Asperger grandson not invited to party

LesleyC that has not been my experience - the little ones up to age about 5 invite the whole class but thereafter it seems to be 'best friends' (only 3 or 4) who are invited to a treat.

However, in this case it seems quite a lot of little boys have been invited and I can understand how upset you feel redf. Making a fuss and tackling the mother about it could cause a lot of friction and cause a rift between the boys.

as DH said, whilst the parents are squabbling over something to do with the children, the children themselves have forgotten the upset and are playing happily together again.

Best say nothing, don't make a big issue out of it and do something special with your DGS on that day.

Might not be a bad idea to send him into school on the day with a nice card for the birthday boy. Might make the mum think a bit. (Although I do see her point of view. But think she should have wrapped it up better, to cause less hurt)

I am so sorry your son hasn't been invited to the party, it's wrong and offencive. I had the same problem with my daughter, she has slight learning problems and prone to fits. My niece was getting married and wanted it to be a family affair. My sister phoned me to tell me that my daughter wasn't invited as they felt it was suitable for her! I replied that it wad t suitable for her to mix with with ignorant and offensive people and nobody from my side of the family would attend. Haven't spoken since. Maybe you could have a word with the parents. Good luck

pollyputthekettleon! Give it a bit of thought.

I agree with lilihu- it is so hard not to be angry on their behalf- but for your grandson's sake keep it very calm. I don't know your GS but have worked with children on the spectrum - it may be that the noise and mayhem would upset him- or the mother may believe so, so the suggestion of a treat on another day with his friend seems a good one, for his sake. It may also show the mum that tolerance and understanding win out- she may feel embarrassed at her own reaction and learn from your examples. I hope it all works out for you.

There seems to be a trend for birthday parties to include the whole class these days. My 7 year old grandson said he didn't want them all to come to his party, only the ones that he played with frequently and he chose them. My daughter then got an angry email from one mum asking why her son hadn't been invited!! I think it is much more dignified to say nothing and I hope redf8234 your grandson can do something lovely on the day of this party. I know though it won't take away the hurt.

I do really feel for you and your family in this situation. It’s a no-win issue. I can totally see why you feel the way you do.
However, I think caution is required.
Be sure that the main problem is your grandson’s feelings and not you and your daughter’s anger.
Are you sure that you want to speak to the mother, and are you confident that you could do this without any rancour? Are you certain that you won’t make things worse?
The reason I’m suggesting this is that if your “talk” upsets or annoys the mother in any way, she may feel that her son should stop associating with your grandson? She may have thought she was making the right decision about the party and be angry to be questioned?
Regardless of who or what was right or wrong, your grandson and his relationships should be the very first consideration.
Also, is your grandson picking up on the anger? How will that help him? You mentioned that you are feeling too angry to think about arranging something with the two boys. I was thinking that planning a little treat for them would re-direct your annoyance into something more positive, re-Inforce the boys’ relationship, and show the mother that you value their relationship. Also, if you really feel that you have to talk to the mother, it would give you a route in to that conversation. As others have said, it would need to be a calm and positive interaction and totally non –accusatory.

It seems that so many of us have DGC with ASD and worry so much about the loneliness. There should be more clubs available for the children or some way of getting them involved with others.

Personally I never wanted to go to parties. I hate groups of people and always wanted quiet fun with one or two friends and not a crowd. I feel so sad for the children who do want to go but don't get asked.

redf I can well understand how angry and upset you are but getting angry with the other child's mother may well affect your DGS relationship with that boy and his other friends which is more important.

What an unfeeling bitch!

I think you're being very unkind to the mum of the other child, frankly.
I have a 3 yr DGS and I also have my own DS who is 7.
Party mum has explained it's about numbers so I think you should accept that explanation.
If you complain to her, it will make you look ridiculous and over invested.
I took my DS to the cinema, the park and then a cafe for his birthday and he invited 3 of his friends. We had previously hosted parties for all the boys in the class but decided not to this year. It just gets too expensive.
If I had a granny complain that her GS hadn't been invited to the cinema trip, I'd think she was being rather cheeky.

Perhaps at seven, he will understand if you explain to him that the party is likely to be very noisy, and he wouldn't enjoy it. And then get him and the birthday boy together for their own little extra birthday tea a few days later.

It must have been a hard decision for the other child's mum to make.

