Thank you letters

My MIL and her D did not even send her DGS/ nephew (my DS) a birthday card this year. They usually send him a card each and joint present of a cheque. I emailed to say they had better cancel the cheque as nothing had arrived so it must be lost in the post, to be advised they hadn't sent any this year. They said he's working now, which is fair enough on the cheque side of things , but to not even send him a card! I find that bizarre. MIL still sends her son, my DH, a card and cheque. (I felt they could have at least told us they weren't sending the DGS anything this year so I could warn him not to be expecting it). And he does write or email to say thank you! (Admittedly I have to nag him, but he does do it!)

After years of being made to write thank you letters (by me) DS decided that he would only write them to my mother, because she would have apoplexy if he didn't. He always thanks us verbally or rings up if he doesn't see us. Hiswife used to write thank you letters to DM on behalf of the children, and now they write their own. DdiL also writes thank you letters to DM on behalf of their foster children, but as far as I know everyone else gets a verbal thank you.
The moral of this story appears to be that if you make it clear that a thank you letter is expected one will be received. DD also writes thank you letters to DM and no-one else.

Personally I would stop sending.
I wonder if I might add to this conversation and ask about wedding money . I usually buy a really nice gift from a list . We have been invited to my nieces wedding . I never see her although I am fond of her and she doesn't live far from us . The have said they have enough stuff, don't want presents and would like money. At risk of sounding like a grumpy old bag I am appalled but will go along with this . HOw much is enough? Opinions please.

When my children were little I used to keep a notebook handy at Christmas and birthdays to write down what they had been sent and by whom so I could get the the son and daughter to write a thank you note. My daughter certainly keeps this up but I am not sure about my son as he's too old to check up on!

Really, it is down to parents to instill the habits of gratitude as how else would the child know but by being taught to write a personal thank you - or at the very least to say it?

We should certainly keep the politer habits up as they remind that we are not alone and that we owe much to others.

People should always respond,it is simply good manners.

Like everyone else, I enjoy buying presents for people on special occasions, whether this is for birthdays, Christmas, weddings, the arrival of new babies or anything else. Like all of you, I take time and effort to try to find something that will give pleasure to the recipient - or send money or vouchers if I know this would be preferred.
When you are too far away to give the gift personally, It is very hurtful and upsetting not to get an acknowledgement of any kind, which would let you know the item has been received - or even appreciated. Why indeed should anyone bother to invest time and resources (both emotional and financial) on those who only know how to 'take' in a relationship?

I know few younger people would write a note by hand these days - but emails and phone calls are a doddle for people who have access to their own mobiles and computers. (Anyone else out there remember what it was like queuing for a public telephone so you could still speak to your mum after you left home - or to your far away boyfriend?) There is NO EXCUSE not to get in touch these days when communication is so easy. And no-one likes being taken for granted.

So - I think we should DO something about this! No just use Gransnet as a place to let off steam. Something needs to change. Who else thinks we should start up a pressure group?

I don't care what format - letter, email, text, phone call - just a thank you is enough for me. I have sent cards, presents and money to nieces who have never said thank you - even £100 each for their weddings - and not a squeak. They are both now in their late 30s. I am now so relieved that I have stopped this farce of choosing cards and sending what, over the years, must have been a fortune! I had previously tried to bring it up with my brother (their father) which was awkward and to no avail. I now have more self respect since stopping.

Why do we send gifts? So that the recipient can enjoy them or so that we are appreciated? I used to hate birthdays and Christmases because of the torment of the subsequent chore of letters, all to be different, interesting and at least two pages. Now if I give a gift I let go of it as it leaves me and just imagine the pleasure it gives. After some years of this DGs often say thank you spontaneously now and I find that has so much more meaning than a 'duty' letter would. If not, and I don't hear, so what? It's not mine any more once I've given it, I'm OK with that.

I think when presents are sent it is just the need to know it has arrived. When given face to face a thank you there and then is fine.

