Why is this a problem

Loopy that would be us, re the cars. DBH takes months to research his, and they always but always have faults. I go to second hand garages, ask which one the salesmen would buy for their own wives, walk off with one half an hour later, and have had the last one for 8 years without problems (crossfingers) and it is 15 years old.

greyduster . That's exactly what I thought!!

I think the incessant 'looking' is a form of prevarication, it drove me potty looking for my last second hand car, so much so I dumped him at MacDonalds, bought him a Big Mac and coffee and phoned him an hour later when I had decided- bit like he was a recalcitrant child

It was either that or leave him 17 miles from home with no transport..... quite tempting at the time! It also stopped him quizzing the saleswoman about everything and anything (cringe), not that he's an expert!

Retirement is a bit late to start on getting DH to do things himself. We have always done our own thing. - a recipie for a happy marriage. DH has now taken up carpentry and reads a lot and goes on long hikes.
I play Bridge. I never liked anybody hanging on to me and if he did that now I would go crazy.
Hope he finds a hobby. Its no state for either of you at the moment. At least tell him how you feel.

I don't think it is ever too late, retirement is such a dramatic change in life style for both parties, it can take a while to adjust. We made the change slowly, I retired from normal full time work at 57, I then worked part time for a charity as a carer, gradually cutting back on my hours, when DW retired I was only working 5 hours/week. DW also gradually cut her hours towards her retirement.

I have a friend with a DH like that. She just lets him get on with doing nothing while she continues all her usual activities, most of which are outside the home. Early on he was diagnosed with diabetes and became obsessed with having to eat his meals at absolutely regular times and wanting his wife to be always home on time so that she could prepare the meal and they could eat together. She told him firmly if the time he ate was an issue she would keep the fridge stocked so he could prepare a meal himself if she was not home.

They are happily married and all four of us meet up regularly for a meal and her DH is good company. My friend has always been the more social active one in the partnership and she quietly made it clear that her life was going to remain active, even though DH was now retired and happy to do nothing much all day.

"I think that what you need when you retire is a job that isn't a job," said DH when we were planning our individual retirements. And we did just that, with the organisation to which we both belong - Rotary International (in different clubs, I hasten to add) and others.

I "worked" for quite some time as an Ambassador for Cancer Research UK, talking to groups and fundraising, and DH "worked" as Chair of the moderating board at the Young Offenders Institute.

We have slowed down a bit now, but he still goes off cycling every other day (does about 26 miles!!!) and I do a bit of mediation work.

That suited us - we could not live in each other's pockets. But then, the first twenty or so years of our marriage were spent in the Armed Forces, where one had to be able to cope independently.

It sounds like you have had lots of happy times, unfortunately I can not say the same, we have had lots of mostly bad times and I have found that the older I become the more I crave for a happier peaceful life.

I can see why Parcs, if you've been largely unhappy for so long.
Good luck

I know just where you're coming from Parcs my DH also retired because of ill health. Because he is not a "joiner" and really has no interest in other people I always knew his retirement would be difficult, but I hadn't bargained on the illness as well! He can't carry on with the one hobby he had, which was sea fishing and isn't interested in anything else. I don't often go out for a day because I can't rely on him to eat properly and I'm liable to come home and find him having a diabetic hypo. One of my friends pays £20 an hour for a carer to keep an eye on her DH but that's way out of our budget. The only thing that keeps me sane is looking after our 2year old GS during the week. At least he's always happy!

parcs It seems to me that your problems are far deeper than just the problems that go with a husband retiring and being at home all day not doing anything, which is what your OP suggested.

Perhaps what you really need is counselling with someone who has both marriage guidance experience and an understanding of the changes retirement has on relationships. Talking to an outside person with the right background knowledge might help you think about your situation and guide you as you work out what result you really want and what you must do to achieve that result.

Deedaa things sound a little worse for you so sorry that you can not even go out but D You can get help, there is such a thing called Restbite that is offered free to carers like yourself a council carer stays with the. Sick person while the carer gets to go out for the day..although I can almost hear you say that your husband would not want that.

You do however have sufficient needs to apply for Restbite.

Thank you flick that is a good suggestion and somehow you simplified things.

