Campaign to end loneliness

I meet people from the U3A now and go to various groups here - but:
I would love to have someone who I could go out with and enjoy the same things together.

All my old friends are a long way away.
Although I know neighbours, they are not friends.....

I don't want a partner, or anyone to live with.
Just to be able to say 'Do you want to go and see this?' and go.

I'm lonely, I don't mind admitting, and sad too. You never think anything like this would happen and then, boom, it does and life changes for ever. I have just spent the day with very good friends, eaten a late lunch and come home. I felt lonely when I was with them because they talk about where they're going, what they are planning, what they did last week together (as a long married couple) and I think, that was us less than 2 years ago and now all our hopes and plans are for nothing. I understand ps when he says he doesn't have the 'means or reason' to get out and start to live, although most of the time I make myself do things otherwise I would go mad. Sometimes, you can't see the wood for the trees. I am healthy, I am comfortable, I am lucky, but none of that helps with the constant feeling of 'will this feeling of loneliness ever get better?'

JessM - I'm afraid so although infinitely better than 10 months ago but the hurt is still there and memory triggers are still too frequent although not as frequent, I guess because all I have is 4 walls to speak to. Family and friends are 200 miles away. On the up side it's work tomorrow so the sooner tonight is over the better. I need to be in Manchester tomorrow and Tuesday. Unfortunately as per my last trip there some months ago it is to a building a minute or so away from where my ex and I last had dinner out, just before she left. It's on Deansgate so not looking forward to that. I will concentrate on work and venture elsewhere for lunch. I keep reminding myself that there are those in a far worse place than me so do try to keep a sense of reality, as difficult as it is. We will get there, I am determined to.

I think there's a difference between being lonely and being isolated.

I have a retired hubby, (also my carer), who is wonderful, and I quite like my own company so I don't feel lonely. However, I am very isolated. I would love to be a part of a small women's group, where I could chat about womens issues, do things with other women (my hubby HATES shopping, but it would be nice to go and buy a new skirt without hearing the tut...).

I am not ashamed to admit that!

Sounds a bit grim pd - is it?

JessM, Tegan, lam64 apologies for not replying, I didn't follow the thread, forgive me. I have no idea who I live close to if I'm honest, lonely or not. I'm pretty much seen as a private person, at least according to my neighbour who I did manage to speak to a few months ago, but that is only a product of my circumstances and being in an unfamiliar place. As for tiredness I can say no, in fact quite the contrary. I am 65 but still have an abundance of energy and the ladies at work consider that I am not indicative of my age. It's just that I do not have a means or reason to use my energies and so remain a recluse and have done so for a year. I immerse myself in housework or work around the house but there is a limit to washing glasses that have not been used since the last wash and polishing furniture that was done a few days ago. Other than that I have nothing to occupy my time except work, ironic really fo someone who has been retired and drawing a pension for 25 years - albeit working as well, full time now for the last year - it maintains my sanity, I hope.

Galen I am sure there are many voluntary organisations that would appreciate your input as a trustee or similar. I found being a school governor very rewarding and mentally stimulating (the Department keep changing the way they judge schools on pretty much as annual basis).
Schools with a lower socioeconomic input are desperate for help on their GBs. It is a bit like being the director of a company.
I am taking a break from committee-type volunteering this year and volunteering for the NT (in the garden, but they also need people to supervise rooms and chat to visitors) - if you put in 50 hours you get free annual membership and a discount in the tea rooms.
I'm enjoying getting to know the gardening team, which reminds me of the time I spent working in the water depot. Cheerful, practical chaps. And you get to meet other volunteers.

Just getting out and going to somewhere you don't particularly want to go to can lead to other things. I did that the ohter day and bumped into an old friend from 20 years ago and we couldn't stop talking for 2 hours and have arranged to meet up again. I think that Galen will miss the mental stimulation that her job gives her as much as any social aspect.

I live on my own and have recently retired. My daughter lives 300 miles away but I try and visit monthly.
The best thing I ever did was to join the local sports centre and enrol in some classes. I didn't know anyone there but soon made new friends. I have some arthritis so do water based classes, eg water running and aquarhythmics. It's a lot of fun and health wise made a big difference.
Galen, start to see what's on offer locally, could be family history workshops, loads of things to get you out and talking to people.
Also good to meet up with friends and be a lady wot lunches!!!
Take care x

I try to keep busy with U3A activities, volunteering, meeting friends when possible, shopping etc. , but it's all the inbetween times at home on my own when I often feel lonely. TV , Facebook, Gransnet and Family History research all help, but nothing can make up for having someone to speak to and share the ups and downs of life .

Age UK have befriending services. Sometimes it's only a matter of visiting an older person in their home for a cup of tea and a chat once a week, but it makes a huge difference to someone whose main company is the TV.

Recently a theatre company near us have organised a grandparents and preschool group, free. There is a cafe, dressing up clothes, and a large play area. Here the children just set to and make up games with each other while their grandparents can chat to each other. There are many kinds of loneliness and being a carer and/or childminder is one of them. It's the physical effort required and the lack of adult conversation.

ps - Tegan makes a good point about energy levels, work and ageing. Until I retired, I'd begun to find increasingly I didn't have the energy to do anything in the evenings after work. Weekends were times to catch up with domestic stuff, and rest rather than socialise.

Flick - I'm with you all the way in your comments on Mr Hunt's superficial, judgemental and ill informed comments. Honestly - I'm married to someone from China and I know they're all good and we're all bad. Ridiculous!

ps; it's very easy to get into a routine of not mixing with people outside of work. Could it be because [I'm saying this because it's what had happened to me] that, getting older you feel more and more tired after work. I was, without realising it doing less and less because I was too tired. I don't think I'd have the energy now to reinvent myself as I did when my marriage broke up 12 years ago so can't imagine what it's like moving somewhere else. Could you get to any of the meet ups, as Jess suggested?

ps that sounds difficult to have lived somewhere, where you were happy and engaged and now be somewhere where you are not. Do you live near any other gransnetters maybe, who are also lonely?

