Should I meet my mum, 66yrs age and lives alone

I’m sure it’s all been said, but I would tread carefully. We cycle every week to our son and his family, and talk to them from the end of their front garden. A few weeks ago, our youngest grandchild, who is nearly 2, got upset he couldn’t cuddle us. So now we go during his sleep. Is there a chance your child could react like this? We are not ‘needy’, and neither are our son and family, but I get the impression your mother is, and therefore actually going out to see her may cause problems. She may be the one ‘running’ to you! Basically, there is nothing wrong, theoretically, with you talking through the window, or standing 2 metres away, IF everyone is all right, but as it sounds like your mum isn’t feeling the best, as much as you want to care for her, she may not cope with this. It’s safer to stick to social media. The last thing you need is for her to have a meltdown and then run over to cuddle you all. Keep yourselves safe, this won’t go on forever, then afterwards, maybe you can get your mum to have counselling if she still needs it.

Joyfulnanna (beautiful name, I feel the same)
Exactly! And a few need to familiarise themselves with the updated guidelines too.

"Previous" but maybe precious too ?

Narnia - precisely!! I went for my walk yesterday, practiced sensible social distancing but could still chat to neighbours, local shop assistant, a lady tidying up her front garden. Kindness is so much more important right now. We're all feeling fragile and uncertain. She's your mother. Cut her some slack and find a compromise. As precious poster has said "there but for the grace of God.."

Sounding so cruel but if your Mum normally has no interests and lays about on the sofa why is she finding it so hard with the lockdown? Think you have to be firm and say No to a meet. Would she abide by social distancing if you were able to access and meet in her or your garden provided of course you live nearby and don't have to travel. A definite No otherwise.

Yet again I'm amazed by the harshness and lack of understanding by some people in this group. I'm actually amazed that people still ask questions or voice an opinion at all!
How is meeting her mum on a walk any different to talking to her at the bottom of the drive or garden? She's not going inside the house?
Stays 2m away?
I do that when I go out walking or into the supermarket and yes I might even chat if I see someone I know
People are losing their empathy for others in their own self righteousness.
Everyone is worried, naturally but it's often making people unkind and judgemental.
Only the OP knows her situation the best.

She is putting her short term happiness above the future health of you and your son and husband. Don't be bullied into pleasing her. Difficult, but you have to be the grown up. We are all in the same boat and it is only through us all having a bit of self restraint that we are bringing the death rate down.

wildswan16 I am surprised you told them to meet up!
That is at present against the law, different households may not meet, you cannot use playgrounds and can only go out for proper exercise.
#stayhomestaysafe

People are saying Mum is only 66,not 80,etc...I don't see what her age has got to do with anything. You can be lonely and depressed at any age. It sounds as if this lady has become overwhelmed by anxiety and isolation. We have to follow the rules but surely we can be kind about those who are struggling, without demonising them.

There must be some way of allowing Mum to ease her loneliness a little without actual physical contact. A well-distant walk in the park, a conversation through a window or from the garden gate, more chats on Skype... It must be possible to keep the family safe whilst providing Mum with a bit of extra support she clearly needs.

I’m sorry I don’t think she is depressed,she just fed up and lonely like a lot of people in lockdown.
Laying on the sofa does not mean she is depressed.

What a earth was your sister thinking of letting her stay over?
Was there manipulation there!

If so she is obviously trying the same with you,hoping your get fed up with her and give in!

Under no circumstances give in,this lockdown is for a reason,
And she is being very selfish expecting you to break it when it’s so serious.

I wouldn’t even meet her for a walk,sorry if I sound harsh,and I no it must be very difficult for you,
My mother in law was taken to a nursing home a few days before lockdown,so the only communication has been by phone. Good luck and let her stamp her feet and have her tantrum x

Cplj
The majority on here have posted positive comments please don’t let those who haven’t upset you. You asked for advice not a lecture about how to bring your son up! I’ve had three (including twins) and remember the trying times vividly I am only slightly older than your mum and miss my DC and DGC desperately but I would definitely not put any pressure on them into seeing me. My ethos is at the end of all this when hopefully we are all ok and healthy that is reward enough for the down days we all have now. Think of yourself, husband and son and don’t allow yourself to be pressured into conforming to her wishes. Explain to her it’s not that you don’t love her it’s that you want to keep everyone safe including her. It’s not forever there is a light at the end of the tunnel we just can’t see it yet.
Take care x

Right now you have the perfect excuse for NOT meeting her.

Stick to it.

Is your husband only concerned about coronavirus, or are there other reasons why he won't have your mother to stay.

Obviously, she can't come to stay with you right now.

I agree with the others who say she sounds depressed, but you probably can't get her to do anything about that.

No, the law says you can't. I am sure your mother won't cope well with a visit from police if she's already stressed.

