Adoption

We have young friends who adopted. They write a letter each year, but keep it brief with just important information about school etc. There is no direct contact with the birth mother and the children are not involved so it’s all straightforward.

Our adopted child is now 50+. We know that, at a young age the birth mother was forced by her parents to give the baby up for adoption. Contrary to what most adoptive parents seem to feel, I would love to establish contact with her, but our child has always shown no interest in doing so, even though we have explained what peoples’ attitudes to illegitimacy were, in those days. It grieves me to think of this poor mother, who must be in her in her late 60s now, wondering for all those years what her child’s life has been like.
It distresses me to think that she has possibly been waiting all these years to establish contact with her lost ‘baby,’ but we have to respect our child’s wishes.

The OP hasn't returned so we don't know if the responses from posters with experience as or with adopters has helped her understand that her initial views are ill informed and judgemental.

I haven't heard the phrase 'tummy mummy' in almost 40 years. The internet has had an impact on decision making but, the biggest influence has been research with adults who were adopted, with their birth and adoptive families.

Yes, it’s possible for the family to kind of “forget” you’re adopted after a while. I remember one of my grannies saying to me in exasperation “ Oh you’re just like your mother!” Except it was my adoptive granny comparing me to her own daughter.

And people often comment that my son is just like his grandfather, my adoptive father.

Maybe I have a little more experience of adoption than most
I have 5 adopted children. I DC was adopted in the 60s and there was to be no further communication between the parties. In 1990 adoption had changed somewhat and was more open. We met the birth mother of the younger 4 who could no longer look after them due to a hereditary illness. Until the adoption the judge ruled one access visit per month until the actual adoption. We were happy with this but it didnt last long as her illness worsened. From then on I took a video through the year and it was then sent to BM together with a present chosen by the children. She used to write to me and it was quite upsetting to see her detiorating. Except for the youngest they knew her although they had always called her by her name and so there was no problem with me being Mummy. We must remember very few people who adopt now will be getting a young baby like in the old days. Unfortunately similar has happened with one of my adopted DDs and two babies have been taken away at birth and luckily are with the same adoptive parents. My DD does receive photos every so often but this is all done through SS. I think it would be selfish of adoptive parents to pretend the birth mother didn't exist. I thought my adoptions were a success when their children have skills they dont and say it must come from me.

No post on GN has affected me as much as this one. How can OP presume ‘rejection’ and that the child’s mother/family ‘didn't want him/her.’. How cruel and ignorant. If I were your ‘young friend’ I wouldn’t let you near my adopted child.

It wasn't until I read this thread that I came across the term "tummy mummy".
I thoroughly dislike it and find it patronising.
My DD's adoption has also been explained to my GCs and none of us would use that term.
Birth mother/brother/sister all seem fine!I
One DD did trace and contact her birth mother but it's a very superficial relationship and there's virtually no contact. However she is on excellent terms with her birth brother.
DD2 has never felt the need!

How do they or you know that the 'tummy mummy' didn't want them? It may have been a heartbreaking decision for the birth mother, or maybe not her decision at all..

Having worked as an adoption caseworker for many years, during my forty years with social services, I have watched adoption services evolve. With the advent of the internet, closed adoption became unsustainable. Some children never give up yearning for their birth family. Most of them have characteristics that hearken back to their birth family. Especially after adolescence, there are traits, habits and gifts from birth family that perplex adoptive families. Siblings are the longest relationship that we have in life and that includes birth siblings. Genetics now often play a role in medical care. On a personal note, my niece, who was adopted 52 years ago, just found our family through Ancestry.com and was delighted to discover that her athleticism, which mystified her adoptive family, came from her birth mother. I'm an advocate for open adoption with at least one birth relative.

