My own mother causing so many problems.

While having a will is a good thing, Your aunt left you the money, and it is absolutely not your mother’s decision of where you leave it. Family money or not.

If she is so concerned about where the money she wants to leave you will go after you pass, she can bypass you completely and give it directly to your children and grandchildren. She’s using money to control you.

I bet she was a nightmare when you were raising your children.

My DM lived with us for a few years when my DC were young.
It seemed like a good solution to both her loneliness and our need for childcare. How wrong I was.
At the point when I was scared I would become violent, we agreed she would leave.
In the end she moved 300 miles away. Our relationship improved . She was so used to treating us as children, she continued to even though we were middle aged with DC of our own.
Towards the end of her life she became more benign and kinder and loving. I've heard that people can be the opposite though and get cantankerous in old age.
I hope you find the strength to deal with this difficult woman in a way which doesn't cause a family feud.

Take a deep breath. See a solicitor and make a will leaving your money where you wish. Tell you mother to do the same. no problem in telling your family the contents of your wish. Write a note to the grandchildren's parents telling them what you would like the children to call you. You are the grand parent. You could suggest your mother is great grandma.... Or something else if she prefers - but not your choice as this would confuse your grandchildren.

Wear whatever you prefer to the wedding - Your mother is denying her age and wants to be you. Give yourself some time out. If you were my friend we would have a spa day or lunch and wine. Don't answer your phone too often. Maybe her mother was also so bossy. Keep calm - eat chocolate. good luck.

Your mother sounds to be a total control freak,but I don’t understand why you allow her to dictate to you as if you are 5 years old. My daughter is almost 46 and I would not dream of telling her what to wear and certainly would not buy her clothes.,unless she chose an item for a birthday , or Christmas. I can just imagine the reaction if I did . I can’t add anything to what has already been said by others. You must confront her and tell her you are an adult and quite capable of making your own choices.

I don't think you can change this on your own, it sounds like very long established patterns of behaviour. Have you thought of some kind of therapy? It needn't be long term, just something to make you feel better. There must be some books you can read or podcasts you can listen to.
I think you know what you want to say and do, you've just had years and years of being bullied.
Good luck and let us know how you go on.

There’s a saying, ‘ If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got’

You can’t change her. You can only change the way you respond to her demands. Be strong and stop letting her control you. Stop being a doormat! ?

carbon copy of my dead father, terrorised the whole family,they manipulate everyone at the age of 45 I lost my cool with him and didn't see him for 3 years.he changed slightly but from not trying it with me , he tried it on others.With hindsight he had a mental disorder, probably narcissistic, what would I have done if I could put the clocks back-walked away at 16 ,disown him completely. A parent has so much over his family, and in many cases it emotionally traps the vitims as children.There is lots of books to help understand your situation with such parents.I wish you well If I could describe them-poisonous control freaks who are no use to anyone apart from themselves.

Is this how she has always treated you? If so, do you think she knows how you feel?
If you can't speak to her then you need to write it all down and give it to her.
She has no right to do this to you but if you have let her previously then you need to sort it out.
If you always do what you have always done then you will always get what you have always got?

Hi, does you Mother live with you and if so why, is it her house or yours? If not then you are in total control of what you do, how you dress, and who visits/calls etc., My Mother was so controlling that i left Australia aware no matter where i moved in Oz she would be there. My late cousins wife is also controlling - and the men in their lives just in the end gave in for peace sake. I would go as far as unplugging my phone so that it rings and rings and i don't hear it. We now have mobiles, you can see who is ringing you, you need to start moving things differently & making changes, this didn't happen slowly, its happened over time, bit by bit they just chew away at your soul. Start small but anything will make a difference. I would have a family meeting excluding her - and decide that - she needs to be left out at times for sanity sake.

Such a lot of footering to deal with what, as MOnica says , is an easy situation to deal with.

Make a will? “ Oh, don’t worry, I’ve already done it”

Changing an outfit? “ Oh, don’t worry, I’m happy with this one. Anyway, I’m sure we’ll both look lovely”

Buying you things? “ Oh, they’re nice, but not really me. Take them back and treat yourself”

My divorced friend had a house and 2 adult children. She met a man who became her partner, and he was nice but had no money and no property of his own. In her will she specified that if she died before him he could stay in the house for his lifetime but then it would go to her children. This was a good idea as even if he met another woman only my friend's children would inherit the house.
A will is essential and Youngatheart you need to make one privately, and just tell Mum you will make one when you are is ready to, or else as some suggest make a will in the presence of mum and tell the solicitor next day that you were co-erced by mum and would like to make another privately. Of course this will be an extra cost.
Just turn up at the wedding in whatever you want, only stay away from navy and pink.
All the best, and I hope you can get a bit more privacy
from your mum.

I think you need to get very assertive and stop bowing to your mother's unreasonable demands and controlling behaviours. Make your own decisions then stand by them even if it means saying NO to your mum or politely reminding her it is your choice and none of her business etc. Do not allow her (or anybody else) to force you into signing a will or other legal documents - again, decide what you want and then write your will when you wish to, and how you wish to, leaving money/possessions/assets to whoever you want them to go to.

