I am realising I am very antisocial, and I don't want to be.

Surely over the years all of us have learnt what social situations we enjoy and which we don't. Some people are party people and enjoy larger groups and meeting lots of people. Others prefer much smaller groups and our social lives are organised around our preferences.

But all of us at sometime or another have to take part in social occasions that we do not really enjoy and we learn to be polite and play a part. I am among those who prefer to socialise on a one to one basis but am quite happy with slightly larger groupings, but avoid large groups like the plague and I rarely socialised with people I worked with, but I did always show up for the Christmas lunch and certain official work events, where my absence might give rise to raised eyebrows and comment and when attending these events I was polite and pleasant and did not spend the evening sitting in a corner sulking or being rude to people. Yes, I might have been bored, but worse things can happen in life.

We cannot have everything all our own way all the time and society works because people at times restrain themselves and say the 'right' thing, or say nothing at all in service of keeping the wheels of life well oiled.

I think at some level you are bothered by this, or you wouldn't be asking for advice. Why don't you sit and have a really honest conversation with your husband.
some things to ponder:
Why go on holidays with other people? Is it for your husband's sake, and if so, how does he feel about your behaviour? Would you be happy in smaller, more intimate groups? Could you be ok with the idea that your husband go on group holidays with others, but you only join them for a few days?

As for changing your behaviour, perhaps we could all use a little self-improvement. Take some time occasionally to review your interactions with others. You may unknowingly be short or rude to people you come in contact with on a daily basis; co-workers, shop assistants, etc. Ask your husband or other close family member to be honest with you. I think we sometimes overlook behaviour of ourselves and those we have been in contact with for a long time. If your behaviour is at all embarrassing to your husband, then your should work to improve it.

I just saw a saying "It's harder to be kind than clever."

I think the guy talking rudely about his wife was wrong. However, why did you agree to go away with people if you’d rather be antisocial? Did it occur to you that you possibly spoiled other people’s holiday with your abrupt manner? I think that if you elect to holiday with a group, being friendly and occasionally making small talk is part of the package. I would feel cross if someone behaved like you as from how you describe things it comes across as you feeling as if you are a bit superior. I expect that’s not how you really are but be aware that’s how it could be viewed.

I am not giggling at any comments as I asked for opinions and I have them. I ended up on holiday with 17 people as I always think this time it will be ok.” Like my husband said, I must stop putting myself in positions where I am uncomfortable and I will. I do think I am rude but I was after opinions as to why I am like it really. I can’t quite understand why I keep going and getting upset at the need to entertain people I “deem to be idiots” that is my right to think of them as an idiot. I have asked my husband how he would feel if I didn’t go again and he said he would prefer it as it is clear I am not enjoying it and that is probably the reason I am so off with people. He is a lovely husband and would never want me to be sad and upset on my holiday. Thanks for all the comments it is very good to hear all sorts of opinions. When asking for them of course??

When I first read the post this morning I did wonder if the OP might be mild Asperger or on the spectrum to some extent. But then I thought not as she’d have told us?

Whatever the situation she asks if she is too old to change her outlook. It seems she would like to and I bet with a degree of self awareness and encouragement from her husband, she could. But I don’t think, deep down, she wants to.

After the first couple of ‘I think you’re fine’ posts she came back to say ‘thank you, I’m glad I feel normal’. I don’t think there will be any change here then, but that’s fine if the OP is happy and isn’t too affected by the reactions of others (even though her husband is).

I sometimes think (about my family member) that the "I don't suffer fools" stance is a bit of a licence for being rude to people
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Yes, I think it often is. It is a lack of kindness and tolerance. I know people who announce "I tell it like it is" or "I call a spade a spade.." and seem to boast about their bluntness and intolerance and lack of patience.

There are people I'd rather not be with, and as I get older I have noticed I feel quite uncomfortable having to make small talk or socialise for hours on end. I like my own company but with a group of friends I wouldn't dream of being rude to someone who irritated me.

We don't have to like everyone but to show our dislike in the situation described is, to my mind, unnecessary. It would be as easy to excuse yourself or just not laugh.

I think you lack manners. We have to be true to ourselves, I agree, so it may be easier for you to decide not to socialise any longer with a group of friends people who irritate you.

M0nica

I agree that those comments go a bit beyond being antisocial, but perhaps any of us would be sick to death of making small talk, on what sounds to me like the holiday from hell!

Speaking up against someone, anyone, making a derogatory remark about another person is one thing and I think few would disagree when the OP said she did that. But she isn't just doing that.

In her own words I tend to be quite rude to people if I think they are just talking shit to fill up time or I will make comments about things people are saying if I think they are talking rubbish. another end up saying inapropriate things to people who I deem to be an idiot!

None of these quotes refer to someone expressing racist, antisemitic views or offensive views of any kind. It does not even refer to the man speaking demeaningly of his wife that she speaks of later - and, personally I am staggered at her husband's response to this incident.

Like others I find it incomprehensible she even went on this holiday. The only reason I can think of is that she rather glories in her behaviour and the power that probably spoiling everyone else's enjoyment of their holiday gave her.

