Help with MIL

Good Mama Your name is deceiving ,what a horrible piece you wrote. I feel you must be a very unhappy person I feel sorry for you. People who say that it is the husbands duty to deal with his Mother I completely agree with, My in laws had several children and grandchildren were not a big thing for them I luckily had parents who thought the world of my children and only offered advice when asked for it. PS I have just read your second post unbelievable. Do you have any friends.

He has talked to his parents in the past and nothing changes.

I think this says it all. At most I think the 2 of you sitting your in-laws down and saying that you will not tolerate the continual undermining might make a difference but I doubt it. If your DH has been really forthright in the past and it hasn't made a difference, I suspect nothing will.
I do not make a case for no contact within families because I think kids deserve to know who their families are but I would keep contact to a minimum and only when you are around. If your in-laws are happy to undermine you in front of you, what will they say to the kids as they get older? That negativity is really damaging.
I know the cake was really important to you but really, in my mind, that is quite minor in the scheme of things. Denigrating your choices as parents is a far greater worry. Quietly and firmly make it absolutely clear to them that you will not stand for it, that THEY are damaging their future relationships with their son, you and their Grandchildren so it is in THEIR hands to avoid this.

grannygranby it’s rude as hell to suggest that OP Has postnatal depression because her mother in law is being an overbearing cow.

God forbid a DIL have emotions and feelings. Let’s just chalk it up to “hormones”. Can’t let a woman have real feelings. Apparently only Mothers of sons are allowed feelings without being branded as “hormonal”.

Come on women, do better for future generations. Women are allowed feelings, and allowed to ensure they are treated well.

I understand how you feel but as a Grandparent who doesn’t get to see her grandchildren I always arrive with gifts. I can see how arriving with loads of gifts may seem but I agree with young feet need good leather shoes are better and natural fibres a good too. They must realise you do not have their income and want to help not realising it is coming across as patronising? I can see how it seems she is swooping in and taking over but on the other hand she has to pack a lot into 10 days. I can see both sides here you are feeling left out after a few days so how do they feel missing out on months and months of being with their grandchildren. It is difficult would it be possible to talk to them about it, for the expensive gifts you could always put them on eBay? Good luck x

Nmmai I do so agree with the posters who suggest this is your husbands problem. I honestly believe that if I were in your place my late husband would never have expected me to host his parents when I had babies. Too much work unless they want to look after you all as my parents would have . They are apparently not hard up so I cannot see why they have to stay with you. With regard to the gifts I would accept them. We were not very well off when we got first house and children.but were fortunate enough to do well later on. Helped our children all we could finacially but never interferred with upbringing unless asked for advice. Good Luck as someone else said luckily they dont live near.

I would try to find a middle ground between telling my MIL to back off and respect your decisions and letting her rule the roost.

They live far away, and unless they are intending to move back to the same country as you are in, I would just accept their gifts gracefully, use them while they are there, then pass them on to others.

However as it upsets your child to be put to bed by his gran, insist that you do so, but invite her to watch. Likewise insist on him having his usual naps, as getting overtired isn't good for any child.

Suggest politely, that they might want to sit in the garden, go for a walk or take a nap themselves while the wee ones are sleeping in the afternoon.

If they don't take the hint, try to get your husband to talk to them, they are his parents after all. Knowing men, he will run a mile rather than tackle his mother!

Once they have gone home, relax then in a month or so, tell your husband that you find it difficult knowing what to do for the best when his parents are visiting and ask his opinion.

I doubt you are risking divorce by making your feelings known, as long as you do so calmly and politely.

What happens when your parents visit? I hope you have family that comes too.

I am sorry for Nmm, who has recently given birth and probably is suffering from hormonal problems. It is never easy having visitors at such a time even for such a short period. Don't get mad . the MIL probably thinks she is being kind and generous, and she is, actually.

See the woman for what she is - a loving Grandma who wants to spoil her grandchildren, knowing full well that she will not figure much in their lives. The last thing she wants is to upset her daughter in law and not be welcome
in future. One day Nmm you will be a grqandmother yourself and you may put your foot in it without intending to.

My goodness, you have my sympathy! Having two babies to take care of and a bossy mother-in-law staying in your home. If they are reasonably wealthy then a hotel is the best place for them to spend a ten day visit. I’m appalled that your mil thinks it is okay to impose herself on you and expect to have everything done her way. Respect is earned and should not just be expected - her behaviour doesn’t warrant this. Personally, I would thank her for the gifts and say, “how kind, but you shouldn’t have...”. Speak to your husband after they have left and explain that you have struggled to be civil with his parents and perhaps any further visits should be made when he can take time off work and, due to lack of privacy, a hotel may suit everyone better. Good luck to you! ?

So this is going on for a month per year - two weeks x 2. In which case you do need to quietly and firmly insist on what you know to be best for both of your children. You decide, they are yours. I would also stop doing their washing and waiting on them. Ask for help - eg. could you sort the dishes while I put the baby to bed or whatever you feel appropriate. Sorry, don't have time to do the laundry, but I know you know where the machine is so feel free. Be friendly, be firm and make sure your husband is on your side. Regarding the cake - say you want to start new traditions so will be baking this and all following cakes. The alternative is to cut short the visits - one week - is sufficient. There's a saying that visitors and fish start to stink after 3 days!

This is all about your MiL spoiling your first son. Do you think she is doing this so that he won't feel left out now that you have a second baby, while he is, himself, still a baby? You need to make it clear that now you are a family of four if they seem to be leaving the baby out of things.
As for the shoes, I'd take her out to the shoe shop with the child and make sure she has his feet properly measured. I would not have let anyone buy shoes for my children without proper fitting. I agree that it's best to have real leather, but I found that little canvas sandals worked well in summer weather. Is your son walking? That makes a difference. If he isn't, does he really need shoes ye?