I had a daughter when I was 20, and during my pregnancy I was in denial, only telling my Mother when I was 6 months. I arranged through our GP to see a social worker, and went to a mother & baby home, where I stayed for 6 weeks prior to her birth at the local maternity hospital and 7 weeks after she was born. My brother drove me to the office of the adoption society where I handed her over. I was in a state of shock, as it hadn't sunk in that I wouldn't see her again. I went back home to my parents, but was absolutely beside myself with grief. I think my Mother would have allowed me to bring her home, but my Father was adamant that adoption would be better for my daughter and me. The adoption society in the first year sent me a photo and an update on her progress. I since married and had a son and a daughter. The marriage ended before my daughter was a year old. When they were in their mid teens I told them about my first daughter, as I wanted her to be able to contact me should she wish to. They were very interested and understanding. Within a very short time contact was made, as she had sought to find me through the adoption society. We met, and since then have had a really close bond and friendship, meeting for lunch, often with my second daughter - they are quite alike and get on so well. My son is interested to hear about her, but not anxious to meet. Sadly, the adoptive mother died of cancer before her daughter was 20 - she nursed her throughout her illness. However, her adoptive father is now in his early nineties - a great character - and the three of us have met for lunch on a couple of occasions. She has 2 fine sons, who my daughter and I have met, and 3 grandchildren. We are in regular touch and she has called on me when going through difficult times. I feel quite privileged that she feels able to do this. I can still remember the grief, but don't feel any regret now.

We fostered a little girl and she has been a lovely addition t our family, though not without anguish during those teenage years.

At 15 she arranged to see her birth mother (Please don't use the term 'real mother', I'm just as real!) who was in hospital with mental problems (bipolar I think). It was traumatic as or daughter rang the hospital, without our knowledge, to say she was the daughter so obviously was able to visit. She came home in a terrible state and I understand her mother was also extremely upset.

Our daughter is now in her forties and her relationship with her birth mother is settling down as she realises that she needs understanding and patience. So often her birth mother has arranged to meet and cried off at the last minute. She sent a Christmas card one year saying that she didn't want to see our daughter again and she was not to be contacted - months of misery and self flagellation on our daughter's part.

Our daughter rings us most days and over the years has given us a lot of pleasure and many laughs - she is mixed race and the only one in our village so many people have looked at our sons and us and jumped to entirely the wrong conclusion. Our daughter also enjoys the joke when she introduces us as her parents.

I wouldn't change anything but cold shivers run down my back when I remember coming across her birth mother the local market. They both recognised one another instantly though they had not met for a dozen years - since her birth. I had no idea who this stranger was so when my daughter asked me I had to suggest that she asked the lady herself. The reply was electrifying and he aisle cleared.

These relationships are not predictable and can be life changing so care needs to be taken - especially with SWs who see quite cavalier. It is probably an everyday experience for them but to us, the participants, it affects all of us for months and we have to cope with the problems and distress in children who have not got the life experience to get things into perspective. They cannot understand the birth parent's ambivalence; so much regret, self blame, shame to come to terms with.

Good luck to everyone who adopts, fosters or is adopted or fostered. I wish you all the tolerance and resilience you will need and hope things turn out well for you too.

I began fostering at the age of 60, because it was something I'd always wanted to do and age didn't stop my longing. It was only then that my life was suitable to take it on. It was the best ten years of my life. It wasn't adoption, but similar. I fostered 8 to 17 year olds including siblings. The children were mostly section 20, which meant they were handed over by the parents for all sorts of reasons for not being able to cope. All the children needed to be reassured that their birth parents loved them and that it wasn't their fault they were in foster care. I had close contact with most of the parents and saw their side of things. It was very humbling seeing into their lives.

Sitting and talking to children and giving them the right perspective as to why they lived with me and not their families did wonders, age appropriately obviously. Many went back to their families, but all were constantly in contact with siblings where possible and appropriate. I don't think it's ever wise even after adoption to separate siblings from each other depending on each case obviously. All situations are different. Natural families are very important to us all and I don't think unless there is obvious danger that any child should be separated from siblings. You can't replace the years lost after say 30 years of separation. That time can't be replaced.