FlicketyB I can associate with your Uncle having gone from a very confident social animal to a recluse myself. I am hoping it will pass but it's been very nearly a year now, all but 2 weeks. When living in a village in the Test Valley, Hampshire I enjoyed a very active and social life constantly occupied with community projects and village activities without a day passing with having nothing to attend to. Now I see or speak to no one except at work which I continue with in order to maintain some form of sanity and have human contact. The area I live in now is totally alien to me and I just do not have the enthusiasm or inclination to venture out of doors. I guess I can understand the isolation your Uncle felt. Perhaps it's an age thing, I don't know, but at 65 and a reasonably fit 65 at that, my mind tells me I am far too young to be as I am but I just cannot seem to find a way I can accept in order to snap out of it. I also agree that different cultures have, in the past, cared for their elderly within the family unit but as you rightly point out that is changing. I have a place overseas renown for generations living together and taking care of their senior citizens and to some degree still do in traditional mountain villages (where I am) but the more cosmopolitan towns are seeing increasing numbers of elderly people living alone and in isolation. It is becoming an problem everywhere it seems.

Thanks. (Wish I could climb a wall! Getting out of a chair sometimes has it's problems)

Galen do give me a call if you're ever 'climbing up the wall'.-only 15 mins drive away although I don't like night driving.
You are very busy just now with work and DD but when you finish work we can have some adventures. I've been to Chepstow racecourse and to Newmarket years ago.
Talked to my instructor Matt at local gym and he feels sure they could tailor exercise to your needs
Hope all is going well with DD and family

Three grandparents I never knew.Maternal GM died when I was 10.

My worst loneliness is denied contact with GS who lives one mile away!
Does Jeremy Hunt know that over 1 million grandparents denied contact also know that terrible loneliness.The govt.could do something about that but have recently taken a step back by rejecting 'shared parenting' motion.

I've lived alone for 30 yrs-worked until 8 yrs ago.Moved to this large village in 2007 and take every opportunity to participate in local activities- have good neighbours, new friends and 2 surrogate grandchildren nearby.

I recently dug out CD of Ralph McTell singing 'Streets of London.When I'm feeling lonely and sorry for myself I play/sing about 'the old girl in the closed-down market carrying her home in 2 carrier bags' and feel thankful for all the good things in my life.
that includes GN !! -especially so after our Exeter meetup.Lovely to meet you all.Well worth the journey. Many thanks to Ariadne for arranging.

Laughing out loud at your post 20.14.52 vampirequeen it wouldn't be a toss up for me, I would definitely be the one locked up!!!! my grandma would be a different story, she does drive me to distraction but I adore her and could forgive her anything.

Quite!

berylbee, thank you for your kind words. Jeremy Hunt isn't suggesting anything different, that's the problem. All he is doing is berating people in general, comparing us with other countries with a very different cultures and ignoring the fact that under changing cultural conditions most of those countries are beginning to have the same problems with lonely and isolated elderly people that we have.

Beryl, Yes, but, at any age some people find making friends and building up a social network difficult, but when you are going out to work each day, that does provide contact with other people and most people have one or two friends. But when they stop work, then life gets difficult, friends die or are disabled or move a distance and if socialising doesn't come naturally loneliness can result. I had an uncle like that, while his wife lived they had an active social life, but after she died he struggled. Neighbours kept an eye on him but he turned down invitations to meals because he said he felt awkward and had no small talk. Gradually he became very isolated.

It's me, BerylBee below, FlicketyB above
Gosh - I've just tried to copy and paste - will it work.
Yes, it did. (Sorry, I'm relatively new. Is there a nesting facility on this site ?)

FlicketyB,
I sympathise re your uncle.
Tough, tough, tsk.
But I say
'twas always thus for socially awkward folk
and I ask
what is Jeremy Hunt proposing that is different?
PS I applaud your previous posts up thread.

Beryl, Yes, but, at any age some people find making friends and building up a social network difficult, but when you are going out to work each day, that does provide contact with other people and most people have one or two friends. But when they stop work, then life gets difficult, friends die or are disabled or move a distance and if socialising doesn't come naturally loneliness can result. I had an uncle like that, while his wife lived they had an active social life, but after she died he struggled. Neighbours kept an eye on him but he turned down invitations to meals because he said he felt awkward and had no small talk. Gradually he became very isolated.

If you are housebound and cannot get out life can be very lonely, even with a caring family, who perhaps can only visit at weekends. In rural areas people socialised outside the house, at church, in the post office and shops but nobody but family ever got asked into the house. When someone gets housebound that social life outside the home disappears. The internet is fine if you are mentally fit but I have seen IT professionals lose their ability to use technology as memory loss occurs and they lose their ability to concentrate..

Sorry, I think this is a complete non issue.
We are all different - some like a lot of social intercourse, some are happier on their own.
By the time we reach our sixties/ seventies, surely most know what suits them?
If you have your health (and that's maybe a big if), most folk should have / be able to set up a system that suits them.
The exceptions?
If your health deteriorates, there could be problems.
But without in any way minimising these, thank goodness we live in this wonderful internet age. What a boon for the housebound ! Maybe Mr Hunt should be focussing on helping Seniors get online.
The only other exception I can think of would be perhaps those older people who lose a spouse where it's been the spouse who organised / negotiated the social stuff. If you're unused to taking the lead or if you are maybe a bit socially awkward then it could be difficult.
But surely, there are already enough organisations out there to help ?

If I had to live with my mother it would be a toss up as to which of us killed the other first.