My own mother causing so many problems.

Was she always like this, or is some form of mental decay setting in?
She is treating you like a child without a mind of your own, you will never change her now, but you can change how you behave towards her - counselling will help you shake off her apron strings at last.
With regard to the will, go and make your own, however you want. Don't tell her, she has no right to know.
Phone calls? Put your answerphone on.
Why do you keep telling her what you are doing?
This is the root of the problem.

All these incidences obviously underpin a serious and deep rooted problem. Years ago, a psychiatrist told me to just distance myself from my mother and tell her why. I did, she created a big production, but I never saw her for several years, until she was dying, when I did the dutiful daughter bit, with fingers crossed behind my back. Clearly she won't listen. So, it might have to be a strongly worded letter to keep away.

Sadly you probably won't be able to change her behaviour, certainly not at her age, which is a shame for your relationship which sounds fractured to say the least, but you can change your own behaviour and make things so much better for yourself.
As another poster has suggested, buy something for the wedding and don't tell her or show her - any fuss on the day just smile and say you saw it and preferred it to what you already had, and then walk away. As to the other matters, you money is yours, and just ignore any pressure regarding a solicitor and your will. If she rants just walk away and keep calm. Other people only have the power that we give them - hang on to that, be pleasant to her as you don't want to have unhappy memories - or any more than you already have - but stick to your guns. Your life is you own, and how you dress and how you conduct your affairs with other family members is your choice.

I agree with all of the things others have posted!
As far as the will is concerned, I doubt very much if any solicitor would allow one to be notarised, if it is being made under pressure but anyway, nothing is cast in stone, and it can always be changed at a future date, but the idea of going and making one on your own, then refusing to tell her what it says isn't bad - although she will no doubt badger you over and over!
Certainly go and do your own shopping for the wedding and turn up in what you want to wear - you may well find she spends most of the day moaning that it wasn't what she bought for you, but you can always walk away from her - just think how silly she will look following you every where!
The grandchildren will decide for themselves what they want to call you both oh, and unplug your landline phone, get yourself a mobile and either block her number, or don't tell her you have a mobile!!!

You sound like a lovely person who’s quite simply reached the end of your tether . It’s time to have your own life . She’s had her children and grandchildren to enjoy . Now you have yours .Don't let her ruin any more days . Just adjust your attitude . She’s probably worried about the future and will need you more then . You need to take back control now . No drama . No showdown . Just do it . And wear whatever you like !!!!

Make a Will without telling her. If she is concerned about her own property then get her to Will it directly to her grandchildren. Nothing forces her to bequeth to you. She cannot though bypass you on her moveable estate eg cash the Picasso up in the attic etc, you are entitled to a share of that. Same with you and your partner, you can Will him property but your children will be entitled to a share in everything in your moveable estate. The solution to all the issues you mention is with You, don't tell your Mother anything and if she asks why tell her its because she interferes too much and you are fed up with it. Tell your family too and that they also must be firm with their DGM. Good luck.

I have a suggestion - and that is to (seemingly) go along/agree smile sweetly and listen whilst she is coming out with her demands, but to just do your own thing anyway. Dress how you want etc - because you can (you are not controlled by your Mum). Maybe she will get the message then? I wouldn't change your number - that seems cruel and OTT. She is still your Mum.

You need to pull your big girl pants on and stand up to her. Stop sharing everything with her like others have advised. Don’t tell her what you’re wearing, where you’re going etc. Switch the phone to silent when she rings non stop. Don’t cut her out, just be firm and limit her input. It’s not too difficult. You aren’t s girl anymore - you’re a 50 year old grandmother!!

On the house issue,did your Dad leave the house to her for her life only? My husbands Granny left their family home to her only daughter for lifetime use to be passed to the only grandson if she died first .They didn't want her husband my FIL to have it as they didn't like him.Would your dad have done that and thats why your mum wants the will changed so your partner doesn't benefit?

Having a very controlling mother myself I appreciate how difficult it is for the OP to stand up to her. My relationship with my mother only improved when she moved the other side of the world to live with my brother! He started off as he meant to go on and never let her control him or his family. Even after she moved abroad she would ring me in the early hours of the morning laughing and saying that she was up so I should be too! (That's when I bought an answerphone!)

It will be hard but I think the OP needs to sit down with her mother and tell her she can no longer control what she does or wears. If she insists on coming when the OP makes her Will she should explain that if the solicitor thinks she is not making the Will she wants then the Will could be declared invalid.

I wish the OP well and hope she manages to get out from under her mother's control.

Just because someone gave birth to you doesn't mean they have the right to control you.

Everyone can be called nanny. Me and my co grandmother are both Nanny. And you can always change a Will afterwards if you want to.

Has she always dominated you and dictated to you? If she has, then I think you should have stood up to her years ago, if she hasn’t then there must be something wrong with her. Whatever the answer I do think you’ve got to stand up to her and tell her you will live your life as you please.

Unplug the phone when you want peace.. some people won’t take no for an answer, will they?

My mother was like this a bit, controlled people’s lives and played people off against each other. I had to say a big No to her every now and again when things got out of hand.

No one else dared, not even my father. Her mother could pull her into line too.

Good luck. Unplug the phone for 2-3 hours every evening. Give yourself some headroom.

To begin with block her number on your phone and then stop telling her stuff.

Go and make a will without telling her you are doing it with a solicitor of your choice, again, do not tell her. Do not tell her later all the details of what your will contains

Go and buy a wedding out fit in any colour but blue and pink and do not let her know anything about it until she sees you at the event.

You tell your DGS - and his parents what you want the baby to call you and make it clear nothing else is acceptable.

