My friend let me down because of rain

Excellent post from Fleur so I hope you do as suggested and drop off a brief note. Please don't give up on her because as is the way with all relationships, friendships can hit a few bumps along the way.

As you are feeling like this and her behaviour is a pattern why not tell her and clear the air as in:

" I feel so disappointed when you have to cancel our meet ups as I have always loved spending gime witb you and our lovely chats. It seems to be happening more and more and I am wondering if we need to change how we arrange things. Or would you rather just leave it and not make arrangements in future?"

Then just listen ...

If done gently but directly in an email just wait.

Yes.. she might be going deaf and finding the phone difficult. Stressful. She likes emails. I get that, you can express yourself and things reflectively and hope you get an interesting reply. And you can send when you like and open when you like so not as intrusive as a phone. She may think the rain sounded lame but it was true and hopes that you will believe her. Write her an honest friendly email, she’d love that. You have a husband. Constant support don’t underestimate that.

I can understand your disappointment, especially when you've been looking forward to seeing an old friend. But I wonder whether the rain was simply an excuse and there's something else going on with her. After so many years of friendship, I wouldn't give up on her just yet, although I do think friendship should involve some effort from both sides.

If she is such a snowflake, how does she manage to go out regularly singing twice a week, yet let you down over a shower of rain?
I’d be miffed myself. I know people like this in a drama society, they have stringent rules on how to be contacted etc. which makes it difficult for the organisers.

Gransnetters are being ultra kind here, and unless there are valid reasons for her behaviour, I’d let the friendship fade away, as I have with someone who kept cancelling and I never knew what was going on🙄

You say your friend has recovered completely from her broken hip but an operation following an accident isn’t the same as having a planned operation.
I broke my hip when I fell 15 months ago - it still affects my confidence when out walking, I sometimes get flashbacks of me flying through the air and am constantly looking out for trip hazards even after all this time.
Maybe this was the reason she didn’t want to go out in the rain?

It seems clear that she's putting limits on contact with you that don't seem necessary but why she's doing that isn't so clear.

Is there any way you can find out if she's putting the same restrictions on anyone else, not answering calls and not allowing them to come to her house, etc.? That could be very telling.

She could definitely be having problems that she doesn't want to discuss or face. Her being six years younger than you certainly doesn't rule it out.

I think I'd still email her once in a while just to check on her, if nobody else does.

jenpax

I hundred percent would not be giving up on her yet. I agree with those who think she probably has another issue which is affecting things for her. You mentioned that she’s able to use the phone to call you but doesn’t answer the phone Perhaps that is anxiety It’s different if you’re the person making a call because you’re in charge of the call and it’s contents But if somebody rings you, it’s an unknown person and an unknown issue! There again you mention that she goes out to a singing group twice a week but you don’t say if she drives there or is picked up, perhaps she’s got anxious about driving. There could be any number of issues are going on here related to mental health, anxiety depression et cetera and as a good friend I would be trying to find out what those might be and see if she needs additional support.

Agree with this 100%. Friendships are precious. Sounds as though she needs you more than you know. Please keep your communication going through writing (text, email, letter).

My friend of over 40 years let me down after my husband died, she didn't offer to help me in any way, not even to bring me a meal or milk yet when her neighbours husband died she took her on holiday for a week, I didn't need a friend like that, I now never see her

I too would cut her some slack. I don’t think any of us like driving in the rain. Driving in heavy rain can be horrible. I drove to the tip last Friday at 12. 30 for a 12.45 slot and it was awful, torrential rain and being splashed by heavy lorries every few minutes😣.
If she’s the good friend you say she is then pick up the phone and give her a ring.

Gosh, some of these posts are quite harsh..
If this lady has been housebound for a while after her fall, she may have became quite anxious about matters in general, possibly leading to a touch of agrophobia..
So using the hated phone may have been a lesser evil to her than actually venturing out, rain or no rain.
I would cut her some slack and contact her, drop her a note to say you miss her and hope she gets in touch when she is ready..

I think there's more going on here. And the fact it was raining was the last straw for her and giving her another problem to deal with.

Sounds like some sort of anxiety she is trying to cover up to keep her dignity.

Think you may need to accept that the reality is,the friendship is over..Flogging a dead horse,and all that.

Just hang on for her, she's been a good friend and so have you to her. Wait for her to contact you and have a good catch up, maybe you'll find out then

I think I’d have been tempted to ask her had she never heard of umbrellas ! A poor excuse really especially not an hour before, what if you’d already started out to meet her. I would wait for her to contact you and if she doesn’t that says a lot I feel

Try to be kind. She is an old friend with foibles. Likely wont have been the rain but some other reason. Could be anything.
Ask her if she is OK and suggest another meet up of her choosing.

YorkLady

Did she have a fall when she broke her hip?
Maybe that’s dented her confidence and she was worried about the wet and it being slippery underfoot?

I had a really nasty fall that affected my balance and my confidence. I am still not walking as well as before, even though I did not break anything except my front teeth. But I now have a lot of health niggles that I did not have before.

They do say that broken bones in the older age group have a really bad effect, and can even cause death in the very old.

I used to be outgoing and the one organising, but now there are times when I really have to make the effort to go where I am expected, and have to push myself.

I would leave the ball in her court. Try not to get upset, it seems to happen to many people. I try to get not upset now. Perhaps its run its course, who knows, but I avoid harsh words just let her drift away if that's how it is.

I was thinking maybe she has early onset dementia or something that you don’t know about has really upset her and she is not thinking straight.
Give her the benefit of doubt until you know for sure. Friends are precious she may be needing you more than you know.

Maybe she's neurodivergent? Feeling uncomfortable on the phone, not wanting people round and being unable to handle small changes like rain might be signs that she's 'differently wired'. Please don't give up on her just because of those things.

I'm another in the nerves camp, I can quite easily loose my confidence & she does sound a bit cautious, even over cautious, at times.
I wouldn't take it personally, its just how she is.

It takes all sorts to make a world and perhaps she simply doesn't like the phone (but will use it in extremis) and hates to get wet! I'd be disappointed too, but I wouldn't make it into World War Three.

Contraryme Did she fall and break her hip or was it an elective hip replacement, your post indicates both?

If she fell/slipped in the rain and broke her hip, that could be a valid reason to have lost confidence in going out in the rain. Other than that, perhaps her memory is declining and she just wants to be less social. We are allowed 🤗🤗

Esmay So she would have preferred lousy weather for a picnic?! Ridiculous.

She probably had some rampant toy boy straining at the bit. He probably lives with her, which is why she doesn't want visitors. Rain is a stupid excuse. I have to travel in the rain and don't own a car.