Almost a gran worries

Hi I was at my first DGD arrival I was invited ! I had meals in the freezer for them and basically helped whenever needed usually looked after the baby in afternoons while my daughter had a sleep would put her in a sling and talk to her while cleaning up etc .but DG2 they were fine and I only helped with stuff when Asked and did the nursery run with DG1 so play it by ear .The first one is a big shock to them enjoy it xx

I have a 1 1/2 year old and another on the way this fall.
My advice is to not worry about the baby. Be there for your daughter. She’s going to be getting tons of unwanted advice. That “experiences other granny” might not be as welcome as you think if she’s not careful and keeps her opinions to herself.
Take care of your daughter while she takes care of the baby.
The baby doesn’t need or want anyone but mom (and occasionally dad) in the first few months.
Don’t go over uninvited, don’t text or call often. And when you do ask her how she’s doing and if she needs anything. Don’t jump into asking about the baby.
Tell her she’s a good mom. Tell her she look great. Tell her she’s doing a great job. Even if you don’t agree with what she does.
As you mentioned, it’s been 30 years since you had a baby. Things change. She’s up to date on the latest.
The worst thing you can do is criticize or offer suggestions.

Gilly59....you will be fine! Your daughter has asked you to be there, you understand that it is THEIR day but will do what you are asked as and when. No problems. People have their own views on being at births and non are right or wrong. Personally I would have HATED it IF my mother had suggested being at my child's delivery BUT my child wanted ME there and...it was the most magical experience of my life...even more so than giving birth myself. You will be just fine.

Thanks again for all your advice. Nice to know that you have all taken time to tell me about your experiences. I need to stress though after reading a couple of replies that my daughter asked me as well as her hubby to go with her. I would never have asked her as I would worry she felt she should say yes. I am happy to go If for nothing else to give her hubby a rest. My intention is to help where and when I am needed and I will not be forcing myself on them. I will obviously ask them what they want just thought other peoples experience would guide me. It's all new to me hence the question but I am sure it will all work out. I will post again after the big event. Can't wait ?

I rue the day my husband was any where near my inner workings. Mother turned up and demanded tea and biscuits. Happy Days.

Agnurse egg sucking indeed!
You must think our generation are stupid. Would you believe we do read newspapers and books? Some of us are doctors, nurses, midwives,health visitors.
But no, you think Grans need to go on a course ?
Who’s in charge of a baby’s welfare anyway? Mum/Dad? Or gran?

My eldest DD and SIL live in Switzerland so I couldn't see my new Grandaughter straight away.
However she had a complicated birth and ended up having an emergency C section. My SIL at DD's request was texting from the hospital to keep me updated and asking us to pray so I felt as though I was with her at the birth. She had to stay in hospital foe a week then they wanted to spend time alone. I went over just before the baby was 3 weeks old and stayed for a week to help as my SIL went back to work the day after I got there.
I did things like getting the meals and looking after the baby while DD had a bath or a sleep.
I also kept her company and gave her moral support.

A grandparenting course is mainly focused on advising GPs about guidelines and recommendations that may have changed since they had babies. For example, our mum used a drop-side crib for all of us. Those are now classed as unsafe. Some people were told to put their babies on their stomach or side to sleep. We now have the Back to Sleep campaign. Some people were told to introduce solids at 4-6 months. It's now 6 months at the earliest.

As we get more research and learn more, we develop better guidelines.

Annodomini also known as “teaching grannies to suck eggs”!

I do not maintain we as Grans know everything but then we are not in charge - that is the parents’ place and any Grans attempting to “know it all” are unlikely to find their “advice” gratefully received.
You become a gran when your child or his/her partner has a child.
How your relationship changes or develops will depend on the individual, but TG it is not a degree course with an exam at the end of it!

Grandparenting courses! What next? Are we really so insecure that we need to be taught what to do?

You might like to consider taking a grandparenting course, if one is available in your area. The purpose of these courses is to educate GPs about guidelines that may have changed since they had babies.

I was with my daughters for all five of the births. It was a wonderful experience, though two of the babies had severe problems and had to go into intensive care. However, it was a privilege and I wouldn't have dreamed of asking to be there, I left that up to them. For me being with them and being able to help was less stressful than wondering what was going on. I kept away from the business end though.

Just be there for her with no pressure.
My first granddaughter is 2 months old. During the later stages of her pregnancy dd said we could visit in hospital but that she wouldn’t want visitors for the first week when home. I just said that they would be welcome to come for dinner if they wanted, to save her cooking. Dd had a bad labour and birth and actually took me up on that offer as she was so sore and unwell.