Lyndi how dare you imply the natural mother does not want the baby. That is so judgemental. You don't know that to be true.

In this day and age of abortion being so much easier to have not wanting the child could be done that way.

I have a situation of this in my family which I am not going into all the details of however adoption is certainly not as black and white as you make it out to be.

A mom who has carried her baby full term today has to have very good reasons to give them up.

A child has every right to know his/her background and make decisions when they grow up.

With your attitude I am very glad it's not you wanting to adopt

I was adopted, my parents did nor tell me. I found out when I was 25.
This was only because I had a still birth and the medical staff needed to know my biological family history. I wish they had told me.

Camelotclub - how I agree with you. Why can't we all just use Jane Austen's phrase "natural child". I don't think she coined it, it was the usual expression in her day.

I detest the use of "baby talk" of this kind,

My younger sister was adopted, I am our parents' natural child, but after me they realized that they would probably not be able to have more babies "of their own". My sister always knew she was adopted. In those days there was no possibility of contact with her biological mother.

As an adult she swithered for years as to whether she should or should not try to trace her biological mother and finally decided not to. My parents made it very clear to her that they thought it entirely natural she would want to know the circumstances of her birth and meet the woman who was her natural mother and that they would not be hurt at all if she did try to trace her.

Obviously, I don't know what my parents would have chosen had contact with the biological mother been possible when they adopted my sister.

I can say that when we were children my sister never asked about her biological mother or seemed particularly interested in the fact that she was adopted. And I would have known it if she had been curious, as I would have been the first person she spoke to about it.

We children were told that her mother had loved her, but had not been able to marry her father and had known she could not, as an unmarried mother in the 1950s give her child the life she wanted her to have and that she deserved and that was why she had given her up for adoption. My sister was told that with me and my brother, who died within seven hours of his birth, our parents had to take what they got as always when you have a baby yourself, but my sister was special as they chose her among four or five other babies because she was the most adorable.

Daddy especially felt that adopted children should be brought up knowing they were adopted, as the shock of discovering it as an adult, or whenever a child poking into a drawer came across the adoption papers could do untold damage.

My sister was my sister (she died of cancer two years ago) she could not have been more my sister (or I hers) if we had been born of the same parents, and I felt hurt on her behalf, when she had to bring along the adoption papers when we were settling first Mummy's and later Daddy's estates. I felt that she was legally my sister, and at that late date the fact that physically we were born of different people should not have mattered.

Frankly, I feel contact between the adult parties to an adoption is more for the benefit of the natural mother than for either the adoptive parents or the child concerned. Most women who have lost a child, whether by given him or her up for adoption, to death or by electing for an abortion are always going to have days where they think "What if?" Knowing you have a child somewhere and not knowing how that child is, must be horrible, so I understand the suggestion of contacting the natural mother once a year or so with information. Only the woman concerned can know if that helps her or the reverse.

Tummy Mummy?

What a vile, nauseating expression!

Panache
Surely your birth mother would not have been given the address of your (adopted) life mum. I thought that, even decades ago, the adoptive parents had to be asked at the outset whether they wished in future to be contacted by the birth mother and that would be through an intermediary.
I have a 71 year old friend who was fostered at birth and adopted at 1yr old via the Church of England fostering and adoption society. The aforementioned procedures were adhered to.

Soda pop, thanks for clarifying. Those long lost family programmes crank up emotion as what they believe is good tv. I dislike using real people in that kind of programme. It’s a bit too like reality shows for me.

