I reallly want to change my life but dont know were to start

Jadey, we can all feel a bit lost at times. I am a huge list maker, and so end up listing things that have made me happy and that I should be grateful for.

Do not move to the countryside ! Its really not all its cracked up to be- some villages can be very cliquey, and I felt like I was living in a goldfish bowl in gods waiting room !!

Volunteering for homestart is a brilliant idea, and if you haven't one locally, then contact the national office, as if they have enough people interested you will find yourself on a committee !!

Also - start writing your memories for your children and grandchildren = all those family stories that will be lost of nor recorded.

I always cheer myself up with crafts- I love scrapbooking - grown up version of cutting and sticking !
Check out any women s groups as well - townswomen guild are good, plus national womens register...or if you happen to be in Dorset WAND !!

I was deeply sorrowful when one of my daughters cut off all contact with me but I am naturally cheerful and resilient. I decided I would not let the rest of my life be ruined , so I made every effort to find out why she hated me so much and when all failed I made a determined effort to put my sorrow in a separate compartment in my mind. Of course it has not gone away, and never will, but I think I can say that I am still a happy person.

I think our expectations of life have changed so much in a compartively short time - a century ago and my grandmother would have been happy if her husband did not get drunk, hit her and the children, keep her short of money for food, if she had been able to afford to use a doctor when any of them were ill, etc.
Perhaps we can only hope to be content most of the time, with happiness coming in short bursts.

No. I just don't get how you can "choose" to be happy and there it is - voila!

No way. If only.

So you really think our "default settings" is/are to be happy? (you say "no other person or thing can "make" you happy)

I do not think you can go out and "find" happiness as it is a state of mind you can only "be" happy. It isn't something that is out there somewhere and of course you can choose to be happy, no other person or thing can "make" you happy, cos that would mean someone else has control of your mind and that is impossible unless under hypnosis etc. We can be happy due to outside sources but we are again choosing to be happy about whatever it is, it is an emotion as any other.

worlie that's good.

Jadey- do find out about your local Homestart. They are crying out for volunteers in all areas of the country. You have to have had children, have a car, and be able to offer a couple of hours a week to your allocated family.
I did the training course at the end of last year and met loads of really interesting people, from many different backgrounds and made some new friends.
Just by befriending a new mum (they are eligible for help if they have a child under 5) will help you take your mind off the things that have become mundane to you, and by helping somebody by using your age and experience (!!) I'm sure you'll feel more cheerful and appreciate the good things you have already going for you.
Give it a go! and you deserve some

I think that gracesmum's comment about not being fooled into thinking that others are as happy as they seem is a good one.

The reality of life is that it is mainly drudgery of one sort or another and ticks along with flashes of real happiness. That is how it is for everyone. As long there are not too many flashes of real sadness and misery, this is the best we can expect. The grass is not always greener somewhere else, or for others.

I also think that, as long as you do not think you have a problem with depression (which could be treated), there is a lot to be said for focussing your energies on doing stuff for others - could you help with a hospital transport service, or volunteer at an Age Concern club, or help with fundraising for a charity or help with adult literacy or Home Start? There will be lots of opportunities in your area I am sure.

Sometimes we feel miserable because we are just drifting along and have no focus or something that we really care about - we need to go and find that something. It may be working for others, or it may be something creative that we will enjoy doing.

Happiness is obviously to some extent dictated by things over which we have no control (finances perhaps, or health) but we do have some control over our own happiness in the decisions that we make - not just about what we do, but about how we define happiness.

I have always believed that happiness only comes now and then, in intense flashes in life and that it would not be special if it were not so. I think it is better to aim for contentment, which is much easier to live with as it is not so intense an emotion. We would suffer emotional burn-out if always in a state of happiness.

Counting what you have got instead of dwelling on what you haven't helps a lot towards being contented, and all the suggestions about volunteering and getting out and about do also help. They can lead to friendship and fun. Personally, I find laughter to be a huge positive factor in adding to the enjoyment of life.

Jadey you sound as if you are just taking stock of things to me and I hope you soon find contentment in your life.

I like Mishap's idea of totting up good and bad things in your life and trying to identify if there is one specific thing which is holding you back or a combination of (possibly little) things. As a word of caution however, I would add that if you feel that "other people" are getting more out of life than you are, look again. Yes, some are, but others are coping with real sadness, despair, loneliness, poor health, poverty but not necessarily showing it. You only have to read some of the brave posts of Gnetters with sorrow in their lives to know that the real world is often sad and disappointing. Not wishing to sound negative, though, but I am reminded of that lovely haunting song "Is that all there is?"
A move to the country might be a fresh start but would you leave friends behind - it is not easy to start again without a "way in" to a new area, whether family, job, hobby or some other link. You can be very lonely in a village where many people have loved there for generations and you will always be an incomer.
You sound as if you might have a dose of "February" or a touch of SAD. So have a think. What does make you smile? What lifts your spirits? Can you work on those?

I agree with the suggestion of volunteering. You also, sometimes, have to be totally selfish and do something which pleases and benefits you.

My life changed totally after my husband died. I miss him still and have so many happy memories but my life has changed for the better in so many ways. I wasn't exactly a doormat but I did put my life on hold for the last four years of his life.

Sometimes it is just a question of getting out and getting absorbed in something.

