Mother-in-law stopping by unannounced

No! They dont regard mothers as inferior to grandmas at all. The mother is number 1 always, but the grandparents are often very involved and that is fine with me. I know they are a bit anxious because they really want to see the baby often and they see her every second day sometimes 5x per week!

I actually chose to stay here because my husband has parents and my beloved mother died and I'm estranged from my dad (he's mentally ill and damages all his relationships to the point of disrepair ). Grandparents are important!!!!! Thank you for your response.

I actually just saw them out whipe walking and am always happy to see them if I'm not being disturbed unexpectedly at home. "I'll see you later today, she said"..

They are Italian, you live next to them what were you expecting ?

A family member of ours married into a Italian family ? she gets her ironing , housework cooking etc done by Nonna

Neither being unreasonable , just different cultural expectations . I can think of worse ! X

Well I feel for you . Obv like others have said it’s a cultural thing. But cultural thing or not, I think it’s bad manners to look through your windows, whether they have paid money to help you buy your house which is immaterial, yes you could be doing anything, I couldn’t handle that it would make me feel very uncomfortable indeed, those shutters would be closed. But seriously I’m sure she means well but I would be having a word and I’d explain how I felt and since it’s our home this is how things will be done, you sound as though you are being very fair to me you are seeing your in-laws regularly. No need to be nasty just firm, hopefully they will understand that things will be done your way, as you said they were so happy to see you when you went round you are not be unreasonable or selfish, you just don’t want to be smothered and want some boundaries put in place, I know I certainly wouldn’t put up with it, lol good luck x

I am a mother in law who collects grandchildren as mum goes to work. I would not dream of going into their home before the agreed time. I often wait in the car until it is time to arrive. Whilst you maybe living in a community which has a different culture to the one you are familiar with I dont think its unreasonable for some of your cultural norms and personal preferences to be respected.

im afraid you will just have to have them over for coffee or go to theirs and tell them they are a huge part of your life but you need time alone as well, maybe set out a day in the week they can come over, tell them anything your having a friend over, your meeting friends,. but explain you need time alone, and as a couple as well

Oh Naty I do feel for you. My daughter went through exactly the same thing, also in Italy, when both her daughters were born.

I sent her a copy of your post as she could have written it and this was her response ‘ Oh my goodness.....this was my life 7 years ago... .scary!!!’ I’ve asked her how she resolved the situation and will let you know if she has any advice.

A couple of years ago they moved to a bigger house, still in the same village but in a cul de sac so no one could happen to be ‘just passing’. Previously they had been on the same road as the in laws, just metres apart.

Thinking of you.

You sound absolutely lovely Naty and very understanding of your in laws' culture. I think you just need to sensitively explain how you feel and reassure MIL that she is welcome in your home but needs to check first. Otherwise you'll have to walk round naked all day until the penny drops

Sorry, but this is very much the Italian way.
When my son was born, the girl in the next bed was married to an Italian guy - her MiL thought nothing of taking the child out of her arms even mid feed when she visited . Got to the point that she had to go off to the nursery at the other end of the floor to see to her baby at visiting time!
They only do it because they care and are concerned enough to make sure you are coping and that you don't need help.
Having said that, maybe you could make up a signal for if you don't want to be disturbed? Something like closing the shutters or something - let them know that if the shutters are closed, you are in the shower, bathing the bub or having a nap and you would appreciate it if they didn't knock on the door or walk in the house. Don't forget to start off with " I love that you come round to see us but........" Also make sure that your husband repeats it as well so it doesn't look as if it's you being difficult!
In the meantime - enjoy your baby, they are lucky to be part of such a lovely caring family.

Does seem they are intruding a bit too much on your life. Isn't this the way in Italian families though? Have you asked SIL other family members if they had the same treatment. Think you will just have to keep your shutters closed a bit more or just say you find it difficult to cope with this tradition, could they make arrangements for the week ahead so that you have some sort of routine. Who will be caring for the baby when maternity leave ends? If it will be in-laws, think that is the answer to your problem.

I'm not sure that it is generational but it is a cultural thing.

Difficult but perhaps MIL will be open to suggestions and see your point of view- give her a hug after you explain and say how you love to see them but it's not always the right time.

I suppose I'm lucky. I have a key to my daughter's home and don't need to make an appointment to see her!

I too have my daighter's key but I wouldn't dream of going in if they're not there, nor do I just 'drop in', they have a busy life. I drive past quite often but if I need to visit I will still phone first. It may come of lving abroad when ours were young and not having to endure mother/mother-in-law, bliss!