Bradford lass of course you should not keep quiet about racism and other things that you mentioned. I too would speak out. There is a difference between that and being disrespectful.
OP asked our opinions on the way she behaves, why is it discourteous to say she is coming across rude. I think having a giggle at other people's comments is rude, says more about you.
I agree people should speak up in the face of bigotry and racism, but that is different to rudeness.
I am fed up with people who say I am blunt I say it how it is. Well no your not your bloody rude.

I don’t think I’ve got 17 friends!

Gosh - that holiday sounds a challenge - just thinking about going with 17 friends makes me want to duck under the sheets!

For someone who is unsociable to go on holiday with 17 others seems like self flagellation, why would you do it Scentia
I think you have to decide which persona you are more comfortable with, the unsociable one or the changed you who is more tolerant of others. Nothing wrong with being unsociable but as you are now questioning this maybe it's time for a change.

Bradfordlass

You’re a breath of fresh air!

Scentia You are my long lost twin!!

I too have become a little more intolerant of such comments as I've got older.

My husband said I would have been better to just not laugh along and say nothing as everyone who was laughing

And should you keep silent if it's racism, or anti-semitism? For that is how such things continue.

It is why so many gay, trans and fat people find their day to day life can be torture because no one speaks up in the face of bigotry.
And thus nothing changes.

If someone indicates, as you did, this is not acceptable it makes others think, and changes slowly occur.

Look how common it was in our youth to speak disrespectfully about black people and indeed anyone 'foreign'.

I'm glad you spoke up, please continue to do so

By the way. Did you have a giggle at the very discourteous posts which accused you of being rude? Hilarious.

You say you don't like idiots but what gives you the right to call other people idiots if they don't hold the same view. You do sound a bit rude and it is no excuse to justify that with "not suffering fools gladly". People I know who say that are often rude and seem to think that phrase gives them the right to be domineering and dismissive and are actually not interested in the opinion or words of other people, only their own.
The other thing about this is that words said snippily can deeply hurt other people (and I mean hurt not offend as that is different) - you have no idea of their circumstances and mental health.
I like the quote "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all" - that's from Bambi but many people quote the same/similar words and there are lots of references to this in the Bible. The world would be a nicer place if we all did this.

Och you can be exactly how you want to be in company (and in life) but accept the consequences. If the OP doesn't care what people think about her she can say and do what she likes. If the others think the worse of her as a result then so be it.
Nobody has to suffer fools gladly. Its a risk of course especially if in business.

You’re not anti social, just introverted. Nothing wrong with that, probably half the human race are the same. I used to be the same ie have to say something if I didn’t agree with stupid comments - now I just walk away! It’s the easy option and avoids upsetting people.

Admittedly going on holiday with 17 other people is a strange choice for someone who clearly doesn’t enjoy socialising, so why on earth would you do it?

But it’s not like she was talking to a stranger, the man sounds awful, and I’m sure if they know each other well enough to holiday together, they know Scentia well enough to know she’s not comfortable with that sort of humour, I don’t think many of us would be

I don’t think it’s rude, I would have thought a lot of people would have agreed with her

The phrase 'I do not suffer fools gladly' really irritates me. It is just a excuse to be rude and embarrass others.
This is also the cry if the bully,and people who have a high opinion of themselves, also people who do not consider others feelings. Why go on a holiday with 17 others if you are anti social.
Take a step back and try to imagine what the others think of you. Yes that man was a idiot but people like that are best ignored.
I do not buy into the anti social, do not suffer fools gladly. It is just arrogance and bad behaviour.

Well said MOnica and Ginny42
And to the OP, I'm surprised that 17 people wanted to go on holiday with you.
Where would society be if everyone was like you? We all have to rub along with people we don't agree with, bore us ridged, anoy us. It's called human nature.
You say that people include you so you can't be that bad: wrong! That's people just being nice and polite and sociable.
They probably feel exactly the same way about you but make allowances for your rudeness.

Must admit a ten day trip with 17 other friends/acquaintances would strike me with horror. Think you did well not lamping anyone to be honest. I loathe the blokey “little wife” stuff but generally keep my trap shut whilst silently vowing to avoid the person at all costs. (Very good point about fools).

Oh dear, I had to smile. My husband is like this. I love him but tbh I have been so embarrassed a couple of times when he has spoken his mind. He has been rude to our best friends. I have long thought he has some Aspergers traits. But perhaps hee is just more honest than most of us. He doesn't do "small talk". Thinks it's nonsense.
You have to be yourself but perhaps try to say nothing rather than be rude.

Good point Monica.

Your thread title says you're anti-social and you don't want to be. Then you describe going on holiday with quite a large group of people and your behaviour. You spent quite a lot of time doing your own thing, which you enjoy. Does your husband enjoy being alone or trudging along with the others? Yes, the man was rude and I don't blame you for commenting, although it depends how you said it I think.

Next you wish us to comment on whether it's too late to change. You've noticed than apart from very close family and friends you don't have many friends, but you're quite happy about that. Where's the dilemma? You're happy with few friends.

It's not my experience of why friends are important in our lives. We have fun together, we support each other, we go to the cinema, theatre etc to painting/poetry/ book clubs all manner of shared experiences, like special celebrations and holidays. If you don't need any of that kind of contact with others, you don't need any more friends.

I don't know where I'd be without my friends. I hit absolute rock bottom following my divorce and my friends kept me sane.

It never occurs to people who describe themselves as not suffering fools gladly, that they may be the fool.