This brings back so many sad memories of my youngest being excluded from some, thankfully not all, birthday parties. At the time I was very angry as other mothers had no problem with letting their children come to our parties (two a year as we also celebrated her 'Adoption Day') but there was nothing I could do. As she grew older and we needed to keep numbers reasonable and I struggled deciding which names to omit, I understood how easy it must have been to strike her name out. She did need things explaining two or even three times and she did need more attention than the other children.
What I wonder is did the birthday boy get a chance to list who he wanted to attend his party or was it his parents who just wanted to save themselves the extra effort? We always had a lovely day with an outing to make up for it and life went on.
Noŵ my girl is a wonderful mother with three parties to organise every year and reports to me the difficulties she has, working out with her children which friends to invite and which to leave out.

I understand the hurt but it is the other child's birthday . Even if your dd was with him all the time it changes the dynamic of the party for the birthday child. I think if the mother had said we will have a special day for the two of them that would have been good but possibly a working mum has her work cut out for one party. If you have an asd child in your family you are used to and can cope with their behaviour. Not everyone can and it is better to acknowledge that rather than the mum pretend that she can manage.

You said that his mother would have been at the party ?Why is this? Would he not be happy to be left? Maybe this is what the Mum objected to?

Persistent. I think the problem in our case is that it is a charity and there are a lack of volunteers. I agree it would be lovely for him to have his own club as siblings generally go to the ones he is involved in now

This made me cry because I remember all the occasions my daughter was not included in things. My son who is younger, used to say that she should not wait to be asked but just go along but she couldn't do it. He used to go to everything and was very popular but she struggled all her life. We lived in Holland at the time and there they are very direct and sometimes if she did ask she was told that they didn't want her. It is heartbreaking but now she is 38 and has learned many valuable lessons along the way. She is now very happy and comfortable in her own skin. I wonder looking back if I was more upset than she was as adults realise the implications.
You will get over this but I know you won't forget but I am sure you will make his day just as pleasurable and unfortunately there will be bigger hurdles to overcome.

A grandmother really should not be speaking to the mother planning the party. Caring for your GC is one thing but interfering in their social life is not on.

My AS grown-up son had a best friend whom he met when said friend moved to new school in year 8 (an "adopted family member" for all of us) who for some reason always kept DS apart from his other circles of friends. At first he felt hurt and puzzled by this, but they grew ever closer, and when they grew up the time they spent together every other week-end was "us time" and more precious for that. The mother in your sad tale is the one in the wrong - yes, would suggest you treat the birthday boy and your GS to a 2-lad treat which both will enjoy more than a party.

I don't think the mother should be questioned, a party invite isn't a right, perhaps the little friend didn't want the grandson to attend, I do understand the hurt and am so sorry you are distressed

No don't keep quiet, speak your mind. Unto yourself be true

Just deleted what I originally intended to post.....a quote from Alexander Pope

No don't keep quiet. Unto yourself be true.

I'm sorry that happened it must be very hurtful to feel excluded. It's difficult to know what is in other people's hearts and minds. It may be worth speaking with the Mum and hearing how she feels, if as you say they are close friends, it must be odd to everyone and she would be aware of that. Probably in her mind she is prioritising how she perceives her son will be happy on his Birthday and / or what she feels able to cope with. Hopefully there will be an opportunity for both boys to celebrate each other's birthdays together maybe on a trip just the two of them. The other issue to consider is how the other little boy feels. Sometimes a child will tell their parent what they need and want including not wanting someone to come over and the parent has to respect that even if they get the blame for appearing rude.

GREENFINCH and others?
You say there is an ASD group a few miles away and with a waiting list.....
Thinking out loud here....
Could you discuss with the main driver of that group and help them start another group closer to your home?

Would your grandson really 'not enjoy' the party? Would they be doing an activity that would be difficult for him? His friend's Mum may genuinely be concerned that he would feel out of place and not enjoy the arranged activities. I know my grandson would be stressed and upset at loud noises and all the strange faces, etc. You could try thanking the other Mum for being considerate and caring (and maybe call her bluff!)

As a teacher, I saw this happen frequently. It broke my heart to see children left out. On one occasion the whole class, apart from one child were invited. I was raging and upset for the child, but as a professional could say nothing when the child's mother came to me. On the other hand, many children with Aspergers do not like loud noise, some of our pupils wore ear defenders to block out noise in the classroom,so being at party was not the best environment for them. It upsets me to read about your grandson.