Expectations of grandparents

Adult daughters and mothers .. sometimes it’s a great bond amd works and sometimes it isn’t .. you sound the latter .. you have to now put boundaries in place .. never too late - it’s hard but it’s clear you’ve reached a point where you’re very unhappy with the situation
Also put your issue to AI and you will get a measured approach of advice with sensitive wording.

But surely your daughter thinking it's acceptable to wave this tik tok grandmother in your face is a direct consequence of the situation you're in jenpax.

Missadventure, spot on

I was sounding off about the tik tok videos not really seeking opinions of my situation

No one's said you're a bad grandparent or that your GC would be better off with their father and paternal family.

I'm sorry for your situation but it is one that you've enabled and enable to continue.

Well none of us on gransnet know you so I don't understand your comment.

Telling me I am a bad grandparent and the children would be better off with their father and paternal family is not “true” and not kind I choose to ignore comments from people who do not know me

Maybe you don’t really want to hear the truth.

SueDonim

I can’t see the video. From what you say, Jenpax you’re rather enabling your dd to behave in this way. I don’t know whether she has particular issues or is just entitled but I don’t think she or you are very good role models for the children. Would the father be prepared to have custody of the children? What about the other grandparents? Are they able to help out?

Not kind or helful

jenpax

... but I can honestly say that my DD would not cope without substantial help

And she never will. Because she's apparently abdicated her responsibility and placed it firmly in your lap.

If you become ill or incapacitated and are unable to shoulder this responsibility - what do you think she will do then? If that video of 'Granny Helen' is indicative of her mindset, then you need to start putting that supportive "village" in place now via social services.

Also, bear in mind that Granny Helen is a content-creator and as such, it's quite likely that her main priority is getting sufficient 'clicks' and followers, and she's found a ready market of self-entitled parents.

Jaxjacky

You have been advised before on your situation and chose to continue with your engagement and its consequences.
Did you have any therapy as recommended last year?

My post today was specifically about this wretched tik tok woman and not my general situation. No i haven't been able to afford private counselling its not cheap in my area

I can’t see the video. From what you say, Jenpax you’re rather enabling your dd to behave in this way. I don’t know whether she has particular issues or is just entitled but I don’t think she or you are very good role models for the children. Would the father be prepared to have custody of the children? What about the other grandparents? Are they able to help out?

"Granny Helen" might not even be a granny - we've only got her word for it.
You're such a good Mum to your daughter Jenpax, it's a shame she's so entitled & needy, but you know how much you do for them all so don't let the silly (lying?) TikTok woman get to you.

You have been advised before on your situation and chose to continue with your engagement and its consequences.
Did you have any therapy as recommended last year?

Ilovecheese

I wonder, is some of this because some parents cannot let go of their adult children, or do not trust them to be able to run their own lives?
They feel they have to step in at the slightest little problem, to "sort things out"?

This might be true in some cases but I can honestly say that my DD would not cope without substantial help ! Sadly the children father lives a long way away and their relationship is adversarial he also pays zero child support! two of the children have diagnosed health conditions that effect behaviour and she really struggles none the less I cant be her unpaid slave 24/7 and the til tok “granny Helen” was the final straw this evening 🙄

I feel really sorry for you and the situation you are in. Mostly we do want to help and support our now adult children. And the requests can creep up on you, as we ultimately want our GC to be looked after well. You don't mention if she has a partner? You are also a very important GP to the children.. What would they have done without you? However, that's where your daughter has a hold over you. Has she not been able to cope, so you had to step up to the expectations? Is there any chance you can get away for a few days or so for a break, and a chance to think about what you are able to offer and more importantly, not to feel any guilt or obligation to over explain to her. She sounds as if she needs a bit of a wake up call, as to her expectations of what you should be like, and what you do for her and her children. You have gone above and beyond your GP responsibilities.

I just watched the video in the link jenpax.
Apart from the fact that i think that woman is a silly cow, i just wanted to say that if a male partner treated you as gour daughter is, it would be classed as cohersive control.

I wonder, is some of this because some parents cannot let go of their adult children, or do not trust them to be able to run their own lives?
They feel they have to step in at the slightest little problem, to "sort things out"?

This is a form of abuse and is happening more and more. GC are loved but not our responsibility ! Your DD should be ashamed of herself . You have given her most of your savings-
what !!!!!!!!!!😱 You do not have to suck it up - whst you do have to do is stand up for yourself, tell your DD hiw selfish she is and regain control of your life. She will be the one who must suck it up.
My DDs would NEVER behave like that!
Can't believe what I have read
For goodness sake put an immediate stop to her bullying behaviour, msje ut clear they are her children abc her responsibility.

MissAdventure

I'm afraid if it was my daughter being so disrespectful, she would be getting a dose of "tongue lash pie" from me.
I somply fail to understand how grown adults get to treat their parents so disrespectfully, whilest milking them dry financially.

Is this a very recent form of behaviour ? I knew no one when I was a young mother who expected, never mind got, emotional, practical, financial etc support to the extent many yiung parents get now. I was lucky, my mum would step in if I couldn’t miss a particular meeting or other work thing but not if she already had stuff she was doing - like ballroom dancing or art group. I was just thankful she’d help with love.

I know a few grandparents on the receiving end of the behaviour OP describes. Are we living in a more me me extended childhood

I agree Miss Adventure, I have helped out with my grandchildren, but have never been treated like that, nor would I have put up with it. don't be so available in future jenpax.

I'm afraid if it was my daughter being so disrespectful, she would be getting a dose of "tongue lash pie" from me.
I somply fail to understand how grown adults get to treat their parents so disrespectfully, whilest milking them dry financially.