Helping adult children with money

Izabellaa cup of coffee bought with love is worth a king's ransom. I still treasure the memory of mushrooms on toast with my mum treating me in Hendersons in Liverpool forty years ago. I had mushrooms on toast for this Mothering Sunday. Sorry not trying to derail it is sad reading what happened in SPF 's and menomum's families.

Thank you Imperfect27 for your input, I agree with everything you have said.
It's hard for a mother, all you want to do is 'make it better' but as you and my DH say, they are adults and have made their bed.

I totally understand your frustration menomum. Seems to me you have been very generous - in spirit as well as monetarily and that you are doing a sterling job of staying silent now.
They are adults and have made their bed - I think your DH is right not to offer more, even though it must be hard to see your DS flogging away.
Sounds like DS and DIL need to chat to each other about expectations and she may need to be more realistic and your son may need to speak up more - but it is their private territory.
By not bailing them out, you are making a silent statement. it is up to them to sort it between themselves. I guess the best you can do is be a listening ear / supportive if your son voices anxiety, but even then I would steer clear of making any judgment / comment beyond suggesting he and his wife chat things through together. Hopefully they will mange things well in time and in their own way.

I'm so glad this thread is here because there's something I just want to get off my chest.
DH and I offered DS and DIL X amount of £s to purchase a used vehicle we were going to get on the road for them (tax and insurance) to help them out. We were all looking forward to going 'shopping' for the vehicle, especially DH. Next we hear, DIL and her DS and our son have been 'shopping' and found a used vehicle that costs X amount of £s which makes our 'gift more like a deposit. DH was not happy but I begged him not to kick up a stick, we promised the monetary gift so we had to come through even though we didn't entirely agree with their choice. The rest was paid on their CC and now DS is under pressure to make the monthly's and DIL still want's to go out on holidays etc spending money they can't afford. DS is working himself to a bone, not eating and sleeping properly and I just have to stand back and watch this happening. DH is very moralistic and principled and will not offer any more money to help DS out with the debt and rightly so but it's heart breaking to witness.
sorry for the thread crap ...

We have, at different times, helped three of our four children when they've needed it. The fourth has never needed financial assistance, but has had lots of support in other ways and not only doesn't begrudge the money spent on her siblings, but has also helped all of them financially herself. When her brother's car needed replacing recently she immediately offered a substantial sum towards a replacement, as did we and my husband's parents. In our family we've just always rallied round whoever is in need without counting the cost. Those who are not in a position to give financial help show support in other ways, and tanith, that's every bit as valuable and appreciated.

I think there has to be care taken so that the giver of the money does not feel like a walking Bank Account.
I would advocate treating all children equally but recently had the experience of me making an offer to each (adult) child and the partner of one of those adults starts to assume a figure more than double the offer. The (adult) child when asked about this claimed to know all about the extra demand. The result was that the household was not given the offer. Another (adult) child got more than the original amount and has been paying back the extra meticulously for a year now suddenly payments have stopped and there are hints that money is needed for this and that. I will not be paying up. Another (adult) took the offer as stated and followed the advice given and has not asked for anything else.
So despite trying to treat all children equally it is not as easy as it sounds because they are adults with their own views and opinions.
At the moment I just feel like the above "walking bank account"
SPF

If you don't live for 7years the tax is on a sliding scale so the receiver wouldn't necessarily pay tax on it all.

My DD 2 has just paid for her sister who is broke (Not her fault) to go on holiday with her Just a three day flat rental inUK but am very proud of her

Indeed, pollyparrot, but what they think is "best" at the time can often backfire.
My Mil gave my husband's sister her inheritance early to buy a big house and live the life of Riley. Mil's purse was always open to pay for everything my Sil's family wanted, but not once did our family receive a penny. Lo and behold, Sil's marriage broke up, all the money had disappeared and Mil is now destitute having given everything to the one offspring. My husband was surprisingly calm and philosophical about never seeing his inheritance, knowing his sister was always favoured over him, but he nearly died on the floor when recently his mother turned to him for a contribution towards her nursing home costs! He had to spell it out to her word for word, but she still won't have a word said against his sister.
Now there is nothing but animosity, bad feeling and resentment within the family, and it is Mil herself who is responsible for the rift which cannot be healed.