I was expected to spend Boxing Day writing TY letters and now only immediate family and a few local kids receive presents. Next door kids pop round ro say thinks, and others say verbal thanks when i see them

When my daughter got married her new husband had three children from a previous marriage. I rarely see them but always gave presents for their birthdays and Christmas. I stopped bothering with the birthday presents as they were never acknowledged. I'd like to stop with the Christmas presents too, but don't want to cause offence. The children are old enough to send a text, or to say thank you when they see me, but there is never a word. It makes me so cross. I brought my own children up to write thank you cards.

I'd stop sending but would buy a small thing if you are seeing them at Christmas

I had this problem too so now send cheques so I know they are cashed and assume received

A written thank you on paper in envelope is lovely but I am happy with any thank you, e mail, text, phone call. If none I would just send a card. I loved the last present being a pack of thank you cards. Maybe we should put a thank you card with a stamped envelope in with the present, that would be a good way to start a campaign.

Myself, my 90 year old mother and my son have been sending gifts to his estranged children for 9 sad years now. Not one acknowledgement from them or the mother. The only message he did receive was a nasty and spiteful letter after I had hand delivered a gift for my DGD 16th birthday. She said that I was underhand and trying to pull a fast one. I'm sick to death of her spite and feel obliged not to send anything at all. My DGS birthday is this month on 16th. I've given up now and it breaks my heart.

I did ask once because no-one had said anything, all I got was yes, no thank you or anything, I never receive a thank you off any of them & to be honest as much as I love my grandchildren it is a struggle to find enough to send, the state pension doesn't go very far, I have no other income

My DD says Ive spoiled special occasions by hassling her to send thank y ou notes. She would rather send an email or text, which is fine but some older people are lax about reading emails so I always insisted that she wrote notes or cards. I don't know what she will do with DGD when she is old enough to write but I am staying out of it.

What a good idea

Two of my children are really good at thanking people for gifts to their children, the third has to be reminded constantly. When the last baby was born I actually ended up sending them a pack of thank you cards and stamps because I was getting so embarrassed assuring people that the presents had arrived. My DIL can be very off hand about presents when they are opened and I never know if they are liked or not. I suppose I should stop buying them but then the grandchildren suffer.

This is really not about expecting a thank you ,it's about whether their parents taught them to write a thank you. When my DC were small I nagged them to write a thank you note after they received any kind of gift. I did that to teach them to be grateful for the fact that someone went out of their way to go to a store and pick out something just for them. So what is going on is that not many people have manners or many people feel entitled to the gift.

DotingGrandma - now why didn't I think of that?

Well I am on my hobby horse, I was brought up (many moons ago) to always send a thank you card when having received a present, even if I have received it from that person. Nowadays this seems to have gone out of fashion, occasionaly I may receive a text message form one of my four Grandchidren, also I send a little cash electronically, to them, when they are doing something special, but rarely receive a thank you. I think if having sent money in a card, it is wise to ring and ask if they have recieved it, if they dont acknowledge it them selves, things can be mislaid in the post! This can be a gentle reminder, that it is manners to say thank you, in any way or form.
Stepping down from my hobby horse now.

A brilliant idea, if they dont then take the hint, dont bother any more.

I still write "thank you" cards even now. Or thank people via email, social media etc. But definitely thank them in some way.

I must admit I hate that. Two really close friends (who live away but you get my meaning) NEVER thanked me for their gifts, even if it was just through social media (which I am on and so are they). After several times of asking them (I used to send them stuff if I found it and knew they would love it) I posted on FB "getting fed up of having to ask if parcels had got there" (could have meant Ebay - which I sell on occasionally). Funny how they BOTH knew I mean them. Although things came to a head when ONE (of the above) friends decided when it was my birthday not to send me anything because "she didn't know what to buy me" (Amazon gift card would have been lovely - as would a CARD if not a present) and then made some excuse that she hadn't been paid yet (to another friend) - so clearly had decided not to buy me anything last year (didn't matter but she could have at least said something). I bought her her birthday present (and she got it on her birthday - and I knew she would like it) but it, again I had to ASK her if she had received her parcel 3 TIMES before she answered. What's wrong with people these days?

Its such a shame that so many of our youngsters don't send thank you notes. I don't expect them and its always a bonus when they arrive.

IMO the younger generation have so much more in the way of material possessions, they take the gifts for granted. I have been quite shocked to overhear a conversation where the youngsters were comparing the monetary value of the gifts from different people.