I know what I want and that's to be happy. I have been confused about this in the past because I was putting off the separation but now I feel that if it were possible to remain friends, I think separation would be the best bet for me.

When was the last time you were away from your husband?

When he was in hospital about three years ago

Parcs going back a bit I'll grant you, but when two or three (maybe more, not worth going back to check) people who are making the same sort of comment as I did, namely that it seemed familiar just wondering why you chose to make a comment made/aimed specifically at me?

I could of course feel flattered to be the main object of a post, but funnily enough, it isn't working out that way!

I took hub away for a long weekend in the run up to his retirement and discussed (as in spelt out) that we would be driving each other mad if in the house together all day, or even not in the house.

Hub now goes to gym most of one day and into town to a gallery or something on one other day. I volunteer here and there on a couple of days and there is a spare weekday for doing stuff together, plus weekends. That way we have something to talk about in the evenings.

Don't we all like time in the house on our own? Does anyone know of a husband who understands this?

Parcs, many posters have resonated with you and understand how you are probably feeling. You do really need to get out there, wherever there is, and build up some interests for yourself. You won't change your husband and although you say he is "recently" retired, 5 years sounds like quite a while to me. You sound very sensitive and maybe you are are hesitant to make the effort but I would urge you to join something and spend less time at home resenting the unmotivated husband. Who knows, if you had some new interests and acquaintances to discuss he may feel like getting up and exploring the world outside home for himself. He could be depressed which having interests would help with. And it would definitely help you. Give it a try.

Parcs, beware of thinking that separation wil solve all your problems. Being on your own is different but brings its own challenges. For instance you say he does nothing, but if there was a problem like a dripping tap or a radiator that needed bleeding who would fix it? or ask someone else to fix it? When you are on your own you become responsible for everything that goes wrong. I'm not saying it isn't right for some people but be careful -to use my mother's expression "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water"!

Was desperately waiting for hub to go on holiday recently. He went for a week. I had a leak in the roof which reached down through bathroom to hall - and I was on my own to deal with it. No water for several days, plumbers came and went. By the time he got back I never wanted him to go away again. It's not just the practicalities, it's having someone to talk to about it all. Family and friends can't get that interested in someone else's leak.

I've advised this before, on anther thread, but take a large spoonful of "bicarb of soda and rise above it" seriously though, separation is so hard to do in reality - particularly if you have no prop - I'm not being funny, but the people who leave long term relationships/marriages successfully, are usually those who have a "significant other" in the background/foreground - whatever. It is so very hard (without a lottery win) to say - that's it - I'm off - if you've been brought up in the 50's/60's with those values of "made your bed now lie in it" etc. I truly believe it is easier for those born after the feminist revolution to a) assert themselves in the realationship and b) go ahead and do it anyway!!. Perhaps I'm talking rubbish but "cool" talk and "hard" talk is easy to do but not so easy to put into practice. I advocate (after bitter experience) turning the tables and taking control i.e getting on with doing what YOU want to do - it could be "do nothing" but it could also be get involved in other stuff - just let the anger, resentment and stress go and find somewhere else to settle. As my Granny was wont to say "don't let the buggers get to you". Even at the tender age of 6 I knew who she was referring to! She didn't have a soul mate relationship with Grandpa but she had a brilliant relationship with her daughter (OC) and her four granddaughters - despite his dominance! That's the advice she gave and I think she is right - 50 years later.

Wise words Jomarie, I agree, develop space for yourself. Mine's a lifesaver, we all need 'me time'.

Parcs we will probably come to that eventually but I've met some very nice council carers and I'm not sure I'd want to inflict DH on them until it's really necessary.

Margaretx there was a time when I was happy just looking after my children and not having much to do with DH. But as they needed me less,I looked to him for happiness and that was the biggest mistake I made because to date I am still waiting. Before we had children we worked together and were together most of the time and we were very happy and thought we would go back to that but we did not.

What I wanted to ask you Margaret iz a bit personal and please do not reply if you do not wish to. But why do you prefer to spend time away from DH. My DH tells me you don't need me and If I want to go out then I can go alone. But I don't want to go alone or be alone that's why I married

What!!?? You got married because you don't want to go out alone??!!