Hi, I totally empathise with this predicament.
My mother is considerably older, lives alone and has lots of underlying health issues. She is just recovering from an infection which knocked her off her legs and all I could do was phone as I am also shielding. I did, admittedly, drive to her house one evening as she had forgotten to place the telephone receiver back in its place after speaking to her so I couldn’t get an answer. On that occasion I stood at the front door, well away from her.
It’s. all very well saying “face time her like everyone else” but my mother doesn’t even have internet connection, let alone any gadgets or the knowledge to use them.
Some people don’t appreciate the seriousness of this sort of mental health issue and not everyone feels able to seek professional help, especially during these challenging times.
I always think, “...there but for the grace of God go I” !
It’s impossible not to feel guilty. I am sole carer for my mother as my only sibling lives at the other end of the country. It seems that one person often shoulders the majority of the burden, even if it’s mainly the burden of guilt!

Don't give in to pressure or manipulation. The advice is to stay away. You may start an expectation and that will make it worse.

Hi there. Awful situation to be in but you couldn’t forgive yourself if it caused you or her or worse still your little child to get sick. My mum doesn’t like FaceTime but we do it once a week but speak 2/3 times a day. I know I’m lucky especially as she’s a very healthy and savy woman. Don’t let her make you do something you know is wrong think of the bigger picture.

Totally agree. Not just for you , but her too . Some older people just aren't getting it .

Look at fish not fist!!! Should check and read before I post

Usually, about once a week, I arrange to meet up with my daughter in the park when she takes her 10-year old for his exercise. We never come close to each other, probably at least 3 metres apart at all time, but she walks, lad runs, and I trundle (mobility scooter) round the park, admire the flowers, look at the fist and watch the birds and squirrels.
In one, particularly quiet area my daughter will sit down on a bench for 15 whilst the boy goes off for a really active run around. I sit on my scooter a goo distance from her. The 10-year old understands that he must also stay well away from me
Must say, I really look forward to these strange meet-ups and the chat we can have. Living by myself (which I thoroughly enjoy in normal times), just being able to chat in this way is so lovely.
More difficult with a 18 month old child. Perhaps you should go by yourself and have this arrangement with your Mum, but point out to her that you must remain well apart at all times, and it can only be done about once a week.
Not surprised the Mum is so depressed with everything that is happening. Have always maintained that whereas most people will survive this virus, many of those will end up with severe on-going mental health issues.

When I take my dog for a walk , I chat , at distance, to other
walkers.
When I go to the supermarket , I chat, at distance with
other shoppers, the cashdesk person, the lady in the chemist
etc
I wear a mask now when I'm out.
Sometimes it can help to imagine its you being the demanding family member and use a strategy that could
help them and safeguard yourself

This is your mother, warts and all, asking for help,
try imagining your son doing this to you in 30 years time.
Compassion shouldn't be reserved solely for those with the virus.

I can't visit my mother because I live over 300 miles away. She spent her 94th birthday on her own

Lulu16, that’s so sad. It’s really hard, isn’t it. These are difficult times.

@ Nannan2
Sounds like youre letting your child control you too! Hes 18mths just because he CAN walk/talk doesnt mean he has to! Stick him in a buggy for walk- so what if he throws a tantrum! Its what little kids do- youre his parent,you must weather the tantrum and tell him no- he needs to learn hes to do as you want,not other way round!-(trust me ive brought up 7!)

I just don't agree with any of this. I am following attachment parenting ideals and this goes against everything it promotes. No offence, but you sound very harsh - maybe bringing up 7 kids has had that effect.

Also, I do have control over my own life. It's a tricky situation and one none of us have faced.

There's mostly pretty cruel comments on here, very quick to demonize the poor woman. I feel sorry for her and many like her who are feeling so isolated and just want a bit of company. Can you talk to her and at least empathize with how she's feeling, kindness costs nothing.

It is vey difficult. I can't visit my mother because I live over 300 miles away. She spent her 94th birthday on her own. She was due to see her great grandchildren in May.
I can't see her virtually because she never had the chance to embrace technology.
However I speak on the phone every day, I send her photographs and news of the family. I let her talk about her childhood etc
It is very hard but we are finding different ways to compensate for what we would normally do.

Your mum sounds as though she is depressed, and whilst she is under 70 if she has high blood pressure then she has an underlying condition. Aside from all the family history and the 'controlling' label attached by your husband - I note that you don't say you believe that - if she is totally isolated and depressed and with high blood pressure, she needs some help. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with you making one trip with your child in your car to meet with her and keep your 2m distance and go for a walk where you can also socially-distance from others. I know the regulation is that you should not drive to a beauty spot to take your daily exercise, but if her mental health is taking a dive then this could be accepted as an essential trip. The really important thing would be for you to make it plain to her that this would be a one-off, that she could not expect to kiss or cuddle, and that you would have to restrict this to a half an hour. Let her see that you are making a huge concession and while you are with her emphasise that you should be doing regular facetime or HouseParty if she has a smart phone. You could also ask her before you make such an arrangement whether she has been in contact with her GP because her GP can signal her to the NHS volunteer force and somebody could call her regularly to befriend her during her isolation.