Adoption

I have what's called 'Letterbox' contact with my adopted great-grandson. This means that, ideally, the adoptive parents send in a report once a year that is then sent to me. I had 2 reports in the first 4 years, and I have been waiting now for 4 years to get the next report. The adoptive social worker has contacted the adoptive parents numerous times asking them to please send a report, but even though the adoptive parents agree to do this, I am still waiting. Apparently, even though the Letterbox contact was approved by a judge at the time the adoption was completed, there is no way the adoptive parents can be made to send in the annual report (really a letter to say how my great-grandson is getting on). I am allowed to send birthday cards and Christmas cards (not allowed to be personalised - just a card with e.g. age on it or for a boy). These cards are then photocopied, and sent on to the adoptive parents with the hope that they will be given to the child. The photocopy is then put in my great-grandson's file which he will have access to when he is 18 years old. I am allowed to sign the cards 'Nan .........". Every couple of months I phone the Social worker to see if there has been any response to my (and their) request for the report. So far no luck. It is particularly frustrating because he had medical problems for the first few years of his life and I would like to know how he is getting on. Also, I am in remission and keeping my fingers crossed. I have never had a photo and would dearly love to have one. I keep on hoping.

As someone who was adopted at birth, I totally understand the need to know about your genetic origins and medical history. I always knew of my adoption and accepted it as a normal part of my life having no desire for further information until later on in my life. After I was 60 I discovered I had two siblings who were also adopted, one had not been told until he was over 50 resulting in quite a difficult time for him. I think it is very hard for those who aren’t adopted to understand the need for information by the adoptee, just to know answers to so many medical questions and to satisfy curiosity about family connections. Unfortunately, as most of my records were before 1950, they have been destroyed.
I had a wonderful loving adoptive family who are everything to me but that doesn’t stop a desire to know more about my origins.

If a child is aware it is adopted it is not un naturel they would want to know more about their birth mother. It could be traumatic for some to learn the reason why they were given up for adoption. I don't approve of being told had I adopted a child that he or she would have to be in contact with the birth mother. That is, in my mind a decision up to my adopted child, and only if they wanted this, and not up to social services to tell my child or myself as its adoptive parent what should be done.. The SS, as I refer to them as, have a lot to answer for over the years concerning the mistakes they have made when it comes to child welfare. They should stick to the welfare of the abused child not those who have a happy life they would have been denied were they not adopted.

Removing children from birth parents and forcing adoption is the main reason I refused a uni place to train as a SW. I agree with long term fostering for abused and neglected children but adoption stops all contact with the child's extended family which I am against. We were told SWs have to seek adoptive parents after 12 weeks in foster care. Done to save money not in the child's best interests.

Looking at this from both sides. If it is done through a third party formally ( ie: through social worker or adoption agency) it can be comforting for the birth parent to know of the child's progress, also if it's the adoptive parents who are required to do this and not the child themselves. Watching the Long Lost Family programmes on ITV just shows how heartbreaking giving up a child for adoption can be. Many of the people on the programmes were forced to give up their babies because a few decades ago society shunned mothers who had a baby outside of marriage and scandalised their families. Now we are more accepting and so there are less babies for adoption but a lot more older children who for one reason or another find themselves in this situation. From the opposite side of this it could cause anxiety to the adoptive parents but done formally it should be quite watertight. As you are now legally able to try and make contact with your birth child once they reach 18 or vice versa child to parent I think this could be more heart wrenching than the yearly updates you are required to give. It takes a big hearted person to adopt children and give them a good life and I sometimes think how they must feel when their adoptive child wants to trace their birth parents.

I think that once you agree to have your child adopted, for whatever reason, you should accept that your are giving up all rights to that child and not expect any contact until the child is 18. The adopting parent become 'the parents'. The adopted part us just the process.

