Daughter in law

I agree with chattykathy people have been hard on you. I would have been very upset if my sons had not let me know when their babies were born. It sounds as though you altered your working hours to ensure that made life easier for visiting. Of course you want to see your new grandchild. Not sure what advice to give you but good luck I hope things improve.

I do feel for you, I really do, your hurt is evident in your post. My advice comes from over thirty years of experience as a MIL to three DILs. The advice is have no expectations and you won’t be disappointed. Try to see things from your DIL’s point of view and think back to your own experience as a new Mum. Most new Mums are happy to have their own mother around to help with housework, make a meal, give advice etc, I know I was. However when my MIL visited I felt I had to rush around making sure the house was tidy and make sure there was the makings of a decent meal for her, all extra pressure. It took years before I felt comfortable enough to think she could take us as she found us. Things will work out if you let the new parents call the tune.

I have found that the most difficult thing about being a mother, is learning to stand back and let husband/wife and children take my place. I brought my two girls up on my own and we have always been close but now they are married, I am not the first person they go to. I had to learn that there are other parents who love them all just as much, and when they need me, they will be in touch.

Yes it's hard. I sometimes think they only contact me when they want something, but then they ring and off I go. It's hard for them to juggle family life with working full time and they can do without a needy parent to deal with.

One other thing, young mothers tend to prefer their own parents around when it's a new baby. Mothers of husbands, in my experience, aren't invited to get involved quite so much.

My advice: be patient but let them know you are there to help when help is needed.

As a mother of sons I have learned that I am not number one gran. My MIL was not with my children. That is the way of the world, your DIL will feel most comfortable with her mother in this stressful early days of motherhood and that is natural. You just have to accept it and be happy with the contact you have.

Oh dear, I think you’ve scared them with your giving up work to be there one day every week. What an enormous decision if you made that without them asking for it.
It’s like you were taking control.

No wonder they’re backing off big time. You set out your stall and now they’re setting out theirs. You come when we decide, not when you decide.

And I’m saying them. You seem to be at odds with your DIL

This isn’t going to end well unless you change.....

Bluebelle
In my day unless baby was a home delivery, mine were hospital arrivals, grandparents were not 'on tap' and did not appear to be in such a rush to get involved.
How times have changed.

I think you should just be patient. It's all very new to them and if your DIL is struggling she probably wants her mum there. Don't be too pushy, just let them know you are there for them. My DIL is lovely. They are doing a lot of work on their house. Her mum can turn up when they are out and do stuff in the house, but I wouldn't dream of it. We would only do it if prearranged. Mums can take more liberties than mum in laws. I think it's pretty normal and I'm not in the least offended. Your days will come I'm sure.

I feel people have been very hard on you Akenside. I don't see anywhere in your post that says you want to take over or jointly parent the baby. It's perfectly natural for you to be excited and want to be with your GD. I am a maternal GM and I know my DD goes to great lengths to treat both sets of GPs equally. This is no more than I would expect as this is the way we brought her up; to be kind and fair! I'm afraid you're going to need to get your son onside and maybe stand up for you. Surely you can say you have a day off and would like to visit? Otherwise it will have to be Saturday or Sunday. I hope it all turns out well for you

I agree with many of the posts above. I 'expected' to be involved a lot when my DGD was born 18 years ago and fortunately for me I was very involved. However, looking back I realise that she is their child, not mine and shouldn't have expected anything at all.

It's the principle though isn't it. It should be one cap fits all. Excluding one set of grandparents is not fair. It really bugs me how son's parent's always seem to get pushed out, yes yes, I know the saying and I know it's been going on since the beginning of time but that doesn't make it right.

I think dragonfly has hit the nail on the head with the word 'expectations'.
Throw all your expectations out the window and start from scratch with your mental and emotional approach to the baby. You have created spare time so do something else with it to focus your mind on.
I don't agree that you should be contacting them with offers of help, cooking food etc. They know you want to help so hold back until they ask for it.
Good luck.

Lots of unnecessarily harsh criticism here Akenside62. As the mother of a son, and from my own experience, I would say that most DILs migrate towards their own families and it will be nothing you have done to create a rift. It is hard to watch a son with whom you have been close, loosen those bonds in favour of his wife but that is the natural and necessary order of things. I can understand how you are longing to see your GC, and you will, in due course. For the moment try to remember the earth-shattering arrival of a new little life and how it was never possible to predict the enormous change in your own life. This weekend I am seeing my three GSs for the first time in three years and that has come about after DS split from his wife. All through the years of not seeng GSs I would send them birthday and christmas cards uniquely made to reflect their current interests and either money or presents according to what they wanted and now I have the opportunity to get to know them all over again. Hang in there without comment or criticism Akenside62 and have faith that you will see your little GC when the couple find their feet again. Oh and congrats to you on becming a GP!

3 weeks is very early days. I was lucky enough to be present when both my DGS’s were born because my DD’s asked me to be. I’m lucky to have been a hands on grandma ever since. The thing is you have to take your lead from the parents. We have a very similar situation now in our family (not my GC) but the new mum is recovering from a c section and apart from her own parents she isn’t ready to see anyone else yet. The point is. The way you react at this early stage will determine your future involvement with you DGC. Show an interest but keep your distance and be led by what the parents want from you. If you show understanding now, they will appreciate it in the long run. My DGC are 6 & 9 yrs now and of course there have been times when I’ve felt a bit miffed or excluded but in the main I am so lucky to have a close & loving relationship them both. There is so much ahead of you to enjoy with this baby - just be patient and above all be kind and learn to take the back seat. The parents are in control and you have to accept that. I wish you many years of joy to come with your new DGC.

