Anxious granny to be about visiting GC

You are being quite generous with arrangements you have suggested. However her wanting to move house nearer to you sounds a bit extreme. Stick to the plans you have arranged. Start as you mean to go on, otherwise you could start to resent her. She is obviously well meaning in her intentions but you could start to feel stifled by her if she moves to close. Distance lends its charm!

Having been a gran in the same position as your mum(2 hours away and also suffering from anxiety and depression) my dd would phone and ask me to come when she was concerned which was often in the first few months,and also to babymind while she got some much needed sleep.
Those phone calls helped as I felt wanted,needed and useful.That was the key for me.Things settled and we did too!
I hope you can enjoy your new baby without worries about your mum.

What a lovely daughter you are! You sound so sensible and loving and your gut instincts are absolutely spot on.
Your mum, whatever her problems, did a brilliant job in raising you.
I can understand both sides of this. I can empathise with how she feels and I believe that your mum's anxiety will ease once the baby is born and everything settles down but before that you have that difficult time to negotiate when the baby is new.
My son has two boys and they live quite a long way from me. I have tried and tried to be more involved in their lives but my daughter-in-law has a hands-off mum and finds it difficult to accept. The result it that if her own mum isn't involved, she doesn't want me to be.
I have learned to live with this and see them when I can.
It was a very different kettle of fish for me when my daughter announced she was pregnant. She too lives a good distance away and I went through a very anxious time feeling that this was my last chance to be a hands-on granny, not helped by the fact that son-in-law's mother lives nearby and was going to look after the baby two days a week when my daughter returned to work.
I was envious and quite sad that I couldn't see them more. Quite frankly, I still am but have accepted the situation for what it is. I feel that the most important thing is that my daughter has a happy marriage and loves her little boy to bits.
As it worked out, mother-in-law found that she was being over-ambitious having the baby two days a week and soon cut it down to one (causing all sorts of problems in the meantime!).
I suppose what I'm saying is, try to keep your mum as calm as possible - personally I think that a schedule for visits is a perfect way to allay her anxieties. If she knits, crochets or sews, give her projects that will keep her busy and make her feel valued (but make sure she sees you using them afterwards!) Eventually when the first few months of chaos are calming down, I think she will settle down too.
I accepted that my daughter didn't want me to go to stay with them when the baby was new - she wanted it to be just her and her husband - but I went to stay for a few days when her husband went back to work. I mostly stood guard over the little one while my daughter got some much-needed sleep.
Try to relax, even if your mum can't - I think all will be well

I would say don’t set up any kind of expected pattern of visits. It may work when the baby is small but family life changes all the time.

You will make friends with other families, get invited round. In a couple of years your child will get invited to parties or to do things with friends. You will either have to say no because it’s Grandmas time or you will have to tell Grandma the regular visit isn’t going to happen and that will cause even more upset.

Frequent but casual would be my advice.

Incidentally I had a Grandma who “never saw enough of me”. She was the one I visited least when I got older.

Also I don't know your mother's age, but when I became a grandma I was quite a bit older than my own mother was when I had mine. I was taken by surprise when I found out how much difference the age made as to how tiring I found the grandchildren. So now I am kind of glad they're all a bit too far to see all the time. And of course - there is social media and video chats, so I really still feel quite involved.

Just keep saying it will all be fine. Don't make too many promises or time tables etc. you can't do that with a new baby. Keep it vague, but don't let her move house to be near you. Remind her that babies grow up and once the child is at school there is less involvement. Your mum needs to be encouraged to make her own life and let you have yours. Kindly of course.

My daughter and 3yr old grandson moved away last year, at first I found it very difficult as o looked after my grandson whilst daughter worked. But I've got used to it now I go to see them every couple of weeks,sometimes staying over The look of joy on his face when we turn up is brilliant and we get the biggest hug.,and they have just left after spending a few days here. We also FaceTime a lot. Your mum will get used to the arrangement but don't give in and move nearer,it will just make you unhappy.As parents and grandparents we have to let our daughters/sons. Make their own decisions,and support and be there for them when needed. Good luck with your new baby.

I became quite anxious when my daughter was pregnant. The pregnancy had been hard to achieve in the first place and she was an "older" mum. Anxiety can show itself in many ways. But because I'd been the same with my previous grandchild from my son, and then relaxed afterwards, I recognised the symptoms. I think it's some instinctive tribal thing kicking in.

Personally, I'd decide nothing at this time. When the child is born and past its immediate perinatal period when everyone can see you're both gonna be fine, reassess the situation. She may be more relaxed by then.

Has your mum seen her gp about her menopausal symptoms ? For some women menopause can seriously affect their mental health creating anxiety and lack of self esteem . HRT could address that . You must certainly go with your instincts . Grandchildren can give you a new lease of life but they must not be your life . That isn’t healthy for anyone . Hope it all works out for you xxx

I think you have to tell your mum to think back to when she was expecting you.did she agree to a schedule for visits? Or was she like most of us who visited GP when we had the time ?
Its a new experience for you and you have to be allowed to enjoy it without your mother making you stress about her input or lack of.I'm one of the lucky grans ,I see mine all the time and the silly thing is I always had a very busy life and wouldn't have minded not seeing so much of them.Maybe your mum needs to find other things to occupy her time so she doesn't rely on you so much.Enjoy your baby,they grow up too fast.

