Has anyone mastered the art of saying No without the guilt that follows

I think my response to requests would often depend on the possible consequences to my child - albeit mature adult - of saying no. Making their lives even more difficult will not necessarily make them a 'better' person. I've had problems in the past and have been VERY grateful to my Mother for coming to my aid when she could have said no.

Tell your son you are saying 'No' in order to make him better person. (and it will!)

I think you are absolutely spot on with your comment that we had it hard and didn't want the same for our children; they have gone on to expect it and take advantage of our goodwill. You certainly shouldn't be expected to offer childcare to the point when it exhausts you, when neither mother has a job.
Good luck in standing up for your needs in the new year.

I think you are right Serkeen but if the Mothers don’t work then you should not do as much as you do.A visit now and then and the odd babysit should be all, unless there are sudden emergencies.
Think of your own health, and maybe remind them that you are getting older.

Serkeen I think you have put your finger on the problem. We want the best for our children so give them all we can and forget that phrase about 'killing with kindness'.

Quite right Serkeen. I’m amazed sometimes at how difficult some parents seem to find paranting.

And just wanted to say shocked at how many of our children take advantage of us.

I believe we have ourselves to blame simply because we had it hard and did not want the same for our children. What we did not realise is that having it hard, meaning our parents took no nonsense, made us the strong able people that we are today.

Apologies for the incorrect spelling of where, it should have been were.

A few words like bully and manipulative have come out

I'm just confused, do not want to think of my son to be a bully or manipulative.

But he is short with me lots and explains it is because he has a lot of pressure at home.

At first I let it go because of that very fact but the more I let it go the worse it got and the last time he took things out on me I told him that we all have problems not only him.

I did not know that when grandchildren came along my life would get this complicated. I thought it would be a matter of taking them out when I felt up to it and enjoyed them.

I have 4 grandchildren and another on the way and believe me when I tell you I love them all so much but where I do not get a break I always feel overwhelmed and dread being asked again.

When I had my children it was wholly my responsibility. I had no help from either side of the family and do not understand why so much help is needed as neither Mu works?

Just so knackered with it all and then the stress of the drama too.

Thank you for your help advice and your honesty x

Please, learn to say "no" sometimes ( hard though that can be). He has to stand on his own two feet now and again! Remember, you are not a doormat. Take note of what sandraanddaisy is saying. It might not apply to you, but nevertheless, there are times when it's necessary to say no, and stick to it.

Say no sometimes ...not from a power base thing , but if you do not want to do what’s asked of you.Ive been childminding my two grandkids for ten years... school pick ups...and now school delivery ....which necessitates me leaving my house a 6.30 in the morning,and walking three miles ( not complaining as I love to walk). I am fit and able to do it at the moment but there will come a time when I will start to say no.My daughter and SIL understand totally where I’m at with this...and if I ever have said no to something they never inquire “why” but just accept. It’s your life and you and only you need to be in control of it. You will feel better about yourself and unless your son is a total ‘wet’ he will respect you for it! Give it a try and take back your life!

My granddaughter has a bit of a paddy when she's told no, but she's nearly 2, she will grow out of it. I have a friend with 3 demanding offspring in their 20s and 30s, and we coach her to say no. I'm with Lemongrove, prepare your reason, or have a list of them to cover all the usual requests; but eventually you'll have to have the difficult conversation that being told you're a bad parent because offspring doesn't get own way is really really hurtful, and not acceptable.

Maybe a sit down and a chat is needed to give that presumably quite old offspring a chance to air feelings both ways. Explain about boundaries, love and attention need to be reciprocal. If they feel you’re just there when they need you, that is not acceptable. You have done your job and raised them. Happy to help out, but you need a life, too. And for that to be very much appreciated!

Oh sandraanddaisy - like you, when I read those exact words you quoted from serkeen's son it made me gasp - I immediately thought how manipulative he sounded.
Serkeen - Such good advice on here about saying no - good luck and I hope you manage it and start to think about yourself.

I can say NO! and mean it..................to anyone but my girls LOL

Oh Serkeen.....with the words 'doing it to make you a better person' my stomach heaved as it took me back to an abusive relationship. My (now ex) used those words to me all the time as he belittled me and turned me into an emotional mess.

IMHO your son is a bully.

Why are so many posters seeing saying 'No' so negatively, if you see what I mean, There is no conflict between saying no and loving your children unconditionally.

Loving your children unconditionally is loving your children, good or bad, not turning yourself into a door mat. I would go so far as stating that saying 'no' is an essential part of being a good parent, saying 'yes' all the time isn't. Some of you seem to have ended up with thoughtless selfish children because you never say no.

ps had a look a motherland as suggested, wow it is intense and know what you mean, thank you for pointing that out

and sorry for the typos end of the day tiredness

Thank you for your in put, all s very relevant. I keep hearing the word people pleaser and it has struck a cord in me and a light bulb moment because I am a people please and I can tell you as others will too, its hard work, and takes your energy.

Maybe that is what is wrong here..or is it that I want to pride myself on being a good Mum, probably a bit of both.

But what ever I do I am always in the wrong according to my youngest he criticises me a lot and when I point it out to him he states that he is doing it to make me a better person and then I get confused as to who is the parent but I do feel that he might be genuine when he says this as I can appear to appear as a mess sometime but it is my mess and I know what I am doing

I think as has been said not saying No can be detrimental I do believe that and when I have tried to force him to stand n his own two feet it is better for him and me too.

I just have a problem with sticking to my good ways.

Thank you for oyur time it is very much appreciated x

Its getting involved in a discussion that leaves a loophole, that they can talk you round with. That's the technique telesales people use.

I'm somewhat with goldengirl on this. I say no to a situation and then go on to try to equate my action with unconditional love. Fail every time! However I have recently offered an olive branch in the interests of self improvement (guilt?!) so am interested to see how that will work for both of us. Fingers crossed.....

And I have 8 and it's also mostly yes's from me too because they don't ask very often. I know for a fact that I could say no without consequence though. That's the point.

I very rarely say no. Simply because she is the only GC and there wont be any more and I know that sometime soon, she will have more important things to do than visit old nana. So, for me, babysitting is mostly a yes.

There has to be a limit. Everyone has a life, a life of their own and one in which decisions are theirs to make. The problem has arisen here because no thought about the future arose until now, well after this could have been resolved.

It gets harder the longer you let it continue. Now you need to grasp the nettle and be prepared for unwanted reactions. Time to come to an arrangement. Time to point out that you need a life of your own, one in which you may help in future but only when you can do so.