Son and Dil potentially moving to NZ

Dilly, I’m so sorry things haven’t worked out like you hoped with you older son.
But, as you and other posters have said he gets to live his life, and it sounds like a wonderful opportunity and turning point for him.
Good for you for keeping your retirement intact and continuing a lifestyle you want. You earned it! Enjoy!
A word of caution- don’t replace husband with your younger son. Read up on “emotional spouse”. Be very careful of putting to much of your happiness on his shoulders, it will only drive him away too.
Focus on your relationship (fix it or leave it) and travel somewhere lovely and exotic to clear your head.

Dilly - think about the benefits - winters in the sunshine for a start. I have a friend who is 82 and she goes to NZ most winters to spend time with her DD and SIL. They run a restaurant and their summer is a busy period for them and my friend helps out by doing the ironing! She usually goes for 2 months and she saves on heating bills in the UK. DD and SIL have thought about coming back to Europe (his parents are Swiss) but there seems to be a problem with getting their pensions paid to them in Europe.

Anyway my friend loves going and always has a great time whilst she's there.

I have posted previously that our DS (only child) and his wife, moved to the USA 23 years ago, and are still there, now with two DGC. DH & I have been fortunate enough to visit regularly (DS knows that were spending his inheritance!) and to know our DGC, but it's still hard! Like others posting here, I've had to live with this situation and to be happy that DS and family are having a good life. While telling them that I love and miss them, I've never, ever, let them see how uttetly gutted I feel, at times, because they are all so far away! As I've quoted previously on Gransnet: "If you love someone, set them free."

I agree with all the posts that say what a wonderful country NZ is.
Look forward to long visits once your DS and Dil are settled. Who knows, you might even decide to stay, would get you away from the situation here and have a much more relaxed life

Hi Dilly I don’t know your back story but reading your post and what others have said I’m wondering how long your son will actually last out there especially if it’s dil who’s the push behind the move. My DD and family emigrated to Oz in 2002 it took them 2 years to feel any where near settled he has bad bouts of homesickness, but they got on with it for the sake of the children, they have a lovely home and life. My GDs love the life but the homesickness is always nagging away. I feel for you as I was so sad when I heard they were going.

I know just how you feel. My son and family moved to New Zealand 10 years ago. I missed them as my husband had died but we had had our lives and I was also happy for them. I went over to see them a few times as I was working and also used Skype to speak to and see them.

Four years ago I applied to come to live over here. I was accepted and moved about an hour and a half away from them so as not to be reliant on them. Yes you will miss them, but be happy for them. Hopefully you will be able to visit. Good luck

It is very hard. I have been in the same position myself and I know how difficult it is to let them go and keep smiling but you do somehow. It helped when we visited and saw for ourselves how happy our son was and what a wonderful country NZ is. I have to say though, and obviously I don't know your circumstances, but we could not have afforded to visit very often at all and I found that very hard when people kept saying 'think of all the wonderful holidays you will have' etc. Also when people would say 'how can you bear to let him go' And thought I wasn't bothered because I wasn't in bits all the time, when really I was just putting a brave face on and keeping going because what else can you do.( Perhaps I just have insensitive friends. ) Anyway my very best wishes to you whatever happens and you will find a way through.

Over 23 years ago, my husband and I moved overseas with our children, who were very young at the time. I'm an only child, and my kids were my parents only grandchildren. Needless to say, my parents were both pretty devastated when we told them of our plans. However, they both said that, whilst they'd rather us not go, and they would miss us tremendously, they understood that we were doing it for a chance of a better life, for us and our children. It was a massive wrench for me too, as I'd always been very close to my parents.

Things did work out. We've had a good life, our kids (now both grown up) have experienced so many things that they would never have experienced had we stayed in the UK. And mum & dad have had some wonderful holidays visiting us, and keeping in touch regularly on Skype.

I now find myself in the same position, as now that my kids have flown the nest, they are both on different continents to me! ... including our first grandchild! I guess what goes around, comes around!

My parents, and my husband & I, have all survived the trauma of long distance family relationships, and you will too! Let your son and his wife know that you give them your blessing to make a good life for themselves. And you can look forward to the prospect of visiting them in NZ ... a truly wonderful place!

Agreed, and yet Canada and the USA, especially East Coast- much shorter flight than to NZ!

My daughter and SIL lived in NZ for a year and came home to have a family, they have every intention of returning to NZ in the next few years ( or sooner depending on Brexit) my eldest son is currently looking to emigrate to Canada. I don t blame them and I m looking at it as an opportunity to travel out and visit as often as I can. I brought them all up to be independent and adventurous and if that’s what will make them happy then I m fully behind them even tho I know it will be hard for me. The world is a much smaller place nowadays with effective communication and air travel so they ll never be too far away.

I don't know you, but you will cope, because you know that it's probably the best thing for them. And that's what mums put first.

All is not lost. The world's a smaller place these days. My friend's son, ddil and dgs have gone to live in Oz. My friend and her DH spend 6 months a year here, then 6 in Oz. And of course there's Skype

Dear Dilly
I read your post and totally understand and feel for you. Our son relocated to Tokyo after marrying a Japanese woman. It broke my heart. We now have two grandchildren age 8 n 3. I keep in touch via FaceTime plus WhatsApp which is really good to use. It’s far from easy especially as my DH has been diagnosed with a serious illness. Which means I haven’t been able to fly out to see my son and his family for over a year. I lived in hope that they might come back to live in the UK but realise that won’t happen. My elderly mother in law told me many many years ago you have to love your children more to let them go. I note your title makes me think you are a keen gardener. I too love gardening it’s a marvellous way to forget about things while you are busy. Our situation is somewhat more difficult as our D in law barely communicates with us. I think it’s a culture thing with her but that’s the way she is. Chin up I hope you will be ok

Indeed- lots of good advice. Must say I would be devastated because it is so very far, and visiting more than once a year or two, would be impossible. Plus the fact that I'd be aware that as I get older, the long journey would no longer be possible. Anywhere in Europe would be so much easier ... and of course, you would never be able to join them in NZ due to immigration rules, unless very rich and in excellent health. Mind you, the situation may soon be the same for any older parent wanting to join their family in EU.

