Feeling unloved and poorly

I used to have an OH almost as bad as that. Fortunately another woman took him off my hands. Is it too late for you to arrange for him to meet some 'nice ladies'? Seriously, please do follow up the tips you've been given on this thread. And if you do order provisions from one of the supermarkets, don't forget to give yourself some little treats.

I have a loving husband and a great marriage however if I am ill my husband cannot cope.
I think it is partly selfishness, life doesn’t run too smoothly when you have to shop, cook, clean, iron etc.
It is also partly his deep rooted fear of being alone, I had cancer when I was 38, I was fine as it was caught quickly but he confided in friends that he was scared of me dying and couldn’t cope with my illnesss.
My husbands behaviour seemed callous but it was really his inability to deal with his emotions.
I hope you recover quickly and this may help.

Maw Broon is right that viral infections are notable for causing depression.
Now you have learned, if you didn't know previously, that your husband is unaware of what it feels like to be ill. He cannot help being ignorant of this but I expect he has many redeeming traits .

Please be gentle with yourself. Viral infection needs a long convalescence. Maybe the practice nurse could give him a phone call and explain the situation to him?

Has he got any redeeming qualities? If not leave him. I did it after 20 years of a miserable marriage and wished I'd done it years before. I now have a lovely, kind and caring partner who would walk on hot coals for me - and I for him - as long as I could wear my wellies .
Don't waste any more of your life on this horrid man.

janchristo your post word for word totally resonated with me. I shall be 'free' next Thursday, also after 45 years!

As I've said before, my main concern is the loss of my walk-in wardrobe ???

Well done you x

This is the one I wanted to post earlier.

For Birthday, substitute Flu.

It's sad when someone we thought cared proves they couldn't care less he is selfish .Have you any family or friends that you could call on for help preferably ones he doesn't get on with. Knowing you have turned to them and he has to put up with them being there might make him pull his weight.

No wonder you are feeling unloved.

It's true that some people can't/won't cope with others been the ones who Need Care. And you clearly did need care and gentleness and understanding. You "sound as if" you didn't even get care at the level of human consideration and reasonably you "sound" very hurt.

I'm sad and sometimes angry when I read posts such as yours. I have no way of knowing what your feelings are but I hope getting replies from the folks on GN brings you some comfort. There are some good ideas here too.

I hope you are starting on the road to recovery. As someone has already said certain illnesses affect emotions as well as our physical well being so do whatever you can to take the very best care of Yourself.

Some great suggestions about ordering food and having the ironing done. Or leave the ironing until you need any items and leave your H's as others have said :-)

When it comes to food make sure you get nice meals and if you feed your H (for the sake of an easier life) do it for you not him.

So often people are Useful not Valuable in situations where we would feel so much better if we were Valuable not Useful.

One of the wonderful things about the Web is support and insight from others often dose give the support and valuing that helps to get us to a better place.

Wishing you well and a fast recovery. Take Care of you and if there is someone who can give your H a reality check then let them have at it :-)

I have been reading the replies to your post and agree with all of them. I am sorry you live with a selfish pig, this marriage must make you feel very unhappy. If it’s not finances that keep you with him, then think carefully about your future. Who would want to live with such a nasty person. If it’s lack of money why you have to stay, then man up to him. Don’t be scared of him. He’ll get his comeuppance. I wish you well.

Poor you, my sympathies. This makes me remember how lovely my dear late husband was, if I was poorly he'd look after me if he could, long working hours permitting.
If I were you I'd take care of myself, ignore hubby as he's so uncaring. I'm so sorry he's so unhelpful.
It will probably fall on deaf ears but he needs to be firmly told to pull his socks up. You're his wife, not his servant.

Yes, def show him these threads ! We all deal with things differently of course, but in any relationship we should be allowed to have our pain and frustration listened to and acknowledged, hope you are soon better.

