threatening son

Vak05, I have every sympathy for you and your plight. To have a son heading for 40 and a confirmed drug user is every parent's nightmare. And the first think to say is: It is not your fault. This a is a problem that hits even the most loving and caring families.

I was discussing drugs with my son at the weekend. He says the marijuana now available is 'skunk'. It is, he says, far stronger than the drug available when he was a student and can have severe mental effects, psychosis is common and long term brain damage. As a university lecturer he has first hand knowledge from the students he teaches and those whose tutor he is.

The next thing to say is that by the time your son reaches the age of 37, there is probably little you can do to help him, however much you love him and that the time has probably come to exercise some tough love. Do not let your love for him enable him to live in comfort and remain a drug addict.

The fact that he has started threatening violence is a major bells ringing, red lights flashing, warning sign that you must take action now to protect yourself.

Start by setting some house rules. Tell him that the next time he threatens you and abuses you you will call the police. and then do so. What he is indulging in is the crime of elder abuse.

There is currently little you can now do that will help him. What you must do is protect yourselves before you become another victim in the crime statistics.

When you tell your son to leave the house(if necessary with police support (and remember to change the locks)). He may well go down hill. But he is going to do that anyway whether he goes or stays. Hopefully, being made to stand on his own two feet will accelerate his decline to the point where he finally hits rock bottom and decides to seek help.

I am sorry for being so brutal. But however much you love your son, there is nothing you can do do for him that can help, bar evicting him from your home and withholding any support you want to give. He has reached an age and condition where anything you do is merely helping him to remain an addict.

Tough love and self protection must now guide your relationship with him.

Really feel for you. It must be so hard to watch your son going down the wrong path. You could ask your GP to put you in touch with the “crisis team” in your area. I’m sure they would be able to help to point you in the right direction with someone to possibly help you in this very difficult situation. Sending you love and hugs. ?

Loislovesstewie, I agree with you about the marijuana induced psychosis. I know it doesn't by any means affect every cannabis user but if there is an underlying tendency towards a mental health problem then cannabis can make it flare up. I have a relative whose daughter was affected very badly because of heavy cannabis use which tipped her over into schizophrenia. This was the opinion of her psychiatric consultant. I would urge the original poster to try really hard to get some professional intervention, hard as it is. Much love to you.

The last post sums it up I think. Marijuana can screw your brains - it happened to the son of a friend. Police had to be called plus a doctor- her son was sectioned and taken to hospital- later transferred to the care of social services. He is still in this situation- paranoid and unable to get a job although he has studied and got some qualifications. Marijuana is incredibly dangerous- in particular for vulnerable people. It is taken so lightly but it can ruin lives. It sounds as if you have reached the last resort - it will be painful but you must do something.

Val05, I have great sympathy for your plight because our natural reaction when our children are in trouble is to want to make it all better for them but I fear you are actually prolonging the agony. I speak from experience as my brother was an addict to alcohol and drugs which eventually killed him. My parents supported him but he only made real progress when he reached rock bottom and they had distanced themselves by making him stay at his own home. They did it lovingly but by doing this but by putting more distance between them in living arrangements, it meant they found the strength to help him better because when he was living at home, they were on a knife edge which put such strain on them.
In the end, no amount of rehab was able to save my brother but we know now that he is at peace. He was bi-polar using drugs and alcohol to self-medicate which is apparently more prevalent than you would know. It can be very hard to stand firm against a person you know is basically a good person but has succumbed to a mental illness and addiction but you can only continue to help them if you are not worn out. If they are determined to self-destruct, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, you can only protect yourselves.

This made sound hard but as a person in recovery the best thing you can do is tell him to leave and make it happen. Make it clear once he stops using drugs he can come back but not until. He had no incentive to change and you are inadvertently supporting his habit. I also suggest you find a support group. There is always al-anon which whilst it helps support families of alcoholics will always help anyone whose families have addiction problems. Good luck. X

Just looked up drug induced psychosis you have a very valid point here
My job is to get him to recognise this and get some help
I will absolutely try but honestly he will say I am the mad one but Iv always felt in my heart that this is the real problem
My heart aches for him ? but we are getting tired and weary of it all x

Oh wow
The posts from the 4 readers above have upset me terribly as I do fear loosing him and I think they have confirmed what I possibly already know.
The sadness for the young man now in care and the fear that I feel about loosing him and I mean literally loosing my son in death such as the writer who lost their brother to this demon my heart goes out to you
I think this is the reason why I can’t just throw him out , he is my only son and I couldn’t bear loosing him but I am now thinking about my actions as it does look like I’m feeding his habit and not helping him really ??

Hi Val, what hell you are in,I feel so sad for you...
People keep saying he “has to go”, has to have “his own place” etc, but haven’t properly read your reply. You’ve tried that but, he gets into debt, doesn’t pay gas, water, electricity bills,so you paid his debts for him,at great expense.
If you didn’t,bailiffs are alerted, he’s chucked out, and comes back to mum, and round and round it goes.
Has anyone ever tried blocking the door to physically stop a 37 yr old from passing? One of my 6 sons is 37, he could overpower me in a flash, impossible to stop them.If they want to come in, believe me, THEY COME IN!!

So, moving on a step, looking after yourself emotionally, mentally (and physically) is VITAL right now.
PLEASE, go to your Dr, spell it all out.She may prescribe something to help reduce your anxiety. But Val, be honest with them, don’t let pride make you say “oh I’ll manage but.....” If they see you are at wits end,they are BOUND to help you!!
And, at that point,will give you proper guidance of next steps, which sounds like inpatient support .
Be strong Val, don’t let your deep ‘son-love’ exhaust you to inaction.
Sending strength and very very best wishes, to you.????????????????????????

