How do I continue living knowing contact with my family is over?

Thank you all so much for all your kind messages. I am truly touched and so very glad I shared my pain with you. I will take on board everything that you have written to me. I have already made a will but I believe I need to make some changes in view of it all. It will be hard to do but I must steel myself to do it. You're right of course and if my own family do not consider me family then they shouldn't expect to inherit from me when I am no longer there. If things greatly improve later on I can always change my will again. Thank you for giving me strength to face this. As money is tied up in my home I can't really afford to spend a lot on myself but volunteering is an excellent idea especially at the moment and is something I have done before and enjoyed immensely. No I don't have any underlying health conditions luckily. Private counselling is beyond my means once more but when this isolation is over I will take steps with my doctor's surgery and see. So many of you have suffered the same situation as myself, it seems to be a modern disease that makes the old invisible and the young totally selfish and indifferent. Thank you all so much for your wonderful messages.

I felt sad for you too Misty when I read your post. I would not waste any more time on the adults in this scenario, keep contact with your grandchildren any way you can. I would not engage in any discussion about your will with your daughter.
Spend your money on getting help with your depression and family issues and as Cherry said try to get involved in helping others who need and will be grateful for your help.
Take care

Misty I was reduced to tears when I read your post. Whatever your D (I refuse to write DD) thinks or has been made to think about past events for her to treat you in this way is, dare I say it, evil. There has been much good advice here already about how to tackle matters, eg spend your money on yourself, leave a token £1 to your D, write letters to your DGC and especially leave ones with your solicitor. Make sure your D has no possibility to be executor of your will as if she is next-of-kin she could 'fire' a n other as being executor. I know it feels like it's somehow a 'betrayal' to disinherit your D but it seems to me that she is 'disowning' you so what makes her think she has any right to own your money after you are gone. Take ownership of yourself and your own estate. She is trying to put her will against your will, her resolve against any she thinks you will have. A person's Will is called that for a reason - if you will it to happen it should happen, it is the last testement we give in life, don't make it hers.
I am very concerned that you are alone with all this. Do seek help, do seek counselling. I've had counselling in the past, it made me stronger.
Do find hobbies & support in your community. Understandably that's very difficult to do atm but there are still some options. You haven't said whether you have pre-existing medical conditions to prevent you doing one thing I am going to suggest but if it's not prohibitive you could join the Covid-19 army of volunteers and get involved in any way you can. Sometimes when we are able to help others we are also helping ourself. There are also little schemes going round atm like writing postcards to drop through the letterboxes of those who are the most vulnerable during this virus outbreak. Don't feel alone Misty there are some lovely GNs here who will provide you some support & comfort in whatever way they can. & ((hugs)) from me.

Like others, I think counselling would be a very good idea, but as Blubelle says, the waiting list is long on the NHS. If possible, try and get some privately, near me it is £50 per session and a block of 6 sessions is the usual amount offered. As regards the will, your daughter deserves absolutely nothing if she has made those dreadful remarks to you. You should definitely re-write it in favour of the grandchildren. However, if you just cannot bring yourself to disinherit your D, then split it 3 ways, D and DGC, the DGC not to get theirs until they are 25 (then hoepfully, their mother can't infulence them to give any of it to her). In the light of all this, and if you own your own house, I would definitely think about equity release (or something similar), then spend the blummin money on you! Go on holiday and see the world, buy some beautiful clothes, give some to charity, anything you want - obviously you have to factor in that you have many years left and budget accordingly - but just make sure you spend the money on you and leave them as little as possible!

Spend the money on yourself and write a will leaving the rest to the grandkids.

I am so sorry for the situation you are in.
I agree with others.I do not think your DD should inherit.I think BlueBelle is right,let the grandchildren inherit and write letters to each person involved saying why you have made this decision.Make sure the letters are with your will and with a solicitor.
Sending you love and strength?

