Anyone having major anger outbursts with 75 year old DH?

Personally I would ask him if it makes him feel more of a man by continuously browbeating you ? Or ask him that if he finds you so clearly inadequate should you just divorce ? Shock tactics sometimes work ! I divorced my 2nd husband for mental cruelty because of this continuous criticism, vile temper tantrums etc when all I ever did was try to help and support him.

Thanks Yellowmellow for the 'Queenbeing.com 'advice. This sounds just like my husband!

Keep saying to yourself...it’s not me...when he starts don’t argue just say if that’s how you feel I am off out for the day or just walk away from him. Make your own life and just ignore him. He seems to be an emotional bully and thinks women are the under dogs.

Many of my female friends who have 'retired ' lead very active lives . They are out and about leaving partners in the garden or watching TV .Many men tend not to want the same as us women .Maybe a weekend away together where there is at least a pool and shops close by . Out of the home may be the best venue to tackle head on what you could both do to make life better for yourselves.

Google 'Grumpy old man syndrome'. You will find a host of studies on this subject - and some explanations. It seems to be affected by the decline of testosterone in men as they grow older.

I have noticed DH getting ratty as he gets old. I often have to stand between him and other people he has to deal with as his approach is quite confrontational. A complete change from what he used to be. He says it is because he is no longer prepared to let people walk over him. I just mutter GOMS under my breath, and take the lead in the discussion.

Kate - this is so hard to live with. I agree with others, that this is not about you. You are not perfect of course! No one is, but his behaviour seems to me to be his projecting on to you some inner struggle and doubts about himself. This is no reason for you to live with it. My first husband behaved in just this way too and before we split up he once said "It has been so hard being me, that I've never thought what it must have been like for you". Actually, in the end he was ignoring or insulting me in front of others too. So I have no doubt that he was suffering, but so was I. I hope you can find a way to deal with it, as it sounds as if your marriage is otherwise well worth staying with. I wonder if it would help you to find a counsellor, or a life coach, or psychotherapist to talk to, to help you see a way ahead. I hope it works out well for you both.

This sounds like classic gaslighting (which I realise is a bit of a cliché now).
Being just nice enough so that you stay but nasty enough so that your life is unpleasant. It is manipulative, controlling behaviour.
There is a site called Gaslighting for Dummies which is quite good at defining it and it may be easier to deal with once you realise the methods they use.
Ultimately the advice they give is that no one person is worth losing your sanity for. You have to decide how bearable this is and how much you are going to be able to rein it in.
Don't let him stop you from building up a separate life outside the home by his reaction to it. It is hard enough to do that when you get older without letting someone undermine your efforts.

Kate13. Don't try and fight it. No matter how much your attempts to 'humour' DH, but say he is not like this with others, then I am of the opinion there are issues going on within in him which he cannot help, and as the one nearest to him you will be the one he is venting out his frustrations. His history which you have explained ie bolshy is his character. Were you able to have a one to one on how his conduct is affecting you then relate or marriage guidance would be something you should both consider how ever he is in denial, It's not him but you. This indicates there are more serious issues which need help from his GP or a visit without DH as your own health will suffer if you continue to put up with this situation.

I like the idea of the OP taking herself off for a few days! As long as he wouldn't take revenge by changing the locks...

Other than that, OP, I know it would be very hard, but when he's being so difficult or giving you the silent treatment, would it be at all possible to keep a placid smile on and act as if you haven't even noticed/don't care?

Having said that, I do have lots of sympathy, since a friend's Dh was like this - no end of a good bloke to just about everyone else, but so often very grumpy, snappy and irritable with her - not to mention very selfish. Dh and I were about the only outsiders who knew what he could really be like - to everyone else he was 'good old X, jolly old X'.

It was only after he'd died and other very well hidden matters came to light, that it dawned on us that he'd been exhibiting classic narcissist behaviour.

I suggest you get a Helex or workaway companion to stay with you for 2 or 3 weeks to do a useful job either to work with you painting and decorating a room or something in the garden.

www.helpx.net/

www.workaway.info/

I actually got my husband to manage these 2 sites. so that he can pick people to help in the garden & house. Helpex is an Italian aged 35 visiting a local friend so as it is Sunday has prepared the sauces for a lasagne, is out for the day, will come back with her friend and we have invited them to stay to the evening meal the Italian Helpex person is cooking.

Husband has to chat nicely to his helpers or they pack up and go to another place.

I am doing my hobbies - painting, writing etc.

This keeps the home atmosphere interesting.