Val, he is already badly lost.

There is hope though.

Have a think, get help, lay down your boundaries.

It is the most compassionate thing you can do.

What a difficult situation for you. I would suggest you speak to your GP for your own mental health and ask some advice around support groups for yourself. This sometimes leads into groups which your Son may be able to access. The difficulty is that your son denies there is a problem. Marijuana can cause paranoia is susceptible people and usually people say they feel chilled out, happy and lethargic. The aggressive side to his nature may be something other than his smoking and needs to be addressed not just for your sake but his. You do need him to leave your home and if you do get the Police involved they may refer him to a specialist mental health team. You need to carefully consider all options. Good luck and be brave

Lots of good advice here, so won't repeat.

Oh I truly feel for you- the hardest thing to do for a loving mum is to say 'NO' to a very unhappy and damaged child. Huge hugs and xxx. Be brave, be strong- you can't go on like this.

Monday morning please please make it the day you ask for help please please don’t leave it a moment longer get professional help please

Can I recommend that you read this book? Mum, Can You Lend Me Twenty Quid? What Drugs Did to My Family
Book by Elizabeth Burton-Phillips
It is not easy reading, but it will show how keeping your son at home is enabling him to continue with his lifestyle and it is not until you withdraw your support, that he will be able to move on. I can see that this goes against all your parenting instincts, but in this instance it may be the only way.

Well said Bluebell. Well said indeed.

I’ve dealt with this with my eldest my advice would be take him back to his own flat and tell him he’s staying there . Provide him with very basics of food and heating either pay yourself or give him Asda vouchers . Be there when he needs to talk. needs to wash his clothes etc . Do not accept the emotional blackmail , swearing , threatening etc . He gets money he spends it on weed he’s an adult he has to make choices .

A lot of what you have said here is ringing bells with me. I have an Adult Child who is loud, criticising, swearing, abusive verbally, stated facts wrong but wont accept the truth when told it, this is done with the weaker people in the family, their driving is terrifying but wont curb the speeding etc.
I dont want to scare you but one day the violence started. It was awful and heartbreaking. I have now stayed away but others are still in that situation.
I struggle to see my child through all the horrible conduct. I fear my child is not in that body anymore. I have no idea what to do apart from trying to stay away for my own safety

Yes, marijuana is not the benign drug we've been told it is, or how it was when I was young. At least the stuff here in the States is very strong, and the sellers brag how much it messes you up by giving names like Dementia and Train Wreck. And it can cause psychosis, or at very least prevent the user from ever progressing beyond his day to day existence to self-sufficiency.

Val, so much good, solid advice is offered here, but you cannot delay. I agree with BlueBelle to make Monday the day you seek professional help from your GP (there are posters in the surgeries these days with details of local support organisations/groups for families of drug users. Don't be embarrassed what your friends and neighbours think. You need all the help and support you can get, and people are generally very kind when they are aware of such situations as yours. Sending you a big hug and wishing you light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm an avid reader, but have never posted - until now.
7 years ago, my (then) 28 year old behaved in exactly the same way - but also stole from me, told me he had Parkinsons disease and completely ruined me: emotionally and financially. I drew the line one day - after he threatened me - and changed the locks. On the grapevine I heard that he was imprisoned for a year (on a separate GBH charge) behaved similarly towards friends, and eventually found himself homeless . I wrote to him every Christmas for 6 years, but never received a reply. It crucified me, but I eventually accepted it.
Fast forward to 2 months ago - he contacted me to make peace - part of the 12 steps programme, as he was actually addicted to cocaine. He has attempted suicide twice over the past 3 months, but thank God - hes still here.
I would never allow him to live with me again, but he pops in every other day or so and I feed him. I've also paid for eight counselling sessions for him, which seem to be helping him enormously.
My advice to you is - as you say - not to enable his behaviours. Be there, but make it clear that you will not tolerate his poor behaviour towards you. You cannot change others' behaviour - you can only change your own.
When he contacted me after 7 years, it was the happiest day - we are rebuilding our relationship and I desperately hope that his life will improve. I wish the same for you Val05 ... much love for his recovery, and even more so, for yours and your husband's too.

All classic signs of coke use, in my opinion.

As a mother, I can empathize with how torn and worried you are for what you're going through. I agree that asking your son to leave could put him in serious jeopardy. Your son's aggressive behavior is a cry for help because he's no longer able to help himself!

In reading many of these posts, it's also clear that your son needs more help than you and DH alone are able to provide.

For the sake of your own physical health and emotional sanity, please reach out to your GP and ask him/her to recommend a good, competent family therapist. If your son is reluctant, perhaps a close family member, friend or Pastor would be willing to intervene.

Hugs and prayers for you and your family

I am so sorry your family is suffering so much

Your son needs to hit rock bottom to make changes and it will not happen if you keep rescuing him from his bad decisions.

Boundaries and tough love are needed.
He should try to find a job and move out within a month. If no job, he has to move out anyway.

He will land on his feet.
He will find a way to adult if you do not give him a roof over his head, food, laundry, etc.
He will be ok.

Val my heart breaks for you. You have tried so hard to do the right thing and it’s only now, when you’ve reached rock bottom, that you have to try something different. I agree with others that you, with the best will in the world, are enabling him in his addiction so something has got to change.
Please take Bluebelle’s advice and get some help - make Monday the day. We all want to support you so come back when you need to.
Sending love and so many good wishes. Xx

It sounds as if you and your husband have become victims of your son's coersive control, a criminal offense since 2015. Perhaps a 30 minute free appointment with a solicitor might be useful to find out what steps you can take.
It is a wretched situation for you. I wish you well.