The mouse that roared

I agree with Bradfordlass. I will do what I can, if I can, because I think what goes around comes around.

If I am kind and helpful, I will receive kindness and helpfulness.

And, I will go out of my way to help my family. I know they would do the same for me.

I really feel that I turned a corner around the age of 40. I've had various moments in my life when "something " has simply changed without any conscious effort and the arrival of greater self confidence was one of those odd progressions.
I will bend over backwards for my family whenever I can, but I now also employ the previously feared No when I need to without a second thought.
I was always the babysitter whose friends didn't reciprocate, the driver for people who'd rather inconvenience me than make more considerate arrangements, the exhausted guest at evenings out with people who drink too much or otherwise I don't really care for.
But around 40 the worm turned.
I spent most of today wearing myself out, but helping one of my DD's out of a pickle, and would always do so. But unimportant things which will inconvenience me, social situations that would give me the screaming abdabs....Oh thankyou, but No, I can't manage that.
Big improvement!

I'm all for being assertive in such a way that both sides feel OK afterwards.
Just a side note: further up the thread I saw the words 'people pleaser'. It reminded me of a person I know who often tells me that's she's a people pleaser. She's the most determinedly manipulative person I've ever met!! Be assured. This is not any of the posters here. The phrase just reminded me of my acquaintance. She's an 'awfy woman'!

I would rather be known as a kind person who will go the extra mile, than a curmudgeon whom no one asks because they know they'll get a curt refusal.

Yes, I've been taken advantage of, many times and no doubt will be again but that's my choice and this modern, selfish me-me world needs people who show compassion.
Otherwise why are we in this world at all?

What I have learned, is to not allow people to make me feel guilty if I have a genuine reason to refuse.
I don't always give a reason, I just say, as nicely as possible, 'I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't.'
If they push for a reason, as they sometimes do, I'll either reiterate, 'I just can't.' or say a little more forcefully, 'I have my reasons.'

But I don't let reasons turn into excuses. My 'no' means 'no', even if said with a .

The best book I ever read was ‘A Woman in Your Own Right’ by Anne Dickson.
Published in 1982, it contains all anyone needs to know about being assertive, and standing up for your own needs without being aggressive or manipulative.

I had to teach my daughter this as she was becoming quite upset with a friend who was becoming pushy about wanting her company all the time.
So my stock answer when I don't want to do something,
I'd love to but........
I'm busy that day
It's not convenient
Let me get back to you.
etc etc