Anyone having major anger outbursts with 75 year old DH?

Don't put up with it, Kate. My DH has many health problems at the moment and has recently had a lengthy spell in hospital. His outbursts are never aimed at me directly but usually about something I could have had some control over like not being able to find a pair of socks - he blames the house

I fire back, he apologises and normal service is resumed.

I obviously make allowances for his anxiety over his health but I'm not going to be a martyr or a doormat.

merlotgran wish you could bottle your attitude I would buy a bottle that's for sure*

How are things Kate. Are you ok?

Thanks annep
Have managed to stay out of the house today so far but it’s tiring and lonely. Decided to try Gymophobics and had an introduction hour. Not for me though. Again it’s an “on your own” thing. Might as well go swimming, it’s cheaper!
I’m ok , having plenty of time to chew things over and his rage has stopped (for now).

Busy tonight (NWR) and I have a U3A meeting tomorrow morning. Goodness knows what the weekend will bring... chin up eh?0

Have you told him that it is his behaviour that is driving you out of the house?

It's not uncommon as we age. Both men and women go into the "rage/insult" phase as their self control areas in the brain deteriorate. I live with mine as well and it is very hard to be insulted, spoken to as if you re the enemy and even have that in public. I don't know if there is an answer to the problem short of leaving and starting a life for yourself. I don't plan to take that option. I take each day at a time, I'm learning to take each incident at a time and let it go. I treat it as an illness and try to not to scream back. I scream back often and it becomes a war zone here and so as I said, I'm starting to take a different approach. It's early days yet and my stength comes from seeing other couples, our age, going through it. I think it's worse for men because they have never had to learn the self control most women who have had children learn and so the men have less self control strength and therefore get angrier more quickly. Best of luck.

As I said earlier my DH went through a similar phase but it turned out that diabetes, as well as other health issues, was the cause and we’ve come out the other side. The diabetes is now under control and he has come to terms with not being as fit and strong as he was. I’m lucky too that we’ve always been able to talk problems through. So it can pass.

Yes I’m going to stick with it and will try to leave the war zone. Very difficult not to retaliate but it just makes things worse. When he is calm, things tick over quite tolerably but I can never judge when or where the next outburst will happen. That’s the stress of it all. If I could see it coming I think I could deal with it in s fifferent way. Get out of the way quick, for example.

I put up with the silent treatment for years not even knowing why he was acting that way as he refused to discuss the problem without a huge argument. I then realised he was using the silent treatment as a means of controlling me and I then decided two can play at that game so I just ignored him and stopped preparing his meals, doing his washing and clearing up after him thinking the worse he could do was divorce me, which he had threatened to do, until I said that would be fine as I really didn’t want to live with his controlling behaviour. Things have since improved. Try it, what have you got to lose?

Hello everyone
world war three just started here, after a week of silences. I made his dinner (bad move) and he bellowed at me to “go away and throw it in the bin.” Another bad move -I did. He came back ten minutes later to eat it , couldn’t find it if course, and the torrent of anger began
for real. I can’t take much more of this but I don’t see why I should move out of the house.
I know I’ve got to make my own decisions but it really does help to talk to you all.

So sorry thing have not improved for you Kate13 must be very hard living like that.
Have you found any reason for his behaviour?
I can understand you saying that you don't see why you should leave but you are so unhappy is it worth staying ?. I left and took nothing with me, its hard starting again but I was so much happier without all the stresses.

That was very brave sodapop. I keep thinking of it but I’ve worked just as hard as he has for this bungalow and why should I be the one at my age (71) to up and go? The trouble is we’ve lived in each other’s pockets for 47 years, joined at the hip but this anger and verbal abuse -where is it coming from?

Stay safe Kate13. Get out fast if necessary. Might be a good idea to have a small bag packed and a plan of how/where to go if he should suddenly become physically violent. Even without a history of such, it can happen.

I think perhaps you should speak to your GP, there may be something else going on here. If nothing else they may be able to point you in the direction of some support.

I really feel for you. It sounds as if the situation is getting worse. Why don’t you see a solicitor to find out what your options are?
Especially in cases of domestic abuse- and this sounds like gaslighting/ emotional abuse, it is far from certain that it would be you who would have to leave the house you love.
But even if you did, you would surely walk away with half the value,and half the pensions, and 71 is not too late to start again and be content.

Similar problems here re eggshells , mood swings and hurtful comments, but your situation sounds intolerable. As others have suggested, you should see your GP if only to put your side of the story - in case he has told the GP that you have a problem.

Yes Atqui thank you. It’s precisely that - eggshells. Never knowing whether a criticism or snide comment or just bad mood is round the corner. I’ve got a doc’s appt on Tuesday so will talk to her then. She knows all about it and put me on Citalopram “to take the edge off” which it doesn’t. At the moment I haven’t anyone to chat with - DS &DD on holiday - and I’ve had a tummy bug (either that or it’s nerves, I keep being sick) so probably have no fight because of that. I’ve lost 10lbs since last Saturday!! Good thing? Probably...

I don't know how many rooms you have in your bungalow, but could you make a room into a sitting room for yourself? Have your own TV etc. Put a lock on the door.
I also think that sukie is right and you need to keep yourself safe. If he can't make you miserable with his sulking and moodyness, then he may well try another way.

If he doesn't enjoy your meals, stop cooking them for him and tell him why. Don't put yourself down by thinking that losing 10lbs is probably a good thing, you have got him to put you down, don't do it to yourself.

And see a solicitor.

Just joined this grans net site probably to find "help" with same issues. What a relief to see I do not suffer alone. So sorry that we women after so many giving years have to receive this behaviour. What gives them licence to treat us like it? When my DH got cross be cause I drove the car to a venue he needs to be at, a different way to what he would! He just flipped and shouted at the grandchildren so loudly "shut up " I did turn on him and told him of for having such a bad mood and temper towards me. This episode was the final crunch.... silent for days I sit away from him and avoid him as I seem to be the one who irritates him constantly. He is jolly jolly to any one else just a jekly and Hyde situation. Such peace. Now he wants to 'carry on as "normal"'.HELP

Welcome Superqueen - sorry you’re suffering the same as a lot of us. When I put the question to gransnet I thought I alone had to struggle with this problem and was hoping for a bit of support from maybe a few grans, but all these ladies have been amazing and helped me so much. At least you know you’re not alone. No need to fill you in about my DH as it’s all there for you, but the support from the group is amazing. And it’s on-going

Thanks you so much. I feel I have exhausted my friends with this and to find GN has been a tonic . if I go out for the day with a friend, on return I receive silence and dis interest , head in the newspaper or smart phone. The finance issue and family breakup at senior years keep a lot of us from leaving totally . Just wait for the enevatable . HOPE I AM NOT FIRST ?Z

Have you thought about separating your lives? Separate bedroom,a separate sitting room, that just leaves the kitchen and bathroom to cope with.
Then with you organising your days out, maybe he will stop and think about his behaviour.

Of course the alternative might be that he wants out of the marriage and he’s trying to get you out of the house, that way he can go to the family and say that you’ve left him. Poor thing.
Please don’t hit the bottle though.

To Kate and Superqueen -
Losing self control like that sounds as if your husbands could be starting to deteriorate mentally. It happens to most of us if we live long enough, at different ages and in different forms.
Not that this any comfort.
So I agree, discuss it with your GP. But it would be harder to persuade husbands to see the GP.

Wish it were that easy Fennel. That’s the last place he’d go and he won’t discuss anything. “It’s not his fault, nothing is and he’s always right”.
You’ve frightened me talking about mental deterioration.