One sided hospitality - AIBU?

I actually hate hosting anything now I'm on my own and get dreadfully anxious when I have to do so. Clean the house, decide what to provide for food/snacks, what will people like, can't bake so will have to be shop bought, will I get clumsy and drop something as happened previously, I just find it dreadfully stressful. I would much rather met up in a cafe or restaurant and pay the bill for everyone.

You could invite them after lunch , say 2 o clock and just do tea and biscuits

Just stop making the "come to lunch at mine" offers & see how you all go🤔......

But yes,if they dont offer, just arrange at a play place or something or just at playgroup.Its possible they both were'nt looking for new permanant close friends, but have taken you up on your offers of lunch so as not to offend you?But are happy to just stick to having just 'playgroup friends' so they've someone to chat to whilst there.Worth considering🤔

I’m not a natural hostess and maybe these other grannies aren’t either. I find it hard work - I’m not lazy (or maybe I am!), but it’s not something I like to do. I agree that meeting on neutral ground would be the solution. Why should you do it all?

Yes,what ButterandJam says- i would have said that last time i hosted- i'd have said it when/if one of them said "this is nice" or even "thanks for having us" or some such at the end- replied "yes its lovely but one of you can have a turn next time"- i'm sure if you need to you could always give an excuse,(not that you shoud have to, but might be simpler to?) Maybe having work done or something, or that your GS would love to see all so&so's toys etc.

When my GC were little I met other grandmothers at 2 different playgroups. We became friendly but met up on neutral ground such as parks and soft plays. I think the main reasons that your hospitality isn’t returned is either that they don’t want children running around in their homes and possibly damaging something or that their husbands are at home and don’t want the intrusion.
My advice is to meet up outside the home and let the friendship continue. It’s good for the children and for the Grandmas too!

There could be a number of reasons why they dont want to host.

1. Feel they cant cook/host well enough
2.Their partners say no.
3. They argue a lot with their partners[I had one once where I found out what the problem was, the partner was sleeping on the couch as they had started divorce proceedings and she didnt want people to know at that point[fair enough].
Once I found out anyway, she was more than happy to host.
4.Their house is a mess. Perfectly possible even with a nice house.
5. They have something they dont want people to know about.
4.

Fallingstar oh sorry I seem to have suggested the same as you , great minds think alike 😉

Oh , I'd pull the plug . Summers here so suggest a picnic in the park where you all just bring your own snack .
They probably don't want the children running around in their homes or going to the expense of feeding them but of course happy to accept from anyone else offering .
They'll keep their homes a child free zone and come to yours lol 😆

I agree with a post up thread, arrange lunch in a child friendly setting or with summer and hopefully better weather coming suggest each of you brings a picnic to a local park. No need to host and no need to agonise over why the others don’t host, it could be anything from a grumpy DH to an untidy house.

With calendar in hand "My daughter suggested we make a rota for playdates, so she can see how much he's getting out. So I did the last lunch, which of you will do the next one? When?

In the type of social setting you describe, whilst it was very nice of you to host, I personally wouldn't have the expectation of it being reciprocated. Not everyone, for a myriad of reasons would necessarily want to go to the bother of arranging a lunch. Some like to host, some don't, It doesn't really matter whether they live in big house or not, maybe they're at a stage in their life, when they just can't be bothered with any of that anymore. Life does move on for some. It's good enough that they're stepping up to the plate in being a supporting grandmother, maybe that alone wears them out.

I remember post natal meets ups, from years ago in our respective houses , half a dozen mothers and babies, it was bedlam, some of us finally admitted," lets knock this on the head", especially when some of the mothers produced baby number 2. Anyway, having said all that, I certainly wouldn't let it spoil the good times you're all having.

I have a neighbour with a lovely looking house from the outside who for many years never invited anyone in. However a few years ago she had an accident and other neighbours and myself rallied round to look after her. What a shock! She is a hoarder and her house was very dirty like something out of one of those television programmes!
I mention this because I wonder if your friends, like my neighbour, might be hiding the state of their homes. You never know.
I would, as others have suggested, ask if anyone else wants to host the next play date. Then if they don’t offer, suggest you meet at a soft play centre or somewhere.

I’ve had a friend of many years. We go out to lunch, see a show etc, but I’ve never been in her house. She has been to mine many times.
I just accept that she has her reasons.

So easy to just ask; you are in the power position to had the baton on.

When you meet them at playgroup you could just say pleasantly " Would somebody like to host the next home play/ lunch date? "

If anyone suggest "you as usual" you just shake your head and say " I can't host , the next one " ( no excuse, reason or "sorry".
If anyone asks why you just shrug and say " No reason, but we can all share",

If nobody is willing to host just let it lapse.

Both friends appear better off than me, bigger houses, retired, comfortably off, time on their hands.

This doesn't mean they are relaxed and comfortable to host in their own homes.
I had a friend who was the opposite: very comfortable to host but a very twitchy guest!

If you all, grannies and children, enjoy your get-togethers it seems a real shame not to carry on.

If it annoys you that the cost or effort is all one-sided you could ask them to do it as a bring-and-share, maybe can one of them bring a cake and one something nice to drink, and you'll provide nice sandwiches or something simple?

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes, we will continue to meet up in neutral locations and at playgroup. I’ve decided not to host lunches & play dates any more though, as it seems unlikely at this stage it will be reciprocated, which is a shame. I do enjoy hosting, but it seems odd on my friends’ part to not want to reciprocate, when they clearly have the means to do so. It’d be a pleasant change for me & dear GS to go to friends for a change! No matter, onwards & upwards 😊

I would do as SpinDriftCoastal has suggested. It would be a shame for your GS to miss out.

There are always those who entertain and enjoy it those who let the others do it. Can you not arrange to meet at some general child centred location where all three of you meet together? Perhaps one of them may step up when they see that you aren't inviting anymore. Let the children play together. It is good for them to mix with other children, and, in a way under 'granny time'. In a couple of years the whole dynamic will change and you may stay 'friends' with the other grannies when the children start school. It is all a passing phase so just work with it. Your grandchildren will remember the happy times and, at the end of the day, it is their time.