Gone off in a huff

radicalnan - others may accuse you of being harsh. I suspect you know a thing or two about phobias

You seem very minded to hang on to that phobia.......I hope you can hang on to your husband given that he has made his perfectly reasonable position clear. Perhaps he has a phobia about wanting a wife who supports him in his family relationships?

Your phobia is your own pet, if you continue to feed it with happy relationships and your own sanity, it will be a very big pet indeed.

Maybe you can grow accustomed to being around a dog by visiting your mum in law, knowing that the dog is safely away. You'd be killing two birds with one stone.

I think if someone is brave enough to come on here and ask for support or advice, that's exactly what they should get. There are enough examples in these pages of people with a fear or phobia of dogs, birds and spiders and lots of good suggestions for fixes that there is no one solution for everyone, but belittling the problem might discourage that person and others from posting in future. Good luck on Sunday Minxie.

Mawbroom
I don’t go to parks. I don’t have grandchildren and my Mil is not elderly or infirm. Quite the opposite and again I’m not being silly.

Go they are doing their bit to meet you half way I'm not surprised your half is in a huff at least make some attempt to conquer your fear

??

I think it is really a bit silly to have reached the years of discretion and claim to be afraid of dogs.
What do you do out in the park with your grandchildren? If you fuss and flap you are going to encourage them in an irrational fear (and are more likely to encourage the dogs to become over-excited)
And dogs, like people are not all the same. Yes some might be dangerous (guard dogs for instance) some are soppy , some are shy and retiring themselves but it is important to remain calm
Anybody owning a dog would have, I hope, the manners to shut it away when visitors call, but really, to let such a silly thing come between your DH and his mother on Mother’s Day is IMO nothing short of selfish of you, especially if she is really elderly.

minxie I think you are a brave and selfless woman to even consider going to visit at all given your aversion to dogs. I have a phobia of birds and there is no way on earth I would go visit someone who had a bird in their house, even if it was in a cage. I wouldn't care who was put out by my decision. I take my hat off to you.

Hi minxie - Just want to wish you "Good Luck" and to say focus on how pleased you will be with yourself when the visit is over! X

Dog are rarely dangerous.

Do you feel anxious about other things too? Or is it only dogs?

I don't see why they can't let the OP stay at home and go without her? Why are some people never happy unless the entire family are herded up together

Lucky four: I am not being silly and I know how old I am thanks.

Thanks Ladies, my in laws are well aware of my phobia even though I hid it for years as I was embarrassed.
The dog doesn’t even go to kennels as he would pine!! So going to someone else’s house for playtime is a nono.
Apparently we are going just for a couple of hours ( tortuous hours )
I shall talk to my inner dog, ( hypnosis taught me that)
So wish me luck and if you hear of a redhead carted off to hospital With a break down. It’s me

Repeat after me......I do not have a phobia; it is fine to be wary of dogs; they can be dangerous.

This medicalisation of a reasonable concern really makes me mad!!!

Start watching tv programs about dogs too to desensitise yourself, especially all those cute puppy ones and the ones where animals do the funniest things. I love all animals, I like them better than most people, but I do ask guests if they are okay if my cat comes in the room as I know she will end up wanting to sit on the lap of the person who doesn't like cats.

A phobia like this needs graded exposure to overcome it. It really isn’t a ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ situation. Because dogs are often encountered in our society, you should be able to receive treatment from your local Community Mental Health Service. I suggest going to your GP, explaining that this phobia is having a disabling effect on your life e.g. visiting relatives (and I’m guessing), walking through a park and any others you can think of. Graded exposure is treatment in which you slowly and very gradually move step by step to the feared object (a dog), using anxiety management techniques throughout. You should not move from one step to the next until you no longer feel anxiety at that step. You would start by talking about and imagining a dog, moving on to pictures, videos, then a small friendly dog and so on.

Good luck.

I had a phobia about dogs for most of my life, having been bitten by one when I was nine. I absolutely hated country walks, or even walking in a village where there might be dogs loose in th garden. Couldn’t even stand in for my son’s paper round in emergencies because the big black dog in the corner house was usually outside in the mornings. Then 18 months ago my daughter decided to get a dog. I was horrified and did my best to talk her out of it. She got one anyway, and he’s the sweetest little animal ever. I now take him for walks, by myself, and can mostly cope when other dogs come bounding up to us, as long as they are not too big. What’s interesting though is that dogs used to come at me aggressively and they don’t any more, it’s true that they sense your fear and react to it. So I do completely understand how you feel!

P.S. Minxie - In a previous post today we heard of a DIL who would not have contact with her in laws, could your in laws think you are doing the same when they atr trying to be so accommodating.

Just a thought on how misunderstandings can happen

Coiuld you offer to pay to put the dog in kennels for the day? This would get the dog out of the way completely and avoid him being cramped in a cage all day.

A phobia is a totally irrational fear you cannot control. It is not just a dislike of something. You should try to explain to your D(?)H what it is.

I suggest you show him the NHS site on the subject www.nhs.uk/conditions/phobias/

I agree with others about CBT therapy as you seem to lack confidence. Why be embarrassed when everyone was told you had a dog phobia, it then warned the others about how you were feeling and not to let any dogs near you.
Why presume FIl is hating you because you have a problem. He has offered a compromise, which is not a sign of hate,
Why say you can't keep a dog in a cage all day, it won't be all day and many dogs are in cages for part of the day or sleep in them at night,

I would encourage you to go but make it clear to your husband that if they break their promise and the dog comes anywhere near you, you will go and sit in the car and expect him to take you home. Take a spare car key. Have the confidence to do this if it happens and don't worry about upsetting them.

The sad thing is that if you had an allergy to the dog and came out in big red spots, or had respiratory problems they would understand and not expect you to visit.

Stop being so silly - how old are you? I don't like dogs but when I go to a house with a dog the owner can usually tell I'm not keen and just puts them in another room. Did you have a trauma as a child, have you had a very bad experience at some point? Try to overcome it otherwise it will continue to damage more important things eg your relationships with husband and family.

Dogs used to crates (not cages) enjoy them it is their own safe space. Stay in another room and make the effort to go, otherwise you are reinforcing your own fear. I have been a mental health worker and hypnotherapist, you have to take some measure of ownership of your own cure.

I have to put my dog who is bouncy, into the summer house when my GC come, it isn't the end of the world for anyone. If you had an allergy it would be the same thing, people would accommodate your needs as they have done.

You have to decide whethre you want rid of the phobia or does it do something for you that you rather like???Only you can own it and deal with it.

Minxie, if the dog is cage trained he will not mind being in there, so you don't have to feel guilty. Greyhounds are big but they have very placid friendly natures. Take some dog treats with you to show the dog you want to be friends. If he seems a little too boisterous or runs up to you DON'T RUN AWAY or shout at him, just stand absolutely still with your hands crossed in front of you and turn your back on him. He will lose interest and walk away. This works with any dog you meet anywhere. Do try to overcome your fear even if its just for an hour, then it will get easier each time you visit. Good luck.