Someone tell me not to speak my mind..

In my experience, things ebb and flow and it could be that your DS and DIL will need more help at a later date and your DD will need less. You could gently point that out too.

The advice on here is good but it will be difficult for you - good luck.

Yes good luck Anya. I also have a very difficult DIL and because my son has been very ill with cancer (recovering now) I have had to be the soul of diplomacy and keeping it zipped for my son's sake.

I have felt quite ill at times with bottling it up.

I think you need to follow the advice above and keep a lid on it. I have every sympathy for you. We only have one grandson and dote on him, and until fairly recently, my DS was (until recently) very disparaging in his comments about the amount of time we devoted to looking after him (which is not a lot in the great scheme of things - we just like spending time with him!). I have never taken him to task about it even though I have often felt like slapping him down. DS has no children of his own and therein lies the issue, but there is no point in pouring salt on a running sore.

Round one, with DS, went well. We had a frank and open discussion about the specific issue which arose this weekend but I stuck to my guns. When the subject of how much I do for his sister and her family came up, I changed the subject the first time, but DS brought it up a second time so I used Eloethan's suggestion which effectively stopped him in his tracks.

Now doubtless I'll have a re-run with DiL, who is much less reasonable, she picks GD2 up later today. Unless I avoid her by not being there when she arrives, and leave DH to deal with her. It's getting that I avoid her as much as possible as she is always on about this.

Often the best thing is to act as if nothing unpleasant has been said and to carry straight on.
If your DiL and DS are increasing the number and unpleasantness of comments, tho, maybe it's something that needs to be brought into the open, but not when you or they are angry.
Good idea to follow Eloethan's suggestion and be diplomatic to get your message across.
Best of luck.

Oops, you posted while I was fiddling about with the keyboard. ☺

anya well done on round 1. I'd be inclined to listen quietly to what my DIL has to say (or pretend to anyway as you seem to know what she will be saying!) and then say something along the lines of "We've been over this before, and I've given thought to your opinion but of course XX (husband's name) and I also have a view and right now I think I am doing the right thing by helping out with all my grandchildren according to need". Perhaps if you bring in your husband she will back off. I'm trying to exactly remember the "assertiveness code" which doesn't allow the other person to manipulatea conversation (perhaps others will know more about it) but it works for me, I just remember DESC and keep it brief:

Describe the situation
Explain your view
Summarise what you've said
Conclude.

There is often a moment in relationships when you reach a crossroad and one way spells disaster. Please listen to all the good advice above. How many people advised ''having it out''? Quite!

I bottled things up for years about the way our daughter treats us on occasions. I have smiled, taken it all and said nothing. The problem with that is that it built up inside and I eventually exploded (I am usually a mouse) and it all came out. She was shocked and upset. It was a mistake. Things have never been the same since. I know it's different with your DIL. Good luck.

The important thing is STOP, THINK! - you really do not want to say anything you might later regret.

Yes, be diplomatic. She could be jealous of the relationship you have with your DD if she does not have the same sort of relationship with her own mother.

If you feel very angry you could write it down (longhand not on the pc!) then shred or burn it - immediately!
It might get it out of your system.

Oh, just read Eloethan's post and she suggests writing it down too - but don't keep it!!

You sound as if you do a lot for all of them - try not to get too tired or stressed. You need some tlc too.

I agree with all that is said. It is up to the older generation to act wise and stay silent. Intense jealousy usually comes from a deep sense of insecurity. Maybe she wishes you were her mum, and by bad mouthing your daughter, she might misguidedly think this will mean more love for her.

Hard as it seems, maybe you could kill her with kindness. As has already been said, telling her how much you value her comments and concerns may wrong foot her but also boost her self esteem.

If she does have problems, anything negative you say will blow out of all proportion.

Many years ago my MiL asked me whether she should say anything to her other DiL about her behaviour. I cautioned her not to, saying that if it came to a choice between his wife and mother, she would lose.

Sadly she said something to my brother in law and they never spoke again.

I learnt a very long time ago, smile and look as if you are listening and agreeing, then go your own way and say nothing. I never say anything to anyone in my family about another family member, because the rows I have witnessed have been over such simple things yet the repercussions have lasted for years. I have two sisters who haven't spoken to each other for years and one of them has only just started speaking to my mother again - and they can't even remember what the row was about, exactly! This has been very hard for me, because I am by nature very outspoken. However, I do have a brain...

Thank heavens for places like this. I can tell you lot that SiL is a lazy slob, shoves ketchup on everything, won't eat anything other than roast and roasted potatoes and chips and bread, the only veg being Heinz baked beans, still hasn't put up shelves from 4 years ago and will never have a better job than the one he has now. If I can endure him coming to stay with me for weeks at a time, with my big mouth, I have great hopes for you Anya!

Well DiL has just left. You would all be proud of me. I greeted her at the door with a hug and told her she looked nice (she always does). I didn't give her a chance to 'get started' just launched into an account of what we did with GD2 this morning (visited a music shop so we could look at all the instruments and name them) and how good she had been, what she'd had for lunch (quail eggs) and how we might get some quails.

Poor woman couldn't get a word in edge ways. Just as they were leaving she started on her favourite subject (grrrrrr...) but I cut across her and drew her attention to the snowdrops in my garden and picked one for GD2 to take with her. All the time smiling brightly.

Fortuitously the phone started ringing inside, so I gave her another hug, said good bye and excused myself to answer it.

The incident which brought this to a head (which I haven't gone into details about but was something I had asked them to do for us) has been resolved with my DS. But it was festering all weekend aided and abetted by several texts between us. Being able to talk about it and sleeping on all the advice given has helped me so much.

So once more, thanks to you all xx

Well done Anya!
x

Yes indeed!

Medal winging its way to you - we need a medal icon!

Well done Anya......very proud emoticon!

[thumbs up] anya

janerowena very good post and reminds me too. I've got 5 SILs and there is never consensus ...and I've had to learn over the years that what I say to one is often used against A.N. Other depending on where the latest alliance is ... They continually are not speaking to each other and it's hard to keep up with the different factions.

It is, and it's very upsetting.

I am very proud of you, anya because I really do understand how tough it is. I too have become very adept at changing the subject and being perfectly lovely whilst hustling them out of the door.

I can't be too critical of DD's choice of partner, because I only have to look at Ex to see where she got her faulty male-choosing genes from!

That's great Anya - well done to you.

Well done - crisis averted!

Ever had an 'ah ha' moment and wondered why, when it was so obvious, you didn't see it before.

It hit my this afternoon. My DiL simply wants to know that I love and appreciate her girls as much as I love and appreciate my DDs boys. That's why she seems so bitter, she feels that because I do more for my GSs and see more of them, as a consequence I am closer to them.

It's true, I am much 'closed' to them, but I love my GDs just as much.

I feel so stupid not realising this earlier.

Those lightbulb moments - you are right of course.