Ditto 'Alreadytaken'...I'm not adopted, nor have I ever had too give a child up, but everyone deserves to know where they came from.
I have a friend who had a child when she was 15 years old. in the day her parents would not let her keep the child (because of the shame), she had no way of supporting him. he 'found' her 15 years ago. She has never tried to replace his adoptive parents, nor could she. They are the ones who brought him up, loved him and supported him. She has a very good relationship with him. He found her because he wanted to know her, his background, including medical history!

Maybe not totally relevant but something Grandmamoira said hit home with me. I was a contact supervisor for many years and did contacts regularly with parents who kept having one child after another knowing it would be taken at birth. Three families had 9 children and one had 10. All children went through the care system costing the taxpayer huge amounts in foster care (UP TO £450 per week per child), transport and supervision charges, court fees, wages of staff etc. I firmly believe that if you have 2 children taken into care you should have forced contraception (i would say sterilisation but everyone screams human rights) in the form of the 3 monthly jab.
Some parents i worked with trotted off without a backward glance after contact knowing full well that the state is paying to raise their kids, they can have regular contact and once the child is old enough to have certain freedoms there is nothing anyone can do to stop them meeting up if they wish. Job done. Most kids in care are there due to addiction, neglect or abuse as I think very few parents give child up for adoption these days if they are none of those things and can manage a child. In my experience in that job under threes were often adopted where abuse or addiction was 'incurable'.

There are some great posts here from people who know a lot more about adoption than me. All I can add is that my ex daughter-in-law was adopted and although she was told so when she turned 18 she repeatedly asked for information about her birth parents and was told by her mother that the information was there but she could only have access to it when she (her mother) had passed away. She did try to get information herself but it was over 20 years ago but the information wasn’t readily available and she had to do it secretly in case her mother found out. It seemed to me that this approach was worse than her knowing nothing at all and has definitely affected her as her relationship with her mother in adulthood was very rocky and her second marriage has recently broken down.

I don’t know if she ever found out as we have had no contact with her for many years. As has been stated everybody handles it differently but I would venture to say that withholding information and possibly blocking contact definitely adversely affected her.

This has probably been said above but anyway.

Once the child is adopted, or in the run up, a contract is drawn up. The adoptive parent has the last word on what is in it, within reason. Every year or birthday or whatever both sides send letters etc to the adoption agency, letters are checked for unsuitable content. They are then passed on to the other party.

If the adoptive parent does not want any contact at all letters from the birth parent are stored in case the child makes enquiries after the age of 18. Likewise the adoptive parent can choose not to send yearly updates to the birth parent.

I can cite 3 examples of families where one adopted child did want to know about birth parents while the other adopted sibling did not. Therefore I
do not accept the theory that the desire to know comes from negative vibes.
The long lost family scenario barely recognises the role of the adoptive parents.
Children should be told of their adoption from the very earliest stage. With my two they were the stars in a happy loving story and 40 years on can't remember 'being told'.

A friend of mine has brought up her two eldest grandchildren. The youngest two were adopted because their parents weren't capable of raising them. However my friend meets up with the youngest with the new adoptive granny. It's complicated, but the adoptive family are happy for their child to know her gran.

BBC Radio 4 did an 18 part series called The Adoption which followed a brother and sister's adoption. Each programme is between 10- 15 minutes. It gave a very good insight into these 2 children's adoption from the point of view of the parents, grandparents, foster parents, adoptive parents and social workers plus some comments from the children who were both under 4.

It was very informative, insightful, and very emotional at times. You can listen to it on BBC radio player, Radio 4, podcasts, The Adoption.

I haven't read all the posts, after reading yours Lyndiloo, I felt I had to respond straight away. One of my adult children adopted a young child, I have to tell you that once the child is legally adopted, the adoptive parents are the legal parents, and they make ALL decisions regarding that child. They do not have to write or keep in contact with the birth family at all, or in any shape or form. Yes, social workers push this agenda, in the misguided belief that this 'helps' the child. But they have NO authority to force this once the adoption is legal. My A.C. recently discontinued the occasional contact the adopted child had with a member of it's birth family as it proved to be disruptive and unsettling to the child. The child was very young when it was adopted, and had no memory of birth family members, and it was found to be unsettling it's security.

