Looking for unbiased opinions on granddaughter being a bridesmaid

Your son and DIL are filing their child. They're breaching her that she and her feelings mean nothing to them or anyone. That she's not important.
That SIL is more important and loved and the fact that SHE is going to be upset trumps everything GD is feeling.
This is so so sad.
I feel no pity at all for the adults. Her parents only thought should be their daughter. But they clearly rank how they look above her.
That poor child.
To grow up feeling like you don't matter is such a sad thing.

I think your DIL would have a healthier relationship with her DH and child if she distanced herself from her sister, she is clearly toxic as is the father. Your DIL is very lucky to have such a caring MIL.

Only the OP really knows all the family dynamics and how it is likely to pan out.However, she did say that her DIL had been on the phone to her pleading that her sister and Father would not speak to her again if she allowed her child to be a bridesmaid.In this situation, I would say to my DIL you do what you think best.Easy for others to say she should break with her sister and family.

Poor Mercedes. She sounds as though she is trying to be considerate to everyone in this mess and it must be upsetting her.
As I get older and realise my own mortality, it becomes even more important to me that the younger family members should get on well together and live in harmony. The situation here seems impossible because someone will always feel resentment.
What if the selfish pregnant lady asks her DS to be godmother to her child in a few months time after having prevented the sister's daughter from being a bridesmaid? There will be long term complications from whatever decision is arrived at.

I think it's a shame that the little girl might miss out on what will be a lovely day just because an adult is basically being very childish .

There would be no long term complications if the awkward lady were to just knock it off.
Someone needs to at least try to get her to see sense instead of pandering to her and expecting a young child to go along with the same stupidity.

Well said FarNorth - I would encourage DiL to tell her S that it's got nothing to do with her & let GD be a Bridesmaid. There again I'm not involved so it's difficult to really comment. However I am in full agreement with FarNorth's comment

If there is going to be a best man link, then why not a bridesmaid one?
That's what is puzzling me too radicalnan

roses yes, I realise that they are sisters but I wonder if one sister has always given in to the other (perhaps younger?) sister all her life. Some children are prone to tantrums to get their own way (not just the 'terrible twos') and if they have always told the sister to give in for peace this has become a way of life.
It is a difficult time, DIL's sister is pregnant and shouldn't be upset but she is using the pregnancy as an excuse for emotional blackmail.

I think there is more going on here than we know about or even the OP knows about.

Mercedes my DGM was told to 'always look after her younger sister who is very delicate'.
Grandma died at 71, my great-aunt lived well into her 90s.

so she then went on to explain about the reaction of her sister which ended up making GD cry as she was upset because she didn't want her aunt to be upset at her.

Oh for goodness' sake, poor child! Made to feel guilty too. Someone should tell the sister to grow up. (not you, Mercedes!)

Oh yes, Jalima I know, the sister sounds like a nightmare,but I would want my DIL to be happy with no family rifts, rather than the GC be a bridesmaid for the day.
Other people feel differently.

I know what you mean roses, but now the child has been told, it is a heavy burden for her to decide who to please.
I am interested that the sister doesn't mind about the man in the family being best man, but does mind about the little girl being a bridesmaid- another poster commented on how the sister might view the little girl.
As anyone who has been through it knows, the pregnancy of a woman who was herself born premature is a dreadfully difficult time. I sympathise with her being very emotional, but dragging a child into the maelstrom is very sad (and I wonder what her current partner thinks about her stance!)
I do think Mercedes, if you have a role in this mess, it is to help your DGD understand that it is not her responsibility to please one or another adult, and what happened before she was born is nothing to do with her!

The Dil is not / will not be happy, roses. She is being browbeaten by her bullying sister and is being forced to cause upset to her child, which will last much longer than one day.

If bully-sister views the child as her special little friend, as previously suggested, she's not doing much to help that happy relationship to continue.

Do the groom-to-be, bride-to-be, husband of bully-sister know about all this?

If not, why not?
Why are they being protected while a load of disappointment and distress is dumped on a child?

"As anyone who has been through it knows, the pregnancy of a woman who was herself born premature is a dreadfully difficult time. I sympathise with her being very emotional."

Yes, that's a fair point, but do the bride and groom need to be worried about the emotional state of every family member of friend in the build up to their wedding? What about the person undergoing chemo, the person who has lost his job, got divorced or whose dog has just died? If that person, i.e. the DiL's sister is feeling overwhelmed and can't cope with it, then she should be the one to not attend the wedding if it distresses her so much. Perhaps, Mercedes, your DiL could explain to her younger DS in a supportive way that we ALL have troubles, she is only one of many, it's a case of put up and shut up.

Just gone back and read all the OP's words carefully.....still think the same, but I see that for the OP stuck in the middle when her DS wants his child to be a bridesmaid and his wife probably does too, but maybe not at the cost of losing touch with her sister and Father, I understand how difficult it must be to give advice.
I can only say what I would advise my DS to do ( knowing my own family) and I would not want anything to cause my own DIL to have to shun or be shunned by her sister and Father.What a mess though.

It's not just that the DS wants his child to be bridesmaid. She "has been asked" by the bridal couple.
Presumably they are to be given a fictitious excuse for refusal which will leave them confused and possibly upset too.

Tell them the truth?

Good idea.

Where is DS's backbone? If this scenario was played out in my DS's home I can imagine his reaction as he doesn't suffer whining spoilt siblings.

Thanks once again for the replies.

I do at times wish my son would 'man up' and put DIL's sister in her place, but I think even he is aware of the power her sister has over her. He has his own issues with the sister and doesn't like her, she has a habit of badmouthing him to my DIL and inferring he's 'too close to his daughter', 'doesn't help enough in the house', 'isn't emotional enough', the list goes on. Sad thing is when my DIL hears all these things from her sister she actually believes them all and they end up arguing about it, then it all calms down, until the next time.

There are times I feel really sad for DIL as I do realise she is stuck in the middle. She also has an aunt on her father's side who is almost as bad as he is, which doesn't help.

I almost feel like DIL is like the child looking in from the outside and always feeling excluded. When her father comes over for a holiday he stays with the younger sister, spends lots of money on her, but unless DIL puts herself out to go to her sister's house to spend time with him, I really don't think he would bother to see her or GD as he is really only interested in himself and his younger daughter

Is DiL's mother in the picture Mercedes? I don't think you've mentioned her.

It's not her wedding
It's not about HER
!!!!!!

"I almost feel like DIL is like the child looking in from the outside and always feeling excluded. "

So rather than try to sort it out they're all going to pass the crap along to a 9 year old child.

Thanks once again, latest update is that the wedding has been booked for next January so that gives son and DIL plenty of time to sort things out, I think they had hoped to marry this year but they want a specific type of venue and couldn't find anything sooner.

Last conversation I had with my DIL was when she phoned to tell me she had told her sister that GD wanted to be a bridesmaid but also didn't want to upset her aunt so had decided not to be one. Most normal people would have felt very guilty to hear that, least I know I would. DIL's sisters response was 'Oh I'm very proud that she has put my feelings first!', which DIL thought was quite a good response. I was quite horrified about that but I'm hoping that with a year to go before the wedding that someone will see sense