I also offered to sleepover with her when her dp, who works away Monday to Friday, went back to work. At first she said no but when it came to it she asked me to do so. I always make sure that she has plenty of space but am there if she needs me.

Offer as much as you are able and, even if she says no, leave the offers open. Tell her that you are there for her, however much or little she needs you. Mine and my daughter’s relationship has strengthened even more over the last 2 months and I love spending time with her and dgd.

Ask her what she wants you to do, and if she's vague, remind her it's better she tells you than you try to do what you think she wants you to do!

Gilly 59. How I envy you been invited to the labour ward. I would have just loved to have been there when my grandaughter was born. My Daughter wouldn't hear of it. I helped a lot in the beginning as it was a bit of a shock for my Daughter as she wanted to get everything right and perfect. I found the main thing to help was the cooking and shopping. Being there to wipe away the tears of self doubt. Most of all sit back and enjoy the ride they don't stay tiny babies for long.

I wouldn't worry too much about the other grandmother knowing more OP, every baby is different anyway.

She may be a bit more up to date on current guidelines, but thats easy enough for you to find out anyway. The only real changes are safe sleeping guidelines, slightly later weaning (although not all parents follow that) and rear facing car seats are recommended until at least 2 years (not by law yet, but that'll likely change). If you want to read up on it a bit then the nhs pregnancy, baby and toddler section has lots of information with the current guidelines and recommendations.

Oh and apparently the pushchairs are more difficult these days!

I was clueless too, but when it came to the birth of my grandson, I was there and knew when to stay out of the way and when to help. It just seemed to come naturally. So be there for your daughter and son in law as he’ll need help too.

As for after, I was very much out of practice too, but if I held my grandson and he stopped crying we were all happy and it gave them a break. ...and sometimes your daughter will need a cuddle too and be told that it will get easier and it will. One year on and now we’re flying it and can’t get over how happy we all are. You’ll be great.

I have two daughters; the younger was the first to have children and I was in the delivery suite with her and her partner for hours during labour until she was rushed to an emergency caesarean, but I saw the baby very soon after arrival. My elder daughter wanted to get home with baby and settle in to being a family before I visited (they do live further away). I asked them both at the time and went along with their wishes; everyone is different!

As I have no daughters. I wouldn't know what it would be like to be in the labour room with a daughter. I do know that neither of my DiLs had had her mum present, both living at a distance. Circumstances allowed me to have the first cuddle on Day 1, but I doubt if there was any resentment on the part of my co-grans.
What I do know is that I would have been horrified if my mum had volunteered to attend my labour.

Am I in a minority?
I would not have gone into the labour ward with any of my daughters (3) for all the tea in China, that was their husband’s place.
I visited when invited -hospital on Day1 with DD1 and DGS1 and day 3with DD2 and her first. Day 4 with DD3 and her first.
DD3 told us all we would hear once the baby was here and while her sisters might have had a hint that she was in labour, none of us grandparents knew. I was absolutely fine with that!
I am aghast at the Grans who seem to see it their place to move in for two or three weeks when their daughters have a baby. Where is the new dad’s place in all of this?
Modern young couples are more than capable of coping with the early weeks, fathers need the chance to be “hands on” without their mother in law breathing down their necks too!
I bought my DD and SIL. £100 worth of Cook! Vouchers to provide meals for those first weeks, specially once he was back at work, I also offered to bring a load of washing back, but no need, my SIL had everything under control!
I think it is paramount to respect their space , the fact that they have their own households and their new status as parents and to take a back seat.

Oh, more, lol. we were a military family and grandparents did not come. we managed fine and your daughter will too. As for sleep deprivation? o one can help much there!

Ask her

Gilly59 I feel your anxiety but you will be amazed how well everyone adapts, just like you did 30 years ago. The one thing I wasn’t ready for is the absolute overwhelming love I have had for each of my grandchildren. All the cliches you have heard about grandchildren are , in my experience, quite correct. I’m feeling quite envious of you, you are about to enter a wonderful stage in your life, treasure every moment.

It is all up to your daughter. One sentence is needed. If you need anything just ask. Oh and stop fussing. Fussing makes people nervous. Enjoy your grandchild when it arrives but do not go charging in...

I worried about mine too but they got through the birth as every woman does. As for afterwards I would cook them a meal and pop it round, casseroles, chilli’s, cottage pie, all things that were easy to heat up when they were ready. This was really appreciated as any new mum would understand. I sat with the new baby a couple of times to let her go and have a sleep and I constantly told them I was at the end of the phone if you need me and just call. She was very grateful for some help and company when her hubby went back to work and she was on her own for the first time.