Friendships - how good are you?

Please stop worrying about being human. We all are. I recognise you as being an introvert which is fine. You find your energy drained by people and are actually 'peopled' out at times. Extroverts are the opposite. Please look up introvert and for fun the Introvert page on Facebook is great. Also read the Penguin series Great Ideas on Friendship by Michel De Montaigne. You end with advice for others. Would you mind me offerng some to you? When you cancel arrangements and decline invitations please be awre this can possibly be hurtful. I know you do not intend that at all but perception is reality. Very best wishes.

Some people do have problems joining in and being friends and in saying the wrong thing.It may be annoying does not stop them from being a friend.Everybody does that at times.
I keep a birthday book, so that I can always send to friends for birthdays and anniversaries.
Send more short emails to friends instead of every six months sending long ones, nobody wants a blow by blow description of your life but like to stay in regular contact.
Suggest going to places with friends even if they are slow off the mark to do it themselves.Friendship, like marriage, does need to be worked at.

I have two besties I've known both of them 30+ yrs one of them does the me me me speach for at least an hour on meeting before she thinks to ask about me and mine. A lot of the time she will forget something I told her at our last meeting, I've got used to it
She has a heart of gold.

I think it is Illtellhim who is confused! Her friend had lost her husband, ITH popped round, made friend tea/toast, said that about HER husband wondering where his tea was - (very sensitive and caring, I don't think) and now says her friend is a loser who didn't appreciate what she did for her!

illtellhim I'm confused by your earlier post! Who said "can't stop to long Hubbie will be wondering were his tea is" - in the post you say I said...

If that's the case, why are you mad with her?!

If I needed to spell correctly I wouldn't be on here, fell=feel

Ex friend, I'm certainly not going to spend time with a loser like her, she's 69 now and, boy, as she let herself go, one of the first things she should do is learn how to speak to other people, some times I fell as though my good heart and good intentions are taken advantage of.

My friends have always been massively important to me as I grew up without any family. Almost all of my friendships have been long standing, 30, 40, 50 years. It took me a while to work out that if you want to have a friend you have to BE a friend. But I don't expect perfection.
If they are 90 percent o.k. then I overlook the other 10 percent as I'm not perfect either.
I love my friends.

So on that occasion your friend probably felt that you didn't care enough to think about what was important to her before you spoke?

Human beings are fallible.

I had a friend once, popped around on the news of the sudden death of her husband, made her tea and toast got more tissues for her and then I said can't stop to long Hubbie will be wondering were his tea is, now, I did not expect that response, I left . Friends EH!!, who needs 'em.

I have three good friends to me and myself to them.
Friendship is sometimes very hard but can be worth it.
Maybe you are more the acquaintance style of friend.
You will not feel the pressure then of commitment but also will not be lonely.
There are 19 in the knitting group I go to and some choose to pal up outside the group and some dip in as an individual.

There is the WI. This is usually so full of women that you could talk to a different one every month.
There is still that group support and care but it is not full on.
Lots of activities and trips out too. If you can make a full garden in and egg cup you'll be a great success!! Be prepared to be challenged about the large size of your egg cup if you win the challenge. (was not me it happened to thank goodness)

As for my three friends.
None of them like each other to the point where one goes in the charity shop where another is manageress just to make comments , whereupon they start a "who has spent more time with and who Gayliamelon likes best competition. (very quietly as they're in the shop).

None of them actually knew each other before they all had me in common. All they do is show resentment that the other exists .

My precious wedding ring went missing within my home (I had to take it off due to illness) and they accused each other of stealing it. It was found a few weeks later in my home. However this did not stop them both accusing the other one of returning the ring secretly through guilt after stealing it.

One watches to see if the other has walked past to go to my house and turns up as well. So they sit there glowering at each other whilst fighting to reach the kettle first and show that they know where the latest biscuits or cake are and that they already know what is in the tin because they spend more time with me.