I live quite close to my son and his wife and my adorable granddaughter who is the absolute joy of my life and I never feel that I've seen enough of her - she is like a treat I can never get enough of! I usually get to see her about once every week to 10 days and feel lucky to get that precious time with her. Sometimes I look after her for a bit when my DiL works late and can't collect her from nursery - and that is an extra treat for me. I wish I had a schedule where I could rely on seeing them every weekend, but it doesn't work like that and I try very hard not to mind when they can't manage to come visit, but I do mind of course, because I am deeply besotted with my granddaughter. I don't make a fuss, because I don't want to upset the good relationship I have with my DiL or make things hard for my son. And I also know that there are mothers of sons who hardly ever see their grandchildren, so I must count my blessings here. I think you are being very kind, offering your mother a weekly visit and a weekend stop over that she can rely on. If I had this I would be very happy - it's the uncertainty of when and if that causes me some stress at times. I am wondering what your partner feels about all of this and hoping it will not strain your relationship.

definite NO to moving closer to you!

Maybe you could quietly explain to her that her anxiety is making you anxious and please would she calm down about it?

I think some gentle honesty on your part may be needed. Does she knit? If so, ask for a complicated baby blanket. That would keep her busy for a long time but yet she might feel she is contributing.

I would feel inclined to let your mum know that she is causing you stress and that is NOT a good thing for a pregnant mum. Hopefully then she will 'have a talk to herself' and be easier to deal with. You, your baby and your DP are your priority now.
Finally the best advice I ever had when I got married was "Start as you mean to go on" - I think you could do this too regarding your mum.
Good Luck for the future and enjoy your baby when he/she arrives.

You are being more than generous stick to your guns and let your mother deal with it!
I had a very loving but extremely suffocating mother, I am now 62yrs old, my mum passed away at the age of 93 last year. I have only now started to do all the things that I’ve always wanted to do. My mum would start with the hysterics, tears and sudden bouts of illness if I mentioned a holiday! I never got to university as it was several hundred miles from home so consequently ended up as a nurse. My first husband sited my interfering mum when we divorced. Fortunately my second husband was much firmer and she realised she had met her match! Lol
I’ve let both my children have the freedom to choose and it hasn’t affected the loving relationship that we have. Don’t let your mum dictate your life.
I know it’s difficult but live your life as you want it not how your mother would like it to be!

I live nearly 2hrs away from my daughter and like your mum I wondered how often I’d get to see my DGS after he was born. I needn’t have worried, I saw her roughly once a fortnight with lots of FaceTime in between whilst she was on maternity leave and she came home to stay for a couple of days at a time too. Now I’m part of the childcare arrangement, travelling down early on a Monday and returning late on Tuesday after taking care of my grandson. Try to reassure your mum and gently suggest that if she gives you space you are all more likely to enjoy the wonderful new experiences and changes ahead. BTW I think that your suggestion is a great one. Good luck!

I agree. It's going to be your baby not hers.
Don't make any promises. Don't encourage her to move nearer.
Do encourage her to fill her life, post retirement, with new activities.
I hope it goes well for you all. You sound like a very thoughtful and caring daughter.

Under no circumstances let your mother feels like having a GC will be her new passion in life. That is a recipe for disaster. Read almost any thread of anguish from a despairing GM on GN and at the heart of it is that the grandmother has invested her life, being and sense of purpose in being a grandmother and as soon as the smallest thing doesn't work quite right, or they are told in the kindest terms to back off a bit, their whole life crumbles.

Encourage your mother to invest in a new post retirement life with new hobbies and new interests. If you succeed in thta it will be definititon take some of the pressure off you because she will too busy with them to rely constantly on you.

Thanks for the messages everyone - I feel much more confident in my gut instincts now. I love my mum and I want to see her happy. I want her to have a great relationship with her GC just like I had with my grandparents. I just wish she could see that and not assume that I’ll try to keep her away, as I’ve never intended to give her that impression. I think it’s all been blown completely out of proportion because of her anxiety. It doesn’t help that she’s recently retired and suffers with low moods since the menopause. I think she feels like having a GC will be her new passion in life and wants it to go well - I’ll work on reassuring her that DP and I want her to be involved and maybe suggest that we all just relax and see how we feel once baby is here.

Good advice from momb take things slowly.

Good advice has already been given.

I just want to add that your mum perhaps also needs to consider that you and your partner might decide to move house yourselves in the future, so if she moves now just to be near you, she could end up wishing she had stayed where she is now, where I presume she has friends and a social life.

Whatever you do, commit to NOTHING in advance.

You do not yet know what your recovery will be. What kind of baby you will have. What effect it has on you and your partner. What issues you will face (colic etc)

So DO NOT agree to set visits in advance. You do not yet know what kind of help you will and WONT need.

You might have a blissful post partum but also there is a chance that you dont and you will need to look after your own mental healtg not soneone elses.

How often did you see your grand parents, on both sides? If you saw them less frequently and had a happy arrangement with them perhaps you could point out to you mother how well that worked.

What about your husband and his parents? Your DH should have a say in the matter and you should point out to her that bothe sets of parents need to be treated equally. Your child will be both their grandchild as well. You cannot possibly have both of them staying a night a week with you.

After the first excitement I would suggest seeing each set of grandparents no more than once a month, if they live any distance for a weekend at either their place or yours and one afternoon, max a week, if they live close by.

You and your DH are forming your family and want independence and time to be together and do everything your way. Your small family comes first before grandparents and they need to know their place in the pecking order.

This advice comes from a grandmother who has the happiest relations with DS and DDiL and a close relationship with grandchildren. We live 200 miles away and we meet up about every six weeks for a long weekend at our house or theirs. The other grandma lives near by and is in touch with her daughter on the phone most days but now sees them every week or 10 days, often with or at friends..

Nearlyamum perhaps you can encourage your mum to take things a step at a time and explain it will be a new situation for you all. Suggest see how things go when the baby is born and say of course you want to see her regularly but you also need time to be a family. Wishing you well.

Nearlyamum
You asked us to be honest. If it were me I'd be the one that was moving: even further away.