My Dh goes through patches where I can do nothing right, noticed by other people as well. I am laid back, he isn't, and thus is him feeling resentful for 'having to do everything' (he doesn't). I take a while to realise he's doing it, then I snap! He sulks like your DH. Tell him you won't put up with it, other people notice and that if he doesn't stop it you will leave! You don't deserve this! Take yourself off for a week and let him stew! I also found the silent treatment works both ways! My hubby has improved, and it rarely happens now, but he gets both barrels if it does!

thank you yellowmellow for that site .my sons wife suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and my son suffers so much
we are estranged because o fher behaviour
iam so thankful i found gransnet -and peace for my anxious heart

Yes my husband even blames me for his deafness and says I mumble. Mind you he doesn’t get away with it.

My DH grew more into "Victor Meldrew" as he got older, my DD nicknamed him "Grumpy", after he died I saw a Dwarf Rhodedendron named "Grumpy", I had to buy it & it's flowering (very prettily) at the moment.

Men do "internalise" their problems & then hit out at the ones they love rather than voicing their fears (rational or irrational). Hell to live with at times.

Have you tried telling him that this behaviour worries and upsets you? Reading this, I get the feeling this is a new thing. I understand you are wondering how best to deal with it, but coming right out and telling him that he is being a pain in the neck and that you have no intention of being spoken to so rudely might just work.

My DH sometimes makes remarks I consider hurtful or just not funny, but which were meant as jokes. I realised a long time ago that if I don't tell him I don't find them funny than I can't really expect him to stop making them, can I?

Some husbands and wives seem to think it is all right to be rude to each other, to me this is sheer bad manners. If your DH's parents spoke to each other like that, he may just feel it is the normal way for a man to speak to his wife!

Mine was like that for years, ever since he was early middle age.
Now separated and have never been happier.
Financially things are quite tight but wouldn't swap the peace and freedom for anything.

Time to 'put up' rather than 'shut up' now Kate? Trial separation maybe? - clarify your feelings and his..

I would not spend the last chunk of my life living with a man who treats me like a doormat.
I would ask him to either change his behviour himself or go to see the doc about it, or would tell him I am leaving. Honestly I would rather live in a caravan than stay with him to be treated thus.
I am not advising you to do this Kate as I know people's priorities do differ. That would be me though.
We have one life.

Just walk out of the room, and say you'll return when he can behave in a civilised manner. Perhaps he just doesn't like getting old, but so what? That's something we all have to come to terms with.

I recognise this, and you don't have to put up with it. Basically it's emotional abuse. He needs training. (Or is it retraining.) There's always divorce if this proves an impossible task. Good luck.

Kate, you say your H uses hurtful, mean words towards you. You mention his 'rejection', prolonged silences, how you are chastised for 'interrupting' him or 'interfering'. These are all abusive behaviors that in some instances can be considered bullying.

From your posts however, it doesn't sound like these are new behaviors. What may be new is that you are now realizing you never deserved to be treated this way in the first place...and you would be right!

Giving someone the silent treatment is classic passive aggressiveness. Doing it for 36 hours borders on the pathological. You are being 'punished' for your (perceived) transgressions. You can be ignored and made to 'suffer' until HE deems you worthy of renewed attention. That is passive, (non- verbal) emotional abuse.

Only you can decide if you've had enough and what to do about it.

When? As soon as possible. How? A competent therapist can point you in the right direction and give you some practical advice (you already have adapted a few of your own coping strategies). By all appearances it's your H that is going to need most of the help.

I wish you the best,
Willa

My DH was similar for a while. Very similar. He was also thirsty and drinking more, which led to him getting up in the night more often, which meant he was more tired. That’s what he thought. But these were all independent symptoms .... of age related diabetes 2. A change of diet and he’s much better. In fact he’s lovely to be with now.

(It came to a head while we were on holiday and he had a bit of an episode which was scary. Otherwise he wouldn’t never have gone to the doctors.... nothing wrong with him! It may be worth having a word with your doctor first as it could be a symptom of something else)

Why don't you just tell him when he's not talking to you for a few days that you are going to stay with a friend | Relative for a good chat while he finishes sulking? Even B &B if there is nobody you could go to. Might make him think twice about appreciating you - worth a try.

Yes Kate 13 I suffer the same rude behaviour. I've put up with it for almost 48 years but is getting worse.Not sure how much more I can take. Answering back ony makes it worse, I'm stupid, don't know anything etc. Too late to get out now??

Oh dear, this seems to be my day for Gransnet posts to
match my life.
I’ve known for a long time that it’s not me but there is still
the day-to-day drudge. And if I touch on the issue all I get
is “what’s your problem, i’m Ok?”
We all have choices, and I have chosen for now to make
the most of my life, be there for him but keep a distance
because I don’t want to get hurt anymore.
It’s all about being strong for your own wellbeing but have some compassion too.
Wishing you all peace and contentment ??