Morbid Thoughts

Hi ReadyMeals, thank you for your comment, I have never heard of existential dread but I am going to look it up I am sure I will identify with it.

Gillybob I am sure you are right, I was told by a CBT counsellor that something had happened in my childhood that stems from my death phobia. My dad died when I was 16months old. I also remember a time when a policeman knocked at our house to tell us they had found the body of my mums sisters body, she had drowned. Like you I also had a horrible cousin thinking he was clever telling me horror stories. My mum also brushed things under the table and was never explained to me.

I have made plans for when I die and I certainly think about it from time to time as death is a popular topic of conversation with the people I work with, but I don't fear it.

The Wonderful Man is ten years younger than me, as fit as a fiddle and from long lived stock. I, on the other hand, am a 'creaking door', having had a lot of health problems during our marriage; so whilst I don't worry about my death my poor darling does. He's always encouraging me to take better care of myself, de-stress, eat healthily, take enough rest, exercise more etc.

He says he doesn't want me to die a long time before he does. I think he'll manage rather well as an eligible widower, but the thought bothers him hugely.

Years ago I was living in Walthamstow, East London. I had an elderly next door neighbour whom I had known for 30 odd years. He was like a grandfather to me.

He said he would like to die in his sleep so that he didn't know what was going on. I said that I wanted to be aware when I died because it's one of the most important things you do.

As it happened he had he had a stroke and died on his kitchen floor. I hope for his sake he was unaware.

I sometimes feel sad because I don’t think I’ll live to a great age like my 91 year old mother. I’ve had a great deal of stress in my life which is ongoing with a very difficult adult daughter (mental health issues) and a much loved but extremely difficult and demanding elderly mother. I feel the same about my dear husband too. His parents are both alive and in their nineties. We both had stressful jobs, both take high blood pressure medication (only in our mid sixties) and I’ve suffered depression on and off all my life.
So yes, I worrry about losing my husband and I sometimes feel sad that I feel I won’t live to a great age. But I do try to make sure we have as good a life as we can now, so we travel quite a lot, which I love, and my councellor has suggested DH and I spend at least one day a week together, with no other support to adult daughter or elderly mother on the agenda ( short of an emergency) and we’ve really been enjoying that ( we are busy every other day providing childcare or ferrying mother to her various medical appointments or taking her shopping or sorting something out for her.) The problem for people our age is that we are caught between supporting adult children, providing childcare to much loved grandchildren, and seeing to the needs of elderly parents who are very often anything but considerate of our own needs, which become sacrificed on the alter of ‘supporting the family.’ We all need to put ourselves first at least sometimes, as my counsellor said, at least one day a week.

I am sorry you feel like this Sebstar. I know what you mean.

Someone further up the thread mentioned putting everything in order and for me it was very good advice. I have done quite a number of things since then and I am extremely thankful I read that particular post (sorry I couldn't find the post to thank the poster). I feel more settled now I have done those things.

Sebstar, seems to me that you may benefit greatly from CBT. Cognitive behavioural therapy.

Sebstar - could I recommend you read With The End in Mind by Kathryn Maddox. Kathryn is a palliative medicine doctor and has written a sensitive and helpful book exploring the taboo of death, which is in our society.

Now then, you have really opened up a can of worms, for me anyway. I too have your issues. Just to say that I ended up with depression and panic attacks stemming from this very subject which a funeral started off - I don’t go to funerals now, just in case! Please, please try not to dwell on death - believe me I know that is not easy - try and brush the thoughts off with another positive happy one.
This got me and my hubbie talking about our demises and what we would wish and I was very surprised what we have agreed on. Both not being religious, we have agreed that both of us want just a cremation - no funeral, no service and hope this doesn’t offend what little family we have and friends. I hope you can get your hubbie talking and that he tries to understand your issues.

Are you depressed? I, too, had had morbid thoughts, but they were always about bad things happening to my sons. I'm now on antidepressants, and I don't get these thoughts now.

I'm almost 60, and although I'm overweight, my BP and cholesterol are low, I don't smoke or drink, and I go to various exercise classes 3 or 4 times a week. I think that if something happens to me, so be it. I don't worry about anything beyond the next month.

Agreed. You may also want to look at visiting a CODA group?

I think about it a great deal too. I can’t imagine being without my husband and loathe the thought of missing everyone when I’m no longer here. These thoughts occur more and more especially when I wake. I’m writing this whilst on holiday when I SHOULD be enjoying the moment.

