Anyone having major anger outbursts with 75 year old DH?

This sounds like classic gaslighting (which I realise is a bit of a cliché now).
Being just nice enough so that you stay but nasty enough so that your life is unpleasant. It is manipulative, controlling behaviour.
There is a site called Gaslighting for Dummies which is quite good at defining it and it may be easier to deal with once you realise the methods they use.
Ultimately the advice they give is that no one person is worth losing your sanity for. You have to decide how bearable this is and how much you are going to be able to rein it in.
Don't let him stop you from building up a separate life outside the home by his reaction to it. It is hard enough to do that when you get older without letting someone undermine your efforts.

Kate - this is so hard to live with. I agree with others, that this is not about you. You are not perfect of course! No one is, but his behaviour seems to me to be his projecting on to you some inner struggle and doubts about himself. This is no reason for you to live with it. My first husband behaved in just this way too and before we split up he once said "It has been so hard being me, that I've never thought what it must have been like for you". Actually, in the end he was ignoring or insulting me in front of others too. So I have no doubt that he was suffering, but so was I. I hope you can find a way to deal with it, as it sounds as if your marriage is otherwise well worth staying with. I wonder if it would help you to find a counsellor, or a life coach, or psychotherapist to talk to, to help you see a way ahead. I hope it works out well for you both.

Google 'Grumpy old man syndrome'. You will find a host of studies on this subject - and some explanations. It seems to be affected by the decline of testosterone in men as they grow older.

I have noticed DH getting ratty as he gets old. I often have to stand between him and other people he has to deal with as his approach is quite confrontational. A complete change from what he used to be. He says it is because he is no longer prepared to let people walk over him. I just mutter GOMS under my breath, and take the lead in the discussion.

Many of my female friends who have 'retired ' lead very active lives . They are out and about leaving partners in the garden or watching TV .Many men tend not to want the same as us women .Maybe a weekend away together where there is at least a pool and shops close by . Out of the home may be the best venue to tackle head on what you could both do to make life better for yourselves.

Keep saying to yourself...it’s not me...when he starts don’t argue just say if that’s how you feel I am off out for the day or just walk away from him. Make your own life and just ignore him. He seems to be an emotional bully and thinks women are the under dogs.

Thanks Yellowmellow for the 'Queenbeing.com 'advice. This sounds just like my husband!

Personally I would ask him if it makes him feel more of a man by continuously browbeating you ? Or ask him that if he finds you so clearly inadequate should you just divorce ? Shock tactics sometimes work ! I divorced my 2nd husband for mental cruelty because of this continuous criticism, vile temper tantrums etc when all I ever did was try to help and support him.

Please read up on Narcissism and Narcissistic traits. Many women (and men) have partners who have these traits. There is a fantastic website run by Angie Atkinson...Queenbeeing.com for anyone who thinks they are or have been a victim of Narcissistic abuse.

36 hours of silence Kate.... you're not a stoic then. My miserable husband didn't speak to me for three weeks because I forgot one day to make his packed lunch before I took the two kids to different schools ( all walking) and then got the bus to do work for 8.5 hours and coming home to cook the dinner when he'd been in after his 5 hour shift sitting on his arse doing bugger all. Kids being picked up by friend because it wasn't his job!!! Anybody wanna swap that!??

Next time he gives you the silent treatment try shocking him. If it was me I would secretly book myself into a hotel and disappear for several days. Let your family know you are safe but tell the nasty sod nothing. Just go. Maybe a few days of worrying about you might make him think.

Adore DH, but as his health deteriorates (we've always known he wasn't going to make old bones), his temper gets ever shorter, and he blames me and DS for everything. We know it's just his pain shouting at us and not him, but not easy. Fortunately DS and I are on the same side and can support each other. But would suggest you persuade your DH to have a check-out at the quack's - maybe he's got some issue that can be easily sorted and he's imagining the worst, so worrying about it.

Poor Kate! My DH can also be like that at times. He used to go quiet for hours too, but TG doesn't do that now.
I try to argue back but he's got a louder voice. It could be a kind of depression, as others have hinted.
I once read a story about a married couple, after many years she revealed that she'd had a baby pre marriage, never told him, and he was very angry. Stopped talking to her as a 'punishment' .
I think you could be right about the attitude to women in older men.