There is nothing as unattractive as a helpless man. You should be able to lean on him in times of illness. It's shocking . Get stronger at your own pace

I wish I could send you a magic fairy who would look after you & prepare appetising food for you whilst chucking your husbands' creased clothes into the dustbin. I hope he has some redeeming qualities because, as the old saying goes ..... "You wouldn't treat a dog like that".

My best idea (which a widowed friend did after an operation and no offers from her kids) book into a comfortable local hotel for a week, room service, laundry and comfort. She recovered quickly. Your husband could stay home and learn some basic life skills.

I really wish you well soon ?????

OH and I have flu and can barely move around - if someone asked me to do a pile of ironing I would tell them to go take a hike.

Gosh I can hardly believe that there are still such antediluvian men in the 21st Century what era are they living in!! It’s not your “job” to be nanny/cook/maid to anyone! Even if you feel well it’s not your “duty”! I would tell him to get with the times, he needs to learn how to cook, clean, iron for himself or pay for these services as others have suggested. What if you were not there would he starve and wallow in unwashed clothes? I expect he would find a way round it and he can do so now! I would take myself off to stay with a family member or friend or if no one able to help and funds permitting check into a nice hotel!

It’s hard to believe there are grown men who can’t do the ironing or get meals. He should have been doing both for decades. Amazing that people don’t teach their sons to look after themselves and any family they may have.

Of course, maybe he can do it but just won’t. I don’t know what to say really. I’m shocked. I hope you feel better now.

Aww lol but you have to feel sorry for the poor old boy, he's obviously totally helpless lol. At least you feel needed!

I would just tell him how upset and unloved you feel. Why all this pussyfooting around. Make him feel like a hero ? What, just for doing a bit of ironing or getting you a half decent meal !
He needs a kick up the proverbial.

Show him this thread and tell him how lucky he has been.
Time he pulled his weight.

Poor you over60plus. I had flu in January and felt unbelievably poorly. It’s taken me weeks to get over it.
You have my sympathies if you feel stuck in a relationship with a miserable, uncaring man too. If he’s always been like it I’m afraid he’s unlikely to change.
When you’re properly better and stronger it might be the time to think very carefully whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
I hope you have some kind friends/family who you could talk it through with.....if not we’re all on here for you

Dear Over50plus Act on the advice here. When you are this ill, you must put yourself first. It will not be long before you are stronger, and more resilient but for now it's just a matter of one hour at a time. - Later (but not much or it will fade) 'a bit of a chat' - My OH WAS like this - we had a blazing row during which I told him I was shocked, and ashamed to be married to a person who could behave like that - of course the row was hell. And he did not react at all then. HOWEVER, I now have husband who realises he is married to a human being. For now, remember we are with you.

You could try to make him feel a hero for helping you . Perhaps suggesting he irons what he needs for the day because you still feel weak and it would be so helpful, thank you so much. And could you roast a chicken, you cook so well. I think he needs to relearn some of his attitudes.

I agree with getting someone to do the ironing and takeaways or ready meals are the way forward until you feel better. Order online ( lots of offers on first orders) or send him to M&S. Let yourself get better before resuming duties! My dad was like your DH he wanted mum to cook with a broken ankle!

So very sorry to hear you have been so ill Over60 and you are obviously feeling very low and it will take a while for your health to improve. From experience, many men (and women) find illness hard to accept and deal with. However, your OH takes the biscuit for lack of care and understanding. Send him to M&S for a few ready meals - or to the local fish and chip shop if he wants a hot meal - point out that if you hadn't got to hospital when you did he might well be looking after himself!! Try to avoid a row - walk away - you do not need any more pressure - and make sure that you get plenty of rest and fluids. As for the ironing...... he definitely needs the practice! Hope you feel better soon - a glass of sherry at bedtime helps (I like to believe it has iron in it....)

Over60plus - have you considered leaving him? He's probably always treated you like this? Like a doormat? Don't put up with this type of selfish, uncaring behaviour any longer than you have to. You deserve better. I've been there too, tolerated an insensitive, unkind, emotionally retarded and demeaning man for almost 45 years before I made the break. I tried hard to make it work and made all kinds of excuses for him - but they rarely change.