Please do not judge me for a lack of appropriate pronouns, I am endeavouring to protect my family's anonymity.

My son is nearly 16 and was adopted by us at 3, he sees his birth mum whenever we choose, usually once a year. Each case is different and I understand that the court can add clauses when the adoption is approved. For us there were no clauses, but we felt it better all round to keep contact. The meet ups are positive. Each adoption case is different so you really just need to wait and see what works for them.

In answer to your question iam64 I really don't believe you can fall weeping into the arms of someone you have never seen before whilst declaring your life is now complete. What a load of hooey. Birth parents are a totally unknown quantity to the adopted child and whilst some may go on to have some sort of relationship in many cases it just does not work for a variety of reasons.
I agree its good to clarify issues such as medical history /genetic problems but other than that biological parent is just a womb or sperm donor.
It is wrong however to tell the child they were unwanted by the biological parents.

Op you think yearly contact will remind your friends they are not the bio parents.
If they are to be good parents they will be talking about that fact a lot with any children. It wont be a hidden thing. It will be something the children always know and any question recieve honest answers.

This thread made me weep. Then I looked out of the window at the most amazing beautiful pink sky and suddenly I feel peaceful again

It is well recognised that people need to know where they come from and, even if it is bad, adopted children need to know something of their background and that their birth mother did love them but was unable to cope whether because of illness, addiction, learning difficulties or something else.
The letterbox contact also helps the birth families. It is known that some women have their children taken away as they can't cope but keep getting pregnant again and repeating the cycle. It is extremely painful to have your child taken away and not know where they are, what their name is or if they are alive or dead. This contact can help these women improve their lives.

In my view, it is about the emotional wellbeing of both the child that was adopted and the parent who gave the child up for adoption.

The programme Long Lost Family shows the heartache of women who, for a variety of reasons, felt they had no choice but to put their children up for adoption, primarily in the hope that the child would have a safer, more comfortable and secure life.

It also shows the heartache of adults who have been adopted but who know almost nothing about why their parents gave them up for adoption or indeed any other information that might be quite important for them to know.

As Bluebelle says, why is it wrong that doing this small thing to make the world a little kinder is seen by some as wrong?

My own feeling is that when adopted children express no desire whatsoever - and sometimes a great resistance - to finding out about their birth mother it is because they have picked up some fear and animosity from their adoptive parents.

I had a cousin who was adopted and her (quite old) adoptive mother used to tell her she'd been adopted because her mother didn't want her. Needless to say, she turned into a very disturbed and disruptive young woman.

I believe the current and former social workers on here have said that there would be circumstances where such a "letterbox" system would be considered inappropriate and would not be implemented.

Isabella, thanks for your moving post. I believe it’s better for children to be brought up knowing they’re adopted. Otherwise adoptive parents can struggle to know when the “relevant age” arrives. I’ve close friends who were adopted and who have themselves adopted. The research says age appropriate information when preparing children for adoption, continuing as the grow and ask questions.
As Annie says, expert opinions aren’t set in stone. It used to be thought children should be told “when old enough to enderstand”. We ask a lot of parents and imo even more of adoptive parents.

Moments........

I think it is the right of the child to know when they reach the relevant age. Assuming they want to of course. I wholeheartedly support the concept of letterbox contact and am aghast that anyone would think this should not take take place. Quite an emotional subject and I am not sure I have expressed myself too well here. Honesty, openess or transparency, whatever you want to call it, should be the order of the day.

As an adoptee I always knew I was different from the rest of my family and the relief to be proven right has been one of the most profound moment of my life.

Experts now claim tummy mummy is important to the child, at one time experts said children should never have contact with their biological mother, perhaps experts will have a different opinion in the future.

I’ve missed something soda pop, if you can be bothered, please say more about the unrealistic view of the process.