Spot on bluebelle

Give it time and be patient. Daughters do naturally turn to their own mum's first. ( A son is a son til he finds him a wife....but a daughters a daughter all of her life) You must have heard of this very old saying and realise there is a lot of truth in it. Think back to when you were a young mum yourself, you probably turned to your own mum first for help and advice before MiL
That's the way it is. It is understandable that you are excited about this new baby and want to be a big part of its life, and you will...and hopefully have years ahead of you to bond with her and form a good relationship. Try and curb your disappointment of not finding out until after the baby was born as it will do no good if you let it fester inside you. Just be happy that you have a lovely new member of your family who will get to know and love you.

Someone very wise once warned me that the maternal granny is (almost) always number one granny and please don't shoot me down in flames, but there is truth there. I'm definitely number one granny with all my daughters' children but not with my son's little boy and that's fine. I have a close relationship with my DIL and spend lots of time with my GS. Perhaps OP it would help to concentrate on ways you can love and support them all from a bit of a distance, while they try to get their heads round becoming parents. Once they get their confidence, things will improve I'm sure.

Don't try to 'take over their lives' - they have to find their own way forward, and hopefully you will be part of it if you don't presume too much.

All's well that ends well.
Sometime ago, this happened to a friend of mine and she was devastated just like you. Fortunately, she did what you are doing and found a friend to share her pain with. She was advised to accept the decision with good grace and sure enough, it all turned out well in the end and 'in the parents' time,' she was invited to see the baby and later care for him on occasions.
He is now a strapping teenager who loves his 2 grandmas.

Must say I think it's unreasonable and unkind not to have allowed a visit by 3 weeks old. However expecting to be informed of a birth immediately is quite U I think. 5 hours is nothing in the immediate aftermath.

OP, it's possible that rightly or wrongly, you've made your DiL very uneasy and she thinks you're going to push hard for a level of involvement she doesn't want or is not ready for. So it's surely best to back off a bit. I still think no visit after 3 weeks is mean, though.

It's interesting that the title of the thread is Daughter-in-law as if there is some blame to be apportioned.

From your OP, it sounds as if you were being a tad overbearing, Akenside, deciding unilaterally (I presume) that you would give up your job and take over some of the care of this new grandchild, 'taking off the pressure' at weekends etc.

Perhaps waiting to be asked is the way to go, form a relationship with the other GPs.
If you contact them now, ask what they would like in the form of a present for the baby, don't decide what you think they should have, and ask when it might be convenient to bring the present over.

That could be a way forward.

Akenside62 - stop right there!!!

Do NOT get involved in Granny Wars! That way lies misery.

It is important not to make assumptions about when and how often you will be involved with this new little family. They will have their own ideas and those are the ones that matter.

As grandparents we are definitely secondary to this scenario. You need to accept this with a good grace and play the role that they need, whilst making sure you keep on with your own life.

Get on with YOUR life and let this new little family be a bit of icing on life's cake to be enjoyed as and when THEY decide, and when you are available.

There will be lots of things over the coming years that you could allow yourself to take offense over - best not to bother and take it all as it comes.

Let me give you an example. One of my DDs often invites me to go to the swimming pool with them all, but sometimes they go without me. I do not get the 'ump, but assume that sometimes they want to go just the 4 of them. That is fine. And she knows she can do that without me minding - which in its turn makes her happier about inviting me along at other times because she knows it is not an "issue."

Please try not to get off on the wrong foot, as this will create an uncomfortable atmosphere. There will be lots of fun to come if you just bide your time and think hard about your role in all this.

I too agree with Bluebell. I am in the same position as you although my son did ring the minute they got to the hospital and every hour after that even though we had arranged that he would only ring me after the birth.
We were the last to see their first child as of course her mum had to go first and then her father as they are separated. It didn't upset me as I was pleased to go anytime. I did not have expectations. When their second child was born and he was a few weeks old I was asked to go down and help. This was totally unexpected and I agreed of course. If they go away her mum is asked to come and look after the children. She is 10 years younger than me and is single. I am pleased not to be asked as I am not sure if I could cope with a 3 year old and a 3 month old.
Sorry for rambling but as a MiL you should accept what you are offered and not have expectations of how you would like it to be. If you are always pleasant and amenable they will turn to you but if you let your upset show they will dread the times they have to see you as I did with my MiL.

Step back and take some deep breaths. I am am very close to my daughters but when the first grandchild was born I was told quite clearly that this was a moment for her and her husband to share.

I do think that the most important and really useful thing any of us Grans can do is just basic practical help. Your son is doing all the right things, supporting his partner through birth and afterwards. Give yourself credit for having brought up such a lovely son. That was your job and it was well done.

But the wheel of life turns. We do need to accept that we are no longer the centre of things, we have important roles as loving support persons but we are no longer the main act. Enjoy the joy of your grandchild where all the day to day responsibility is no longer your burden but the pleasures are yours to treasure.. I look at my precious grandchildren and they are just joy incarnate. ❤️

"What can I do?".......back off, give them space. Being a grandparent is not a competitive sport.

BlueBelle has another supporter here. She puts the case far more succinctly than I probably would have. Once again I would promote the idea of building up a stronger relationship with the other GPs outside of the general one. It has worked wonderfully for me.