At the end of the day this is such an easy problem to deal with. All it needs is a bit of back bone to tell her that you not interested in how she wants you to dress, make up, etc and for you to tell your children that when you come round to visit you do not want her their as well all the time.

Finally stop telling her everything about your life. That way she cannot alter or dictate on things she knows nothing about.

If push comes to shove threaten to go'no contact'. If she continues do it, but just for three months (but do not tell her that), renew contact but lay down the rules.

You must have always done what she wanted.
Now is the time to say NO remind her you are a mother yourself and not her little girl .
I would be firm with her and say you have started looking for care homes to put her in .So that is where some of your money will be going ???.

Just tell her you appreciate her advice but you will be taking Independent financial advice from a professional.
You don’t need to ,but just tell her that or tell her to butt out.
She needs to be looking into her own future now and being more respectful towards you.
She is not spring chicken and I would point that out to her in a nice way

IMO Think she must have been like this too long to change now!
You could try saying Mum you must stop this your bullying me, or see as little of her as possible, mine drove me nuts by phoning me continually once I counted it was 17 times ( her record) i used to scream inside even turning the ring off didn't help as I then wondered if she was phoning.
She died two years ago, I would give anything for her to phone and now Ive got rid of the house phone as felt sad and guilty each time it rang.
I hope your able to sort it with your Mother x

I don't think the advice 4allweknow gave is right.
"She cannot though bypass you on her moveable estate eg cash the Picasso up in the attic etc, you are entitled to a share of that. Same with you and your partner, you can Will him property but your children will be entitled to a share in everything in your moveable estate" is not correct.

YoungatHeart, when I give one of my sons an unwanted present he simply tells me already has too many socks, or he already has a garden hoe. I am not offended and have learned to be more careful when I give a present to him,

Your mother is full of goodwill and deserves to be appreciated instead of your being afraid of her. Don't take all those trivia so seriously.

It sounds as though you are in a terrible situation and it must be awful feeling you can't do anything without your mother interfering but I wonder if she is suffering from anxiety, maybe she panics when you don't answer the phone because she worries about you and re the will is she worried that a family home will end up being owned by your partner with nothing for her grandchildren and great grandchildren. That doesn't mean she has any right to tell you what to do but might explain some of her behaviour. Has she always been like this or is it something that has happened relatively recently?
Are you able to just humour her, listen and nod but just do what you plan to do anyway?

I must agree with Bagatelle, my mother died at the age of 95 and I am ashamed to say that it was like being released from a ball and chain,

It's easier said than done to stand up to a tyrant especially as I was an only child. On the odd occasion that I did stand up to her and said I would never darken her doors I caved in because of my wonderful father. It upset him so much. I couldn't bear to hurt him I loved him so much.

I suppose I do have her to thank for the fact that I was able to do all the general domestic things. She criticised me all my life. When I was young if you got dirty or fell over and hurt yourself you never got a cuddle and made better , I got a good smack. it was a good job that my grandmother lived next door to clean me up and make me better.

She was never happy for me when I was pregnant in fact when I was pregnant for the second time she refused to speak to me- ONE child is enough for anyone.

She considered it my duty to look after her and care for her. I did look after her out of duty not love. She constantly cried 'wolf' to get attention.

She had major surgery and it really was touch and go. During this time my Dad was taken into another hospital. I used to visit my Dad first as that hospital was more flexible. My Dad would say it is so good to see you but you must look after yourself, you've got your mother to visit. Arrive to see mother sitting up in bed with her arms folded , face like thunder! WHERE do you think you've been till now? I didn't know what had happened to you.

When my younger son married I arranged taxis to take us home from the evening reception. She refused to go in the taxi as she never thought her daughter would put drink before her mother! I wasn't drinking but most certainly toasted my son and his wife. A relative took her home.

She spoiled so many days out by being awkward and critical.Some days became an embarrassment and you wondered WHY did I bother.

She was a genuine 'Jekyll and Hyde'. People that she worked with years ago described this kind, funny person that was always laughing- THAT wasn't the mother I knew.

How my wonderful Dad lived with her for almost fifty years I just don't know. So youngatheart 228 , my heart goes out to you . As the Dr once said to me when I asked his advice You have my deepest sympathy!

Niucla
I empathise with you, as I said in a previous post, I have been estranged from my mother for a long time, and my childhood was probably much like yours

I would never have done it if my dad had been alive, like you, I have no idea how he stood her for so long

I'm surprised with this thread how so many people have said unplug the phone, or dont answer it, I just couldn't do that for long, I sometimes don't answer my phone, but my mum always leaves a message, so at least I know she's okay.I wouldn't be able to otherwise.I'm an only one, so feel a strong sense of responsibility I suppose.

All of the above.and after the wedding why not go on a nice cruise- alone.without telling her.! Get your breath back.(and confidence)

It sounds like you are perhaps looking for permission from this group to distance yourself from your mother. It is given! Please love yourself and put yourself first. The insistence on you making a will to her terms in her presence is illegal, this kind of coercion will not be tolerated by the legal profession. Re the wedding clothes, Your mother is supposed to love you, consider this? If a friend treated you like this would you continue with that friendship, I suspect not. Your mother sounds like she is jealous of you to a very deep level, making her toxic to be around. I cannot advise you what to do but I can say that you have mine and a majority view on her to make sure she has as little negative impact on your future life as possible. Good luck and stay strong!

I think you’re done for! You say you are 50 and your mother is in her 80’s ..... and I am sure this situation didn’t just arise overnight but has been building up over the years. Sorry to say this, but it would seem that your ‘window of opportunity’ to assert your independence had long since passed. Sounds like a classic case of co-dependency now!