I m so glad you ve had some good advise misty and support on here I totally understand what you are saying about it feeling all wrong not to leave your will to your child (I m taking it she’s your only child) it just feels like two wrongs don’t make a right doesn’t it and really goes against the grain and I ve never given this advice before but I don’t really think they have earned any rights by their dreadful behaviour towards you so in this case I think it is fairer to give it to their children and I also think you should write a letter to each grandchild explaining how much you love and miss them AND how much you’re ve always loved your daughter z(that’s important) telling them it has been totally against your control to see them You do not need to write a blame emotional letter but a factual one for them to be given at 21 and lodge those letters with your solicitor immediately
Now there will be huge waiting lists for counselling so if you can afford it please do consider spending some money on that it will help so much to talk to someone without the emotional baggage to get things clarified in your mind without the huge brain whirl of feelings going round and round
It also helps to write things down as you need to separate the actual from the emotional

Sending out a big virtual hug to you in this very sad situation

Sending big hugs and lots of sympathy Misty. Our adult children can be so cruel can't they? Sadly, it seems as though your daughter is modelling her father's behaviour.

In my case, I believe SIL was instrumental in turning my daughter against her family. We are sort of reconciled now - or at least she thinks we are - but she ghosted us for six months, moved without telling us her new address, got married without telling us for 18 months and, worst of all, didn't tell us about the birth of DGD1 until she was 14 months old.

Now, her father, my beloved DH of 33 years, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. The 'reconciliation' had happened previously, and DD does seem very concerned about DH, but I wonder if she feels any remorse at all. DD is wholly selfish, I am afraid, although SIL has made her more so. She is still not speaking to her sisters - I think she would like to, but they don't want to know - and has dropped all of her friends. Part of me thinks that she is in a controlling relationship, but she has been complicit in what I can only describe as the abuse of her family.

Anyway, I am not writing this to make it about me, just to say that I think you need to try to come to terms with the fact that this is not a very nice couple. Don't expect a fairytale ending - even though my DD is in touch virtually daily, the hurt and anger still go very deep, especially as I feel most anger on my DH's behalf, although he has already forgiven and moved on. His diagnosis puts things in perspective, as does this virus nightmare.

My advice is to try to be realistic and recognise that, sadly, by chasing DD and SIL, you are playing into their hands and giving them power. I don't know how old they are, but they may improve with maturity and your grandchildren are likely to want to develop a relationship with you when they are older, I have no doubt of that. This has recently happened to a friend of mine - no contact with his DD for years, but DGD is insistent on forming a relationship. My friend has also suffered from an aggressive cancer, which his DD knew about, but didn't visit him. How do you move beyond that?

You deserve better, you just need to lower your expectations of DD - at least that is my experience, if you don't expect much, you won't be disappointed. As others have said, concentrate on yourself, when things are back to normal, go on some lovely holidays etc, make new friends. Don't be dependent for your happiness on people who don't care. Build a happy fulfilling life and you will be a lively, buoyant, fun, resilient person when your DGC come to find you.

With regard to inheritance, I have three DC, so am leaving each one a one third share, to be divided with any of their children, so at least SIL and DD will only have just over 10%. But, in your shoes, I would try to spend as much as possible on myself anyway. They don't deserve it and, if there are any more remarks about inheritance, I would just tell them that you will leave them a token legacy but the rest is going to the local dogs/cats home, favourite charity, gnome in the garden etc.

Not only is this cruel for you, but also the GC. I don't know how the U.K. deals with situations, but in the States you can sue for grandparent rights. You might look into that.

I feel for you Misty22. However you have been treated badly by your daughter and I would say, spend all of your money on good things for yourself once society has recovered from COVID-19. Car, holiday whatever. Go and enjoy life. If your money is tied up in your house take out a later life mortgage on which you don’t make payments. The mortgage is repaid from your house after you pass on. Your daughter has said such a wicked thing to you and assuming all the time that she has a right to inheritance! Make sure you spend every last penny and enjoy doing so before it’s too late. Conversely, it’s not too late to meet someone new and get married. That would alter things re inheritance. Good luck.

Misty22 So sorry you have this distressung situation.
Like crazyH I too was in this situation for many years and didn't get to see my GC.
I gave up trying and got on with my own life. It is possible to get to the point where it doesn't matter so much. Many of us have done so. Counselling would be good. I found it extremely helpful. You need to concentrate on your own life now. You can be happy without them.
You can still keep contact and hope for the future although to be honest although we are talking now it will never repair the damage done by my DiL and she has only herself to blame.
Please don't stop living because of this.
Also I think I would change my will very quickly. The way your daughter talks about your money is disgusting. Please see a solicitor for advice.