By the time you have read through all this gobbledygook, the ten days will be up.
Well said, moobox.

summerlove I am in agreement with you. am horrified by the number of replies telling OP to suck it up or similar.
why should she?

pinkquartz because she’s not old enough to know her own opinion apparently.

As I saw her on another thread the other day, “one of the perks of getting older is you are allowed to say no.” Apparently OP hasn’t hit that magical age because she’s not yet a grandmother.

Tbh she's probably only trying to take the pressure of you as you have a new born along with your 1 yo...They are only visiting for 10 days so make use of them! If they want to buy expensive shoes that will only last a few weeks before they get too small let them...life is too short to get upset

They are treating your place like a hotel, and you like a maid and this is not acceptable. You now know for next time so when they want to come and see you all, suggest to your husband he asks them to book a hotel. Also don't allow him to be at work whilst they visit, and say if he cannot take time off, then you won't host them on your own. Regarding the clothes, so what!! it's no biggie. The shoes - they can't get his size so you need to get the receipt and take him to be properly fitted. The cake? That's not on, she has overstepped the mark but forgive her this time because you know you won't allow it to happen again. The sheets, so what? At least they'll take them home to wash. The attitude of them being better than you. I'm afraid some gp come across like that because of years of experience combined with lack of thought about you. Remember this is their first exp of being a gp and it's as new as your feeling as a new mum. Everyone's learning how to be. So cut them some slack. Your husband needs to take some responsibility for this situation so let off steam to him, he bloody deserves to know how you feel. But my best advice to you today is to write them a thank you note for the things they brought, and show them youre the better person. One day you'll be glad of them and remember they are your children's gp, so don't cut them out of your kids life. Good luck

Perhaps the grans have lived through worse times and see the sense in playing down the histrionics.
Rather than pandering to the crowd pleasing need some have, of looking for something to fight about?

For everyone saying that life is too short, and she is your husband’s mother, and you should indulge her, is anyone saying this to the mother-in-law? Life is too short she is your sons wife, indulge her?

I am seriously questioning why everyone thinks the daughter-in-law needs to bend more than she has, and the mother-in-law should be treated with kid gloves and over indulged?

Seriously, I would love to hear the answers to this. Especially if the answer isnt “she’s old and might die soon”.

GoodMama - you are a nasty nasty woman. Please god I never get a daughter in law like you. What horrible, spiteful, viscous advice and comments. Just wow ?

By the time you have read through all this gobbledygook, the ten days will be up.

I thought that too, something to keep the OP going in the meantime, moobox!!

Be firm about his routines
Make him your own cake as well
Accept the gifts graciously
It’s your house, your rules. No need to involve your husband, stand up for yourself, be firm but polite ?

Oh and don’t do their laundry ?WTAF!

I think if your in-laws read this thread, they would be absolutely astonished - they probably think they're being kind, generous and helpful!

I'll bet that they have no idea that bringing gifts for the children would upset you so or make you feel inadequate or judged or that trying to help with the children is upsetting the routine - unless they are told about this.

Do they just hand their washing to you to do or are they leaving it in the laundry room intending to do it themselves?
Do they live in a mess at home and leaving stuff around is quite normal to them?
Has she forgotten what it's like to have a new baby and can only remember the nice things like making cakes? (actually, I would have been eternally grateful if someone had offered to bake my DC's birthday cakes!)

I think the problem is a lack of communication on both sides which needs to be sorted out with your DH before you see them again.

Good luck.

Don’t say anything to MIL, just make the cake you want to make for your son and at the celebration bring out your cake followed by your DH carrying his mother’s cake. As for the gifts and leather shoes - I would gladly buy these for my GCs if DS or DD could not afford, and confess a nostalgia for the traditional items I tried to afford as a single parent - it was the way I was brought up by parents for whom it must have been a terrible struggle - the first new suit my Dad had after his wedding suit, was for my wedding! His mantra was that if you don’t have a great deal of money you cannot afford to buy cheap, so buy the best you can afford and choose your priorities carefully.

It is probably an accumulation of frustrations with your MIL that has brought you to this pass but can you not take pleasure in the advantages she is trying to offer your son? I told DS and DD that I could offer advice on upbringing, but it would probably be outdated, so the best thing to do is listen, read, find out as much info as possible and then go with their instincts as to what was best for their child. Good luck x

I don't think that your summary of the posts on this thread is accurate Summerlove. Who has suggested that the OP should bend more, treat her m.i.l. with kid gloves and over indulge her?

You'd like answers especially if they aren't "she's old and might die soon"what a horrible thing to say.

They're there for 10 days. Probably seems a lot longer for the OP but it's only 10 days and they only get to see their GC twice a year.

Is the GM's interference acceptable? No it isn't but talk of divorce or going non contact is outrageous. Is it any wonder that there are so many parents and GP's being cut out of their AC'c and GC's lives.

It's right that the OP's feelings be taken into account by her in laws and right that their's are taken into account too. Buying expensive gifts for GC isn't a crime is it? Many parents of young children would I'm sure be grateful for any assistance they can get.

Baking the child's first birthday cake; no but the OP made her own and could have thanked her m.i.l. for the offer but made it clear that her cake wasn't needed as she'd made her own.

When we're initially confronted with behaviour that we find unacceptable that is the time to deal with it. Firmly but politely as pointed out by bugbabe and why involve her husband.

If the OP addresses these issues with her m.i.l. and is ignored or worse berated, that is the time to involve her husband and not before.

There seems to be a desire from some to cause a rift in this family, to come between the OP and her m.i.l. and even more worrying between the OP's H and his mother.