I am glad to read this thread. It's one I would have liked to start but wasn't brave enough. I do think we should be able to talk about death, because it is a part of life. And its awful when we are stopped from doing so by family members who don't want to hear. Some books have been mentioned which I will investigate, thank you. However it's not good to dwell on it and I think Scrappydo made a good point. In the middle of enjoying a favourite programme and suddenly an advert about leaving money to help with your funeral, what kind of funeral to choose etc. I wish they could be banned.
And all the leaflets brochures you get for walk-in baths, stair lifts, aids for elderly...so depressing, reminding us of how our bodies are deteriorating are not helpful. But no one seems to care about how they make older people feel, just about selling their product.
I think as Willa45 says we have to focus on being thankful for each day we wake up and making it a happy one.
Easier to say than do of course and I include myself there, but something to work towards.
I'm sorry you cant talk to your husband Sebstar . Could you try saying some little thing to judge his reaction? ( I haven't read every single comment so maybe you've tried this). I hope you find someone who can help.

Hi everyone

I think to some extent it’s perfectly normal to contemplate our own mortality & the questions that come from this. I am a young nanna but I also think about this too, mainly from a ‘what would they do without me’ perspective. However, I try not to dwell too much. Having worked as a palliative care nurse for years I do know that we don’t get to choose at what age we die or how we die and I have nursed many people so much younger or the same age as myself. I am 45. This has taught me simply that life is precious and must be lived while you are alive. Life is for the living. Xx

Years ago I had breast cancer and was faced with my own mortality. I remember saying to myself then that WHEN I get through this I shall not waste time worrying about trivial little things like I used too and live each day with a positive outlook and appreciate the little things. My DH and family were very supportive in this and we only focused on the positive outcome
Before I was ill I used to be more of a worrier. Death is inevitable it happens to everyone I understand that and I am a firm believer that the soul goes on and I suppose this helps me with the Death issue.

I think most of us do.I don't like the thought of leaving my daughter and gchildren. I know how I felt when my mum died. Just enjoy the time you have.make every day count

Neither do I like the thought of leaving everything, especially my family. but b'h I've had a good life up to now, always interesting.
I wonder if we'll be able to keep up to date after we've gone?

I have been a Nurse for 43 years and l think my work has affected me, as l do have a preoccupation with my death, not all the time you understand. But in some ways as we grow older, not knowing when the merry go round is going to stop, is the big question. On a lighter note, l always remember being in a joke shop in Scarborough and seeing this game 'Know Exactly How and When You Are Going to Die`.......Did l buy it? Of course not.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3: v16.

My mum also brushed things under the table and was never explained to me

My mum and dad were both good at doing that MooM00 and avoided any subject that might make them feel uncomfortable (death, illness, sex etc) when I was young I had quite a vivid imagination and as a lifelong worrier I tended to fill in the blanks in the worst possible way . Having the horrible cousin filling my young mind with all sorts of horror stories only made things so much worse . I think these days most parents do talk to children about sensitive subjects ( death included) instead of brushing them under the carpet as they did “back then” .

Last year my sister died- A month after that my husband- And a month after that my brother- That in conjunction with a flood of other life changing events that my immediate family has experienced over the course of a little over a year- On good days, with my eyes blackened by stress and lack of sleep, I look like a raccoon in a state of shock- On other days, even worse- And while I've a sense a warmth within for those that prefer I be happy, by their standards, I'm grateful to be alive, to experience these very human occurrences, morbid as they may seem- Some days I feel separate, much like watching the movement of a wave, as if it weren't a part of an infinite body of water- Other days, tho .. I see I'm in the ocean, too- Along with everyone else- For which I'm immensely grateful!

Heavens rose. Condolences on all your bereavements. What an amazing person you are to cope with all that has been thrown at you with such fortitude, and then bob up on the other side. Keep floating

Condolences from me too, Rose. .
Can't add anything to Marmight's post. I admire your strength. x

My husband and I were listening to something on TV last week and one phrase jumped out at both of us.
"Clinging brings suffering".
We both agreed that the thing you cling to will eventually slip from your grasp and inevitably suffering follows, but equally if we cling onto the fear of that loss, we suffer everyday waiting for it to happen instead of living in the moment and enjoying what time we have left.

kwest Yes! Clinging results in suffering- The length of time one suffers from the results of clinging depends upon how long one holds on- For example when morbid thoughts arise and one indulges in such thoughts instead of taking notice of them when they arise and when they subside it "seems" like the thoughts are there all the time- But they are not- Which is why when one doesn't notice when they subside they feel stuck -- which happens to me often enough!

marmight fennel Thank you so much for your words of encouragement- They are greatly appreciated- Truly-