I'm entirely on your side here, it's your home and your baby and you should be able to have time to yourselves, without having to worry about people just calling in, and then peering through your windows if you haven't answered the door. That is just rude and inconsiderate. I used to live on the route between my mother and my sister and used to hate my mother just popping in, without telling me she was coming and asking if it was convenient, and was very glad when I moved a lot further away. I wish you well with it.

Sounds to me like she totally accepted your reason for not opening the door and therefore it's acceptable for you to more often not come to the door. I'd get some cafe-style curtains to go along the bottom of the window so you can get light from the top but she can't see over the top to see if you're in or what you're doing. I can understand why she followed up with a call if she's not used to not getting a reply - she might have worried that you had fallen ill and with a small child no one wants to just ignore a lack of response when it was normally expected.

Another idea, since the MIL seems rather understanding, is could you have a Do Not Disturb code where if your lower curtains (that I mentioned previously) are closed, you are not feeling like company, and if open, go ahead and call in if you want.

I can't think of anything worse than having ANYONE calling in ad hoc, especially every day. You must ask your husband to speak to her. It is the Italian way. My SIL used to get home from work and eat food my DD had prepared. He put on a lot of weight in a few months. It transpired that he was obliged to visit his DM on way home who gave him a typical Italian meal. The first time he came straight home DM came round with a massive pot of pasta. Difficult.

Arrange to have an evening with them, at your house, when baby is sleeping. Your husband must be there. You need to talk this out...now, because it’ll get worse. Are they all Italian? Sorry if this has come up, but I never read other answers before I respond. It could well be a cultural thing, but they need to understand you’re serious, as it doesn’t appear they do at the moment. It also needs to come from your husband. He should be fair, but firm. It may be they haven’t clicked how much it upsets you, and they’re thinking it’s more you don’t want to be caught in an embarrassing situation, which you don’t, but it’s more serious than that. If you have to, show them this post! At least they’ll hopefully then realise how serious you are. If they love you, they’ll respect what you say and you should see changes. All the best.

Those early days are a nightmare especially when breastfeeding on demand. You are not being unreasonable, and unless they can make themselves useful by bringing a nice meal, or doing the housework whilst with you, at at time that suits you all, then tell them that you will be happy to see them more often when things settle down.

Setting boundaries doesn't work unless you enforce them. Don't let them in when you aren't prepared "sorry it's not a good time at the moment, I'll call you later and arrange a time with you". They have to learn that t they won't get what they want unless they adher to the way of doing things that makes you confirtable. This may take some time.

Naty, you have a right to your privacy and to feel your own house is your safe refuge at all times.You are the main person in your baby's life.

Believe in yourself that you can keep the shutters closed, or buy opaque blinds. Don't answer the door, telephone, or calls from outside if this is inconvenient for any reason.Unplug the phone if you want to.

Do continue be friendly and happy to see the inlaws when you do see them. I guess their behaviour is Italian custom.What I don't know is if it's Italian custom for the grandmother or grandfather to be regarded as more important in the grandchild's life than its own mother. This may be the case for all I know. If so, it's a difficult case. The main thing is for you to feel you have the right to your privacy, which right you do have.

And I'll clean my home from top to bottom for my pwn family too! I just enjoy a clean home and feel my best in it.

I don't want to tidy up just for them...but it's my nature to want to feel competent and put together around people who are not blood related. Their house is always immaculate...but they will always take me as I am...it's just me who doesn't enjoy mess when there are ppl visiting.

Yes, I call every single time! Good ideas!

Hi! The problem is there are no plans with them usually...They just drop in hoping to see the baby. If they would just call 2 minutes before coming, I'd have a way of saying "actually, right now is not a good time. Can i come over to you after her nap?" Or "sorry, I'm expecting someone. Can we try tomorrow?" Or "im having a bad day. The baby is fussy and we need to sleep/i need to bathe her"...

It is for sure a generational thing. But also circumstantial. They drop by so often because it's convenient for them and they can because we're easily accessible.

Well I certainly wouldn't tidy up in case. ....They have to take you as you are.
What about a text to say "in case you are calling I am in bed...etc" or leave a note on door "please do not disturb" or similar. Or keep not answering and saying you should have rung. And ring before you visit them every time.

Depending on their age I think it seems odd for older people to use the telephone for unimportant things.

I have family abroad and used to get worried about the cost when my DB called! I kept calls brief and he had to reassure me that he could afford to have a conversation.

Now young ones are always texting or phoning - just to check!
Why? When I make an appointment, I keep it unless there is a reason not to. I don't need to check every few minutes that the arrangement is still on. My battery isn't always charged. The phone could be switched off.

A generational thing?

But it seems like they want me to fit into their routine rather than considering whether they fit into mine
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