Thanks for all the responses. I don't think any particular course of action is correct. Everyone does what they think is best for their own family and their own circumstances.

Am with Nelliemaggs on this one. I give according to need and the children are happy about this and, indeed, will help one another if the need arises. (ie. DD1 making loans/gifts to DD2 who is still at university when she is in need and I can't help.)

When it comes to presents at Christmas time or birthdays, it's strict rotation. One gets the lion's share each year as I'm not well off and the other two get tokens, knowing that their turn will come the following year or the year after.

They're all concerned for one another and wouldn't thank me for treating them, "equally" if they could see a sibling's need was greater at the time.

I help my two children as and when they need it and will even it up with their inheritances.

I am pleased and proud to help them. That's what my money is for and they are both really good children.

If I had more than one grown up child, I would help them all as and when needed. I would hope that if I gave money to one in need, the others would not take money from me "just because" if they did not need it at that time. I would also hope they would help each other, where possible.

We have 4, and believe that they're all different, with different needs.
We've given to all of them at one time or another, never large amounts, but I don't think any of them think they should all be the same.
But for other families it's different It's the way we've brought them up, no rights or wrongs.
One is doing well financially and he sometimes helps the others out. And us.

I have 5 children and keep a book for each of them of money they have had for uni, running a car etc. Four are sensible with money,one isn't. In about 18 months our youngest will leave uni and I am hoping the bank of Mum and Dad will close,for a while at least. We hope to balance up what they have had at that stage so that they have had equal amounts. It would be lovely to give according to need but not sure whether it would work. I hope our kids will feel we have been fair.

I wonder if it's possible to leave sums to GC stipulating that they must be a certain age before receiving it?

I know it used to be quite common to this (say 21 or 25) but I dare say there are ways round it now...I'd certainly be wary of leaving a large chunk of my estate to my GC if they'd be able to access it at age 18!

It's always interesting to get other people's views. That's a thought, Falconbird, the GCs might not make the most sensible use of it anyway. Food for thought.

We've spent the same on each of our 3 when appropriate, help for things like university costs, presents, wedding funds (even though one cost three times what we gave, and another about 5% of it, they each got the same).

But I don't see money spent on the grandchildren as being part of our children's "entitlement". At the moment, one of our DC has two children, one has just one and the other has declared that she does not intend to have children at all. I have never seen any sign of resentment from her when we've spent on the grandchildren. She doesn't see it as her siblings getting more than her, as this is about her nephews, who she loves dearly.

I am with you Tanith. Cannot believe how many people are able to give handouts. Buying a coffee when out is about my limit.

I think children want to be treated equally by their parents both when they are growing up and as adults. I'd hate to create any bad feeling between my children by showing what could be perceived as favouritism.

Thanks annsixty and jings for the kind thoughts

I understand the desire of a parent to leave shares in a house to two or more children, but with the proviso that one remains living in it as long as they want. The problem is that the non-resident offspring can have changes in circumstances that might mean they also need/would like the money and could be resentful towards the sibling. I have seen this happen more than once. I don't know what the answer is.

That's very interesting, what you say Humbertbear. My younger daughter is single, and she is a very hardworking person. She has not had things anything like as easy as the other daughter has. I always feel she deserves more than the others. It's so difficult. I do as you do - pay for her treats, and sort of smuggle her extra where I can! I would hate there to be any bad feeling amongst them later though.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't Nina. Best wishes to her.

My stepdaughter recently needed a large amount of money to get here out of a difficult situation. My husband was all for giving/lending her all she needed, but, as we have 4 other children between us, I insisted that we should set an upper limit so that, should the other 4 suddenly need help as well, we could treat them all equally. Although I felt very guilty at the time, I'm sure it was the right thing to do.