Elderly parent

My mum died this year aged 95 without thankgoodness suffering from dementia. But she did shower less as she got older (once a week). We were able to talk about this. She actually preferred to do what she called "a strip wash". She had a chair next to her hand basin and sat on this as she was a bit unsteady, she had two towels (one to sit on) and basically washed her top half. She did tell me that she found showering 'exhausting' and after her shower always sat in her towelling robe for over an hour until she felt better.
I don't know if this helps. All those of you coping with dementia have all my sympathy.

Justanivice, ? You are doing a good job and thank goodness there are lovely people like you.

Thank you so much for all your advice and suggestions. It's good to know that I am not the only one with this problem.

Haing worked in the care sector i have seen most of these problems mentioned in this post.One of the most difficult was caring for those with learning difficulties and dementia who had dentures.Getting them to remove dentures to clean them and/or cleaning any teeth they may have had was such a mission. I know some carers gave up in the end and it always concerned me as wearing a denture myself i know how food particles can collect underneath a plate. Also this can lead to mouth infections and smelly breath. It is certainly a test of patience and i admire anyone who looks after a family member without outside help.At least doing it as a career you get to 'clock off'.

I think that people with dementia often simply forget to wash. Any problems with stability (standing, etc) will compound the problem. Basically, even without dementia, it just gets too hard. Ideally, once the problem has been flagged up, care workers should be arranged to give the old person a shower or bath once or twice a week. Daily washing is not necessary for old people who have become less active.

The terribly hard thing about looking after someone with mild dementia is knowing that it will get worse. When I cared for my elderly mother people used to compare it to looking after a young child again. It is not; the child learns more and more and becomes increasingly independent over time while the old person degenerates and becomes increasingly dependent. And while that is happening, you have to cope with this total reversal of the family dynamic, becoming the adult in charge, the new matriarch.

This seems to be quite common. Hope I don’t get like this either poly ?

No, Hooty, I did buy various gadgets, such as this or a shower seat but still, my mother refused to wash for weeks on end. She told me she had but I knew she hadn't. And trisher, she was of that generation but for most of her adult life she did shower or bath daily but after she moved into the retirement home she just stopped. Still don't understand why and hope it doesn' t happen to me.

It has just ocurred to me that this generation probably only bathed once a week when they were younger and only changed clothes once or twice a week. I wonder if this is something to do with their reluctance? Perhaps they are somehow reverting to childhood and thinking of the difficulties involved.

Wow! Getting old and losing your faculties is not something to look forward to...
I simply can't imagine my children looking after me. They have jobs, families and live a very long way. away. Luckily, I can afford a carer, should that need ever arise and it's someone I know who is a marvellous, respectful man who, with his wonderful wife, have made life for his 'employers', comfortable, happy and caring to the very end.

hippie
Have you looked at handles like these, with suction pads?
www.completecareshop.co.uk/bathing-aids/bathroom-grab-rails/suction-bath-grab-rail

Jalima it can be a problem in homes not just with clothes but with glasses and even teeth!

I have been through this with my mother (now deceased) and now my mother-in-law. It is quite common, I guess, god help us when it´s myself one day. I find that the only way is to be quite firm and assertive, and matter-of-fact, I say, "let´s have your clothes then, so I can wash them". I imagine it must be quite hard for a woman who has run a home all her life, done enormous washing for her family, to suddenly find herself being told what to do by an upstart of a daughter-in-law. Be gentle, it will happen to you too.

I used to sneak all MIL's clothes away to wash when she came to stay with us.
Barmeyoldbat that did happen to a relative of mine when she was in a home for convalescence recently. She never got them back.

hippie
the shower is too dangerous (no handles)
could you manage with a shower stool? They have sturdy legs and grippy feet and also have handles either side which you can hold whilst lowering yourself on to the stool and use to heave yourself up again.
I used one when I had a broken ankle.
www.completecareshop.co.uk/bathing-aids/shower-stools/lightweight-shower-stool-view-large?msclkid=edbc43b307d017af5f331fb1c36d2b37&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Moo%20-%20SH%20(2M)%20-%20All%20Products%20-%20Vendably%20-%20Ranked&utm_term=4583589100132535&utm_content=Bathing%20Aids%20%3E%20Shower%20Stools%20%3E%2013274&adgroup=Bathing%20Aids%20%3E%20Shower%20Stools%20%3E%2013274&device=c&query=shower%20stool
other makes are available.
Six to eight weeks without having a shower was a no-no!

I worked n a nursing home for a while and we had a lady much the same. It turned out she was afraid her clothes were being stolen when in fact they were being taken to be washed. So I use to tell her it was Monday and washday so would she please take her clothes and put them in the machine to be washed which she was happy to do so.

Have you tried sponging the stains off, before you go out?
Or suggesting she puts a cardigan on top of a stained blouse, "so you won't feel a draught," or some similar acceptable reason.

No guarantees, but it might work.

It is difficult, isn't it? Latterly, I had to remind my father to take a bath, as to be honest, he smelt of old age.

Hope you keep on managing as well as you are doing.

It does seem that when we get old, some of us need the same care as when we were babies. Just that it's not so easy to administer. If only they would let us.....

My mother suffered from epilepsy so could not have a bath when alone in case she had a seizure so she used to give herself all over washes at the sink. As she got older, as she lived alone, we had the bath removed and a large shower fitted in its place. When I went to stay I used the shower and found it was impossible to use as it was so hot I couldn't stand under it even when set to the coolest setting! She insisted it was fine. I eventually realised she had probably never used it!
She eventually went into sheltered accommodation and had carers visiting twice a week to give her a shower. On those days she would get up extra early and be dressed when they arrived, then say "Oh I'm dressed now so I won't have the shower." It was a real battle to get her to use the shower at all. That was when I realised she had probably never used her shower in her old house.
Thankfully, she didn't smell, so she must have been washing enough somehow. She was OK about changing clothes I think. She had someone who came to clean her room and do her washing so she got by.
I dread getting to the stage I need help doing personal care. Getting old can be a terrible thing.

Would it work if you said to her "I need to put on a darks/lights/delicates wash and I've not really got enough for a full load. Could I have your xxxxxx to make up a load"?

meg54 - "With a large portion of trifle, (heavily laced with sherry!),"
That did make me smile

My granny used to live with me after my parents died in my mid-twenties. She used to wash from head to foot every night in case she died in her sleep. Eventually things changed and she didn't like washing or changing her clothes. She had lost her sense of smell. Tuesday morning was her regular bathing time and was the same morning that our cleaning lady came. As soon as Granny went into the bathroom, the bath already run for her, we would rush into her bedroom and replace all of her clothes with clean ones. She never objected to that but woe betide anyone who might suggest that she was less than bandbox fresh at any other time.

My mil only consented to carers after my fil died and the gp said it was the only way she could study in her own home. She refused to wash or change clothes, so the carers suggested baby wipes do they could give her a quick wipe down. She was getting up at 4am and dressing in the same dirty clothes as her inherent modesty would not allow folk to see her undressed. When my fil was alive, I used to midnap his clothes and virtually boil them. It’s so sad as they were always so smart and immaculate.

goodness I'll remember all that as I'm nearing needing care - I hate to think I smell but at the moment bathing is out and the shower is too dangerous (no handles) I wash down and reward myself afterwards with - um - just a quick ciggie - yes! I'm a wicked old woman!

You could always put something clean over the top of the stained item.
Then, later on, if its too hot, swoop in and whip both off, leaving the clean one to put back on.

Further to my previous message above: that is how we persuaded my DM to have carers in the first place: to keep us happy. She would tell her friends that she didn't need carers but it kept her children happy!