He loves gardening and we have a veg patch in the back garden ( so no social contact)), he’s interested in F1 (on TV) and enjoys reading (books and internet items) -so all exclusive .
He doesn’t want me to “interfere” with any of this, so I’m pushed away (I see this as rejection) and he gets angry if I “interrupt”, even to ask if he’d like a cup of coffee!!! He speaks very quietly and I often can’t hear what he says, then he's angry if I don’t hear him first time. It’s a mess. He’s a good grandad, though often harsh with our daughter-not so with our son. Woman hater?

Therein lies the key, perhaps. Probably unhappy. You have a lot of interests and outside friends whereas he is relying on you for company. I can imagine you coming home longing to chat more about the book you have been discussing, what you have been involved in at NWR (National Women’s Register?) or learning at U3A, things that maybe he is just not interested in (hence the accusations of babbling) or maybe even be a bit envious or resentful. Meanwhile he has been doing what - other than getting annoyed that you are not home with him?

I know that a lot of men have solitary hobbies (does yours?) but I still believe that we all need some external contact beyond partners and family and an opportunity for conversation that interests and stimulates us.

Women are very good at forging social circles. Men far less so. It’s one of the reasons the Men in Sheds movement is growing apace. That said one can’t force someone to go out and get involved in activities. What kinds of things does your husband enjoy doing?

No he’s not interested in groups. Happy (unhappy?) with his own company I guess. I thought he was also happy with my company but very often not
so. He meets up with a couple of old work colleagues about four times a year. I’ve tried to suggest he joins a group but if’s not his thing

Does your husband do the same, Kate? Does he go to any interest and hobby groups and have friends he socialises with?

The rejection thing IS the silent treatment. It can last for 36+ hours and makes me unhappier and nervy. Then he’ll decide to talk and I’m supposed to respond, forget what’s gone before and “not sulk”. By then I’m usually so angry that I ignore him

Yes I try to make space and have joined groups -reading group,NWR,U3A to get out of the way, and also make arrangements to meet up with friends for lunch when he’s being like this. THEN he changes , like switching a light switch on, and he gets irritated and sulky because i’m not available when HE wants to do things together. He is actually fun to be with when we’re both in step.That’s why I put up with it all but really it’s like treading on egg shells -I can never gauge when the next blast is going to happen. This is helping loads to write this down. Thanks everyone

I think it would take the wind out of his sails if instead of fighting back, which he's probably wanting you to do, Kate, you simply respond with something like 'I'm sorry you think that,' then swiftly move on.

Kate, I suggest that you mention it to the gp to rule out anything untoward.

Nice to see you.

I’ve been thinking a little more about this and wonder too whether it may be a response to changes in society.
Everywhere seems so much more crowded and noisy nowadays especially with people talking on their mobile phones so much. People seem to speak very loudly to one another on trains and buses, in cafes, pubs and restaurants. I used to love to read a book on the train or in a cafe and just chill out. Nowadays, I find it harder and harder to filter out other people’s noise. Coming home to my quiet house where I live alone is bliss.

I agree that we take our frustrations out on our nearest and dearest and while I am not suggesting for one minute that Kate changes the way she is maybe she and her husband just need a bit of space from one another.

We always take out our frustrations on our nearest and dearest it seems. There is no need for you to put up with it though Kate The time has come to face it and see if there is any underlying cause. I am intolerant as well and often snap at my husband then regret it moments later. I am trying to correct this trait in myself.

Of course you are midgey

Gosh Lemongrove.....I am perfect unlike DH.
Seriously Kate, I would say that he is worried about something either himself or you? That’s how it works in our house!

A lot of men do seem to become Victor Meldrew when older, maybe the loss of importance ( no job) and too much time on their hands.On the other hand he could have always been a miserable so and so and being older makes it worse, you carry on chatting Kate13 it’s not you it’s definitely him but if he is a good DH it’s worth putting up with IMHO.
Anyway, we all have our own irritating quirks no doubt.