Asperger grandson not invited to party

I am afraid this is not uncommon. My son (21 with Aspergers) was always left out of his friend's birthday parties, even though the boy in question invited him to play and came to play with him. It is very sad, but there is nothing you can do. Unfortunately this is a common experience for children with autism

Thanks everyone for you time and help.
This is my first post on gransnet but I follow it. It was the first pace I thought of for advice.
I will speak to the mother but not yet as I'm still angry and it will come out wrong.
Thanks again

Like Greenfinch my 10-year old GS has ASD. He never gets invited to parties either. He used to get upset by this, but he's more philosophical about it now he's older.

Don't make waves, but do be there for your grandson and show him how loved and valued he is in his family. I'm sure you do anyway.

Red, the bit about the Xbox bus really hit me. I have a now adult grandson who was diagnosed as on the spectrum at about age 7. Like your grandson he is very bright and articulate, he has always been skilled at computer things and would have loved the xbox bus idea. He was never invited to a birthday party. I empathise with your hurt, angry feelings. As a family, we have had similar experiences and it makes you want to rage.
As others have advised, I'd say keep your counsel. The other mother has behaved badly, insensitively and unkindly and I fear nothing you can say will help that situation. Let's hope that it doesn't interfere with the friendship of the 4 boys when they're at school.
It's already been said but I agree, he needs a special outing/treat as some kind of distraction. People can be so selfish, can't they.

We have a friend (adult) who is (undiagnosed) aspergers.
Her only family are in Oz and she has no friends but doesn't seem affected by this state of affairs.
A group of us went to see the church panto that DH had done the scenery for, which she admired.
Once or twice during the performance when the audience was loudly inrpteracting with someone on stage she had her hands over her ears-didn't ask her again but she knows the rest of us go.
I also took her to the church cafe one evening when it was a lady's evening. She was very disturbed by the noise-again have told her about it and asked if she wants to go again but she doesn't.
However this is an adult not a child. I know she found life hard as a child so I really sympathise with this little boy.
I don't know what the answer is. . . . Could you talk to the other mum and politely ask why he is excluded? Does he have problems at school?
I agree with others to give him an alternative treat.

Xbox party sounds ghastly. I can't imagine anything worse than organising a party for 7 year old boys. I agree , perhaps your boy doesn't really enjoy parties and the hostess / mum figured it would be a complete nightmare without dealing with one who doesn't actually like parties anyway. Yes it would have been nice for her to explain this to you, and organised an alternative, but sounds like you don't have contact with her. I guess you have to play it down as no big deal to your boy and try not to show how upset you are. Do something together he really enjoys.

Redf I do understand your feelings but I think you just have to let it go or it will eat you up.One so called friend of DGS now says. his mother says he is not to sit next to him at school . Is it catching ?? Sounds if the party is miss able anyway.Not much interaction there!

Bluebelle thank you.
It's not about numbers 12 have been invited.
There is a group of 4 boys who play together at school each day, 3 are going 1 is not.
She has hired an Xbox party which is a special bus that parks on your drive the children presumably play Xbox games in it.
Sam is very computer savvy and most likely would have been ok.
His mother would have been there anyway.
Oh well you can't win 'em all.

Come on, if he has always been invited before and the other chap has come to his parties then it's not about cutting down numbers it's about exclusion if it's about cutting down on numbers then she would have just had a couple of kids over for a treat and not held a 'party' it s very obviously an excuse because for whatever reason she didn't want him at the party and that's cruel

I m sure he will have a LOT of opportunities to learn about disappointments over the years without this mother helping

Indeed the mother said the real reason when she said 'he won't enjoy the party' she had obviously decided it was too much trouble for her to have a 'different' chap at her party if she really believed that he wouldn't be comfortable she would have talked it over with the mum and said something like ' do you think Sam would enjoy coming to Henry's birthday party or would he be happier to come to tea on another day with just the two of them ' that would have been so much kinder

There are two sides to this, the mother may have decided to reduce the number of children invited and do we have a right to think our grandchild should not be included in the list of those not invited, I am sure the other children who are not invited will feel upset too. The grandson has to learn there are disappointments in life , all children do .

I hope you find a way to make it a happy day for the little chap,

Thanks for your comments Crafting.There is one club/group for autistic children quite a few miles from us/them but it has a three year waiting list !There are other activities but the whole family and siblings grow so the children do not really interact with each other.He does get on very well in the main with his twin but not always with her friends !He is very friendly and lovable so I am hoping things will turn out well for him. My DH often invites friends round for him but they generally don't reciprocate.

Most of the ones I know are cutting it down to taking out one, two or three friends to the cinema, bowling, a meal etc by the age of 7 or 8.
Does anyone put on rowdy parties at home any more? Especially working mums?

I don't excuse that mum at all if she had an ounce of feeling she would have invited him I don't buy the numbers either, blimey 7 years old is the height of parties and it's only a couple of hours to put up with any rowdiness, anyway if you keep them busy with games they won't be rowdy Shame on her

The racket made by my DS2's friends at his 7th birthday party made me decide that there would be no more parties. I imagine that the rowdiness of all those children would be a complete turn-off for your GS but the other boy's mum was downright tactless and offensive.

I don't think she put it very well.

However, by the age of 7 or 8 I have found they are usually cutting down the numbers for birthday parties, especially if they go out for a treat such as the cinema, bowling etc. It can get very expensive, however she could have been more tactful.

greenfinch Are there any autistic group activities or meet ups anywhere near where your DGS can meet other children and get to know them? My DGC who has ASD has made friends with some in this way. Does he get on with his twin? Perhaps you could have DGS over for a sleepover with you or they could both camp out in the garden. I feel for you all. Being left out is so sad for young ones. Things may get better as they get older as they have for my DGC.

I get why you're angry on your grandsons behalf red but we are talking about 2 little boys who have been friends a long while.

Be the better person and arrange a treat for both boys, it will sooth your grandsons hurt feelings a little and keep their friendship intact.

After all this is all about the adults, the boys are collateral damage.

What a hurtful and unfeeling thing to do to a child. Shame on her!

I hope Sam enjoys the day with you and his mum.

I am so sorry to read about your problem and know exactly how you feel.My nine year old autistic grandson never gets invited to parties.The situation is made worse by the fact that his twin sister gets invited to loads.This weekend she is going to a sleepover and he was distraught when he found out.His parents will take him swimming but it won't make up for it.He loves being with other children but is young for his age and a little boisterous.I can't understand these mums.My daughter goes out of her way to invite children with special needs as well as the others. There is no answer until society becomes more tolerant of those who are slightly different.

My daughter and I are too angry to think about arranging anything like that.
We will help Sam through the bad time ourselves.

Oh how we hurt when they hurt. I agree, how about inviting his friend out with your GS for a special treat together.

Cornergran the mum will have told her son that Sam wouldn't want to come.
There would have to an amount of contact with the mum for them to do anything together and that's not going to happen.
Nice idea though

I imagine the birthday boy will also be confused as they get on well. Maybe you could arrange something for them to do together so they both feel better?

He generally doesn't like parties but he does like this little boy they are close. He will be hurt and confused at the lack of invite.

When I was doing my study of women with AS one of them told me that had happened to her. Her mum complained and she was then asked but had a miserable time as she knew she wasn't wanted. The whole class had been invited but not her. In retrospect she wasn't bothered and actually spent a lot of time on her own as she much preferred it to the forced noisy socialising at a party. I can quite understand how you feel though.