DIL / MIL relationship

Agree with other posters. Your house, your life, your family, your rules. Obviously the never ever giving mil a house key is now clarified. Mil has already demonstrated that she will abuse that privilige. Make it clear that you will not open the door unless she has checked with you first that it is convenient to visit. You do not have to explain to her why it may not be convenient. Allow babysitting at your house only when, and if, it suits you.

As you say the time for cosy conversations with mil has now passed but it is very important that you do have these conversations with your husband and that he understands the importance of supporting you totally. Your mil will sense any disagreement between you and use it to drive a wedge between you and your husband. Hopefully setting and consistently enforcing limits on your mil's behaviour now may save you years of conflict and pain. Your mil is a bully and bullies need to know when they have overstepped the line. Good luck. ?

Thank you for all your comments, sorry it's taken me ages to reply.
@Diktat DD is going to nursery near my work, which is an hour commute.
@Jtjade unfortunately I think the time for a sit down conversation has gone. Some of the behaviour I didn't mention before was I've witnessed her lie about a conversation she had with my BIL to cause trouble with him, my partner (partner and BIL have never gotten on) and FIL. I've also witnessed this behaviour to cause trouble between my partner and FIL. This hadn't happened for a while but has started again and means I don't want to be on my own with her as I don't know what I will have apparently said or done. The really sad thing is I'm afraid my partner would believe her over me. (Partner issue not MIL I know)

My stance now is I've really just given up. I've just asked it be mentioned if she is coming round, that way I'm prepared and can have jobs ready to busy myself with so im not around her much. She's started also turning up unannounced, if my partner's not at home I pretend I'm not either and won't answer the door. I've also made it clear if I'm not expecting someone or a parcel I won't be answering the door on my own. I'll be civil but I've lost all energy and will to make an effort. The snide comments are slowly returning and it's really sad but if I find my partner is there to witness them and doesn't start standing up for me I've lost my energy in my relationship too I know I should accept my partner and MIL for who they are and learn to accept that my partner just doesn't want to stand up to her but he is aware it upsets me and im struggling to accept the fact that doesn't make him do anything about it. I have a gorgeous daughter and she's the one my time and effort needs to go into now and making sure she is happy and not seeing an unhappy mum.

P.S. I part of me would have loved to move further away but jobs and house prices really limited options.

Your mil sounds like a nut job. Would you knowingly let a nut job care for your child? I would say no.

Who is your childcare if/when you return to work?

No babysitting until she has shown you she can respect all your boundaries.

It does appear as though she is behaving to gain access. And that isn’t a good thing because she will still openly disrespect you - and now she will be given a chance to do so in front of your child.

I would not trust her yet.

I find your house choice puzzling. A friend and husband in a similar situation deliberately bought a house an hour from her MiL, which was also difficult to access by public transport (MiL didn't drive), to stop unwanted intrusions. They then had a happy relationship with her because they were able to see her regularly, but could control when and how much.

Why on earth didn't you change the locks on your previous house?

I would recommend you spend time with her on your own, so you could have a chat about all the issues you both seem to have. Make it somewhere quiet and where you cannot be disturbed. Put the kettle on and sort it out. Do give and take.
Talk it out, you achieve nothing by staying quiet.
Be open and honest and remember it is a two way process, she probably has issues too and does not know how to get through them.
Good luck and be patient and kind.

Oh my goodness, does this lady not know how lucky she is, to have a daughter-in-law like you? She has well and truly overstepped the mark and still you accommodate her. It's such a shame that the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship has to be so difficult, but it very often is. I had a lovely relationship with my daughter-in-law. I always waited to be asked to vist, or to babysit and never interfered. Now that she and my son have separated, she has cut all ties with me completely and will not allow me to see my grandchildren, even though this is upsetting the children, in addition to them already being upset by their parents'
separation. You are ver good to keep doing what you are doing Alibr, I hope that she comes to her senses and I hope also, that your partner appreciates all your efforts, with his mother. It is not a competition between MIL & DIL for son's affection.

However nice this woman is too you....the damage has been done, and I think you know what her true feelings are....she seems a very jealous woman and seems to be being nice because it suits her....Don't EVER let her have a key to your new home.

It's amazing what majic a DGC casts over a once difficult MiL. (Still say NO to the key tho).

I've no idea why your partner didn't change the locks in his old house. He would have known what his mum is like with the waterworks being turned on to get her way.
I wouldn't let her look after baby and anyway, she might end up nosing all over your home and start changing things around in your absence.
The MiL from hell.

What does you DH think about the babysitting? Personally, it would be something I would be wary of because this is obviously a manipulative lady who will eventually have your baby's ear to bend and mind to play with. I have a mother like that and I am always happy for her to see my children but never without me or my OH being present. She just can't help herself, she has to undermine me or my husband at every turn whether they are her real views or not. It just isn't worth it the freedom of having an hour off!
Well done for the key business, nicely played. Just don't ever give her a reason to borrow yours because before you know it she'll have a copy!
I think any decisions you make should be made with your husband so you can stand united when the going gets tough. It sounds like he has her measure so I am sure you can work as a great team.

