Help with MIL

I am sorry for Nmm, who has recently given birth and probably is suffering from hormonal problems. It is never easy having visitors at such a time even for such a short period. Don't get mad . the MIL probably thinks she is being kind and generous, and she is, actually.

See the woman for what she is - a loving Grandma who wants to spoil her grandchildren, knowing full well that she will not figure much in their lives. The last thing she wants is to upset her daughter in law and not be welcome
in future. One day Nmm you will be a grqandmother yourself and you may put your foot in it without intending to.

I would try to find a middle ground between telling my MIL to back off and respect your decisions and letting her rule the roost.

They live far away, and unless they are intending to move back to the same country as you are in, I would just accept their gifts gracefully, use them while they are there, then pass them on to others.

However as it upsets your child to be put to bed by his gran, insist that you do so, but invite her to watch. Likewise insist on him having his usual naps, as getting overtired isn't good for any child.

Suggest politely, that they might want to sit in the garden, go for a walk or take a nap themselves while the wee ones are sleeping in the afternoon.

If they don't take the hint, try to get your husband to talk to them, they are his parents after all. Knowing men, he will run a mile rather than tackle his mother!

Once they have gone home, relax then in a month or so, tell your husband that you find it difficult knowing what to do for the best when his parents are visiting and ask his opinion.

I doubt you are risking divorce by making your feelings known, as long as you do so calmly and politely.

What happens when your parents visit? I hope you have family that comes too.

Nmmai I do so agree with the posters who suggest this is your husbands problem. I honestly believe that if I were in your place my late husband would never have expected me to host his parents when I had babies. Too much work unless they want to look after you all as my parents would have . They are apparently not hard up so I cannot see why they have to stay with you. With regard to the gifts I would accept them. We were not very well off when we got first house and children.but were fortunate enough to do well later on. Helped our children all we could finacially but never interferred with upbringing unless asked for advice. Good Luck as someone else said luckily they dont live near.

I understand how you feel but as a Grandparent who doesn’t get to see her grandchildren I always arrive with gifts. I can see how arriving with loads of gifts may seem but I agree with young feet need good leather shoes are better and natural fibres a good too. They must realise you do not have their income and want to help not realising it is coming across as patronising? I can see how it seems she is swooping in and taking over but on the other hand she has to pack a lot into 10 days. I can see both sides here you are feeling left out after a few days so how do they feel missing out on months and months of being with their grandchildren. It is difficult would it be possible to talk to them about it, for the expensive gifts you could always put them on eBay? Good luck x

God forbid a DIL have emotions and feelings. Let’s just chalk it up to “hormones”. Can’t let a woman have real feelings. Apparently only Mothers of sons are allowed feelings without being branded as “hormonal”.

Come on women, do better for future generations. Women are allowed feelings, and allowed to ensure they are treated well.

grannygranby it’s rude as hell to suggest that OP Has postnatal depression because her mother in law is being an overbearing cow.

He has talked to his parents in the past and nothing changes.

I think this says it all. At most I think the 2 of you sitting your in-laws down and saying that you will not tolerate the continual undermining might make a difference but I doubt it. If your DH has been really forthright in the past and it hasn't made a difference, I suspect nothing will.
I do not make a case for no contact within families because I think kids deserve to know who their families are but I would keep contact to a minimum and only when you are around. If your in-laws are happy to undermine you in front of you, what will they say to the kids as they get older? That negativity is really damaging.
I know the cake was really important to you but really, in my mind, that is quite minor in the scheme of things. Denigrating your choices as parents is a far greater worry. Quietly and firmly make it absolutely clear to them that you will not stand for it, that THEY are damaging their future relationships with their son, you and their Grandchildren so it is in THEIR hands to avoid this.

Good Mama Your name is deceiving ,what a horrible piece you wrote. I feel you must be a very unhappy person I feel sorry for you. People who say that it is the husbands duty to deal with his Mother I completely agree with, My in laws had several children and grandchildren were not a big thing for them I luckily had parents who thought the world of my children and only offered advice when asked for it. PS I have just read your second post unbelievable. Do you have any friends.

