threatening son

I understand your concerns for your son Val05 but we are talking here about a man of 37 not a teenager. You are entitled to live in your home without feeling threatened and distressed, I too think you should get support from others in the same situation. Then it's time to tell your son he needs to get help within a reasonable time frame say 1 month otherwise he needs to look elsewhere for accommodation and you will help him with this. At present you are enabling his addiction and behaviour at the expense of your own health and happiness. I wish you well and hope you find the strength to deal with this.

Welcome Val
First of all I can totally understand how you deeply love your son and can see the dangers of what will happen to him if you throw him out but you also can’t live like this I think you and your husband need professional help to sort this muddle out

If he hasn’t always been like this then something has changed him Does he work? Or has he lost all his self confidence because he doesn’t have a job or is he working in a job that isn’t fulfilling him and making him unhappy and angry. Does he have a relationship or could that be part of the problem I am really thinking he may be telling you he takes cannabis but his behaviour sounds much more like he could be addicted to cocaine, Crystal meths or something heavy or could he be on steroids, does he go to the gym regularly? Steroids can make people very aggressive

You don’t give any details of why your son of 37 is still living at home? But I m sure this must be part of the problem he must feel very out of control and emasculated having no home of his own and having to rely on elderly parents
I don’t agree with throwing him out I think you need to get help though, as this can’t go on for any of you
Although a doctor won’t help your son if you make an appointment for yourselves he can help you and your husband and point you to professionals who can

If he hasn’t always been an angry aggressive chap (which could point to a undiagnosed) mental health condition then there is a reason which is most likely linked to hard drugs, or lack of fulfilment in job, home, or relationship

Get help Val and come back on here for support x

DH stands for dear husband and is widely used on gransnet.
Is your son working at all?

Poor you, how difficult and painful this is for you and shocking to think you have to leave your home or retreat to your rooms. I am so sorry you're going through this.

I fear it might have to come to Tough Love - getting help and support from experts in handling people with drug problems, who will assist your son out of your house and possibly into his own place or rehab.

He won't do it, that's obvious, so you will have to - for his sake as well as yours. own.
Speak to your local Mental Health Team or anyone who offers help for those with drug problems. Your son is one of thousands, so there will be agencies to help you.

If you really want to help him, this is the 'grasping the nettle' bit but some stings are bound to happen; it'll hurt but in the long run, it can only help you all.
You can't go on like this, can you?

Your GP would have to respect your son’s privacy but it wouldn’t be invaded if you just ask what options are available. I know locally there is an addiction centre where people can go daily for support. There is also support for families. Not something a lot of people would necessarily be aware of so it’s up to you to make enquiries. Perhaps you can use the computers in your library if you need to do this secretly. It really is crazy that you’re unable to take back control of your own lives. I hope you can find the strength you need to get your life and your sons back on track.

Val05…..Have you looked up any support groups?
Unfortunately this wont just end.
He is in denial about his addiction and the effects on him self and you and your husband.

You really need to speak to other people in your position to give you as much support and info as you can get.

sussexborn
That is a very good idea however I would need to find a device that he would not know about
we are realising that cannot carry on like this but I am unsure if my GP would even speak to me about him due to GDPR..
I don't want to waste any more of our lives which at times is extremely stressful and we are exhausted with it all and often retreat to our rooms to get away from it all or leave the house altogether, I just want it to end and I want him to have a fruitful life thank you for your post

Is there a way you could film or record his behaviour so that he can actually see/hear just how awful his behaviour is. I think you need to check out what support is available from your GP and local council. Their websites may be a starting point.

You can’t waste the rest of your life living with this behaviour.

Grannyactivist
Thank you for your post, your time would be greatly appreciated once you have slept well x
My son doesn't feel there is an issue and I have been blunt when telling him that I think he needs to seek medical help as his behaviour is not right, and that me and dad are getting on now and just don't need this? It is heartbreaking to watch but any suggestions I make are met with a blank, as he knows everything and I am the ridiculous one.
Not sur show long we can carry on like this, my husband and I often leave our own home to get away from his outbursts. I wish I could help and be stronger and throw him out but if anything happened to him I could never forgive myself.

mumofmadboys
Thank you for your post - not sure who DH is?
I do believe that my son has so psychological issues and we have sat down and spoke with him about his behaviour and how it is affecting us, he stops for a while but then it always carries on. Lately it is happening more often that I care to count. I think it may be more than Marijuana but I cannot clarify this as gospel. We are tired of this behaviour but afraid to let him go as I fear loosing him as his behaviour has deteriorated and I don't want anything to happen to him. I love him very much.

Val105…….I'm so sorry, this situation is so horrible for you all.
I don't actually have any experience of this type of situation, but maybe there is a support group for families or parents of adult children in your sons position?
I'm sure they could give you the benefit of their experience.

The only thing I can think of that isn't really a very good answer and can only help for a while, is to ask if you could afford to pay for him to lodge somewhere else?

Clearly that's not a long term solution or even a good one for him.
But I'm thinking of you and your husbands well being!.

Do google support groups to find out more info. Or perhaps talk to your GP?

I hope others can offer some help
Good Luck

Crossed posts!

Your son does not need to go to rehab if the only drug he uses is marijuana. It does not make you physically dependent . There may be some psychological dependency. Does he work? You need to sit down with your son and husband and you and DH need to tell him this situation cannot go on as it is affecting your mental health and your relationship maybe. Say you will review things in a month's time but if things don't improve he will need to move out. Tell him how much you love him. Maybe speak to your local drug and alcohol team and access some support for you and DH. I wish you well but do use GNet to share your problem

I'm too tired to offer much constructive advice just now, but this is a situation that I'm very familiar with professionally and my approach to families in your situation is to encourage them to seek help and support for themselves. Sometimes this is acts as a wake up call to the person who is saying they don't have a problem, but at the very least there will be people who can stand alongside and support you as you navigate your way through the difficulties.

for you - because it's flipping heartbreaking to watch isn't it?