Advice please

HV usually continue to visit when there is an element of risk for the child. Surely there are meetings with CS to monitor situation. Your daughter should be asked to attend. Are you sure your DD isn't giving you what she wants you to hear rather than actually what is said. Ask if you can be present for next visit. Take it your DDs flat has some kind of floor covering not just bare boards or concrete.

Far as i know i think health visitors stop when a child reaches nursery age dont they?and in any case its a common opinion among health officials that its better in some homes to be without carpets i.e.if theres asthma or allergy sufferers- my house is mostly carpet free( have laminate in lounge) and laminate in youngest sons room.only stairs& landing carpeted& my own bedroom.Sadly yes lucky girl& buffybee, some 'health officials' do sometimes seem to go out of their way to rub people up the wrong way at the outset- so yes id say to OP- ask your daughter if she wants you there for support for next meeting and help her try find a nursery place for your GC if he/ she hasnt yet got one,then maybe hv wont have a point or need to 'pop round' as child wont be there! And school can help give extra support or feedback as neccessary.plus it will give your daughter a bit of a break,or time to do her tidying etc.And perhaps you can say to your daughter that while you acknowledge she wants you as a mum not a cleaner that it might be a help if at the moment you do come round once a week so you can BOTH tackle a tidy up together maybe before a HV visits due(so theres one thing less for HV to complain about) or at beginning of wk anyway so she can keep on top of it rest of week?just till HV is 'off her back' a bit?or maybe all thats needed is a bit of a declutter to get her started?im sure there'l be things around still from your GC's 'babyhood' that the child has outgrown at 3& maybe need sorting for a clearout?sounds silly but its amazing how much stuff we acumalate from our kids that gets kept for yrs when theyre outgrown.(im off to do my 16 yr olds room while hes doing exams!lol.)

I was, and still am untidy , I would look around the selling pages and see if you can get her some easy and neat storage solutions and go round and help her tidy a bit . Sometimes it gets overwhelming & you just don't know where to start . I would be there too at the next meeting , your daughter probably isn't being herself as she is so scared of saying the wrong thing. You are still being her mum if you are helping her tidy her flat , she is probably exhausting herself worrying .

Health visitors have a busy caseload and will only continue to call if they feel you have a need. Perhaps she feels that your daughter needs some support. You say the flat is untidy and she wants to be left alone. Is she depressed? Does she get out with the child much? I agree that it would be good to be present but try to start with the mindset that the HV is there to help.

Sorry hadnt realised you put 'he' in post :/

Maybe if asthma/ allergies isnt a reason for no carpets but just having spare cash for them that you could help with that instead if its possible, if she doesnt want you to tidy?

Yes try to keep an open mind about the HV as you obviously want to help but not make situation with HV any worse:/

If the HV really wants to help maybe she could try help your daughter get a downstairs flat or something ( if its council or housing association?) instead if she dislikes the stairs for him? Otherwise theres not much can be done about that.

Think of what the HV is seeing: a mum who admits to feeling low and highly unusually only goes out of the flat when the GPs have the child ie doesn’t take the child out, an untidy flat ?unhygienic possibly if not clean although standards of “good enough” vary is this another sign of a ?depressed/ill mum?, a child that goes out once a week so possibly isn’t being socialised and mixing with peers. Frankly I think she’s just doing her job and referring to CS who can put the jigsaw of what’s going on via various agencies to see what life is like for your GS. She can only report what she sees. If your GS lives in a mess, what is Mum doing with her time? You said she’s not drinking “to excess” but most drinkers underreport their drinking so maybe she’s not being truthful even to herself! Why does she feel the need to drink alone in charge of a toddler? She’s not taking him out to the park or toddler groups then? What is his day like? I think you need to think that maybe your daughter Does need more help and active support from you and if she’s not depressed/mentally unwell then some guidance on routines and activity’s that put her focus on the needs of her child.

I really feel for your daughter, but maybe this can be looked upon as an opportunity
I don’t know anything about the workings of children’s services, but I’m pretty sure that their role is to help and support. If they can get some practical help for her, then that can only be for the good
Having said all of that, I see how unsettling it is for you both

pamhill4 - my D only drinks when she goes out on a Friday night - of course she takes C out! Heavens to betsy he's out all the time. She does not drink in the flat. He goes to Nursery and is doing very well.