You have two issues here I htink.
Accept the gifts, they all sound really lovely in fact, but
do not allow the MIL to take over.
She is not his mum you are.
I don't think you should grit your teeth on this at all.
Stand firm you are the mum. As you said she has had her turn now it is yours.
When the children are older you can let her spend more time with them but not now.
Do not let yourself be bullied just because they are well off. It is irrelevant to the real issue which is her taking over your place. You are mum.

I don't know why your DH is not supporting you?
Welcome the gifts but do not let her take over.

get a grip - dont forget you have it all! perhaps you have a bit of PN depression. Really let them enjoy their grandchild for ten days. Be gracious it will come back to you. They are being a bit disrespectful...but you need a kick up your bum - tell them that although you can see that they know a lot more than you they are making you feel inadequate--and that's not a good feeling. With people who think they know it all that will calmly put them in their place. Nobody knows it all...they know they have this small window of inflence ...you could let them. Really you have it all. Be superior. Don't even involve your husband. Its bootstrap time to grow into your position. You can do it.

Your in-laws need to understand they are not the parents of your child.

If you don’t want the things, donate them.

If you don’t want her making the cake, you need to tell her that.

You are in control of your house, and you are not your mother-in-law’s child. Her traditions aren’t yours.

When somebody stays in your house, they need to respect the rules of your house.

With regards to the cake, I love cake. I’d let her make it, but only AFTER the birthday. It can be eaten later. No candle.

I’m not surprised at all of the people telling you that you need to bow down and be subservient to your mother-in-law. It’s a definite class of the generations, but you are not out, and you don’t need to lower yourself. There is compromise to be had, but compromise needs to come from both ends. Not just yours.

If I were a betting woman, Id bet that your in-laws staying with you for a month was already a compromise on your part that they will never see it because they do not need to know the inner workings of your marriage and your internal compromises

I speak as a father, gd and ggd. It is up to your husband to put his parent's in their place and support you in your role as his spouse and mother of his child. He may think it is a fuss over little, but it is not and the least you deserve is his understanding and action. Best of luck.

I really feel for you.
Thank the Lord for my lovely DiLs who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread& my DH was very lucky to have me!
Always happy to look after the children for us & never ever interfered. I thought then & I know now how very lucky I was to have them.
I totally model myself on my MiL now I have 2 Dils of my own & we have never had even the slightest disagreement- I look on it that they are the mums now & their word is law!

Oh Nmmaikra I totally, totally get where you are coming from. (Even though I hate plastic toys, and wetwipes, with a vengeance!)

You've got your least favourite people staying in your house, they clearly have NO idea how to be useful grandparents, you have two tiny children they are NOT helping with, and it's a heatwave.

You are NBU to feel irritated beyond belief.

Make yourself a chart on a piece of paper tonight divided into squares, one square for each hour to go before they leave. Cross each one off as it passes. Or get one of those countdown apps on your phone and sneakily take a peek at it whenever you feel extra irritated. THEY WILL SOON BE GONE! and you will have your lovely little ones all to yourself again.

My children are all grown up now and I still find my MIL deeply annoying because of so many memories of her trying to impose her views, lifestyle etc on them; all the light-hearted "comments" which I could not but feel were a criticism of me somehow. But looking back, you know what? she didn't mean any harm, and she certainly didn't do any harm because I didn't LET her. I just carried on doing things my way.

Your in-laws are just the most interfering so-and-sos I've ever heard of, trying to re-write your rules for heaven's sake. Bringing their own bedsheets? What's that all about?

The worst thing about them is their inability to respect your role and your parenting rules - especially about skipping naps. You are 100% right. This is very irresponsible of them. I'm a baby and child sleep consultant and we see this a lot.

Tell them that your toddler MUST be allowed to have naps when YOU say so because otherwise his cortisol levels rise as he tries to fight sleep, and he will be difficult to put to bed. Point out that on the days they kept him awake he had bad nights. Say "this is how WE are parenting our child" (Are they American? Americans love using words like "parent" as verbs. Americans are also the world leaders in single-use plastic by the way)

Don't divorce over a 10 day stay. It's not much time in the year for your DH to see his own parents, really, is it? Just take a deep breath and count the hours.