Sazzle its a relief you didn’t take up the training isn’t it, if you have such negative and incorrect beliefs about the job. Adoption isn’t decided at twelve weeks. It’s advised that the Independent Review considers at that stage whether adoption may be a possible ourcome on conclusion of care proceedings. The government attempts to speed up the assessment process have not been met by social workers who, believe it or not, have a duty and in most cases, an absolute desire to help families stay together. Pre care proceedings, all efforts will have been so directed. So if, for example, parents have had help with substance addiction, poor chaotic, neglectful or abusive parenting and things aren’t showing any hope for positive change then the IRO will look at all options, including parents, extended family, long term Foster car, adoption. Children do better in permanent families, which is what adoptive parents seek to provide. There are some excellent Foster carers but children who can’t grow up in their birth family deserve the best we can find and that is not moving backwards and forwards between neglectful or abusive parents and endless foster homes (no disrespect to foster carers)

It’s very easy for a small number of posters to entertain themselves by referring to Social Services as the SS. The reality is, working with children and families can be as exhausting and sad as it is rewarding and positive.

Reading the many and varied responses to the OP gives some idea of how individual each situation is. Good social workers, regardless of targets and government interference, will always have the very best interests of the child at the forefront of their decision making - as the law requires them to do. I have delivered adoption training to would-be parents, matched adoptive parents to children in care, given ongoing (lifelong in the case of the agency I worked for) support to families following adoption and have delivered the counselling legally required before reuniting birth parents and their adult adopted children. Again the agency I worked for enabled me to provide ongoing support during the latter process. None of my adoptions ever broke down, in spite of the children being categorised as 'hard to place' - and until recently I still received cards and letters from some of those families I worked with. I can honestly say that no two situations followed the same path - and this is why it's necessary to continue to listen to all parties involved in the adoption process and to have regard to the body of evidence that exists to inform best practice. The other point that I'd like to stress is that social workers are not in the business of supplying children for adoptive families, but in finding a suitable family for the child; a subtle, but important difference.
Someone made the point up thread about the huge amount of money it costs to keep a child in care; I can only say that if some of that money went towards targeted prevention we wouldn't have so many children in care in the first place.

My experience of adoption is that if, likethe OP, you think there will be problems there undoubtedly will be.

And if you treat the letter as a yearly something that has to be done, a bit like writing the Christmas thank you,then that is what it will be. 20 or30 minutes out of a whole year.

I always had contact with my birth parents family. Some of them I liked and I see them now and again, some I never met and never will.

The people I grew up with are my close family.

Knickas63. I know I would have gone through hell and high water to keep the child I had given birth. Many do not have the option other than allow their child to be adopted. Were I one who gave up my child would not stop me wondering where he /she was.Were they happy had they made a success of their life. Unless my child came looking for me I would never have gone looking for him/her as I gave up my rights as a parent to that child many years ago and what effect would my appearance have on my child's adoptive parents?

Attitudes have changed greatly since I was adopted in 1943. No contraception to speak of and as other posters have mentioned, shame was a great factor in unwanted pregnancies. In my case I was the result of a "one night stand" - birth mother's husband away in the war.
When he found out he said he would have his wife back but not the baby so at 3 weeks of age I was adopted.
Apparently when I was 4 years old there was an afternoon radio programme about adoption and I was listening with my adoptive mother and she told me that I had been "chosen".
However, adoption still carried a stigma and several family members treated me differently from their blood relatives so I always felt awkward.
My adoptive mother was paranoid about me not trying to contact my birth mother and , until her death, I felt no urge. I did trace my original birth certificate , no father listed so only 50% knowledge of medical history would have been available.
I decided that, as I had been a "mistake" and there was probably a grown up family between my birth mother and her husband, I considered it cruel to unearth their mother's past and perhaps destroy relationships.
I have never regretted this. My adoptive parents were Mum and Dad and gave me a good start in life for which I am grateful.
Times have changed and I can only comment how I felt and still believe this over-emotional search for a birth mother could have devastating results for all concerned.

My nephew and his wife have adopted two boys who are brothers. They write to their birth mother once a year which is the adoption law now.
They are quite happy to write once a year.

In case anyone is wondering, his mum was too young to cope and I was not well enough to take care of him and other family members were not in a position to help. I just felt the need to justify why he was adopted. Not really necessary I know, but it still upsets me very much.