DIL disappearrs to her parents all the time

Perhaps DIL is helping her family, a parent who is unwell, elderly grandparents, siblings.
MIL does not really sound like someone she might confide in really as I am sure she is seeing everything on the side of her DS.
Just one point of view.

Like Dilly I think this sounds familiar but I cannot remember the name of OP on that occasion.

To be fair though is it really any of your business. Presume you don’t know why she goes. Surely it’s between your ds and his wife, to sort out

This is really none of your business and is not something you should be asking about or your son telling you about.

A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That's okay. That's normal. That's what parents do. But it also means that by definition, a parent is not going to be an objective third party in a child's relationship. If your son is having issues with his wife, he needs to see an objective third party (such as a licensed marriage counsellor) who can help them to figure out the issue.

My daughter comes to stay with the kids for weekends on a regular basis. I don't see any problem with your DIL staying with her parents. Not everyone wants to live in each other's pockets!

After being married I spent as much time as I could with my parents. You really don't know someone until you live with them and he made my life a complete misery. Is there any chance that your son is bullying her?

I think it's lovely that DIL has a good relationship with her DP.
I don't know if the OP has come back but lots of new parents still choose to SAH and look after their DC. That is their choice and life isn't necessarily about getting back to employment.

Not for everyone of course and most parents want to work as soon as possible and are looking for a good balance of affordable good childcare and a satisfying job to pay the bills but being a SAHP can be a career choice and not to be condemned.

No, it’s not to be condemned but it has to be agreed by both parties - one person can’t unilaterally decide they’ll stay at home while the other goes out to work full time to bring in the family income.

Has to go out to work

Childcare is expensive so would they be a great deal better off it she did work?

I admit she'd be building up her pension and possibly keeping up with things in the modern workplace but she may wish to be at home with her child and see no immediate financial reward in going out to work.

If your son doesn't mind her going to stay with her parents, what is the problem?

Perhaps they live a distance away and she can't go for just one day.

I'd say nothing in your position.

I want to help my son, yes he is not happy when she does away, her mother comes to visit her every week wt there home, so its not as she is not seeing her. The round trip every 3 weeks costs £60 plus not to mention her coffee mornings and lunches out every week when she st home. I have offered to look after DGS so she can work 2 days a week which will help their finances. DS would be happy to stay at home but I don't think she will earn anything like what he does.

Thanks for coming back on meet. My understanding of what you say is that your son isn't happy when she goes away, and you are not approving of the cost of her social life. Are they in financial difficulties?

Your dislike of her comes over very strongly.

Your son should not be doing all this moaning to you. You should be telling him it is between him and his wife.

Your DIL parents need a step back too.

Sometimes you can see the train wreck coming. Two sets of parents too involved in their children’s lives and not allowing them to grow up and be a family in their own right.

Oh dear, oh dear.....

What exactly is the problem here, is it the fact that the DIL spends so much time with her parents, or the fact that she doesn't work?
She may be finding a small child too much to handle and is glad to find respite with her mother. Many girls are not used to babies and find a demanding toddler too much for them.

If her husband is happy for her not to work, there's no problem. After all, it's only fairly recently that women were expected to continue working after marriage.
If he does want her to work, then he must be prepared to do a fair share of the housework and child-care.

Too many men want it both ways.

Very true ladymuck! The grandson is 'almost two' so maybe it's just a temporary situation until free childcare is available.

Lunches out sounds a little extravagant, though. My DIL always has coffee out after driving the kids to school, often lunches out, then orders in dinner. She's fond of telling me how difficult it is to be a mother. Luckily, my son earns well.

It's a different world. I remember the constant struggle as a widowed mother of four - just trying to make ends meet!

I think the obvious solution would be for them to move nearer her parents. But I dont think thats what you wanted to hear...

1) I think it's nice she wants to spend a lot of time with her parents.

2) It is lovely your grandchild has so much contact with grandparents.

3) Childcare is HORRIFICALLY expensive. Between £50 and £60 a day . I have friends who work with young children (because their jobs will disappear if they are off for more than a year) and their entire salary disappears into paying the nursery.

4) You say you would do the childcare, but you are so critical of her, (and being brutally frank now) she probably doesn't trust you to care for her child the way she wants it done. I know my MiL loved my child but not in a million years would I have left my daughter with her.

5) Yes, I agree with Ladymuck. He will have to crack on and do half the housework and childcare. Perhaps he should start that NOW to show her he will lighten the 'home' load if she were to work.

A man should cleave to his wife. Sad for the mothers of sons I know, but his allegiance should now be with his young family.

If they split up, he may THEN need your support.

If they lived near her parents, or even in between, there wouldnt be all the back n forthing and overnight stays.

As I said upthread, he must have known that she was in a tight knit family when he married and had a baby with her

Don't get me wrong , her not working is not a problem, its the amount of money she spends on her coffee mornings and lunches out, and obviously the cost of travel to see her family, if my son was earning a good salary it wouldn't be an issue but he is not and I can see him stressed as he is worried about the money.This is putting a strain on there marriage.
DS does help with childcare when he is home, and her mother visits every week.

The lunches are easily solved by him sitting down with his wife instead of his mummy and agreeing to split bank accounts into bill account and two individual spending money accounts.

She does not sound settled where she is. If she was living near "home" the spending (which may be to cheer herself up) may resolve anyway, and the back n forthing could stop.

Can he commute or move jobs? Would he be willing to live half way in the middle?

I have offered to look after DGS so she can work 2 days a week which will help their finances.

She wont want to get stuck into a job there is shes not feeling committed to the area.

There are not many entry level part time jobs that arent on a rota. You cant just chose your 2 days. Are you commited to doing any two days (incl early mornings, evenings, nights, weekends) at short notice.

As you are critical of her anyway she may not feel comfortable using you for childcare, as you need to have good communication with your childcare provider

Your GS would miss out on the weeks spent with his extended family if she was "stuck" to the area for work. Which would be a shame for him.

How lovely the grandparents, who live far away, get to see their grandchild on a regular basis. Isn't that what many of you complain about not happening in your lives; you can't win with you lot. I was a SAHM for many years, by choice, and I was always flitting off to spend days at my parents' house, as we had moved out of the area where we grew up for my husband's job.

My parents loved it and it meant they had a close relationship with their grandchild in the precious few years they had with her before they died. Other than travel costs, she is probably saving her husband money on heating and other utility costs, food, leisure activities etc. while she is away. If it is causing a problem in the relationship it is their business to sort out, no one else's.

Love it when people tell SAHMs they should work in the short windows when they dont have the kids.

Where are all these 9.30-2pm jobs that you can "work while the kids are in school" and the employers who will take on a newbie who wants to do every other thursday while the baby is at nans?

I work, but I had to prove my worth BEFORE I could ask to reduce my hours and chose my days. I first had to "do my time" on the crappy shifts as a newbie

Dunno what you're reading, quizqueen. I'm reading that most of us think that amount of contact is GOOD.

meet thank you for clarifying. It seems the nitty gritty is their budget, which is something they need to sort between themselves. Are they in debt? If not, to be honest, your DIL's lifestyle sounds lovely and I'm guessing she is happy in this early stage of motherhood? If they can get by, why wouldn't she want to spend as much time with her child as possible? And if she has a good close relationship with her parents that's a positive too. Far too many young parents feel pressure to keep on that treadmill to maintain a particular lifestyle and then realise that they have missed out on those wonder years of their child's life