She's only here for a few days. Yes, it's always annoying to have someone living in our house, but I think you're being oversensitive here. She's a mother and a grandmother and just thinks she's done it all before and knows best. She doesn't. Things change. I see you made a cake as well? That's good. Grit your teeth. She'll be gone soon.

Wow! I have read every single one of these posts and I would suggest you listen to brownflopsy. Sounds like some of these grans - mothers of sons? - think ‘suck it up’ is what their DILs should do. I’m mother of a son and I feel left out when compared with her mother’s involvement. Perhaps that’s how your MIL feels and she is going OTT to ensure involvement in her GCs’ lives. Having said that, she is certainly going about it the wrong way.

GoodMama get a grip. Your attitude in unhelpful.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

For future visits perhaps your husband can take a little bit of his annual leave, to take the stress out of it for you and spend more time with his parents. I wouldn't worry too much about the birthday cake as children so young don't even understand what a birthday is about. You can always have another cake that you have made after they have gone with another celebration with friends. If their future visits each year are going to coincide with your children's birthdays then I would be firm and tell MiL that you are starting your own family birthday traditions and you want your children to remember them in your own way. If she always did this for her son's childhood birthdays then she should understand that is your prerogative to do things the way you and your husband want for yours. I would bite my tongue regarding the comments she makes and the lectures she gives and just accept the gifts with good grace, it's not worth causing friction over it and they will soon be going home.

I know exactly how you feel . I lived abroad and my in laws used to come and stay for 3 months . She would say cuddling my children would spoil them . Open up the house a let in all the heat , rather than keep i shut down to keep it cool . Then complain she was to hot . Complain about the food and was given but never went to the super market , to do a shop or even cook a meal . In the end we had to say if you don't like the way we live our life , maybe you should stay some where else when you visit . My children now grown up tolerate there grandparents but have little respect for there views .

So, they see their grandchildren for 10 days a year?

Indulge them.

It's understandable that you feel the way you do but it is only for 10 days so look forward to the day they're leaving and you'll be left in peace.

They are your children and it's up to you to set boundaries, you did so last night which shows you can do so and that when you do, your wishes are treated with the respect they deserve.

IMO your posts are over the top Goodmama and could cause more problems rather than help to deal with the ones that are already there.

The OP's m.i.l. is not a terrible woman who needs to be baby sat by her own son. She's over enthusiastic and yes, insensitive to her d.i.l's. feelings no doubt due to the fact that they live abroad and don't get to see the GC that often.

"His mother may well come between you for a while"; really!! The OP's to tell her H never to leave her alone with his mother!! And if that's not bad enough, if things don't change they could end up getting divorced or going no contact with the OP's m.i.l.

This is some of your advice to the OP who despite her frustration is looking for ways to manage her relationship with her m.i.l.; not destroy it and potentially destroy her marriage as well.

Jenpax of course I think it means.

By the time you have read through all this gobbledygook, the ten days will be up. Grin and bear it on this occasion, then sift out the sensible suggestions for changes for next time some useful ones have been made, but it will take some sifting out as well from all the rubbish on here). The babies will recover, but try and be the bigger person and not harbour a dislike of your in laws. You could carry on believing they are the only ones being selfish, despising everything they provide for the grandchildren, and resenting your husband for going out to work, but that just furthers a blame culture. Aim to make some plans for the future, together with your husband, that include them as welcome grandparents, albeit with some changes. Obviously you do not wish to ruin the relationship between them and your little family, so think positively.

Is your husband standing up to her in front of you? My MIL was very patronizing, stuck up and disappointed at her beloved son's choice of wife. But he would always just say, "don't say anything or she'll get upset". So she went on to gradually destroy our marriage. If he's not sticking up for you, then you must let her know in no uncertain terms how her behaviour is unacceptable. Good luck and Happy Birthday to your little one.