Thank you for all you kind advice ladies. I will see if I can take time off work to attend.

This sounds so familiar- try to be with your daughter every time this health visitor comes- it sounds like bullying to me - there are so many over zealous box ticking so called professionals out there - how dare they criticise lack of carpets - lots of people have bare boards these days - she needs to mind her own business- so you know why they are still visiting- has a school flagged up some problem?

Janeainsworth I'm a very upfront and emotive person who always wants answers, or how can you move on ?
I happen to have had experience of how HV and SS workers operate at times and it's usually to the detriment of the " poor depressed " woman/single parent who they feel aren't capable and yes, confrontation is sometimes necessary.
If they can hone in at an " easy target ", they will, to justify their over-zealousness of their jobsworth position while the real cases of neglect/abuse are slipping through the net.

Oh, BuffeeBee, I know that virtually all health visitors, and children's' service people are working in the best interest of the child, but I have met some horrors who get a bee in their bonnet (sorry Bee) and see everything as contributing to a problem which may be non-existent.
I don't think they're malicious (although I've had my doubts about a couple!).

Getting upset just fuels the impression that your daughter's not coping. Try to get her organised so that she has an idea what might be asked and has a reasonable answer. Maybe have a neat pile of ironed children's clothes on the side (evidence of care!), and possibly something smelling good on the stove, healthy of course!

But [ellen] how does one know which are the ‘real cases slipping through’ without first assessing a situation and quite frankly social workers are damned if they do and damned if they don’t.
People go into Social work to help, not make people’s lives more miserable but everyone working in this field have a responsibility to report any concerns and the buck stops with social services. If there reports of concerns or reports they are legally obliged to check these.

I am sure all will be well but Worried gran do attend the next meeting, as others have suggested. You can then judge for yourself what the HV is concerned about.

Sorry Worried Gran but I commented only on what you had told us and nothing else. The HV is commentating on what she sees for your GS so try and see through her eyes. If he goes to nursery then ask them how he’s doing compared to his peers. If you do all that and you draw a blank then ask to change HV.

My HV said something similar about a lack of carpets, so I said (not really meaning it, more of a 'oh give over' reaction--she knew I had about £10 at the end of the month after bills, rent and food) "if it's that much of an issue for you, find me a grant to pay for them". She did, carpets in within the month.

I'm not sure what she expects your DD to do about living in a flat, she can't just up and move I bet.

My advise would be to record everything that is said time and date it, and even if she is brave enough get her to ask the health visitor to sign it. be around when the HV next arrives and be pro active in putting your daughters side. ie ask her what SHE suggests in place of stair gate etc. don't be afraid of writing down what she says, you should note she has a diary in which she writes ( outside in her car. )

Do not presume HV and social services know what their doing. Challenge!

Criticizing a lack of carpets sounds a tad judgemental. Surely a HV should be objective, not subjective. This HV seems to be putting her own standards into your DD and that needs to be challenged

I have never heard such nonsense as to suggest a stair gate is not a good idea. What is this woman talking about? What has she suggested as a barrier to stop the child falling downstairs, and whoever heard of a home being criticised because it isn't on the ground floor? I am amazed at this; houses are all 'on the ground floor' ....and have stairs. I would certainly be there for the next appointment Make some very obvious notes - 'to ensure that we know exactly what your advice is', ask her again about the stair gate, write that down, and ask her to sign. If she won't then I would certainly ask for a meeting with the person in charge of the HVs.

Sorry stiggy - I have been typing at my usual snail's pace and managed to write almost a duplicate of your advice, posted about ten minutes ago.

my d had a problem with being a hoarder ,and yes the health visitor reported her to social services because of health concerns about the children. we held meetings as to what could be done. family and friends got together with ss,and made plans to clear and tidy up the home. its taken over a year to make room for gc to play in and room to walk etc.so ask hv if you and some friends could sit in on the next meeting .friends could help tidy and you can be a mum again. you know cups of tea/do the shopping/babysit so she gets some "me time."...and get her to see her doctor about depression..

pamhill4 worriedgran said She doesn't drink to excess, she only goes out once a week when we have GC.

How on earth could you interpret that to mean she never leaves the flat at any other time, never takes her little boy out? . It's obvious she's talking about her daughter going out for a drink once a week, while the GP look after the child!