with a lot of mental health problems spiralling out of control during lockdown, they are not purposely abandoning you The government need to spend a lot more money on the mental health of the country but that’s a whole other story

Now your mother, some people can be utterly charming to ‘strangers’ and throughly abusive to those around them but .....
You can only be abused if you allow yourself to be abused
Now you have had confirmation from many posters here, I hope you will feel braver Ideally you don’t need to make up excuses (like extra work etc ) but just say I m sorry I can’t do a b or c today ...you really don’t need to explain unless that s the only way you can gather the courage to do so
At 69 your mum is still young and unless very ill can do all the things you are doing for her, but why should she when she has a little doormat to kick around well you don’t need to be her doormat any more It’s your choice what you do for her if anything and if you don’t do it it doesn’t sound as if many others will be volunteering, so she ll have to get used to it
Everyone ages differently I m older than your mum but do everything for myself I try not to ask anything of my children unless really necessary your mum has got into a lazy abusive habit
You will do her a favour to not do it for her she needs to move around more and get out and about to stay healthy as she gets older
I hope that helps

There’s only one person your mother cares about, Rosequartz and sadly, it’s not you. Why on earth is she getting Carers Allowance for you? It doesn’t sound as though she contributes a single thing to your wellbeing.

We cannot control the way in which other people behave but we can control our reactions it it. You need to put yourself first and foremost and take control. Don’t worry about what will become of your mother. People like her simply latch on to someone else.

And to answer the original question, nope, it’s not normal for 69, or any other age.

I wish you the best.

Unfortunately it does sound as though your mother's behaviour has rubbed off on you from an early age.
Has there been a trauma in your mum's life to cause her to be like she is ?

Thankyou very much for all your messages, it actually makes me feel better to know I am not the one in the wrong. I am ‘discharged’ from the community mental health team so I am very much alone and find it hard to judge whether I was being lazy myself for wanting to stay home if I get a headache or cold. I used to have a psychiatric nurse but she said cuts meant her team can only see the most ‘disturbed’ patients. Not the one’s who are aware they have a mental illness and I hadn’t had a suicide attempt for ten years, so I’m seen as ‘stable’. It has been confusing for me is thar I moaned to my nurse all the things I put in my first post but she then had a meeting with my mum. After meeting my mum my nurse said ‘Your mum is lovely, I think your paranoia has made you see her falsely’. The thing is my mum does seem nice when meeting someone ‘official’ she only does all the anger and silent treatment on people she knows really well, like her ex friends. My nurse said I ought to make allowances for my mum as she is ‘elderly’ ( nurse was young-prob thinks over 25 elderly.
I once cried at high school and confided in a teacher at and once again she met my mum for one meeting and accused me of being an ungrateful liar and attention seeker ( actually I was painfully shy and didn’t want attention) . I actually would have got into trouble but my half sister wrote a letter from university, signed by her dad and stepmum, saying I had not lied. (I’m pretty sure that teacher still thinks I lied! She said ‘you paint such a sad picture’ which I think meant- ‘you’re making this up’. ) lol. There were other kids whose parents didn’t feed them, took drugs, and hit them so my sort of complaints must have seemed pretty minor to her. Mum always fed me, and clothed me and spent money on me. I never went without of birthday presents even though she was on benefits.
Anyway, I now feel I am justified in trying to really reduce my visits to my mums. I’m wondering about inventing extra voluntary work ( it’s actually shut at the moment due to covid). Thanks for helping me see clearly that it is not wrong of me to do this.
Ps I wrote it so it sounds like it’s the woman from the food bank who says I’m a unnatural for not wanting kids, but it’s my mum. My sister also says she cannot relate to or be friends with women who don’t want kids, by which I feel maybe she means this as including me? I’m really nice to my niece and nephews. I don’t dislike kids I’m just very immature and quite selfish. I like reading, travel, creative writing and quiet stuff. I also spend a lot of time ‘in a state’ , crying or hiding in my flat in my own world as I have trouble with my voices (which I still have on really high doses of meds, ) so i almost ‘don’t have space for a child’ which would be horrible for them. Although my mum constantly goes on about babies and what a maternal woman she is she actually once admitted shaking me a few time’s as a baby. I was about to have one of those brain scans where they stick rubber thingys to your head, to check incase I had frontal lobe epilepsy, rather than schizophrenia.
I wonder if despite her saying how much she wants babies in her life and is mad at me for not providing one, that she, like me ought not to have had them? It’s also out of my hands as I have never had a boyfriend sadly for me. ( men I fancy never fancy me back- another moan!) thanks for letting me complain so much, I feel lighter and better about myself. I don’t moan much in real life, people usually say I am ‘cheery’ and bubbly’ which sounds rather obnoxious! They even put it on my ‘care plan’ which I still have off the community mental health team. X

You are having a terrible time, sounds as though you have for years, and none of it is your fault. I do think you will need someone's help to get through withdrawing from her constant demands, is there no member of the family or a friend that would go with you and give you moral support when you talk to her? Be prepared for her to be angry, dismissive, and ignoring what you have said, this is where the courage comes to stick to your guns.

I wonder whether your CPN might get you some counselling into how to be a little more assertive?

Good luck, as others have said, you have only one life, and you deserve much better than this. Go for it, we are all behind you, come back and let us know how you get on?

Your mother is selfish and unpleasant and will continue this way as long as you allow her to use you as her personal slave.

I can only add that I'm 69, too, and filled with horror at the thought of being dependent on others for everyday activities. If she wants/needs to get out, remind her that legs, bicycles, buses, trains and taxis exist for this purpose. Or perhaps she could learn to drive?

