Loyalty

Hi Smedleyswife I am so sorry to hear your situation. It rings bells for me - I was in a very controlling and manipulative relationship for 25 years, before I finally snapped and ended it. He would twist things so it was against me if ever I said anything against him - well you do it, even if I didn't. It is attacking as a form of defence. I would also ask though why you don't have any other friends? My XH also stopped me from seeing other people - he did it very gradually and seemingly at the time caring about me - he would say things like "you don't want to see soandso because they say this about you" or "you know they upset you" and tell tales about them so that I wouldn't want to see them. I was often discouraged from seeing family as well, and got to the point where I was very isolated. When we split up he also tried to turn a lot of my family against me. Later on I found out he had told friends and family that I didn't want to see them, or had an issue with them. He also used to put me down in other ways - "get your hair cut" or "you look terrible in that" and I eventually realised he didn't want me to be me and he didn't want others to be attracted to me - it was his insecurities that caused that not mine. It took me a long time to see it, and in fact it was only when I was hospitalised for a long time and could finally think for myself that I realised the full extent of what was going on. Day to day it just creeps up on you. I am therefore concerned that your isolation is because of his control or his wishes to control who you see or what you do. I wonder if this issue is just one part of his controlling - that he wants the upper hand by blaming you for being like that. Good luck with it all, it isn't easy and families and relationships are so complicated.

Go to marriage therapy.

It’s a classic manoeuvre to deflect the issue away from himself, often just to allow the situation to move on, it never works. I suggest you do move on.. relax and put it behind you both.

Hi Smedleyswife my pennorth is that he humiliated you in front of your son and his wife. This isn’t on. This is serious bad behaviour.
I don’t know in front of whom you were supposed to have spoken badly of him? It’s a subtle one but you know it he has overstepped the line.
Be clear in your mind about this and, if you can, try and get it through to him that such behaviour is totally out of order. And that you will agree that you will not publically humiliate the other.
It is behaviour that makes my blood run cold. I have only experienced it vicariously and it was always a very bad sign. It might seem slight but it is unforgivable if it goes from teasing banter to embarrassing put downs. We all know the difference. One is done with love the other is not. More to do with power. He probably feels his power is threatened vis a vis your son. Very difficult and upsetting for you. Good luck in getting through to him and getting an apology best done with him praising you with love in front of your son and his wife.

Manipulation, coercive control. A standard male technique for keeping women in line. Suggest you withdraw some of your 'services' until he finds his manners.

Well observed specki4eyes!

You have threatened to leave him and he's 'fine with that' then do it because clearly his indifference says it all on how he actually feels about you. Don't waste anymore of your life on this man even though you say you adore him. My mum used to say the better you treat a man/woman the worse he/she will treat you and throughout my life I saw examples of this with friends and relatives.

Sorry but someone who can't recognise when they have behaved inappropriately and apologise once they're told that they have hurt someone else isn't on the level. Deflecting attention by criticising you is gaslighting - causing you to doubt yourself, especially by dragging a much loved child into this, doubles the hurt. Don't waste your time responding to his nonsense by trying to make sense of it. Next time, respond at the time and quietly tell him that what he said hurt your feelings and embarassed you and then walk away so you can't get drawn into a nasty situation. You'be both made your feelings plain only you have done so in a civilised and courteous fashion. Go to youtube and search for 'how to deal with a narcissist'. Doesn't call your feelings into question, just means you will feel empowered. His behaviour robbed you of that - take it back!!

Ignore him and get out fast. He's a 24 carat gold narcissist. His behaviour is called gaslighting. .Google it.

Dont sweat the small stuff. This is not worth the drama you're giving it. Let it go, move on. Dont make marriage such hard work.

I agree with Nansnet all relationships have their ups and downs some more upsetting than others. You sound as if your mood is quite low smedley'swife maybe you need to get some help with this, you have some problems with your family as well which doesn't help. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, work together on resolving this now or things will only get worse. Good luck.

I totally agree with what others have said. You say you love your husband, and he says he loves you. This really isn't worth ruining a good marriage over. I've often spoken to my husband rudely, and he to me, especially when one of us has been angry, or upset, about something. Neither of us are perfect, or proud of the fact, but once we have calmed down we apologise, and all is forgotten. Relationships can't be a bed of roses all the time. As long as you can talk to each other openly, explain what's upset you, and apologise, that should be the end of it. Don't let this swell up inside of you, because that's when things get taken out of context and begin to seem far worse than they actually are.

Sorry, but I think you are being too dramatic.

In a nutshell; he spoke rudely to you, when you confronted him, he countered that you have spoken rudely to him in the past. Now you feel the rug has been pulled out from under you and you can't go on?

You need to sit down and have an honest conversation. Sometimes things are said either flippantly or in jest and can be taken to heart but were not said in true bad faith. It sounds like he got defensive when you were angry with him. I'm not taking his side in this since I do not know what was said, or in what circumstance, but I know my hubby and I have hurt one another's feelings often in the past and hashed it out afterwards when we were cooled down a bit.

And as for it being your daughter who in the past said you were rude to him...you have been together with him for 20 years, so I imagine your daughter was a teenager at some point during the relationship. I can well imagine my daughter rolling her eyes and saying 'well isn't mum awful?' when I was out of the room. Nothing to take too seriously in my opinion.

Please take some time to cool down, then talk.

It's for him to tell you if you speak badly to him, and to tell you what he would prefer.

Perhaps he was bluffing as was ashamed of his rudeness.

Just a storm in a teacup, tit for tat and a little tiff in my book. Why not say sorry and maybe he can, then you can make up? Everyone has occasional rows don't they? You could both agree to speak nicely to each other - at least in company!

I think he was using it to indicate I’m not perfect and I know I’m not but I’m trying all of the time to be the nicest person I can. I have poor self esteem following a awful childhood and abusive first marriage. I love this guy he has a lot of good points but I’m really struggling.

Thank you so much for your advice. I’ve been a member for 6 years, it’s amazing to know support is here.

Before you dive in thinking it was your daughter, remember you have said he has a history of lying.
Are you sure he is telling the truth now?

If it was your daughter, she said what...….that you spoke badly to your husband, which he is suggesting made him speak badly to you?
Have I got it right?

Perhaps you should sleep on it if you can, and try to make sense of it all after things have died down a little

I’m 61 and thought I had the perfect life, the rugs been pulled from under me,

Apparently not so much drink, that was my first question

He’s excuse is we’re none of us perfect but I feel he’s kept a secret from me until the time it would cause the most hurt and I always thought he would have my back x

Is it possible your daughter did say it when she had been drinking?

I’m assertive so challenge or ignore it but it’s hit a nerve this time.

I adore my grandchildren and they adore us, I do all of the cooking and most of the housework type stuff but L does bins, grass etc. I thought we were a good team but he can be quite controlling

He has just said it was my daughter - so he would protect her over me. I think it just got a whole lot worse. I love my daughter who left her husband of 8 months for a pilot 21years older than her. That was 10 years ago, he’s a chauvinist, overweight, lazy around the house but has money to burn and they have the lifestyle. She lies about seeing her father ( who I think she should have a relationship with) wears clothes for an 18 year old (short shorts and she’s 37) and drinks more than is good for her. She has been known to bite and argue with the partner (he won’t marry her) after drink and consequently we no longer stay over. She’s very kind and generous and a good mum so not all bad. You’re probably reading this and thinking what a dysfunctional lot and you’re probably right.

Just read your last post. I'm so sorry you are feeling so low.
These things are very hurtful, and it's still in flux until you get more understanding or information from your husband about what he really wants.