You just have to let them go, and never make them feel guilty (hard, I am sure).

It has happened to so many of us. I live in London and see all the time young women with their children and no family support and I both admire them and grieve for the struggle my daughter had in a less than supportive small town on the other side of the world.

My mother, famous for her tantrums as a way of controlling the family, caused my sister to refuse a job in Africa which she very much wanted to accept. I can’t deny that I cried when my daughter announced out of the blue that she was flying two weeks before Christmas but no tantrums; young people should be allowed to go their own way without being made to feel guilty.

It's only been mentioned though. You could be worrying about nothing. If it was me I would try not to dwell on it too much -people change their minds, ideas cool off, sometimes fizzle out.

You mention they are renting, could you forgo a few holidays and offer to give them the deposit for their own place in the uk. Now that would throw a spanner in the works! Just an idea.

As star lady says, if your son is a drinker, he will still be a drinker whether it's in the uk or nz.

If it was me I would say you can go with my blessing if it's what you really want, but if you want to stay we will help with the deposit for your first home. This is what I would do, but I appreciate its not for everyone. You also have another son by all accounts so I realise that has to be taken into consideration.

Some friends recently left to move to NZ. Their friends who lived there were surprised as they felt that they were leaving so much behind - culture, easy travel to the continent etc. All the things that we take for granted. Nowhere is perfect but there's not a lot you can do but stand back and wish them well.

Hugs, Dilly! I know this is hard for you! It would be for me, too, or most any parent, surely.

But as PPs have said, there are so many ways of staying in touch today. And you can have some wonderful visits.

I think the posters who spoke of crying in the shower, etc. have the right idea. IMO, it's normal for a parent to grieve over the "lost" (changed) relationship, but they should do it privately, and put on a happy face for their AC and CIL. In fact, IMO, it's a good idea to try to actually see the benefits of the move, as you seem to be doing.

Also, I agree, DIL may think this is a good way to get DS away from the influence of his drinking friends, and, yes, his dad. Unfortunately, I'm not so sure this will work for long. If DS is really an alcoholic, he'll find drinking friends there after a time. He may really need to get into AA, and she, into, AlAnon.

Anyhow, it will take some adjusting to get used to this move, both for them and for you. But I'm confident you will adjust. Keep us posted!

NZ is the most wonderful place on this planet to live and it's really not too difficult to get to for lovely vacations.

I think they are making a good decision to go and live there and it's a wonderful place to raise a family.
As others have said, there is Skype etc these days.

If Brexit happens, I will feel like moving to NZ! Your holiday plans can include visits to that country but I do understand how sad you feel that your potential grandchildren will be so far away. My youngest leads a peripatetic life on a boat sailing round the world. Our first grandchild was born in Mexico and their second child was born in NZ. They come back every two years or so for quite extended periods and have been here for over a year this time, during which period their third child, our fifth grandchild was born! The two oldest really do know who we are from visits in both directions (I have been to Panama, Mexico and NZ in the seven and a half years since their travels began), Skype calls etc. You will manage and your feelings will change over time. But it's tough now.

I agree this will be hard for you. But what a beautiful country.
My brother lives there with his family and they have a wonderful outdoorsy life.
They regularly skpye and went they come over it's for a month/ well last time was three month long vacation.

Chin up you can have holidays there.

My heart breaks for you, my daughter emigrated with my darling GD, they had another GD out there and had a wonderful life, I missed them terribly but telephone calls are so much cheaper now and so easy to use video calling.
Please wish them to follow their dreams with all your heart, it’s what they need, to make their own decisions. Who knows they may return after a few years, mine did.

Dilly, I'm wondering where you are in all this? Forgive me if I am overstepping the mark but you seem to have lost yourself somewhere along the way.
How about talking it through with a counsellor ?

Thank you all for your kind comments, sharing your personal experiences, commiserations and advice. As a few posters have pointed out I think dil is grabbing the bull by the horns and is removing son from the temptation of his laddish friends and father. The family house is on beach near a seasonal town and close enough to a city to commute so it all sounds lovely for them, but my heart is breaking.
I think son has had so many chances so perhaps she thinks a change of scene and a fresh start will yield results where her efforts haven’t in the past with his friends and dad close by to distract him.
Sitting in my garden now wondering where I went so wrong to allow his dad to effect him so negatively, dil was quite happy to live here permanently as her work is here and this will be a disruptive to her career, so I blame husband for this.
Quite frankly I don’t want to speak with DH (damn husband) and would love to run away and move abroad myself. It’s been a rough month and I’d like to just hide under the covers and pretend it was just a bad dream

I really feel for you. You will have to make the best of it - go for as many holidays as possible and learn how to Skype, Facetime, etc. - presumably they are getting up when we go to bed so there must be certain windows of time to chat? (Others will have a better understanding of this).
It must also be hard for the sibling that is left at home as they will take on all of the 'parent care'!