Good luck!

j08 stansgran there is only one God x / Just wanted to say that it has really helped me this Thread and to say that I do truly appreciate all that I have fully and totally understand those that have pointed out to me that I do need to appreciate what I have.

when struck a bit of a chord saying that helping other people eg voluntary work can bring happiness so gonna give that a good try. Very very grateful for all the well thought out intelligent post's, I have learnt form every one of them thank you

I believe happiness is a state of mind



first day of Spring yesterday , certainly did not feel like it .

JO8 AT LEAST YOUR REMARK MADE ME LAUGH SO THERE WE GO IM HAPPY HA HA

You can make up your mind not to be made miserable by Life, or to appear to be happy, but happiness is not a commodity you can order and be sure you will get it delivered.

I don't believe you can choose. I read somewhere you can make up your mind to be happy. Bollocks. Total.

I entirely agree with FB . I once read that you can choose to be happy or choose to be sad and to a certain extent I think that's true. I ve been to Burma Laos an Vietnam and been humbled by people's ability to be happy. Buddhism may have a lot to do with it. I have a picture of two tiny monks about seven or eight years old immersed in a game of blowing a rubber band across a crack in the paving. Then I think of my GCs playroom. The pursuit of happiness is rubbish and I blame that misinterpretation for a lot of the problems in the US. It surely meant the ability to believe in whatever god you chose not in a life of selfish hedonism

I am reading The Art of Happiness at the moment - a book club choice and not what I would have chosen myself, simply because books that offer you a simple answer to happiness entirely miss the point that what is happiness for one person is not for another; and that there is no simple answer.

I don't know how old you are Jadey, but I made a huge life change at the age of 50 and did not regret it - big career change with big financial implications.

The starting point was making a list: one was a list about what I had at that point, with two columns, the good and the bad. And I "weighted" them - so some got a score of 5 and others of 1 perhaps - and then I could tot them up. It is a good way of analysing what is causing dissatisfaction.

The second list was about the things that I wanted and hoped for - again with good/bad columns and scores.

Sometimes it helps to analyse things in this clinical way.

Before you can decide how to change your life, you need to look at the things about your current life that you would not want to lose as well as just dreaming of what you might like.

I agree with Greatnan that you need to identify what you might change in order to improve things, but also doing things to bring happiness or support to others is rewarding and brings inner contentment. Change a few things, take up something new or different, and work on accepting what cannot possibly be changed. Sometimes moving elsewhere just moves problems elsewhere, too.

Jadey If you go out looking for Happiness, with a capital H, you won't find it. It creeps up on you when you are doing something else.

If you are fed up, then you need something to focus on that is not just keeping everything going. Look for something that needs your input to be successful - there are many small charities in need of volunteers. Make up your mind to do somethin different once a week, like eating out somewhere (it does not need to be an expensive restaurant) taking a bus ride to an area you have never been to, talking to a stranger at the supermarket.

Moving to The Country as a general dream is not the same as living in a specific place which is not the city. If you are serious about wanting to move, then take your bus rides to small towns or large villages within reach of your family and suss out whether you would really like to live there, perhaps in the depths of a muddy winter, with no choice of shops.

I know what you mean about wanting to move but can't leave the area near the kids and grandkids. I feel the same sometimes.

I think happiness comes in little portions, here and there. Sometimes on a daily basis. More likely over the course of weeks. I don't believe anyone is happy all the time. Why should we be really? No real right to happiness, whatever the Americans seem to think with their Constitution.

Just grab it when it comes. (now that is what will help!)

I think that my thread may have been a little mis understood in that I am not feeling under the weather as such, just looking to find a way to Live and not just exsist.

You know what its like, you just get caught up in doing all the necesary's like paying the bills, getting the shopping, checking in on everyone etc etc and life just passes you by.

I would just like to feel alive. So really just trying to think of stuff that might change my life for the better.

I am quite a happy person and very much appreciate the little things and God's creation.

I was the happiest when my son was a baby.

I was thinking of moving and would really like to move to The Country, but how can I leave my all be it grown children and grandson.

Not straight forward, some good thoughts were posted and they were much appreciated.

Hope everyone has a good day x x

Gosh, Jadey such a big question. The fact that you're asking it, is actually the start of making changes, you must have identified areas that you want to change. Plot, plan and execute (it sounds as if that's what you did Greatnan).

I sometimes wonder about myself, because not much gets me down for long - I've faced immense hardship in my life, and weathered big changes, not all of them by choice, but more by luck than design I am a sunny soul, my default position is happy. All my baby photos show me with my mouth wide open laughing away. I agree with FlicketyB in that the smallest things can make me exceedingly happy.

Contentment is another story and sometimes more elusive. But not unattainable! for you.

Jadey, Do you think that you may be clinically depressed? In which case seeing your GP to tell him how you feel and get some help may start you on the road to happiness.

Quite often the seeds of happiness lie within ourselves. Start by seeing the beauty in small things, a flower, the sun coming through a window, or in current weather conditions, the beauty of snow. Build up from there to see the beauty in yourself, I do not mean physical beauty and work fromthere

I think most people feel like this sometimes, but if you feel like it all the time then something needs to change.

It's difficult to advise without knowing your situation - I think Greatnan is right - you firstly have to identify the things you want to change and then think about ways in which you can make a start on changing them.

gillybobs reply is very heartening isn't it.