Contact adopted step brother?

Think very carefully before you disrupt someone's life TLlulah it's not all about you and your family. There are ways in which adopted people can trace their families if they want to and your step brother has not done this.

I'm sorry to hear of your unhappy childhood felice , that must have been hard.
I don't think that changes how I feel though. Birth parents do not do any real parenting however valid their reasons are for giving up the child.

Good luck, I hope your search brings you as much joy as mine has.

I can’t thank you all enough for your thoughts, feelings and experiences! There is so much here that will help in the decision making. My brother and I will get together and decide. Thank you all xx

Sodapop you are assuming all adoptions are happy ones, my adopted Mother hated me, she never wanted children and was persuaded by my wonderful Father.
She did the basics, and I was clean and fed but there was never any affection from her at all, and quite a lot of verbal and emotional abuse when my Dad was not around.

Missfoodlove surely your husband's 'real' parents were those who cared for and loved him all his life. The others were just birth parents.
Why do you feel the need to do this TLulah ?

I traced my birth Mother a few years ago, it is the best thing that ever happened to me. We have a wonderful relationship and I now have siblings and other family.
I went about it slowly and carefully, sending a letter giving my DOB, place of birth and birth name and asking if she was related to me.
The ball was in her court totally, I posted the letter on a Wednesday afternoon and she called me on Saturday morning.
But I have a dear friend who traced his birth Mother, flew across the Atlantic and just knocked on her door,,,,, she told him she had not wanted him then and did not want to know him now. He was devastated she just slamed the door in his face.
It can go both ways I think the soft or agency route is best.

Often in adoption reunions there are difficulties with the birth mother and child relationship due to issues from the past and feelings of rejection, but sibling relationships can often be very good as there are none of those issues.
Your brother must know he is adopted and may welcome a new sibling. As long as you are prepared that he may not want to know, you would be no worse off then, but potentially could develop a good new relationship.
I have experience of an adoption reunion and know it is not easy but for me I would rather know.

Janeainsworth i said ‘will he feel rejected’ and not ‘he was rejected ‘.

Someone close to me sought out his birth family when aged 50 - what a can of worms it opened up, and 20 years on he's still dealing with the repercussions. His birth mother had died just a few months earlier; I can't imagine how he would have felt had she declined to meet him.

As your mother has made her feelings clear and is unlikely to want to meet your half-brother, he wouldn't be able to 'square the circle' so to speak.

TLl, make use of the agency as you continue to ponder the pros and cons and contacting your half brother.
A few years ago, a friend was contacted by a half sibling she hadn't known existed. They took it very slowly, using letters, then phone calls before meeting for the first time. In their case, it has worked very well. They found they have a lot of things in common and are developing a close relationship.

In my working life, I knew many children who were adopted, for many varied reasons. I also have close friends who adopted. My experience is that meetings with birth families can be very good or very bad, with lots in between. Take your time and the best of luck.

I would 'let sleeping dogs lie' unless you know the circumstances regarding the birth of the baby. The fact that your mother is denying him could mean that he was conceived outside of a loving relationship.
Sixty plus years is a long time and would you really have much in common ?

Could you leave it until your mother dies? You do not say what her state of health is. You would then be able to avoid saying anything to him about his mother denying his existence and not wanting to see him.

If I was the possible brother I would want to know whether it was good or bad but I agree let the agency do the initial introduction then he can make his own decision whether to take it any further or not many will want to meet and know but some won’t
I have got experience of this but won’t go into details on a public site
As your mother is having nothing to do with you he won’t hopefully feel any worse than you do he ll have nothing to be envious of anyway
I couldn’t let it go I m afraid but that’s just me

Missfoodlove - oh my goodness! Hadn’t thought of that. Thank you for sharing this.

My husband was adopted at 3 weeks old, he had a fabulous upbringing and had no desire to know his real parents.
One day a letter landed on our doorstep from an agency acting as an intermediary.
He was in shock but after a lot of discussions and heart searching he met his mother.
Initially it was like a fairy tale but turned sour.
I would approach this with caution.
You have to be prepared for someone that may be needy,mentally ill or perhaps with a whole different set of values than your own.
Once contact is made it’s very hard to withdraw.
Approach with caution!

Janeainsworth good point! Sadly my mother won’t talk about it so I don’t know how she felt. But I guess even if she was pressured into having him adopted the child would not know that and may feel rejected?

Anniebach your comment was thought provoking and just the sort of comment I need to help me make the decision. I want to be able to be able to weigh up all the pros and cons but as I can’t discuss this outside of family (we all agreed best not) I need to hear your opinions x

anniebach I have no personal experience of adoption, but I don’t think it’s fair to assume that every mother who gives up her child for adoption does so because they are ‘rejecting’ that child.
60 years ago there was very little, if any, support for single parents and the pressure to give up a child born to an unmarried mother, very great.

TLlulah, I am so sorry if I put more doubt in your mind

You should approach an agency definitely. Someone I know did just that and the agency made the contact.
The person was shocked and said no which was a terrible blow but at least an answer.. If you don't try you may regret.
I had a foster mother for a year while my DM was sick but I only tried to trace her after about 40 years. I managed to speak to her widower on the phone. I'd missed her by a few months.

Thank you ‘grans’ for your thoughts and empathy - it’s so good to get your views as this is something I can’t talk freely about elsewhere. And yes Anniebach that could be hard for him to accept knowing she still rejects him.

I would suggest sending him a letter and making it very open-ended. Explain that you would like to meet him but you would understand if he is not comfortable with that. Don't bring your mother into it.

This way you're ultimately leaving the decision to him. I'd also suggest telling him that if he decides that he's not comfortable to get in contact you'll respect his decision and not contact him again.

Will he feel rejected twice by his birth mother ?, such a difficult decision for you x

Doing it through an agency gives you both an option, but be prepared for any outcome.
If you don’t do it you will always wish you had. I hope it works out well for you.