Although some 80-year-olds may have dementia or other mental health issues that make them behave unreasonably and say inappropriate things it does not sound like this is the case here. It sounds like a stubborn and selfish old woman wanting her own way and wanting everybody else to obey her orders. Don't grow older with regrets that you didn't live your life how you wanted, dress how you want, have guests that you want to see etc. If your mother persists, bar her number and ignore her for a while, she may get the message - otherwise you may have to resort to spelling it out very bluntly to her. Good luck!

Oh, and though I get what others say about keeping 'family money' in the family it should still be your choice - if you have a partner that is your 'family' you should be able to let them inherit if that is your wish. Or you may choose to share between family and a partner etc. I haven't got any money and am highly unlikely to ever inherit any, but if I did my partner of the last 30+ years would inherit the bulk anything I had; if enough it would be shared between my small family and him. You may wish to tell people about the contents of your will but you are in no way obliged to do so and if you want to keep it secret until your death do that.

I'm so sorry. You have to deal with this. Tell her nothing that is not necessary. Refuse to follow her instructions especially as far as you will is concerned. Do not be forced her into allowing her to go to a solicitors with you, no matter what you put in you will. After all it s YOUR will not hers. Has she always been so obtuse? if not it may be time to have her GP and a Geriatrician involved in her care. Do you live with your mother?

Please make your own Will with a Solicitor. Leave what you want to whom you want. Your Mother cannot take any control over what has been written by you, signed and witnessed. If you want to leave things to your grandchildren then name that item and name them. No one can then take that away. If they dont want it, then it is up to them to do with it as they wish, not any one else. If you want to leave something for your partner add that too.
Good luck with it all

You really do need to make a will (Since I made mine I've been a bit of a will-bully about it!) but for goodness sake do it privately and simply don't tell her anything about it. It's not her business.

What has gone on that appears to give your mother such a hold on your life. ?She will continue while you allow her to. What is the worst that can happen by shutting this person out of your life until she gets the message.?

Firstly I dont think a decent solicitor would let her have any say in how you make your will or disclose the contents to her. But why not either just go and do it by yourself and then you can tell her it is done - or even don't do it but tell her it is done!!

The wedding clothes - just return what you have bought, and get something completely different but don't tell her.

And stop sharing so much with her!!

Actually I think standing up to her will just give her more pleasure in being difficult. The best thing with people like this is to not react at all then they get bored and start picking on someone more entertaining

Lots of very good advice here. Please do think about taking some of it Youngatheart. My mum used to treat me and my sister differently, because my sister is a much nicer person than me.
Let us know how it goes. Good luck

Is it a recent behaviour issue ? if so sounds worrying.if not then I'm afraid it's too late.EXCEPT you will ALL have to STOP her pushing food down grandsons throat!!

No,vikya is right- i made a will this wk(ive hung on to not making one till 55)but solicitor said anything you DONT specifically write in the will is declared as intestate.so even if you want to give GC jewellery etc it wont be allowed without going in a will.and he also warned against DIY wills as these can be invalid if the wording is wrong.its all so much more complicated than youd think.However theres a scheme at moment for a free will writing with various solicitors with SCOPE- (he even came to my home for this)and also wills for a donation with various charities- (info for anyone whose reading this!)and of course you can do it without telling your mum and say when she mentions it " oh i did mine already" and dont disclose her any details! You can do whatever you like with your money- but most folk would wish to leave something to GC- but NO ONE has the right to make you do so- or stipulate how much.treat yourelf first, if you so wish, and whomever you like whilst youre still here to enjoy it with them(your children& grandchildren) then leave them whatever you like! Enjoy.

Buy yourself something totally different for the wedding and on the day simply tell her you had a problem with your original choice (a mark , missing button , make up )
so had to wear something else .
As for the will , arrange a new one , and it will supercede the earlier will she dictated .
Good luck

If you want to leave property to your partner do it,go make a will on your own I have just done it,no problem one daughter will get a nominal amount she does nothing for me, so why should she benefit most of mine is going to charities that is my wish tough for anyone expecting an inheritance, hopefully I will spend most of it before anything happens,I managed a residential home saw greed every day, did my generation over 70 breed a very greedy bunch

I think you’re done for! You say you are 50 and your mother is in her 80’s ..... and I am sure this situation didn’t just arise overnight but has been building up over the years. Sorry to say this, but it would seem that your ‘window of opportunity’ to assert your independence had long since passed. Sounds like a classic case of co-dependency now!

It sounds like you are perhaps looking for permission from this group to distance yourself from your mother. It is given! Please love yourself and put yourself first. The insistence on you making a will to her terms in her presence is illegal, this kind of coercion will not be tolerated by the legal profession. Re the wedding clothes, Your mother is supposed to love you, consider this? If a friend treated you like this would you continue with that friendship, I suspect not. Your mother sounds like she is jealous of you to a very deep level, making her toxic to be around. I cannot advise you what to do but I can say that you have mine and a majority view on her to make sure she has as little negative impact on your future life as possible. Good luck and stay strong!