As quizqueen said above, just tell her you're taking some time out for yourself and she'll either survive or starve.

Your mum may not have the same problems as you but clearly she does have some problems but you need to take care of yourself. See your Dr, if you can at present or speak to them on the phone and try to sort out your medication, mention your weight and if you want to your mum. I think the lady at your lunch club may have some problems so just do your thing and ignore her certainly don't stop going. It is not your job to get her newspapers and she could organise to have her shopping delivered.

I would say it’s probably normal for an extremely selfish, self-centred any-age person with bullying/control-freak tendencies.

For your average nice person, certainly not.

You need to pull back, OP, gradually if that’s the only way - just tell her you can’t do it any more and refuse to discuss it - and for heaven’s sake don’t feel guilty about it.

I cannot understand anyone behaving in this was unless she's so very unhappy she needs to lash out at her dearest and dearest like this. Jane has given sensible advice although I don't know how you will manage to withdraw from her as that is not an easy thing to do.
But you do need to invent some reasons as to why you're not available, and you do need to ignore her phone calls. You have backed yourself into a bit of a corner and its going to take a huge amount of courage to get yourself out of this and onto a more reasonable footing with her.
Her GP might be your first call for assistance, also Age Concern can arrange 'friends' to visit her or phone for chats, give them a call.
I am 81 and know that 69 is NOT old, she is quite capable of looking after her own shopping for goodness sake!

Normal? not at 69 or at any age unless she is seriously disabled which she clearly is not. I'm 79 and live 150 miles away from family but even if they were close by, I'd assert my independence and never presume on their generosity, I see that she gets your carer's allowance. I wonder if there is any possibility of your receiving PIP as it seems that you are capable of looking after yourself.

Withdraw. Inform her GP and Social services if necessary. Don't answer the phone to her.
I suspect you've been told all this before though. On no account stop your medication. Discuss the situation with your CPN.

Rosequartz39 You should not put up with this kind of treatment, never, ever. I've met a few people with mothers like yours and it is always the children who suffer from the stress.

At 39 you should have years ahead of you. Please continue taking your meds. Perhaps you could talk to your doctor and get them changed since they have caused your weight gain.

Writing as someone who doesn't have children, through choice, please try to ignore the hurtful comments from that woman at your lunch club. You are certainly not unnatural.

Keep up with the voluntary work. Apparently it's one of the things that makes us feel better.

Finally, if she telephones you a lot, I'd think seriously about changing my telephone number and going ex-directory.

I wish you well.

I’m 69 and I can’t imagine treating my children like this, she sounds totally selfish.

You need to take some time for yourself, let your mother fend for herself.

To put it bluntly your mother is playing you for a fool. She is a narcissistic woman who doesn't care about your health or well being. If you don't distance yourself from her it will destroy you. I wish you all the very best.

Im 69 and I have a big family and 5 grandchildren, I’m always on the go helping them all as much as I can, they all come to mine for get together, there all working hard, so I feel I should help them, and I love doing it that’s what family’s do HELP each other, your mother is one selfish narcissistic person she will get worse when she is old, so you take yourself out of this unhealthy situation, she will find someone else soon enough or maybe stand on her own two feet , your not helping her running around after her, you deserve a happy life and you won’t have it with her, sorry but it true

I regard 69 as very young! She should be standing on her own feet at that age and not using you, to the detriment of your own life.

Please don't reduce your medication by yourself because you may get very ill and not be aware how poorly you are. I speak from experience of my husband being a sufferer of paranoid schizophrenia.

Your mother is selfish and is using you. She is cruel and uncaring. Just see how her friends and other children have distanced themselves.

I agree that you should draw on the support of your GP, psychiatric nurse, social worker to help you withdraw from this abusive situation. Have them organise counselling to help you manage this and to deal with the guilty feelings that you may (undeservedly) have.

I wish you strength to start to do this.
Once you've made the decision it will be easier.

Your mother is clearly abusive and has a huge sense of entitlement whilst being excessively selfish . 69 is no age and unless she is physically ill should be able to manage all aspects of her life herself including her own shopping and getting of newspapers!

I do hope you have some friends who can help you. Could you speak to your GP about arranging a medication review for you? If your current drugs have caused a lot of weight gain , and you find this upsetting perhaps there is alternative medication that would suit you better. Do you have support from a psychiatrist or CPN , perhaps talk to them .

You deserve your own life, it is not your fault your mother is as she is.

Stop visiting or contacting her for a month. She will either live or starve.

Rosequartz,your mother seems very entitled and abusive.

Please don’t reduce your medication without medical supervision.You could also ask your GP to refer you for counselling to help you deal with the situation with your mother.

Did you say your mother is getting carers allowance for looking after you?It would be better if you had Attendance Allowance so you could arrange help for yourself.If you have a social worker that is something they could help you with.Hopefully another gransnetter can give you more knowledgable advice on this.

You sound a lovely caring person and you deserve a happy life.Its difficult with COVID but maybe start by speaking to your GP.Make a list of the things you need help with - if you should reduce your medication,dealing with your mum and losing weight.

I hope you can get the help you need to live a happier life?

I agree with Esspee please don't consider stopping your meds just because your mother says you should Rosequartz.
Your mother sounds like a very unkind and controlling woman, you need to distance yourself a little from her. I don't understand why she gets a carers allowance as she doesn't appear to support you at all.
I think you need to talk to your mental health nurse about what is happening. I wish you well.

Hi I am new. Thanks for all your replies I feel clearer now xx