While you were still living at the first house you should have been stricter with her regarding her letting herself in and doing DIY!
I would have told her if she did it just one more time we would be getting the locksmith in and she would not be getting another key. If she thought you were bluffing then gone ahead and done it.
It does sound that she is quite controlling and likes her own way, having her son at her beck and call for quite some time before you were together is probably hard for her to get used to now .....she has to learn to share him with you in the nicest way possible way if you are all to get on well together.
If she says things such as " I won,t see you again until ? ......" smile and say yes that's right and don,t let her guilt trip you into other arrangements.
This lady needs to learn she can,t have her own way all the time ...the dynamics have changed now and she has to change with them.

You sound like an amazing DiL, absolutely lovely. I echo everything all the others have said, no key ever, no babysitting without supervision because if she can’t hold baby for more than two minutes she clearly isn’t strong enough physically to care for baby, and no worrying about her not eating your food, the same food all your friends like. It’s obviously just a way to make an unkind point, don’t raise to it, ignore totally if she doesn’t eat your food, it’s her loss.
Just carry on doing what you’re doing, but sadly I think you will have to accept that you’ll never have a really worthwhile relationship with this lady, but at least you’ll always know that you did your best, and you did the right thing by her.

Wow ! Would love to have you as my DIL
She doesn't realise how lucky she is
Keep working at it with love xxxx

You seem like you have been wonderfully tolerant of her. She is lucky you sound like a reasonable person. I suspect she is just a cross you will have to bear. Think you are dealing with her well. Take her at face value, but just be wary. Maybe she has started to realise what side her bread is buttered and she needs to behave better. You can but hope.

I experienced much the same as you. In the end, we changed the locks and didn't give her a key. She didn't like it, but at least that aspect of her behaviour stopped.

She would take our baby for a walk in the pram for an hour or so, and eventually for a day out shopping, to the park etc.

Unfortunately, she didn't change her attitude to me up until the last few weeks before her death. It was only then did she realise she had missed out on what could have been a good friendship and could have received help from me when she needed it most.

Sadly, many people are like that and just leave a trail of destruction and bad feeling behind. My DH and I have no fond memories of her, which is a shame.

I would never walk into my DS/DILs home uninvited or with a key its just not done imo.
I will however ring DIL and let her know I am in that part of town and if she has time can I pop in and visit her and DGD.
My DIL has her own circle of young mummies she see's during the week for baby activities and I understand this all part of being a MIL.
The dymanics however are totally differant with my DD I can turn up anytime uninvited buts thats the differance between mums & daughters isn't it.

I think you are right to supervise. It is a bit of a coincidence that her access has been removed and suddenly she is offering to babysit, meaning she will be alone in the house. I hope she is not as bad going forward but I second what people have said about waiting until the child can talk. Even then, children can be asked to keep secrets from parents, which I disagree with. She could undermine you this way. Try not to take it to heart. She obviously has issues and the good news is your partner and both see it. Some cannot.

Something is making me feel uneasy here. I believe in being kind to old grans so I would try to have her round often and make her feel loved BUT I am not sure I'd feel comfortable having her in sole charge of the baby until the baby can speak and let you know what happens when they're alone together. I am not sure I could 100% trust this lady to not do something weird (not talking sexual, more munchausensish, or emotional stuff)

As others have said, no key - ever! My MIL from my first marriage was manipulative and demanding. When one approach didn’t work for her, she changed tack. Fortunately my husband was well aware of this. I don’t wish to be overly pessimistic about your future relationship with her, but do be prepared for a different approach if this sudden onset of reasonableness doesn’t get her what she wants.

I don't see how your mother-in-law can baby sit if she can't physically manage the child. It's an accident waiting to happen and a definite no no in my book.
It's a good idea having her to watch over the baby whilst you are busy in the house, I think you are doing the best you can, just be patient now.

No key. A spare key is not a free pass to come and go out of someone’s house as you please. I don’t let myself into my parents’ home albeit it was also my home for many years, because its a question of respect.

If she physically struggles to lift DD, best for both their safety that they aren’t left on their own together until DD is a bit older.

Thank you for the advice. We are asking her to do short stints of babysitting whilst we are still in the house doing jobs. It wouldn't be appropriate for her to babysit on her own until our daughter has some independence with toileting etc as she struggles to pick DD off the floor and can't hold our little wriggle bum for more than a couple of minutes. I suppose time will tell if this is a genuine change of heart or not but I'll definitely take what's been said here on-board thank you

I impressed on my 3 daughters that it was important to make friends with MIL and they did, it wasn't always plain sailing but they got there.
Don't give her a key obviously, as for baby sitting, give her specific instructions, written down if needed and if she tries to change the routine you just have to correct her. It's your baby either she babysits your way or you will ask someone else, it a power play and one that you must win.
As the children get older granny doing thing differently may become a real problem so with the backing of your husband get the politics right now.

Good on you both for not giving her a key. I have keys to both my married children’s houses and they to mine. I’d never dream of letting myself in except in an emergency or if I’d been asked to.

As far as refusing to eat your food, that is just plain rude.

Keep this controlling woman at arms length. Be polite but don’t let her into your lives any more than is necessary.

She’s playing some kind of game now. Controlling people don’t change, they just change tactics.