A very sad state of affairs and I feel for you. Lots of good advice has been given above. You say you have two sick and elderly relatives abroad. Keep that channel open, so that you at least can focus on building other relationships, with people who can appreciate you. You definitely need something to take your mind off this painful experience.

Im going to be blunt here. I know you are hurting and hurting bad. Do not waste another minute of your life over them. You have your own life to live and you are only treated the way you LET people treat you. No one can dictate to you who or what you wish to leave your money too. If you want to leave your money to your grandchildren, then take a solicitor's advice and do that. Start living your life for you, not them. They don't sound nice people and I would not waste another minute bothering my a**. Continue your contact with your grandchildren and let the others get on with it.

Misty22 … Many people on here will understand your feelings, and will have good advice and support.

I'm so sorry you are carrying this problem, its a heavy weight.

Don't forget your money is yours.

Have you thought of using it to find some way of moving into a happier life?

Sadly, no relationship with the parent means also 0 relationship with the minor children.
Once they are 18, they can choose what to do by themselves.

Quizqueen that is such great advice. I think the idea of just giving them £1 is fantastic, what a smack in the mush. They have behaved despicably and don’t deserve the s* off your shoes!

Misty I feel so sorry for you and I am sending you love and hugs. You have been given some very good advice here and there is nothing that I can add. I certainly would make the will out to the grand children. Go along to see your GP and ask to be referred for counselling. You cannot let this ruin the rest of your life as we are only here once. This virus isn’t helping either but we will all get through this. Keep writing the letters to your grand children and if they get them, then they will remember that in the future when they are old enough to make up their own minds. It’s hard to do but just concentrate on yourself and stay safe and well. Love xx

No way would I let this despicable pair profit from an heritance and I would leave a letter in my will saying I didn't want it contested under any circumstances and that your daughter should receive nothing, or better still one pound- a better insult. Leave it all to the grandchildren to be inherited when they are at least 25, when they may have broken free from their parents' influence and see things for what they are, or to a charity of your choice....and don't feel bad about it.

So sorry you are having such a struggle Misty. This virus must seem like the last straw.

I had a friend who was treated in a similar way and her granddaughter turned up on her doorstep on her 16th birthday.

Hopefully you’ll be able to organise some counselling either through your GP or privately and it will help to clear your mind a little.

This is very sad Misty22.

I don't know how to advise you but just wanted to tell you others are reading this and there will be kind people with good advice helping you soon I am sure.

Kindest regards to you.

How sad Misty - my heart aches for you . There are many of us who have been through similar and one way or the other, have come out the other side and there are others who are going through it right now. It's past midnight and I envisage you being unable to sleep and therefore searched and found this site.
I have 3 children, and have rather a difficult relationship with one in particular. A couple of years I was cut off from one my older son and his family. His wife, for some reason did not like me, which resulted in my son saying the nastiest of things to me. The honest truth is Misty, I have chosen to block certain things from my mind and I have actually forgotten how it started.
Anyway, I persisted in attempts to see the little girl who was only. 18 months or so at the time. Finally they did allow me to see the baby and play with her for an hour.
Things have improved somewhat. I see them once every few weeks even though I live just 2 miles away. Her parents see them 2or 3 times a week.
So be patient - keep asking them to visit - and one day things will change. Good luck Misty - and good night.
P.S. I am also from a different country but have spent more of my life here.

I am so sorry to hear of your heartache Misty. I believe you have tried hard to maintain a relationship with your family. It is dragging you down mentally and physically. Would you consider counselling? This could help. Don’t let the situation ruin what life you have left. Because of your ex husband - damage has been done and it seems that your daughter is adamant about cutting ties. Try to concentrate on yourself, try to find interests and regain some joy in your life. You may find solace in your religious beliefs, supporting and befriending others to help ease your pain. I wish you well and that you find courage to go forward.

Regarding my will, I have already been advised to do what you suggest but I balk at the idea. It goes against the grain and I don't know if I can do it and live with it. It isn't as it should be to my mind and I guess two wrongs don't make a right. However it might come to that, in time. I haven't had any counselling but have considered it many times. Maybe I should try that option, when the coronavirus situation has resolved itself maybe but thank you so much for your help and support.

Being able to share this with others who will understand is a great help already. Thank you so much again for responding so quickly.

Just a thought can you make your will in favour of the two grandchildren and miss the generation who have walked away from you out of the equation