The third one arrives every morning to tell me about her husband who had an affair , had sex in their marital bed, and is still keen on the girl who is 39. If its not that its her grandchildren and her 5 children who have miffed her or her sister who has annoyed her. She never asks a thing about me and I understand she is very worried about it all. However her actions are one of a true friend and she is so thoughtful in her kindnesses.

Don't they all sound awful. However they are good to me even if not to each other . I cannot dictate how they treat one another. I will not have a bad word said to me about the others. None of them will read this because none of them will go anywhere near the internet, its the only thing they have in common.

They are all very good friends to me and the help and kindness that they show to me outweighs any of these things.
In their different ways they are so very precious to me.
I am a very calm person and let all this wash over me to look at the good in them.

They know I am a genuine friend to them.
I am there for all of them in a crisis and they individually there for me. This has been proven.
As the old saying goes , that is when you find out who your friends are.

Hopefull - my advice is to just be yourself. We are all unique.

Hopefull - my advice is to just be yourself. We are all unique.

For poem read post! Tch. Gremlins!

Serkeen, meaning sometimes gets lost in print. I thought your poem read as a critical comment and therefore rather pointed. I am sorry if I misinterpreted.

My Ma used to say that when with friends " Ask first, tell second"
Always ask how they are and what they have been doing before launching in to your own exploits .
I also keeps important birthdays and days to remember, like exam results, on a calendar so I don't forget.

Pensionpat
I do that, but as I keep a daily diary I see the post it's every day. That way I never forget.
I'm afraid I'm with Serkeen on this, if you care enough you do it.

I think part of the answer is to have fewer but closer friends. I know plenty of people and like their company etc but to me a friend is someone closer than that, it's someone to whom you can confide your deepest, darkest secrets(!).

It took me many years to learn that I didn't have to be friends with every single person I ever met, but once I had learnt the lesson, my life was the happier for it.

those who mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind

I really like that baggs and it fits with my take on people.

Some people behave the way they do because they suffer real anxiety when in social situations. I think one needs to have some tolerance of difference and sometimes quite a lot of tolerance. People behaving in odd ways is not always about the observers (or 'receivers' if you like) of the oddness; sometimes the person being odd/forgetful/careless/whatever can't help it.

I'm a hopeless friend , too ! I sometimes get 'claustrophobic' if people get close to me , I begin to feel controlled then resentful of people and start saying no to invitations . I am however , reliable , kind and would like a 'bessy mate' - maybe it's a trust issue ? weird , eh ?

Chris1603 that is a brilliant idea, joining a group. At least I wont have the pressure of having to turn up... I can go if I feel up to it. I worry when I am expected to do things with someone.. which triggers anxiety, then I try to get out of it! Only really close relatives ignore my pleas of why i cant do things and I generally enjoy going out... after the event. I get fed up with me too! Perhaps I should be more honest and open in real life to earn friendship.

Have you thought of joining some activity or group perhaps a reading group at the library or a knit and chat or gardening or doing a course.

Being friendly in a group may seem on the face of it daunting, but nothing more is expected of you other than turning up and taking part in the activity and conversation will be around the subject area. If it doesn't suit don't go back, no one is let down because the group will run anyway. These casual relationships expect less of you.

Also keep in mind that not every one likes every one it is ok if someone dislikes you or you dislike someone. It is how it is and happens to us all from time to time.

I do feel you are being hard on yourself. Don't judge yourself by how many friends you have; we are all different.

What are your expectations of a friendship?

Surely everyone has a system for birthdays etc? I transfer them to my diary each year. Also I can see from my diary when I last saw someone. Time passes so quickly. A friend of mine is punctilious with things like friends' hospital apps and tests. She always texts or writes to see how they went. Very thoughtful. Then I noticed her system on a visit. When I tell her for example that DH is having something medical, she writes it on a post-it. She sticks the post it by the phone. With others. When she speaks to me after that date she asks me how it went and then destroys the note. I'm sure that there are reminders that we could put on our phones, but I stick with what I know works.